Yesterday, Dee Gordon went 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and stole his 55th base. Mean’s while, his teammate and my crush-bae, Giancarlo Stanton went 2-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and hit his 55th homer. According to Elias Sports Bureau, the last time two teammates hit their 55th homer and stole their 55th base in the same game was Jimmie Foxx and Sugar Cain in 1932. Though, historians, led by Ken Burns, have said Sugar Cain played on a doctor’s prescribed cocaine named Hurry Coke, a precursor to Cherry Cola. Sugar used to bunt with one hand while rubbing his gums with his other hand. Any hoo! Dee Gordon is carrying my NFBC team in steals, where I’m in first, and SAGNOF, and all of that, but steals are pathetic this year, as they were last year. 25 players have 20 or more steals, after 28 last year, but with a few players at 19 steals, we should get to 28 players again. However, 14 guys stole 30 bags last year, and, this year, we’re at six players. I will now laugh hysterically to avoid crying. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marcell Ozuna – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. OZUNA just happy to chip in. OZUNA like a Keebler Elf in that respect.
Dan Straily – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Rudy texted me during this game, “Must be something about Dan S’s, because Straily’s looking a lot like Danny Salazar right now.” Tis true. On a more useful note, I would only start Straily at home, and the Stream-o-Nator rightfully points out that is not the case for his next one.
Noah Syndergaard – Threw to hitters on Monday, and could return as soon as Saturday, though possibly out of relief. You might be thinking to yourself, why would the Mets risk their prized ace to throw a few meaningless innings, especially out of relief when he’s not use to entering in the middle of a game? My reply to you is, you should be in the Mets’ front office.
Matt Harvey – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.59. I talk about this on today’s podcast, where I use some profane language (sorry, Halp’s mom), but the Mets really Mr. Bungled their entire team. The Dark Knight, as Harvey used to go by, looks more like an R. Crumb comic. Or Harry Crumb.
Nori Aoki – 3-for-5 and his 8th steal, hitting .317 on the Mets, as he leads off. I meant to mention Aoki yesterday. I grabbed him for a batty call yesterday, because I get my kicks from a fantasy fix, and he’s been a hot schmotato.
Jaime Garcia – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.19, though back-to-back solid starts, even if Girardi heard from somewhere Garcia is a five+ inning pitcher. Maybe Girardi is pissed Garcia used his monogrammed towels by accident.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, and his 44th homer, hitting .275. For those of you who like arcane facts of Grey digging to find a negative on Judge, no player in history has 200 Ks and a .263+ average. Judge is at 198 Ks.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-4 and his 21st and 22nd steal, and has three steals in the last two games. As previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, those are a very valuable 22 steals.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-3 and a slam (17) and legs (12), hitting .275. Sure, he missed some games this year, but seventeen homers is pathetic. I feel bad for the printer of the Famous Jewish Sports Legends pamphlet. He gets paid by the page, and with Braun being removed that cash-money.
Brent Suter – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Um, yeah, no.
Starling Marte – Might not return this year. Weird, before he was busted for PEDs he was so resilient to injuries. Oh, I see.
Francisco Cervelli – Out for the season. Insert Tyra GIF of “Everyone was rooting for you,” and, after the word “was,” carat in the word “not.”
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.73. Geez, man, it’s real hard to take out one Jenga piece, and knock down the whole structure.
Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He has seven home runs in the last nine games. Once again with some stank, SEVEN HOME RUNS IN NINE GAMES. I am davening towards Olson in the A’s box score like he’s G*d. Yo, Rhysus, no offense, homey, but Olson’s the greatest of all time. Haven’t seen a Septactular performance like this since the man Maas Appeal was named after. My love for this guy is as big as Tyra’s forehead.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, and his 4th steal. Can Castellanos be a sleeper for the fifth year in a row next year? Does Ken Bone wear a red sweater whenever he wants to be recognized?
Adam Wainwright – Will finish the year in the bullpen. Backdate this three years.
Dustin Pedroia – Headed for a CAT scan after he was hit in the nose by a foul ball. He should ask his older brother, he’s got some experience with foul balls, I’m sure.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .269. Though, with how the ball is juiced this year, nine homers equals negative two.
Doug Fister – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.86 vs. Dylan Bundy – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.24. H2H championship participant, “I had a Fister and now I’m down for the five count like Bundy.”
Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Whoa, there’s a blast from the past, literally. So, Alvarez couldn’t get a deal with a Korean team or he’s waiting for the Korean winter meetings. Though, the way we’re going it might be the Korean nuclear winter meetings.
Jon Lester – Pushed back to Wednesday, causing him to lose his two-start week. Major league teams don’t care about your H2H playoffs, which is a shame because the winner gets $250 cash-money and the last place finisher has to wear rainbow spanx to next year’s draft. What do MLB teams have on the line?! Hmm!
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, as he was recalled from the Triple-A after hitting .509 with four homers. Why does that worry me? No, I’m not Alfred E. Neuman. It worries me because when a guy does so poorly in the majors, then hits the crizzap out of the ball in Triple-A, I think he’s a Quad-A player. Hopefully those rumors are unfounded like Kevin Hart being unfaithful. *intern whispers in my ear* What happened to Kevin Hart?! Whoa. Any hoo! If you need power, I could see grabbing Renfroe, he should play.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.26 as he was outpitched by Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.57, because September baseball is crazy. You got Jaime Garcia looking like an ace, and Kershaw giving up a grand slam to Aaron Altherr. Because, again, September baseball is crazy. Guarantee you that next March someone will ask a question like this, “Grey, handsome AF, Fantasy Master Lothario, I’m thinking I need an ace for my H2H team. So, I looked at all of the top ten pitchers’ schedules in September, and Kershaw has the best September schedule.” *picks up research of that person, makes an airplane out of the paperwork, throws it out the window* That’s what I think of March research of September schedules.