Fall in line, Metropolitans! Fall in line, you strumpets! *Jerad Eickhoff goose steps up and down the starting lineup, screaming* I am going to go nutzi on these weak sister Metropolitan hitters! Nein chance! You have nein chance! *leaning in on Nieuwenhuis* You look Anglo-Saxon, maybe I take it easier on you. Not you, Michael Conforto…*then a small beat, in a pipsqueak voice* Unless you know Mussolini. Do you? *can’t wait for Conforto to answer* Forget it! Fall in line! And the Mets hitters did fall in line. Jerad Eickhoff went 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, to lower his ERA to 2.65, and now has back-to-back 10-K games. Maybe this guy isn’t a Jer-khoff. *looks at his minor league numbers* Yeah, I have no idea. His minor league numbers give the impression that he’ll be a fourth to fifth starter. That’s not for fantasy, that’s for real baseball. A fourth or fifth starter on the Phils, even in 2016, doesn’t scream excitement to me. Sorry, strumpets. For this year, drop him and check out the Stream-o-Nator, there’s only three days left. AHH!!! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Darin Ruf – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 4th homer in the last ten games. There’s no time left, it’s now or never. As Malcolm X once said about his fantasy baseball season, “By any means necessary, I will beat the guy who is one point up on me in homers.” If Ruf is that guy, then so be it. Or SoBe it, if you’re thirsty.
Steven Matz – The Mets said Matz will pitch Saturday or Sunday. The Mets added, “Really, we just needed a pitching related soundbite and we’ve put the Harvey questions to bed, so we’re rolling with Matz soundbites.”
J.J. Hardy – He revealed that this entire season he’s been playing through a torn labrum. You and every gymnast!
Jonathan Schoop – Exited yesterday’s game with a hand contusion, and now he’s likely done for the year. For those of you out there battling this final weekend, if a guy is day-to-day (Schoop, Yoenis, Cain, Upton, etc. etc. etc.), drop them for guys that are actually playing. If you need room, I wouldn’t even bother to wait for posted lineups. I’d hit waivers hard and fast like your 15-year-old self.
Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (32, 33) and a double legs (19, 20). Manny Machado…Manny Machado…Man-knee…Mah-cha-doh…It rolls right off the tongue, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have a nickname. I’m playing around with the idea of G.O.A.T.chado or The Manny, though I think the 2nd one was a Vin Diesel movie.
David Price – Won’t make his last regular season start. Okay, I’m starting to get a little jazzed for the playoffs this year. Who does everyone want in the World Series? I’d love to see the Blue Jays defeat the Cubs in some heart wrenching way that ends with a Cubs fan, player or farm animal needing political asylum in Canada.
Troy Tulowitzki – Likely to return on Saturday, which is super awesome for, ya know, the fan who’s attending that game and has a Tulo jersey, but him or, say Jose Ramirez for fantasy this final weekend? I’m going with the guy that is actually hitting.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA ends at 1.55 vs. CC Sabathia 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA ends at 4.73. Over-the-internet friends, one question: Where were you when I was walking? 2nd question: Who would you rather have next year: Rich “Sniglet” Hill or Sabathia? Neither isn’t an option.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Here’s hoping he gets to 20 homers so some unprepared derp drafts him next year thinking Beltran’s ship hasn’t yet sailed.
Greg Bird – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. I don’t know anyone’s contract, so I’m talking out my ass a little here, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Yankees trade Bird and $75 million for someone like Scherzer this offseason.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. After about 6 PM EST yesterday, absolutely no offense happened. I’m guessing the Players Union has some sort of contract about not hitting in October unless they get playoff shares.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Longo and Hosmer have really put on a show this final week. As in, a show of hands for who can barely stand them!
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-4. I’d say hot schmotato, but since there’s so few games left, at this point, I’m trying to stack my lineup with guys that are playing and hopefully getting four or more at-bats. Hot schmotato isn’t a luxury I can currently afford. Yo mama is so poor she can’t afford a hot schmotato! Snap!
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA ends at 3.35. Just think, next year you can draft Odorizzi and Odor and name your team, My Team Stinks Good. Or just name it after your favorite Lebowski character as you’ve done for the last fifteen years.
Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA ends at 2.92 in 64 2/3 IP. He’s going to start next year at the age of 23. Aw sookie.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks as he beat Jungmann. Now if it was a Jungwomann, Kennedy would’ve been all over her.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. I have a feeling I’m going to see Yangervis going way too late in drafts next year, and apathetically draft him and own him all year in very deep leagues, just as I did this year. In deep leagues, there’s something to a guy getting ABs. Not something exciting, but something.
Wil Myers – Left yesterday’s game with wrist soreness, and that’ll likely do it for him this year. Well, Wil (almost stutterer!), we had a nice month of April.
Derek Holland – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91 in only 58 IP. He’s going to be a wild card next year, but I bet someone in the preseason still says I’ve ranked him too low. It’s a rite of passage in March. Some boy becomes a man and christens themselves by questioning my Holland ranking.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 39th homer, which he hit off of Holland. Fun fact! I’ve seen a movie where a Pujols was referred to as a “Holland Tunnel.”
Austin Jackson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and three hits on Wednesday. Looks like a quick schmotato. Yes, that’s me calling action on Jackson!
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, but only threw 86 pitches. That’s just Maddon managing Hammel’s arm headed into the playoffs. *sees that Hammel has thrown only 62, 72 and 80 pitches in other September starts* Well, since every baseball writer has taken an oath to never say anything bad about Billy Beane or Maddon, I’ll have to move on now.
John Lamb – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. How does the expression go? In like a lion, out like a John Lamb.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA ends at 3.46. From June 1st on, he was hit by random injury after random injury, but when he was on the mound, his ERA was 1.76. One more time with some stank, in 82 innings from June 1st on, his ERA was 1.76. Yeah, I’m gonna be back in on him next year.
Blake Treinen – 1 IP, 0 ER. Um, yeah, so he’s not the closer. Glad we have that worked out three days after I’ve held him for a save. Can we get Papelbon to choke out Matt Williams? As for who the Nationals did use to close yesterday — Felipe Rivero (2 IP, 0 ER). So, one fantasy team collected that save, the team owned by Felipe Rivero Jr. “Papa!” I’m still holding Treinen, for what it’s Wuertz.
Hector Olivera – Scratched yesterday with a sore elbow. We don’t have a huge sample size on Olivera — that’s what she said! — but I don’t see any way that he’ll be projected next year for more than 110 games. Even that seems generous with how many injuries hit him in his first year.
Patrick Corbin – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. *raspberries lips* Well, that’s that. The good news is this start dropped his ERA down to 3.60 and likely dropped him a good two rounds next year. The bad news, your H2H playoff team is in shambles.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 38th steal. Nothing to go on here other than my gut, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Pollock tries to get 40 steals on the season just for his own stat line. It’s the ol’ Jose Reyes School of Career Management.
Yasiel Puig – Now running at 100%. After only running at 80% on Wednesday. I guess he made some great strides.
Brett Anderson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA ends at 3.69. Anderson was throwing a sparkler up until the 8th inning, but still ended up respectable, which sounds like his entire season. He did have a new career high in innings and stayed relatively healthy. A ‘new career high in innings’ is slightly misleading in a few ways with Anderson. A) He seems a lot older than he is; he’s only 27. B) Since 2009, he hasn’t thrown more than 112 innings, so he didn’t need to throw many to impress. C) There’s no C.
Jeremy Affeldt – Retiring from baseball. With Affeldt gone, Gilbert Gottfried will need to find a new pitcher to voice during mound meetings.