Pittsburgh Resurrects Has-Been Corbin

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Yesterday, the Nats’ GM Rizzo put his feet up on his desk, rolled up a million dollar bill and used it to lit a cigar filled with million dollar bills, saying, “And that’s why I gave Patrick Corbin $140 million eight years after his prime.” Patrick Corbin went 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 6.06. You can think to yourself, “Damn, I should’ve streamed Patrick Corbin yesterday because the Streamonator loved it,” but I’d prefer to think, “I ain’t ever starting a pitcher with a 6+ ERA.” His last three years of ERAs are…I’d ask for a drum roll, but they deserve a sad trombone…4.66, 5.82, 6.06. If we were in Bizarro World, you’d be collecting your crown from America’s Next Top Model and Patrick Corbin would be an ace. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Meaty Mighty Pasquantino, Catch A Royal By The Bambino

by: Grey

Have you ever been to Staten Island? Shame if not. It’s one of the best boroughs. Imagine if they built a pizzeria on top of a garbage dump. That’s Staten Island. On Staten Island, there’s a Mother Mary statue on every lawn, as far as the eye can see. On each Mother Mary statue, there’s garland and Christmas lights. All year around. If you were to turn on all those Mother Mary Christmas lights statues together, you could see them from the moon. The electric bill would be a fortune too, about as much to cover the gabagool expenses for the entire borough. Anyway, you take all those Mother Mary Christmas lights statues’ electrical power, and you still don’t have the power of Vinnie Pasquantino and the sheer electricity he brings. In 69 games — hey now! — of Triple-A, he had 18 HRs and a 12.2% strikeout rate. What is he, a power hitter that’s gonna hit .280? Mama mia, that’s Italian! His walk rate (12.5%) was over his strikeout rate! *pinching the cheeks of Vinnie Pasquantino’s player page* You’re so handsome! With Carlos Santana being traded to the Mariners — figured Carlos Santana would’ve went for a last hoorah in Philly with Rob Thomson, but oh well — Vinnie Pasquantino is worth a flyer for power in all leagues. It’s Vinnie Pasquantino PaiSZN! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yanks’ Bats Don’t Want To Dance With No-Hitney Houston

June 27, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 358 Comments

by: Grey

On Sunday, Jose Urquidy went 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.36, which, honestly, is kinda whatever, until you hear this one. The Giancarlo homer (his 17th) in the 7th was the first hit by the Yankees in 16 1/3 IP, and nearly 41 hours. *letting out the longest woof known to man* On Saturday, Cristian Javier didn’t come up short (7 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, one walk, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.73). Well, he kinda did, since the Astros needed two more pitchers for the combined no-hitter in Yankee Stadium. After the game, there was an interview with Cristian Javier where he thanked God multiple times, so as we thought, God hates the Yankees. It’s a brutal way to lose a game, but it’s gotta be demoralizing to hear the Big Man Upstairs hates your guts. Listen, no-hit me, talk that trash, but thank God afterwards proving God hates me? That’s soul-crushing. Actually, I’m a bit scared to write about the no-hitter. The Clay Holmes’s official scorer might go in and change a ground ball to a hit just to feel something. Welp, we got ourselves a top 100 starts of the year page, and you can see for yourself where Javier landed with that gem. If you got sonavabenched by that one, well, God might not like you either. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Cool Buy Luke

June 24, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell, Featured | 233 Comments

by: Grey

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

Holds out hand towards mouse, while internet page is open to waivers, “Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.” Cougs walks in and sees I’m dressed as Darth Vader — again — and asks me if I’m gonna be playing fantasy all night or if we can watch some foreign film about a son who is secretly in love with his mother or some crap. “I’m playing fantasy,” I scream, but that fogs up my Darth mask, and I pout, removing it. Thanks a lot! So, we’ve had Josh Lowe, C.J.Abrams, Oneil Cruz, Riley Greene, Alex Kirilloff, Jarren Duran, and now we’ve got this new youngster, Luke Voit! Okay, not a youngster, but as June turns to July, the rookie callups are mostly behind us and it’s time we roll up our Ocean Pacific shorts, so we’re wearing short shorts, and dig in on guys who can actually help the ol’ fantasy team. Voit’s been on a heater in the month of June, and he could carry that over for another week, a few weeks or even a few months. Being under 50% rostered in mixed leagues needs to end, and let me get back to playing with my Smorestroopers! (Stormtroopers I made out of marshmallows, graham crackers and dark side chocolate.) Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Frankie Says Relax Mariners!

June 24, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 166 Comments

by: Grey

Frankie Says Relax Mariners! *does a wild dance breakdown* Don’t do it! You know you want to no-hit it! Relax, don’t do it! You know you want to no-hit it! *begins to pant from overexcitement and needs to sit down* That was the best bar mitzvah I ever attended. El oh el, Frankie Montas is […]

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I Knew Charlie Was Morton Just A Washed Up Ace

June 23, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 287 Comments

by: Grey

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Chazz whiz, he looked good! Wait a second, did I just invent his new nickname? From Ground Chuck to Chazz Whiz: The Story of Charlie Morton as told to me by Statcast sliders. Yesterday, Charlie Morton went 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 11 Ks, ERA at 4.84, and now we’re talking II. Related to but not Travolta and Alley, and no relation to Michael Harris II. Morton did look legitimately better than he’s looked recently. The lack of walks, and holding the Ks. The Morton issue was always mechanical, and that can get fixed at any point. He might’ve done it. It’s honestly impossible to know. As BDon and I have been saying on the podcast for the last few weeks, it was the curve that abandoned him. Not his velocity. The curve:

Charlie Morton, Disgusting Knuckle Curves. ?

