Triston McKenzie had some good news the other day. He learned he has a muscle. The bad news he received concurrently was he strained it. His teres major muscle in his shoulder is strained and he will miss up to eight weeks. A teres major muscle sounds like a muscle conductors use to wave their baton at the orchestra. Tár never had a problem with her teres major muscle. Just a brutal blow for Strong Bean. This is the worst Mr. Bean news since that other one got that turkey stuck on his head. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but missing games from McStickzie on my fantasy team absolutely hurt me. Preseason injuries are the worst. Something about drafting a guy and getting nothing from him that just stings the undercarriage like sitting on a beehive at a nude beach. Since Triston McKenzie is built like a rake, I’m imagining Sideshow Bob stepping on rake after rake and it smashing him in the face. That’s me drafting McKenzie. So, he was moved down to the top 80 starters and in the top 500. Taking his place in the rotation is Hunter Gaddis, who sounds like a nickname for the first guy who went out into the wild to provide for his family.
“Hey, have you seen Hunter Gaddis?”
“Yeah, he’s with Herb Forager.”
Keston Hiura – Designated for assignment by the Brewers, and outrighted to the minors. He’ll always be remembered as the guy who was coming off a huge rookie year, and I boldly predicted that he’d be sent back to the minors the following year. Yes, his claim to fame is a bold prediction by me saying he will suck. It’s on the back of his baseball card.
Jared Walsh – Will begin the season on the IL with headaches and insomnia. He’s got GBS. That’s Ghetto Boys Syndrome. At night Walsh can’t sleep, he tosses and turns.
Gio Urshela – Will be the Opening Day shortstop. They told Rengifo to Ren-GTFO.
Sergio Romo – Retired from baseball, i.e., Sergio no mo’.
Christopher Morel – Was sent down as the Cubs took More L, as usual. What even are they doing? Not like Morel is Mike Trout Jr., but they’re going with a platoon of Edwin Rios and Nick Madrigal? That’s hot garbage in the glove compartment of a car parked on the surface of the sun.
Bobby Dalbec – Optioned to the minors. “That’s right, baby! There’s only one Bobby D. in Boston!” That’s the Ghost of Bobby Doerr.
Michael Toglia – Optioned to the minors. He was the Rockies’ best hitter in the spring; he’s 24; he’s already been in the majors; he’s already destroyed Triple-A; he’s blocked by Mostsuckass. Rockies, please, never stop Rockies’ing. Guess this gives him time to focus on his YouTube pasta cooking show, Toglia Telly.
Grayson Rodriguez – Won’t make the Opening Day rotation. *puts sign on back that reads “No funeral” and sticks head in oven* I hate the Orioles so much. No idea what they’re even doing, but if he’s wasting bullets down in the minors, even if he’s called up quickly (which there’s no guarantee of), it’s not good for us. For now, I’m holding but that might not continue by mid-April. Such a loser franchise. There’s no reason at all to send him down. This really pains me. It makes no sense! Updated the top 60 starters and top 500.
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 27, 2023
Kyle Bradish – Made the O’s rotation. He’s in the top 100 starters, where I indirectly alluded that he could be this year’s Nestor Cortes. Yes, the very firm, confident “indirectly alluding!” The O’s are a sneaky “Me likes all their pitchers” because their stadium is so goofy big. Bradish, friends with Ken-ish and Barbie-ish, is likely just a Streamonator call for now, but I’m a cyclops with a monocle in shallower leagues.
Tyler Wells – Also made the O’s rotation. Grayson’s shoes were so big they have two guys covering for him. Not really, but I committed halfway through that sentence and didn’t feel like turning around. Wells might have Streamonator value because of Camden Miles, but I’m rooting for him to get rocked so Grayson can return.
Edouard Julien – Left a game on Monday with an ankle sprain. Ed, o, u ar? D. Lightful. Sorry, working on how I can spell his name correctly for when he gets called up in July.
JT Brubaker – Forearm discomfort and will start the year on the IL, and return in six weeks to get shut down again for a month then return with, “Oh, geez, something is not right here and maybe that’s why I gave up five runs in three innings,” then he will get Tommy John surgery. Sorry, I bought a crystal ball off eBay and I’m gonna use it!
David Peterson – Will open the season in the rotation. Woohoo! Love Peterson, wrote a sleeper post for him, but then ended up not posting it because he was buried behind Quintana. As a zombie would say, who’s buried now, baby?! Moved Peterson up in my top 80 starters and top 500. At some point, Peterson is going to throw a gem, and I will post all the stuff I had for him in my sleeper post, but let’s just look at this gorgeousness from my Justin Steele sleeper: