If only every starter could return from the DL like Corey Kluber did yesterday — 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.36. Though, if every pitcher returned from the DL like that, there would never be another run scored in the major leagues because every pitcher is returning from the DL in every game, and then Orel Hershiser’s scoreless inning streak would get surpassed, and that would cause Orel Hershiser’s self-esteem to be damaged, and then to fill that hole he’d run for president. I don’t want Orel Hershiser as our president, so I don’t want every starter to return as gracefully as Kluber. Any hoo! Corey Kluber has a pattern of abuse he drags his fantasy owners through. In April, he starts Cold as Ice and you wish he were a Foreigner, that Dirty White Boy, but he turns it on as the season progresses and you’re like, “Feels Like the First Time.” There’s some of you who read the previous sentence as a tribute to Foreigner, and some who thought of Vanilla Ice. Which one you thought of says more about you than any Buzzfeed quiz. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Canha – 0-for-4, 4 Ks with the Golden Sombrero. “More like Mark Can’ta,” chuckles the homeless gym teacher living in Oakland’s right field stands because it’s the cheapest rent in the Bay Area.
Jharel Cotton – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.11. On the bright side, Cotton looked better yesterday than he’s looked recently. On the less bright side, he gave up four more unearned runs, allowed four walks in less than six innings and I’m only talking about him because there wasn’t that many games yesterday.
Austin Slater – Was promoted to the Giants. This guy was a real stud at Bayside. Not much here, just a warm body. “Who needs to help with rent when the Giants are in Oakland?!” Okay, easy there, Homeless Gym Teacher. Bit confused about what the Giants are doing with their outfield. Looks like they’re just going for whatever sticks, because what they got stinks. Turn of a phrase points!
Alex Wood – Flew back to LA to have exams, because he’s still having problems with his SC joint. He’s hoping to not hear, “Dude, your joint is cashed.”
Brandon McCarthy – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38, but left with a blister that Rich Hill sneezed onto McCarthy’s hand. McCarthy was the most bummed to hear Wood’s injury might be real. Not because he owns Wood on his fantasy team, but McCarthy legitimately could use 17 days between starts.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.79. He also pitchslapped McCarthy like he just walked out the movie Capote. “I prefer Cranston in other character roles, but take that!” That’s Wainwright right before the pitchslapping. Wainwright’s stats are hella yawnstipating, and hella and yawnstipating are both words you learn at a 4-year university. He has a 7.9 K/9, 3.3 BB/9 and 3.99 xFIP. Snooze, meh, whatevs.
Jeff Locke – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was activated from the DL. If pitching is the key, then show Locke the door.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Solid bounce back start after his last awful start, though, prior to that terrible start was a good start and prior to that was a bad start. Doing a bad Haley Joel Osment impersonation, “I see patterns.” By the by, Haley Joel Osment? Yeah, he’s 400 pounds now. Bad impersonation again, “I see dead pastrami sandwiches that I am eating.”
Tom Murphy – Will begin rehab on Saturday, which likely puts him back in the majors in about ten days. Let the countdown begin to be excited Murphy is back, bored by Murphy and then dropping Murphy for another random catcher.
Jon Gray – Will ramp up activities next week. He sounds like a senior citizen. Is he going for walks at the mall during morning non-business hours too?
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Yo, ESPN be playing with my emotions. You can’t be giving me all them homers and then taking them away. I refuse to allow it. I will send Prospector Ralph and his crabs after you. Crab Army, not pants crabs.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer. This collection of tissues that Elvis once used for, uh, ‘stuff’ is priceless. So, I’m just going to leave them by an open window–NOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Gerardo Parra – 4-for-4, hitting .312. Serious question: Can Ian Desmond (0-for-2) get Wally Pipp’d even while he’s still in the lineup?
Kyle Freeland – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Take a long hard look at the Rockies’ manager and tell me the Black man (not Blackmon) isn’t making a difference.
Jean Segura – Looks headed to the DL after leaving yesterday’s game with an ankle injury. Adding insult to injury, Segura had a walk before leaving. Damn, that’s gonna haunt him!
Nelson Cruz – M’s are calling him day-to-day after Cruz left the game with a hand injury after being hit by a cutter. He was hit by scissors thrown by Chris Sale? They weren’t even facing the Red Sox. I need clarification. Hmm, my intern just stomped out of HQ. I don’t need you anyway! Between us, I totally need him.
Felix Hernandez – Scheduled for a simulated game. F-Her will simulate you all over.
