Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season.  Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them.  The sadness!  The grief!  The inconsequence of it all!  Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related.  I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him.  Just look up.  Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.)  Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September.  Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap.  Huston Street got hurt — shocker!  Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive.  Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security.  He’s the Teflon Closer.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Craig Kimbrel (+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell
(-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard)
5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)


Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
7. John Axford (+5) (Francisco Rodriguez)
8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez)
11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
13. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
16. Ryan Madson (+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo)
17. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright)
20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Jordan Walden (-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi)
23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson)
24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte
(-4) (Octavio Dotel)
26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch)
28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers)
29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn)
30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)