Low voice, “Wow.” Digs ditch, steps down, “Wow.” Need more emphasis. Buys a mini-excavator, consults with architects about installing a down escalator, begins construction, gets behind on schedule, fires a guy that smokes more than he digs, hires a foreman that seems like he knows what he’s doing, foreman runs off with money, tracks foreman down in Aruba hanging out with Andruw Jones, punches foreman, watches Andruw Jones make diving catch of forearm’s body, heads back to the States to oversee completion of down escalator, breaks champagne on escalator, travels down a full story and, “WOW!” Do you see what I go though to emphasize something for you? After Mike Fiers struck out 14 Cubs in 6 innings, he can have anything he wants. Sleep with my Cougs, she’s all yours! He now has a 1.29 ERA, a 10.3 K/9 and 2.1 BB/9 after 21 IP, after blowing through the minor leagues with a 11.3 K/9. I grabbed him in one 12 team league and looked to pick him up in every league, but he wasn’t there. I forgot the most important lesson, you couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f***ing Michael Fiers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Lohse – He’s unsure if he’ll make his next start. What a pointless update. Why don’t they ask someone who does know?
Ryan Braun – Sat out yesterday, and says his thumb is still bothering him. Injuries sure jumped into the rearview a lot quicker when he was shooting shizz into his butt. “My butt needs some juice.” Wiggle, wiggle. That’s Braun two years ago.
Khris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. I’m not saying it looks like Roenicke came to his senses and is playing Davis without a Parra platoon, because as soon as I say that Davis will be benched for Parra. Though, I have no idea if just saying I’m not going to say it will have the same affect. vdslbxhssaw–Sorry, hard to type with this strait jacket on. I hope you’re happy, Roenicke!
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. Love Mini Donkey, but owning him, rather than just for the occasional batty call, is soul-sucking with his .210 average. I’m farting in your general direction, Prince Fielder! You led me to this place!
Michael Cuddyer – Will be activated on Saturday. Hopefully he makes it to September. I’ll give him 7 to 1 odds. Not great odds, but better than the Vegas odds that he gets hurt today on his travel day.
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. So, he played? Really? You are spoiling us, Walt Weiss!
John Lackey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA on the Cards to 6.16, but that’s a little lopsided due to a 5 IP, 9 ER vs. the O’s. Lackey’s got a 3.91 ERA on the year, which tells more of the full picture, and as bleh of a picture that is, it’s still better than his player page picture. Doode, get botox!
Andy Parrino – With Jed Lowrie headed to the DL with a fractured finger, the A’s are expected to call up their shortstop prospect and pasta manufacturer, Parrino. Parrino’s so good, it will make you shave your daughter’s mustache while she sleeps. Parrino looks likes a 5/5 guy with a .220 average. Okay, so hopefully his rigatoni is better.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .325 on the year. Jaso, Norris, Vogt…Josh Donaldson was even a catcher when he first came up. A’s might just go with an all-catching team next year. All they need is the The Flying Molinas and they have a full lineup.
Christian Colon – 3-for-4 and his 1st steal for the Royals utility infielder. Colon’s up for a cup of coffee but his stats put me to sleep. The Royals would prolly like to put him to sleep too, after skipping Chris Sale and Matt Harvey to draft him in 2010.
Norichika Aoki – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, but hitting near-.500 in the last week. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you can go ahead and get a jump on those herbs in your league. Hehe, herbs. Hilarious that people used to call people they thought were losers ‘herbs.’ It’s like the lamest word ever. Now, jabroni on the other hand. That’s cool. Wait, I just realized I was talking about getting a jump on herbs in grabbing Aoki. Who’s the real herb here? Ugh, I was going for the longest herb non-sequitur since David Foster Wallace, but I couldn’t do it.
John Axford – Acquired by the Pirates. Pirates are in a tough position. They have to look like they care, but they don’t have any real money to care. It’s like when you had no money, so you made mix CDs for girlfriends. “Aw, the Pirates, started the CD with Just Once by James Ingram, that’s beautiful.”
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 3.78. Member in the preseason when I said he could be a number one and didn’t understand why people were down on him in the non-sexual way? Well, he has a sub-2 ERA in the 2nd half and I have no idea what was wrong with him in the 1st half.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks. Okay, Fancy Stuff, but Fiers did it in 6 innings. Aw, I’m just playing, two-different-colored-eyes guy. You know I gots love for you. I’ve only been talking about my love for Scherzer since 2006. Get a room! Hey, wait a minute, I’m in a room.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. That’s in only 80 games. I get the feeling he’s going to be one of those players that people extrapolate his stats over the course of a season and expect 30+ homers next year. To me, he feels like a 20-homer hitter in 300 ABs or 550 ABs with neutral luck.
