Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season.  Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them.  The sadness!  The grief!  The inconsequence of it all!  Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related.  I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him.  Just look up.  Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.)  Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September.  Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap.  Huston Street got hurt — shocker!  Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive.  Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security.  He’s the Teflon Closer.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Craig Kimbrel (+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell
(-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard)
5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
7. John Axford (+5) (Francisco Rodriguez)
8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez)
11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
13. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
16. Ryan Madson (+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo)
17. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18.
Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright)
20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Jordan Walden (-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi)
23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson)
24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte
(-4) (Octavio Dotel)
26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch)
28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers)
29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn)
30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)

104 Comments
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FurryWalls
FurryWalls
11 years ago

@grey – 12 team mixed league H2H – playoffs start next week

Brandon Phillips or Brett Lawrie
Frank Francisco or Fernando Salas

Thanks!

Blunted
Blunted
11 years ago

@Grey: Throw Oswalt against the Marlins tomorrow? I have Verlander and Beachy going also so I’m chasing a win and fully expecting him to give up a bomb to Stanton but what do you think?

Chris
Chris
11 years ago

@Grey

Best bet for a good pitching line next week (Wins aside):

Greinke @ STL
Hamels @ MIL
Pineda vs KC
Luebke @ ARI

Ralph
Ralph
11 years ago

@Grey…

I need a ss for the last two weeks of my playoffs since. Hanley is out for the year. I currently have Infante. Should I pick up Pennington on Oakland? Is there anyone else better than those two?

Thanks.

Nick
Nick
11 years ago

@Grey: Drop Masterson, Scherzer, Luebke or Niemann for Strasburg, R Wells, Chen, Buehrle or Danks? I need alot of starts towards the end of the season to bring back my ERA & WHIP..My weakest offensive players that could be droppable are J Guzman or Zobrist–>prob. not droppable

Steve
Steve
11 years ago

LoMo!

royce!
royce!
11 years ago

No hitter averted, turns out the whole jinxing theory is true.

Steve
Steve
11 years ago

0 for 22 in the RCL today. Don’t think I’ve ever gone hitless in a day, but I reckon I have a real shot at it here.

Wilsonian
Wilsonian
11 years ago

Drop Stubbs for AJax, Kendrick or Crisp?

Drop LoMo for Allen, Murphy, or Ibanez?

Howard
Howard
11 years ago

@Grey Thanks! And may we always be following a donkeycorn!

royce!
royce!
11 years ago

Maybe LulzSec/Anonymous are pursuing their most prized target yet… razzball!

Pretty much confirms that you are the man.

peter
peter
11 years ago

I think Eric Young’s web host has deleted all of his recent starts, because I can’t find them. Something about his propagation period. Drop him (MI) for Dee Gordon, Furcal, Aaron Hill, Andino, Luke Hughes?

GB
GB
11 years ago

Yahoo again. Last night it didn’t post the Atlanta/Washington lineup until gametime, and today it has Bourn and Uggla out of the lineup, which is incorrect. Anyone know anything about this? Thanks!

Steve
Steve
11 years ago

The first inning in Fenway took 38 minutes.

Zzzzzzzzz…..

VinWins
VinWins
11 years ago

Ha! Not quite how I remember it, but similar.

VinWins
VinWins
11 years ago

I broke through the wall! I think we`ll be alright!

Malacoda
Malacoda
11 years ago

Santos has been awesome, I am surprised you don’t have him ranked higher.

54.2ip 25bb 77k 28sv 2.63era 0.99whip

He has a very nice k/9

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

the face that grey lost

Wilsonian
Wilsonian
11 years ago

It’s not just your site. Yahoo has gone to pot, too…

Oilcan Giuseppe
Oilcan Giuseppe
11 years ago

speaking of sites not working,anyone having problems w/ yahoo?

Hater Bell
Grey
11 years ago

Where’s my face?!

Hater Bell
Grey
11 years ago

This is so weird. I just answered five other comments that aren’t even here. Serious Twilight Zone stuff going on here.

Steve
Steve
11 years ago

Yo-Ga has me all bent out of shape.

Nuke LaDouche
Nuke LaDouche
11 years ago

@Grey “The site moved servers so its propagating” I don’t know exactly what that means but I have to assume it is some sort of dangerous science fiction sex thing.

DonCoburleone
11 years ago

Never got anything Grey…

Nuke LaDouche
Nuke LaDouche
11 years ago

Are other people only seeing posts from a few days ago in the football and hockey sites? I am not sure if it is something on my end or something to do with the updates going on around here.

DonCoburleone
11 years ago

Grey it’s DC from the hockey blog.. What happened to the site?! My entire 1,100 word post from last night was erased!?!

Steve
Steve
11 years ago

Oh yeah and I’m 5 for the last 60 in the RCL.

Stupid f****** game.

Steve
Steve
11 years ago

Gallardo is a f****** idiot. That is all.

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

yeah,its helped with my 4 football drafts if nothing else

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

worked 3 weeks with a broken bone in my foot,off another month,stinks but i think this will be it,the ankle feels great,need to get off the couch,im getting round,already bought new clothes,hehe

schlitzy
schlitzy
11 years ago

Anyone else having issues logging in to their teams on yahoo?

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

you have a special coming up on Lawrie soon i assume?

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

i dont need anymore bills,still paying for my ankle

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

ive been called alot of things,but never grey

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

ha,furcal must have called his old buddy manny for some roids,another hr today along with sir Albert

uncdrew
uncdrew
11 years ago

Good ol’ Valverde. Never starts the year as a $12 salad but always ends up as one. I swear I get him every year and he way outperforms what I paid for him.

Valverde in March is the bland salad that comes with your meal and you take a few bites and push aside. But by the end of the year they’ve added bacon and blue cheese crumbles and some fruit you can’t pronounce and bingo — I’ll eat this crap.

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

24,it started with you answering questions that i dont have though

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

lawrie 7th hr,4th steal batting 360,ive got him in our keeper league anyways

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

cool,thanks,i just made both those moves in 2 tight races but was 2nd guessing myself,i no your having work done on here,i couldnt get threw all morning,are they getting close to being done?i no its been a pain for you,i really havent had much trouble lately though

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

also allen or carp

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
11 years ago

grey encarnacion or vicedio

Chinaski
Chinaski
11 years ago

Grey i have Adam Jones and Adam Lind trying their best to ruin my offensive stats for a long time now. At this point of the season there is no point tolerating players bad runs any longer, is there? What would you do? There are Wells, Duda, Mayberry, Damon, Murphy, Trout…on the wire.

Thanks

Feeding the Abscess
Feeding the Abscess
11 years ago

Kelly Johnson with another homerun. Sonofabench x 1,000,000 – his first week on my bench all season.

royce!
royce!
11 years ago

Oh, and no disrespect to your new web host. I’m sure it makes sense to those in the know.

royce!
royce!
11 years ago

“The issue of missing comments that you have experienced is caused most likely because of the propagation period. Once you have posted the new post on your blog your domain has been resolving to the old host. At the moment your domain is pointed and resolving to your new account and the change is not performed on the new server.”

Now I’m certain that this is entirely based on my computer illiteracy, but I just finished reading the transcripts from a case in which a clearly schizophrenic defendant was allowed to represent himself, and his questions and arguments make the same amount of sense as the above quote. Just one of life’s little coincidences.