I’ve drafted my Razzball Commenter League team (last call for fantasy baseball — I’m saying that so it rhymes with alcohol), and now I’m ready for the season. All those other drafts — like Tout, Friends & Family, Scout, yadda-whodoodie — are in the past. They were prep for this draft. This draft is the one that matters, because I’m going against, like, a thousand of youse. And youse are the ones that matter. Well, a few of youse matter more than a few of the other youse. Just assume you are part of the favorable youse. In this league was Tim McLeod from RotoRob, Mike Gianella from Baseball Prospectus, Dalton Del Don from Yahoo, and from Razzball: Rudy, JayWrong, Big Magoo, Smokey, J-FoH, Tehol, Prospector Ralph, JB and yours truly. All of these people make me very thankful (that it wasn’t an in-person draft). I was drafting out of the twelve-hole (which is porn-speak for the right nostril), and I knew after all those preliminary drafts that I was finally going to take guys that I really, really wanted from my 2016 fantasy baseball rankings (clickbait, snitches!). Well, until around the 5th round, then shizz went to hell. Okay, enough hubbub on the tomfoolery, let’s get to it! Anyway, here’s my RCL draft (5×5, roto, mixed league, 12 team, 5 OFs, etc.):
C: Travis d’Arnaud (21)
1B: Jose Abreu (2)
2B: Rougned Odor (8)
SS: Francisco Lindor (6)
3B: Nolan Arenado (1)
CI: Todd Frazier (4)
MI: Jonathan Villar (20)
OF: Gregory Polanco (3)
OF: Delino DeShizznit (7)
OF: Stephen Piscotty (12)
OF: Domingo Santana (16)
OF: Michael Saunders (19)
UTIL: Chris Colabello (24)
Bench: Brandon Moss (25)
P: Chris Archer (5)
P: A.J. Ramos (9)
P: Raisel Iglesias (10)
P: Yu Darvish (13)
P: Steve Cishek (14)
P: Michael Pineda (15)
P: Patrick Corbin (17)
P: Drew Smyly (18)
P: Drew Storen (11)
Bench: Kevin Siegrist (22)
Bench: Silvino Bracho (23)
I HAVEN’T SEEN REACHES LIKE YOUR DRAFT SINCE THE ADULT MOVIE, “JACK REACHER-AROUND.”
Jack Full of Hate was drafting before me, and it was like he was standing next to me looking at my queue and taking every guy I wanted. But, if he were standing next to me, I’d still have an indentation in my carpet, so I know he wasn’t. I can’ figure out how he knew all the guys I wanted. Dot dot dot. Oh, I know! I’ve been publishing my rankings and all of my sleeper targets for the last three months. I was ready to take Justin Upton with my 3rd pick…and J-FoH took him. I was already to take Carrasco with my 5th pick…and J-FoH took him. I was already to take Salazar with my 7th pick…and J-FoH took him. I was already to take Khris Davis with my 11th pick…Oh, you get the idea. It happened again with Steven Matz in the 15th round too. Each round left me with my 2nd choice and invariably it forced me to reach a little. Okay, a lot. I went from liking Polanco in the 7th round to drafting him in the 3rd. Oh. *pauses to make Chicken Florentine* Kay.
ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR PITCHING? CAUSE IT LOOKS FLIM-FLAMSIE.
I’m concerned about every part of this team. As much as I liked my Yahoo team, I don’t love this team. Even Delino DeShizznit only brings a small eggplant emoji to my face here because I’m light on power and I don’t need DeShizznit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let needs come in the way of wants. Maybe at some point I can trade Polanco to Smokey for power, or threaten Smokey with having to write fantasy soccer. Oh, wait. Listen (read), Archer is a legit 9+ K/9 guy, Raisel is a legit 9+ K/9 guy, Pineda has, like, a 0.0 BB/9, Smyly is appropriately named, Corbin could be an ace two years removed from TJ. Shoot, one day anyone is removed from Tijuana and it’s a plus. My pitching is not the issue; I don’t have power like I need. (On a side note, I’ve already dropped Drew Storen after it was announced Osuna would be the closer. Churn and burn, baby, churn and ya know.)
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT YOUR POWER? IS ALL HOPE LOST LIKE HOW I FEEL THIRTY SECONDS INTO EVERY EPISODE OF GIRLS?
I don’t think I’m necessarily up against it. All of the speed guys I drafted do chip in some power. Odor, Polanco, Villar, Lindor could all chip in at least ten homers each. How much over ten homers each is the befuddling poopsie-doodle. I think Piscotty could be Matt Carpenter in the outfield, Domingo could get 25 homers, Polanco could get twenty and Puigs could fly. There’s question marks, leave me alone!
HEY, THERE’S SOME THINGS I DO LIKE ON THE HITTING AND– WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS ALOU HAPPENED TO THE END OF YOUR TEAM?
I used what I believe the Hitter-Tron will say about the games on Sunday for my last few picks. Well, after the Hitter-Tron says, “Damn, your microwave is fine.” Honestly, subjectively, intro sentencely, the last few picks on a 12-team or shallower league are not guys you’re going to hold very long, so I just went for guys that should play on Sunday. If Brandon Moss doesn’t play, he’ll be dropped for the best guy available listed on that horny robot, Hitter-Tron.
LET’S NOT FORGET THAT YOU CAME IN 7TH OUT OF 1200 TEAMS LAST YEAR AND YOU ARE THE YARDSTICK BY WHICH WE MEASURE OURSELVES.
I’m no yardstick, I’m your ruler.
