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“Anything you can do I can do better,
I can do anything better than you.

No, you can’t. Yes, I can.” Sang Christian Walker (3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) as he had a double slam (19, 20) and legs (7). On Christian solder! *blowtorches a piece of metal*

“Anything you can do I can do better,
I can do anything better than you.

No, you can’t. Yes, I can.” Sang Austin Riley (3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs) as he hit hit his 17th and 18th homer.

“You’re supposed to wait for me to reply ‘Yes, I can’ after you say ‘No, you can’t.”

“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.” Sang Orlando Arcia (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) who hit his 8th homer. Next year, Christian Walker will once again be underrated, as he’s currently above Vlad Jr., Riley and others on the Player Rater, and others who went way before him, and I imagine will again in 2024. “No, they won’t.” Yes, they will! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Ginkel – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.21, as he got his 1st save. Finally, the guy who I said back in March would get saves. *dodges tomato* What? Oh, yeah, I guess you didn’t need to draft him. McGough is a mess, so I’d keep an eye on this.

Bryce Elder – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.31. Back-to-back stinkers and looks like This Year’s Teheran is this year’s Teheran.

Logan Allen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.21 as he was recalled. Allen? More like all-in, pardner! *pushes chips into middle of a table, and the table opens up and swallows chips* Hunh, weird. At this point, Allen is better than a Streamonator call. I’d start him in most leagues, but Bibee, Allen or Gavin Williams? Tough call, and shows there’s a plethora of Old Spaghetti Factories that have been converted to Cleveland Starting Pitcher Factories. Also, that’s the order.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in the past two games. Just went over him yesterday in great blurby detail. Click around the site and go read it, it’ll earn me .0000001 of a cent.

Josh Bell – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. For whom the Bell tolls! Whom!

Connor Joe – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Please, Connor Joe is my father. Call me Connor Joey.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.73. Oh, shucks, that stinks. I hate that a lot, and am not secretly reveling in his regression because I don’t have him anywhere.

Lucas Giolito – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.96. He’s going through a divorce, and, with so much change happening in his life right now, Lucas Giolito said, “I’m staying, I’m gonna make this work and do my absolute worst so I stay on the White Sox.”

Brett Baty – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. How many votes are there for Rookie of the Year? That’s how many votes behind Baty’s going to be to Carroll.

Francisco Alvarez – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer. Honestly, if Carroll wasn’t a thing, Alvarez might be having a ROY-type year. Damn solid for a catcher off waivers, anyway.

DJ Stewart – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. When did he get on the Mets? Better yet, who cares! Already chipmunking the name DJ Stewart on the Mets into my medulla oblongata for Immaculate Grid.

Tyler Wells – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.54. You know those al pastor rotating meat rotisseries? That was the Regression Fairies yesterday with MLB pitchers.

Alek Manoah – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.18. This guy couldn’t be fixed if he had his tubes tied.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper just has to face a pitcher who gets rocked in the Florida Complex League, and he’s got his power stroke back!

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer since the break, and has been hitting everything he’s seen. Light to mild hot schmotato!

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .259. “Machado’s turned his whole season around in the last few weeks, but can he turn around the Padres. That, and the weather! Coming up after the break. Stay classy, San Diego!”

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Musgrove had an early lead, cruised out to the Ivictory Coast and had a free night at the W.

Rougned Odor – Designated for assignment. Odor’s assignment is to stink less.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-4. 2 runs and his 13th homer. Semien getting his jollies off!

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 3 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.69. On the DAY OF REGRESSION as it will be stylized in history books recounting starting pitchers from today, Nathan Eovaldi throws 3 BBs to 2 Ks vs. the Rays, and coasts.

Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at…Guess. Keep in mind people want to know if they should hold him. A lot of people. Oh forget it! It’s 5.29 ERA.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Don’t need to starch your shorts when you have The Rice Bowl.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .207. “You can’t leave him here there’s a No Littering sign right on the side of the road–Whoa! Hold on! Lowe moved! He’s alive!”

