There’s gonna be a lot of haters out there about Jose De Leon. It’s the times we live in. His great-great-great-great grandfather was the original body-shamer. Ponce De Leon set out about five hundred and fifty years ago looking for the Fountain of Youth because, his words, “my old bitty needs to go bye-bye if she continues to sag in the FUPA area.” He was also the originator of the common 1500s phrase, “Ponce upon a time you looked good, girl.” A phrase that has rightfully disappeared from common speech before any more women were hurt by vernacular manslaughter, so to speak. As for Jose De Leon, he’s got the youth thing for days, but he’s not quite as young as Julio Urias, which I’m gonna say is a good thing in this case, because Urias is so raw he may as well be carrying botulism. De Leon, 23 years old, is destroying Triple-A on the current — 13.8 K/9, 3.06 ERA — which is more or less same-same what he’s been doing for the last two years. Even more importantly, the Dodgers have an immediate need with their rotation a M.A.S.H. unit, a Jamie-Farr-kin joke. I’d grab De Leon now in most leagues for his impending arrival. And, yes, even if Chris Archer’s in Dodger Blue, De Leon should be up. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Tyler Skaggs – I nearly made Skaggs my lede this week, but he doesn’t have any fascinating family history, unless you count a one-time singer in the Steve Miller Band. My two cents: the Andrew Miller Band when Bronson Arroyo is on guitar is better. Skaggs is safer than De Leon for this year; Skaggs should be in the majors already; no one has any idea what The Sciosciapath is doing; I’m semi-colon crazy!
Jameson Taillon – Fun fact! Jameson’s brother is named Whiskey Richard, who has a terrible nickname.
Tyler Glasnow – I just went over him this morning. If you scroll down real fast, no one will even know you’re gone.
Matt Shoemaker – In April, his ERA was 9.15. In May, 3.28 ERA. In June, 2.14. In July, 3.86. His K/9 is 9.3, BB/9 is 1.9, and, no, I have no idea why you don’t own him.
Robbie Ray – Mac Williamson and Robbie Ray sound like they starred in a blockbuster blaxploitation movie. “Nobody gets me but my woman, and anyone who happens to be near a waiver wire,” says Robbie Ray, as he drapes himself in a bear skin rug, just after having sex with three women. True story, Rudy and I used to watch blaxploitation movies in college while pre-gaming, before going out to a bar to get turned down by women. Good times! Any hoo! Robbie Ray is a cool cat, but also a straight Stream-o-Nator grab.
Jim Johnson – I could’ve also put Mauricio Cabrera here, and, you know what, I just did. That’s how you have your cake and eat it too, unless you have diabetes, then you should watch your sugar intake.
Brad Ziegler – Koji has a ‘unique injury,’ Kimbrel has an ‘injury as old as your sweatpants,’ Ziegler throws sidearm like he’s an Ultimate Frisbee champion. But only one is getting saves currently, Lil’ Z.
Jake Barrett – I’m not 100% convinced Tyler Clippard can close games, nor am I convinced Clippard’s not the closer, but it’s fun to speculate on closers, isn’t it? I’m so giddy! Ah, if only our 15-year-old selves could see us now, we’d so get punched in the face.
Sandy Leon – I wonder if you dig through the roots deep enough if this Leon is also a body-shamer. If so, Amy Schumer’s got a Facebook message for him.
Yasmani Grandal – I’m committing a cardinal Buy sin by listing two catchers, but Grey gonna Grey. Nah’mean?
Steve Pearce – I currently own Pearce in one league. In that league, I call Pearce, “I picked him up for his games in Coors, and now I’m stuck with him, because I didn’t pick up Naquin fast enough.” I usually just abbreviate it FMFBBL.
Yulieski Gurriel – It feels like just yesterday his name was Yulieski Gourriel. We were younger then, and you had more hair. So, even though his name has changed, my Yulieski Gurriel fantasy still applies. Or apples, if you’re into fruit.
Ryan Schimpf – He has so many homers this month! Audience screams, “How many homers does he have?!” Seven. Audience looks around, they weren’t expecting the actual answer.
Trea Turner – It’s kinda fitting that Turner can’t get the time of day in the Nats’ lineup, then Dusty, with no fanfare, just starts playing him every day. Dusty is one of those 12,000 piece puzzles of clouds that sits on a card table at your Great Aunt’s house.
Ryon Healy – I’m not sold on Healy’s value for mixed leagues yet, but, in AL-Only leagues, anyone with a heartbeat works. Excluding your Chevrolet.
Adonis Garcia – Yeah, yeah, I like Adonis in the big picture, but, as you can imagine, Adonis is also excitement guaranteed this weekend on the Hitter-Tron, like how the Hitter-Tron is often with strangers’ scrap metal.
Wilmer Flores – Crazy how well he’s hitting recently considering how on edge he must be around the trading deadline. Every time someone calls his name, he immediately reaches for tissues.
Jedd Gyorko – The guy who fell into a coma after the 2013 season is going wake up happy that he kept Gyorko. Though, he might be less happy about his Bill Cosby autograph collection. “This one is a signed pudding pop stick he used to stir a drink!”
Tyler Naquin – I just gave you my Tyler Naquin fantasy. It came with liner notes thanking Boo-Boo Johnson, my baby boo and Boo Radley.
Randal Grichuk – I’ve mentioned this a lot this year, and maybe it’s just my experience — we all have only one set of eyes to see the world through, unless you have Lasik surgery — but the outfielders on waivers are often terrible compared to corner and middle infidels.
Leonys Martin – With all of this Trump business in the news — is he really running for President? — I was thinking, it’s too bad Leona Helmsley is dead. She would’ve made a great cabinet member. As for Leonys, he went Jumpin’ Jack Bash the other day and could be getting hot again.
Alex Bregman – He’s coming! No, I’m not talking about L.J. Hoes. He makes other people come. No, no, no, this is Bregman! He’s coming! No, he’s not coming due to L.J. Hoes! Stay on message! Bregman is coming soon. He’ll be here by the end of next week. Grab him now. To read more on him, here’s my Alex Bregman fantasy. It was written while L.J. Hoes sat on my lap.
SELL
Troy Tulowitzki – Is he a Sell? Well (look at you rhyming!), he’s owned in nearly 100% of leagues and has been about as valuable as Brad Miller, David Freese and Joe Panik, so I’d say there’s a chance here for at least a Sell low. Maybe that Sell is more of a Drop. I don’t know, young prematurely balding man, but at this point, you need to own players that are actually producing, and not ones that were good in 2010.
Jose Abreu – I try to avoid repeat Sells, unlike my Buys that I talk about for two weeks straight then never mention again. My Sells are usually one-offs. With that said (Grey is turning this ship! Grab the starboard!), on June 10th, I said, “I hate selling low on Abreu. But, Giancarlo, gives me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change Abreu and the wisdom to know the difference, and please let Giancarlo get hot, but that’s a different story. The only bright spot to selling low on Abreu would be if this jinxes Abreu into coming around. Though, mentioning that likely dooms him to continue to suck. The dreaded reverse reverse jinx. Though, mentioning the reverse reverse jinx might re-reverse it. The reverse reverse reverse jinx? I’m getting dizzy.” And that’s me quoting me! Coming out of the break, I briefly felt like Abreu could be a buy low, but he looks like his stats should be printed on the side of a milk carton. Doode’s lost like the dudes who wrote the final season of Lost. I wouldn’t trade Abreu for a peak at Sia sans wig, but I would explore options.
