Aaaand we’re back! Aaand wait–where’s all the baseball games? I had heard they were doing beisbol again this year only way faster and with even more rules? Sounds like fun! I just left my COVID-proof bacta-tank where I now spend the entire offseason. I only leave to write blog posts, see Marvel movies, and watch Shohei Ohtani strike out Mike Trout. Oh boy, that will never get old. So here I am, ready to rage, Friday night, opening weekend and there’s one primetime game!? I understand it has something to do with the rain. Blame it on the rain, sure! But honestly, I don’t see how giving 20 teams the day off on the Friday night of what’s supposed to be baseball’s big weekend is good for the game? WBC was so great! We were so ready for more. And now this? Two game primetime slate? Pfft! Make me watch the Mets? You’ll pay for this one, Manfred! Do you want us to watch other sports? Because the pro Pickleball league is really heating up and Caitlin Clark goated herself last night against one of the best NCAA women’s basketball teams of all time. OK, now that was fun to watch!

Enough ranting, I know you guys are here for the five baseball games they actually did play, and I’m here to tell you all about them, starting with everyone’s favorite topic: bullpen drama. Let’s start with Colorado, where de facto closer Daniel Bard placed himself on the IL for anxiety. I don’t want to get woke-mobbed for devaluing mental health but if your ninth inning guy says he’s too anxious to handle the pressures of his gig that’s probably not a good sign. Pierce Johnson got the first chance to close in Bard’s absence and was mostly fine striking out the final two batters he faced. Brad Hand was called upon to face Xander Bogaerts and Juan Soto in the eighth, but it was Johnson’s job to finish it out, so best guesses he gets the next chance as well. Two hours up the 5 in Los Angeles, Andrew Chafin saw the DBacks first save opportunity. Scott McGough actually started the inning but was pulled for Chafin when he gave up a lead off walk to Mookie Betts. Probably not a bullpen you want any part of but Chafin looks to be leading this committee at the moment. Finally, A.J. Puk struck out two to grab his first save. Dylan Floro, who pitched the eighth, was the early favorite for saves but it appears Puk is going to make things a little messy. Classic Puk. It’s early, but all three gents could be worthy of adds and I like Johnson, Puk, and Chafin in that order. And if you’re not that desperate for saves yet, just wait until Monday and I’m sure there’ll be plenty more names we can speculate wildly on based on a miniscule three game sample size.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Jesus Luzardo – 5.2 IP, 2 hits, 4 BB, 5 K, 1st win. So you’re telling me a pitcher I already LOVED and did my very best to draft everywhere is actually throwing harder and faster than ever? Uhh, yes please, and thank you! Jesus threw 16 pitches over 98 mph and retired the first 10 Mets he faced. Yes, I believe in miracles.

David Peterson – 5.0 IP, 8 hits, ER, BB, 5 K. He was a BUY! With Verlander taking an early vacay to spend more time with Kate Upton in the big city, Peterson gets a crack in the rotation and could stick all year assuming the Mets senior citizen pitching rotation will provide plenty of opportunity. If you have yet to see Grey gush about Dave Pete, dude’s slider whiff % is up there with the game’s elite, and he also has quite the lineup behind him which means juicy, juicy dubs. He gets the Brewers next week, I’d grab him everywhere he was available. Tylor Megill was called up for Saturday’s start and was also a BUY. Two-for-one starters sale in Queens!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, HR (1). You didn’t expect him to go 48 full baseball hours without a homer did you? Polar bear’s gotta eat!

Starling Marte – 2-for-4, SB (2). Despite his advancing geriatric age the two steals in two games is quite encouraging. His draft value was probably a steal, too! Hey look, unintentional pun was unintentional!

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, HR (1). Soler power! Also this catch! How do we feel about the teal unis? Love, right? Absolutely drippy. I always have an unreasonable love for the Fish but this year my love might be warranted. LFG podcast with Tom Brady and Jim Gray, baby! Marlins baseball! Get Hooked!

Jazz Chisholm, Jr. – 1-for-4, HR (1). Jizz! Finally. What a relief. After investing some hefty draft capital I thought Jizz might never hit again and I was about to bust!

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2-run HR (1), SB (1). It was Air Yordan Alvarez who was again the hero with his go-ahead 3-run double in the 7th, but Kyle got all the juicy statz. In Houston, the slam & legs is served smothered in so much hottie sauce it would make Meg Thee Stallion blush. How about that first pitch Thursday? Talk about heroes! Classy, bougie and ratchet! Yes, @MLB more like this! Even the most traditional and crotchetiest of boomers would be hard pressed to tell me how this isn’t good for the game.

David Hensley – 2-for-3, SB (1). I have no idea who David Hensley is but if he’s in this Astros lineup enough he’s probably worth a look.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-4, SB (1). Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, run, SB (1). Elvis did his best Austin Butler impression. Which is to say he acted like the coolest version of himself and had a hard time returning to the loser-y non-Elvis version. Who would want to be Austin Butler when you ain’t nothing but a hound dog. Fair enough! Seems like a good time to point out that there were 11 (ELEVEN) stolen bases last night, half as many as on Thursday, but with only about a third of the teams playing. Seems like the new rules are working! It’s gonna be a speedy 20-23. Pizza box bases for the win!