Aaron Nola – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, zero homers allowed (!), ERA at 4.27. It truly is a miracle that Nola’s ERA is anywhere near 4.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5 and his 26th homer. “Hey, Schwarbs, the calendar store called and left a message, saying ‘It’s June.'” That’s the Phillies’ hitting coach.

Lane Thomas – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer. As he rounded the bases, he said, “That was for Grey who left me off his top 100 for the 2nd half.” Tough but fair.

Seiya Suzuki – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. You know the ball was flying out when Seiya was going ‘see ya.’

Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert, or is every hitter suddenly hot? Hmm…

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Damn, Rockies were smart to get him!

Framber Valdez – May not make his next start vs. the A’s. Why can’t I have nice things? Is it because I giggled during a hernia exam? It was nervous laughter!

Patrick Sandoval – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Yeah, but he was facing the Stankees. Also, Patrick Sandoval was the first Angels’ starter since June 27 to get an out in the 7th inning. Ohtani hearing that and going to negotiate with other teams on behalf of himself. I’d lean on the Streamonator for Sandoval, then pray, because I don’t trust him anymore.

Mickey Moniak – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (3). Finally someone to protect Ohtani in the order.

Trevor Story – Will begin a minor league assignment this week. If he returns with two months to play, it will be hard for him to reach his usual 12 IL stints per year.

Ryan Noda – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer since the break. Yo, whisper insight whisper, everyone was hitting yesterday.

Edouard Julien – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .308. 14 for his last 24 in his last nine games. HSA!

Alex Kirilloff – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He’s hitting third and for a solid average. Don’t think the wrist holds up, but why we gotta be such Negative Nancies?

Carlos Correa – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .234, and leadoff. Yesterday, MLB decided to try these baseballs that were labeled “2019.”

Bryan Woo – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.74. What’s the opposite of Woo? That was this.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I keep saying he’s a 2nd half hitter. Are you trying to acquire him?

Spencer Torkelson – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .232. If he gets to 24 homers and .240, you know where he’s going to be drafted next year? Somewhere after 250th overall. Hey, I never said each of these blurbs were interesting.

Tarik Skubal – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.25. Was a bad day to stop sniffing glue.

Scott Barlow – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.89. My ratios in every league are staggering around like Apollo Creed right before his head hits the mat.

Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Because I have him on a team for the first time, maybe ever, I get Joey Bangs!

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, which was a pinch-hit homer because he didn’t start. Please don’t platoon him. He’s too important to us. In his future is a chalice that is engraved THIS IS HOW WE WIN. Sorry, not to scream, but he’s got easy upper deck power MAH GAWD.


Will Benson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. That’s nice. But how about CES go YES!

Wilmer Flores – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, and three homers in two games. Wilmer Flores is a cryin’ out loud hot schmotato!

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50, as he was activated from the IL (shoulder, knees and toes. No, just shoulder). Wouldn’t take EdCab anywhere confidently until I saw more. Not even interested in EdUber, tee be aitch, but if the Streamonator liked him, I’d consider it.

Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Yanks sure couldn’t have used that this year!

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. Grabbed this pamphlet at the library, How To Avoid Pitchers’ Regression, here it’s over by this open window–NOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Brendan Donovan – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, 2nd homer since the break. Oli Marmol seemed to lose the clubhouse on day one, except for Donovan. Whatever Donovan does, Marmol seems to approve. Maybe he likes BDon’s podcasting.

Tyler O’Neill – Was rumored he was being activated on Tuesday, but won’t be activated until Thursday now. Picture it going something like this:
Cards’ trainer, “O’Neill’s ready to come back.”
Oli Marmol, “I don’t want him in my dugout.”

That was two months ago, and ever since the Cards have been trying to see what terrible trade package they can get. I’m guessing it’ll end up being 35 cents on the dollar. But maybe they can get Curtis Jackson Cron as they extract Fiddy from the Rockies. In all seriousness, I bet the Cards are hoping to get back in an O’Neill trade someone like Randy Arozarena or Adolis Garcia.