Elly De La Cruz (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer) hit one of his homers so far in Cleveland, over the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, past the Drew Carey statue, that it went back to Cincy. That home run ball went 467 feet and 119.2 MPH. You don’t have to know about exit velocity to know that 119.2 MPH is not a real number. You hit that sorta number when you’re in the Grand Prix in some far-flung city in the South of France. “Excuse moi, I am Elly De La Cruz’s batted-ball and I wish to know where the Autobahn is because of how fast I travel.” It’s ridiculous. That people are talking about Elly De La Cruz already as a bust is so absurd. Elly De La Bust This! You write off E! for 2024 fantasy at your own risk. Also, in this game (and it was a lot): Candace Bergen’s husband, Luke Maile (3-for-4, 3 RBIs) had the most random slam (6) and legs (2) of the season; TJ Freidl (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 18th, and is one of the hottest bats in the majors, while stacking up to be great 2024 fantasy value; Christian Encarnacion-Strand (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 12th. More like Christian Encarnacion-Strong! Then on the other side, Bo Naylor (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th. He’s been way more productive in his call-up than either of the “hot” Pirates catcher bats (Endy and Henry — or simply Hendry); Kole Calhoun (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th for gingers everywhere; and Andres Gimenez (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 15th for people who still confuse him with Amed Rosario. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hunter Greene – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.71 vs. Lucas Giolito – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.77. *aims towards sun, presses launch*

Matt McLain – Won’t return this year after he re-injured his oblique. Ugh, so finite yet so vague!

Michael King – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Not sure if he has another start, or what the Streamonator says, but I’ve been super impressed by King. Dumb, Royalist!

Austin Wells – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.21 vs. Aaron Nola – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Will go over each position in my year-end recaps starting next week, but it’s no spoiler to say, Keller was more valuable than Nola. Or it’s a spoiler to someone who drafted Nola. Like a spoiler of your fantasy season.

Henry Davis – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. “Bo Naylor still look so good? Hmm…” That’s Endy and Henry talking simultaneously — or simply Hendry.

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-2 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Put Miles Mastubatori in the Braves’ lineup and he hits for power.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 41st homer. Tildaddy says I’ve eaten too many Raisinets!

Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.82. If that was his last start of the season, he can rest easy knowing he contributed heartily to a few of my fantasy teams having real garbage ERAs.

Reese Olson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Streamonator is lukewarm on Olson’s final start on Sunday, but I’d let that robot handshake, manshake, milkshake me in the moobs to start him.

Kyle Bradish – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86. BDon and I talk at length on this week’s podcast about Bradish, and, p to the erhaps, we are too cynical about fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) checking out early, but we don’t think Bradish is getting anywhere his due in drafts next year. He feels like one of those where Yahoo and ESPN will rank him around the top 50 starters or just barely in the top 200, and I’ll have to just say something like, “He was already good. There is no reason why he can’t be good again.”

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4 and his 28th homer. He hit a leadoff homer in the 1st, and it was the only run of the game. Elias Sports Bureau said, “That was the first time that’s happened in like, a while, I don’t know, don’t you have Google?”

George Kirby – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.46. Maybe I’m overestimating youse, but has anyone in fantasy complained about Kirby’s inability to throw more pitches. I don’t know, maybe you have. For me, it kinda puts it into perspective when he’s going against Cristian Javier (4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.67) who has been inexplicably bad for three months. It’s kinda funny (not haha) that people made a big deal about Kirby, and I haven’t heard one person say, “Cristian Javier throws 90 pitches, and he sucks for every one of them.”

Brandon Drury – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. Ohtani and Trout, not. Handclap emoji. Needed.

Reid Detmers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.48. If it makes you feel any better about not starting Detmers, if you had started him, he would’ve gave up 6 ER in 3 IP.

Tanner Houck – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.31. Was seeing how great Ryan Brasier was now on the Dodgers and, in related news, the Red Sox can’t develop pitching. Oops, quiet part out loud!

Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 34th and 35th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper was moving into an ‘after top 20’ slot for me about two months ago, but I think he’s done enough to be in the early-to-mid 2nd round again. Rats, foiled again by him being good!

Seth Lugo – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Pretty remarkable how awful the Padres’ luck and relievers have been, because their starters haven’t been bad, in general, and they have enough hitting. Plus, Josh Hader (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.18) has been incredible, once every ten days for 6 to 12 pitches per game.

Luis Robert Jr. – Hit the IL and is done. Ugh, the problem with this for me–Yes, this is about me! He was totally fine this year, and we should have 100% confidence in him next year. This silly little injury at the end of the year shouldn’t mean anything. Yet — again, with some stank — YET! How do you draft him next year with 100% confidence now? Can you? Can you just ignore the last week injury? I want to, but why won’t my brain allow me? I have hangups, y’all!

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. Eloy homered, which is fine, but the true feat for him is rounding the bases without injuring a quad or hammy. Amen, brotha!

Christian Walker – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer. Secretly, everyone thought last year was a fluke for Walker, didn’t they? I mean, c’mon! You didn’t say it out loud, but you kinda did, didn’t you? You were like, “Christian Walker? That’s just non-secular Hunter Dozier!” Almost as surprising is that Ketel Marte (2-for-4, 3 runs and his 25th homer) isn’t really a 12-homer hitter.

Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.53. I regret to inform you I am going to be caca-cuckoo for Ober again next year. Not Ober him! Pun points!

Matt Wallner – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Thought I was going to make Wallner my lede today, because he hit the ball so gee-dee far in Minnesota I fell off my sofa, hit my head and dreamt I was Harmon Killebrew on Yom Kippur saying, “What do you mean I can’t eat a donut?”

Bobby Miller – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.89. I mean it’s not funny like “Boy, that’s a hoot!” but it is funny that Coors isn’t even a bad start because of how terrible that team is.

Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.85. The difference between the Braves’ Touki of the Year and the Dodgers turning random dudes into The Dude is the Dodgers do it and then that pitcher is a Cy candidate next year, then the year after they need Tommy John.

Nolan Jones – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .292. Pretty sure Nolan Jones is the happiest I’ve been about a Rockies player since Garrett Hampson. Please end up different! Please end up different! Please end up different!