Vladimir Guerrero Jr. for Fantasy Baseball

The Jays put a hurt on the A’s like Big Hurt on the A’s hurting his legacy. I kid, nothing could hurt Big Hurt’s legacy. That’s such a great nickname too. Great nicknames are sorely lacking in baseball, and don’t call me Sorely. I tried with Cake Batter, but I’m the only one saying it. How do you think that makes me feel? Y’all can’t get behind Cake Batter when it’s all about that behind! Yesterday, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 8th homer; he looks nearly identical as every year of his career, and why you drafted him, i.e., Cake Batter will be Cake Better. Next up, George Springer (2-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 6th homer, and he had one hit in the previous two weeks. Moving on! Bo Bichette (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Don’t Boo Bichette? Oh. Any hoo, Ernie Clement (3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer), the true star of the night. Ernie went from Inside the NBA up to Toronto to sabotage the A’s. Clement is the type to get scalding hot for a week or so, now do with that what you will. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because one can only take so much Ernie Clement talk, but he’s currently lost the L and won’t have you wearing cement shoes to the bottom of your fantasy league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.86. JoBe jumped on the cruise ship, out to Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W. Deserved vacation.

Alexis Diaz – Acquired by the Dodgers. Was wondering how the Dodgers’ pen could become messier. Dodgers’ pen is similar to that girl you were friends with in college who used to dance on the bar, only their pen is a messy pitch. Dodgers’ pen is like the hockey great but sloppier, call it a messier Messier. That doesn’t really make sense, and if that surprises you, welcome to Razzball. Kinda love the idea of people getting invested in Diaz with his new locale. It’ll definitely work out. He won’t be terrible just because he’s been terrible going on two years. Sure, SoCal’s gonna clear him up immediately. Like a Chia Pet, all he needed was a little sun. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be shocked if Dave Roberts tries him as the closer, but even a Dave Roberts Masterclass can’t fix Diaz, who currently has a 4.61 ERA in Triple-A with a 7.9 BB/9. Perfection.

Jordan Lawlar – Optioned to Triple-A Reno, where he will join a keno game in progress. Not sure the point of calling up Lawlar, since they never played him, but also you can’t imagine Lawlar needs more seasoning. He’s as bold a blend of paprika, garlic salt and turmeric as you’re gonna find.

Shota Imanaga – Threw a 25-pitch session and went through running drills. Ready for a rehab assignment and an episode of Wipeout.

Evan Carter – Sprinted on Wednesday and will begin a rehab assignment this weekend. That puts him on schedule for July 2nd for his next injury. Lousy way to spend the 4th.

Xavier Edwards – Will return as a 2nd baseman and keep Ottoman at short, who is in the process of expanding his empire.

Ryan Gusto – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.62. Changing my fantasy team names from With Gusto to Without Gusto. You wronged me!

Jose Altuve – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, third homer in three games. In about a week, he moved to the top five for 2nd basemen on the Player Rater. Yes, bad position, but still.

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Could see a four-homer, .280 month from him in June, which would make him a 24-homer top three catcher. Weird numbers to pull out of nowhere? Well, they ain’t out of nowhere, sucka! That’s what he did in May, four homers and .280.

Chandler Simpson – 1-for-4, 1 run and 3 steals (17, 18, 19). Simpson sure can run, put him in a little White Bronco. Now has 11 steals in 12 games. Turning into a category winner.

Junior Caminero – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in a week. He’s on pace for 33 homers. That’s directed at the people who keep asking about dropping him.

Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.92. Meh, and can’t trust him. Sorry, not to be a Baz kill.

Tyler O’Neill – Resumed baseball activities. Cool that he updated his LinkedIn.

MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.16. If he had Max Fried’s wins — ha, dur, I know, but go with me here — Gore would be a top 20 starter.

Josh Bell – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he’s clearly a hot schmotato.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, homered the day before, and he’s gonna be a .270 hitter by the season’s end with 20/20.

Emerson Hancock – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.64. Wouldn’t even start him if the Streamonator liked him, which it sorta did yesterday.

Jackson Jobe – Landed on the IL with arm soreness. Dylan Smith will be called up, but he’s a bullpen arm — a great one, at that — but not sure what the Tigers are doing about their rotation opening. Where’s Doyle Alexander?

AJ Smith-Shawver – Left in under three innings when he “heard a pop in his elbow.” Like a soda? Right? An emoji that waits for an answer with bated breath and doesn’t blink for five hours until finally it blinks very slowly and falls over dead. ASS hit the IL, which is the one weird twerk no one wanted to see.

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.06. He recorded career strikeout 2,500, and became the fastest in MLB history to do that, beating Randy Johnson by almost 100 innings. That’s insanely impressive. I don’t know how he’s not a 1st ballot HOFer. If he’s not, cut up your ballots now; he has scissors you can use.

Sean Murphy – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. “That’s me boy!” That’s Pat Murphy, the Brewers’ manager, during a late-night drinking sesh when he thinks everyone with the Murphy last name is his son.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I still have hope, faith, c’mon, thesaurus, give me something — the confidence! — that Albies can be decent.

Austin Riley – 4-for-8, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .280. Austin is heating up right about now! Sorry, was talking about the city in Texas. Rudy lives there and told me. Is this a weird time to bring it up?

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but I’d start him anywhere; his peripherals are some of the nicest in baseball. Rawr! Though, so were. Dot dot dot.

Zack Wheeler – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.96. So, that’s why the Mets let him walk.

Rafael Marchan – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. In the box score lineup, he’s listed as Marchan, then again under HR, HBP and caught stealings: He’s listed as Marchán. Then in The Sopranos credits he’s listed as Marchand.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-8, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Here’s why comparing different generations is so silly. You can take a guy like Kyle Schwarber and, if you look close enough, you can see a guy from two different eras in one guy. One, when the shift was legal, and one from post-shift outlawed. On the surface, it’s not that big of a deal, but Schwarber went from a .220-hitting fool if he was lucky to an expected batting average guy of .280. If he hit .280 for the first eight years of his career, we’d be talking about how he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer. Now? Well, he’s gonna need to finish his career very strong to get in the conversation. So, when people say, Ronald Acuña Jr. is more talented than Henry Aaron — as they were saying on MLB Network the other day — it’s stupid at best, and borderline CTE at worst. Acuña is crazy talented, but he has modern training and the pitch clock. Also, I’ll buy that different eras with the new player being much better when discussing someone as throw-back as Babe Ruth vs. Acuña, but Hank Aaron faced Bob Gibson, Nolan Ryan and not 70-MPH part-time plumbers.

Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, ERA at 7.29, and his 8th save. You ever see the documentary Man on Wire? Okay, imagine that but with a closer.