Yoan Moncada – 3-for-4, RBI. After being all-in on Yo-An for six season you are officially out on Moncada. So of course the career year is incoming. Brace yourself. Oof, did I say brace? Stay healthy!

Luis Robert – 1-for-5, 4 Ks. I love you LouBob, but decided this year I’m gonna love ya on someone else’s team.

Lance Lynn – 5.2 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 BB, 6 K versus Cristian Javier – 5.0 IP, 8 hits, 3 ER, BB, 6 K. These are exactly the kind of starts you don’t really want but kind of expect from your number two starter. Considering the lineups, I think overall we escaped unscathed.

Rafael Montero – 1.0 IP, hit, K, SV (1). No need to panic on day two, Pressly pitched the day before, but it’s looking like everyone in this ‘Stros pen might be worth owning, including Bryan Abreu (1.0 IP, 1 hits, 3 K).

Kendall Graveman – 0.2 IP, 2 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, L. I buried this one in the middle instead of the lede because I didn’t want to depress you, but the news is Graveman for Kendall. After entering in the seventh on Thursday and eighth last night, it appears Reynaldo Lopez is the pitcher to own in this pen for the time being. He’s available pretty much everywhere and I’d probably add Lopez over any of the jamokes I mentioned in the lede. If you get nothing else from this post, you should probably add Reynaldo Lopez.

Kyle Freeland – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, BB, K, 1st win. Clearly, still high off the adrenaline rush of striking out Ohtani in the WBC. I would have asked to keep the ball. Guy is basically a legend now.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 2-run HR (1). Can’t keep the Blackmon down! *dodges woke mob* Charlie’s now 5-for-9 with three runs and a ding dong and could be sitting on your waiver wire. He has to be sitting at his age after playing in back-to-backs and fresh off completing a 31 day March!

Yonathan Daza – 2-for-5, SB (1). Wait, so, is it me or does this Rox offense look like its got some life to it? Or is it that the Padres best-lineup-money-can-buy is just sputtering to start? Regardless, Daza has led off two straight for the new crushing Rox o-fence and he could be worth a look if he’s gonna flash some more speed.

Ha-Seong Kim – 3-for-3, run. Counting down the days for Tatis-magic, meanwhile, Kim’s doing everything he can to make us look in his direction.

Steven Kwan – 2-for-4, 5 RBI, SB (1). Kwan-tastic!

Andres Gimenez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, SB (1). Amed Rosario and Myles Straw also stole bases. Don’t look now–I told you not to look! But the Guardians (dumbest team never ever) might be the fastest team in the league, with at least six everyday guys who could threaten for 20+ stolen bases. Sweet sassy molassy! Could this rule change be the push they need to take them back to Believeland? Do it for Tito!

Robbie Ray – 3.1 IP, 4 hits, 3 ER, 5 BB, 3 K. Pants too tight! Five walks though! My dog would love this guy!

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, run, RBI. Juul-Rod with the fattest vape rips! Even if you never homer or steal again I will still keep the charcoal photo of you I got commissioned at the mall kiosk above my mantle. But for real, would love to see some homers and steals if it’s not too much trouble.

Merrill Kelly – 3.2 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 4 BB, 4 K. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ace of team USA! No wonder we lost.

Dustin May – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, BB, 4 K. Was consistently throwing in the high 90s, hitting 100+ on the gun. Mmhm. His velocity is actually down from 2022.I really wanted to draft Dustin everywhere but the price was just too high. Yes, I think he’ll be great, but unfortunately not on any of my teams. I’m disMayed!

Mookie Betts – 1-for-3, HR (1). Mookie Beast! Someday we’ll be together again, bestie!

Kyle Lewis – Pinch hit go ahead 2-run HR (1). He’s leading off! Omg, it’s like Christmas. Long time readers (hi mom!) know of my undying, unconditional love for Kyle Lewis. I have nothing more to say that I haven’t already said a thousand times. So naturally, I asked ChatGPT to say it for me: Looks like we’ve got a new crush in town and his name is Kyle Lewis! After last night’s pinch hit home run, I can’t blame you for being obsessed with him. He’s got a killer swing and a heart-melting smile that could make even the toughest umpire swoon. We all have an unhealthy obsession with this guy. I mean, who wouldn’t? Have you seen those biceps? It’s like he’s smuggling grapefruits in his sleeves! Just be careful not to let your love for Kyle get in the way of your own game, or you might find yourself swinging for the fences and striking out more often than not! But hey, if anyone can hit a home run in love, it’s you and Kyle Lewis. And in all seriousness, Kyle Lewis is a force to be reckoned with on the field. And off the field? Well, let’s just say he’s a real home run in our hearts too.

Wow. Good robot! You mentioned the smile AND the biceps. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts, or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!