Yonder Alonso – Hit the DL with a forearm strain. And, here I thought, with the power he’s shown in his career, he didn’t have forearms. “That boy, Yonder, all elbows and wrists!”
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Last year, he hit 21 homers and .241, and looks like he’s on pace for close to the same this year. He is only 24 years old and this is his 2nd year in the league. I could see him taking a nice step forward next year. Definitely will be someone I’ll be aware of. I won’t quite say yet that he’ll be 2015’s Cody Asche. *slowly tiptoes out of the room*
Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. When Pedroia slide into 2nd on his double and stood up next to Altuve, Michael Vick called up his agent, “Is dwarf fighting illegal?” Speaking of which (not really), our fantasy football leagues are filling up fast. Get in now (or get in again, you know you’re gonna goof up at least one of the drafts).
Allen Webster – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Webster looked great until Mr. Papadopoulos showed up and embarrassed him.
Wil Myers – Could return this Tuesday. Myers missed three months with a broken wrist, so he could be lacking in the power department, but he’s also worth the stash. Sorta like me. You know, worth the ‘stache.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. It must be some kind of mistake. Did they move the fences to around the edge of the infield grass and lower the fences to ankle high? I must know; I am curious.
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Since May 1st — that’s only throwing out one month’s worth of stats, and you probably didn’t own him then anyway — he has a 3.14 ERA. I’ve only been saying this for the last six weeks too. I’ll say it again this afternoon in the Buy column because he’s under 50% owned. Or will I?! You will. Thanks for blowing it, Random Italicized Voice. What? It’s no mystery, why else are you saying it? Okay, got it. Hope so otherwise you are a serious stunod.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Hey, it’s hot middle infield pickup of May. Hey, hot middle infield pickup of May, say hello to your mother for me.
Yu Darvish – MRI came back clean on his elbow, but there’s no timeline to return. I have one: February when pitchers and catchers report.
Geovany Soto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. When he hit that one high, he started choking, trying to keep in the smoke.
Edwin Encarnacion – After months of speculation (maybe days), Edwin will be activated today. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department says, “Get him in your *hiccup*!” Ouch, his big moment ruined.
Rafael Furcal – Will undergo season-ending hamstring surgery to remove scar tissue that he wishes you saw. Under a bridge. Got to get it put it in you. Hold on, shuffling my iTunes.
Brad Penny – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Guarantee the Marlins never would’ve signed him if his name was Brad Dollar.
Donovan Solano – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. With Furcal sidelined, the Marlins will turn to a mash-up of Solano, Ed Lucas, Jeff Baker and Valdespin. Man, that is scary. It’s the Creature from the Aquamarine Lagoon.
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. Meh. Should’ve been better vs. the MIA Marlins. Pitch around Giancarlo (3-for-4, 1 RBI) and call bedtime when Yelich (2-for-5) comes up. Easy as that. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like Anderson’s next start, and I wouldn’t mess with it.
Dillon Gee – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Here’s the problem. If Gee’s not giving you decent ratios, he won’t ever give you good Ks, so what do you have left? Poppycock and it sticks to your teeth and then you need dentures. Gee’s giving owners falsies? Yes, yes he is.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. The last time Bryce and Longoria homered on the same day it was in March, right after your draft and it was in a dream you had.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Not the same position obviously, but try and wrap your noodle around that LaRoche has 17 homers and Harper has six and LaRoche is hitting almost twenty points better.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.53. Best xFIPs in the majors: Kershaw, F-Her, Strasburg. It might come with some derision, but it’s going to be hard to not rank Strasburg in the top 5 SPs again next year. Luckily, I didn’t Google ‘derision’ and I’m going to believe it means adulation.
Justin Upton – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain. His brother B.J. replaced him yesterday. Just like his parents, Gloria and Sexaholic, would’ve wanted it. Guess which child Sexaholic got to name. Justin’s prolly headed to the DL, or the bench for five days, then one game on the field where he reinjures himself then to the DL.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4 and his 14th steal. Heyward hit leadoff because Fredi Gonzalez is actually asleep behind his trademark Oakleys.
Hanley Ramirez – Played catch yesterday. Hope he went for ice cream afterwards, cause that would be swell!
Dee Gordon – 3-for-4, 4 runs and his 53rd and 54th steal. If this was May, I’d still be hesitant, but, at this point, I don’t understand when I get questions wondering if Gordon’s for real. He stole 73 bases one year in the minors and is going to end up the best shortstop on our Player Rater once he passes the now defunct Tulo. Maybe Gordon doesn’t hit .290 every year, but .260 and 60 steals is prettttttay, prettttttay good.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .310 with 13 homers. If he keeps hitting nothing but singles, I’m gonna start calling him Charley Luau.