Guillermo Heredia – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Fun fact! Guillermo yells his own name when jumping out of a plane.
Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-1 and Benchintendi’d once again. This is getting ridiculous. Krispie Young has moved in front of him on the depth charts vs. lefties? That’s not how you answer my love letters I put into bottles and throw into a polluted river near my house.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .226, but .300 in the last week with three homers. JBJ, it’s all coming together now. That was also an LBJ slogan (no, it wasn’t).
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.54. Wasn’t an easy matchup, and– I’m making excuses for him and don’t even own him. You don’t need the excuses. He’ll be fine, yesterday was obvi bad.
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .278. Pretty overdue for an explosion of wonderful.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .273. Anyone wanna make a case for his HR over/under not being 25 homers this year? Seriously, you can’t. Dude is so money, I’m gonna call him Jonathan Goldman Sachschoop.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Speaking of money, has Chris Davis ever not hit 30 homers? Not talking recently, I mean ever! In 2024, during the 2nd year of The Handmaid’s Tale, they’re gonna call Davis, Oforange, and he’ll hit 30 homers.
Adam Jones – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Somewhere, the Ghost of Earl Weaver is smiling down on the home run or nothing offense of the O’s while arguing with an umpire ghost.
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.82. His ERA blew me away and I own him in my NFBC league. Apparently, I should be starting him every week, and is why my team’s ERA is north of 4.70. Jesus Aguilar, Grey, get your head out of your Pujols.
Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. He returns after a rehab assignment at the High-A Inland Empire, which is a planet from Star Wars that is ruled by white trash.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4 and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .213. Big day yesterday for Kole; thanks to no more Paris Climate Agreement! Now we need to get out of the Kuala Lumpur MP3 Download Agreement and bring back CDs!
Adalberto Mejia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.95 vs. Alex Meyer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.91. This was a matchup billed as, “You don’t want him, I don’t want him, but Adalberto’s all right with Mejia.”
Cameron Maybin – Hit the DL with ‘insane amount of pressure to fill Mike Trout’s shoes.’ Before each game, Maybin would clap his hands together like Chevy Chase in Vacation about to jump in the pool, “You can do this, you can do this, you can– Ow, my oblique.”
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, as he returns to the lineup after being away from the team with an illness. I guess that means he was *pinkie to mouth* Mig-ill!
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 3 BRIs and his 5th and 6th homers, hitting .270. Uh-oh, Gary the G.O.A.T. is back. Here’s Gary against major league pitching.
Aaron Hicks – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his…Oh, wait, he didn’t homer. He did all that damage with one single and three doubles. That’s old school. When I was a kid, we didn’t have homers, we had singles and doubles, and we liked it! Real world check! Yankees have the 2nd best record in the AL, and Hicks is a huge part of that. Member I called him a sleeper last year? Well, I did, and he’s a year late to the party. No, it wasn’t that I was a year early. He was late!
CC Sabathia – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Is he fat or skinny again? Meh, guess it doesn’t matter. Just like him in fantasy! Snap, crackle, pizz-op! Soda is not pop, if you call it that then stop. I’m jamming hard like a Smucker, now pass the wine cooler you big, muumuu’d mother! I am literally dropping so much knowledge, I’m Neil Degrassi Junior High Tyson’s smarter, more handsome brother. As for Sabathia, he’s okay in matchups.
Marco Estrada – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.86. Marco….Yucko….Marco…Yucko…
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .265. You won’t find a more boring (boringer?) 27-homer, .270 hitter. You won’t. Seriously. Try.
Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.30, and back-to-back brilliant starts. Okay, I’ll look at him one more time, because you pay me the big bucks. Did I say bucks? I meant, one-eighth of a penny for every thousand pageviews. He’s right on the edge of 12-team mixed league and shallower relevant — 8.5 K/9, 3.3 BB/9, 4.30 xFIP — and, according to the Stream-o-Nator, he’s borderline startable in his next game. So, I’d grab him in all leagues and go one start at a time.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. On David Wright’s audition tape for MLB Network, he called the Flores homer by screaming, “Wilmer Floresperanza Spalding baseball go bye-bye!” Then he ejected his VHS and asked his cameraman, “Too much?” After the cameraman failed to respond immediately, Wright added, “You’re probably right, but they want high energy.”
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4 and you know he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s been one of the hottest hitters in the last week.
Zack Wheeler – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. He pitched well enough for the win, but the Mets didn’t give him any offense. Speaking of offensive:
Mr. Met is the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now pic.twitter.com/drXbCbM6Wd
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 1, 2017