3,278 and 3,054 RPMs pic.twitter.com/pEvZYfav2M

— Rob Friedman (@PitchingNinja) June 23, 2022

Looks pretty back if it’s generating swings and misses like that one. Will be interesting to see how he builds on this. Philly won’t be an easy assignment for Chazz Whiz; they’ll wanna get their licks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What A Wicked Game By Isaac

June 22, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 260 Comments

by: Grey

Takes off Hello Kitty headphones, places head on the train tracks. Faintly off in the distance, I can hear the very subtle call of exuberance. A very, small yay. That’s the sound of the one fantasy baseball owner who has Isaac Paredes in their lineup for his three-homer night (3-for-3, 4 RBIs, 6th, 7th, and 8th homer). I’ll be real with you, I was sweating this one for Mark Whiten. Back in 1993, Whiten glued four baseballs to his hand back, and he ain’t trying to get a new member of the club. For those of you singing, “I love a Paredes,” I know. This would’ve been Ethel Merman’s best day in fantasy baseball. RIP, you bussin’ Queen. Any hoo! Hard to hit three homers and not be a schmotato, so I could see grabbing Paredes, but Cash is there. Cash’s favorite movie? Platoon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tampa’s Got Their Fill of Gerritheatrics

June 21, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 329 Comments

by: Grey

If you’ve prayed to the House of Mustache, knelt before the King of Knows-A-Thing, drank from the Fantasy Master Lothario’s Kool-Aid, wept into the Cup of What Am I Doing With Jose Berrios, farted in the direction of everyone who drafts a starter early, then you did not enjoy Gerrit Cole (7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.14) last night. No worries, we are here for each other during these difficult days. If one of you reading this had Cole go last night, I am screaming, “Infidel,” at you while spraying you with vape juice (it’s all I have handy). We must live together without the aces and die together without the aces. Y’all who are sneaking aces are cheating and you best sleep with your eyes open. If you really want to know how Cole’s doing (why?), he’s doing great. His peripherals look as great as they’ve been post-Spider Tack — 11.6 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 2.73 xFIP. The best ever he’s looked? Meh, not really. That was in Houston. The best he’s looked with the Yankees? Borderline acceptable to say that. Honestly, he’s great. Remember, it’s not about us missing out on Cole, it’s about the guys we’re able to get later in place of him. For unstints, his opponent last night: Shane McClanahan (6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.81). Imagine seeing both Cole and McClanahanananananananan’s numbers this year and being like, “That’s why you draft Cole in the 1st round!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This Weekend We Are All At Least Prospective Fathers

June 20, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 388 Comments

by: Grey

For Mother’s Day, MLB uses pink bats. My suggestion for Father’s Day is bats with hairy bags hanging off the handle. This suggestion appears to fall on deaf ears, even though I go through the proper channels, filling out all the comment cards in the lobby at MLB headquarters. Even chitchatting with Jim, at security, for way longer than most people! No one hears my suggestions! Shoot, I was typing that instead of saying it out loud in the lobby. Hmm, my bad. Hope everyone’s Father’s Day was nice, with a special shoutout to the fathers who are “yelling at cars on their street to slow down” years old. You know who you are (all of you). So, all the fantasy fathers got good news this weekend, major rookie nookie incoming (not from their wives, as usual). First call-up was Alex Kirilloff, after being in my Friday Buy. Not sure if we’ll talk about him today on the podcast, since BDon spent the last six weeks talking about him incessantly like he lost a bet. Next up was Riley Greene, as he started in the majors on Saturday. Dan Pants gave you his Riley Greene fantasy on Saturday. I’ve been giving you a Riley Greene fantasy for the last six months. If you don’t pick up Riley Greene, you hate winning and America. You’re a Communist. I’m sorry, please enter your driver’s license number in the comments. We need to send people to your house. Finally, the Pirates made all our dreams come true. No, they didn’t dissolve into other teams, so all their pitchers could become aces. They called up Oneil Cruz! Literally just gave you my Oneil Cruz fantasy. It’s all there. The “it” I am referring to are his five tools and my post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Even The Threat Of Pirates Can’t Stop Me From Buying This Cruz

June 17, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell, Featured | 311 Comments

by: Grey

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

It’s time for a Pirates mailbag:

Q: Hey, Mikey Yinz here, I was over in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. Not Fred. I mean Roger Rogers, guy I went to Andy Carnegie High School with. I don’t know his real name, we call him Roger Rogers because he’s got a stutter. We were watching the Pirates and eating a two-hander from Primanti’s, and Roger Rogers says to me, after some coaxing with a smack on his back, “What’s going on with Oneil Cruz?” And it got me thinking, let me ask Grey.
A: He’s being called up soon, or not at all, like Bobby Witt Jr. from last year. He’s past service time thresholds. Of course, there’s a new CBA that might have new cutoff days. Baseball’s service time is purposely incomprehensible. It’s like the tax code. They don’t want us to know.
Q: Is he a generational talent like Pops Stargell or a no-good, sell-out like Sid Bream?
A: Closer to a generational talent, but depends on how long the Pirates keep him in the minors on what generation. We have a tool — the Prospectonator — that projects every rookie, and Oneil Cruz is number one by a large margin. He’s a 25/15/.260 hitter (prorated), if he ever gets to the majors.
Q: Like the difference between homemade ketchup and Pittsburgh’s own H.J. Heinz?
A: Yes.
Q: 57 varieties and thicc, baby! Ain’t that right, Roger Rogers? Yo, he just gave you a double nod! Would you say, “Oneil’s finally a prospect to buy without warning ‘But Pirates?'”
A: Sure.
Q: Say it: “But Pirates.”
A: No.
Q: Damn.
Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Brutus The Schwarber Beefcake

June 17, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 213 Comments

by: Grey

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Bryce Harper (1-for-4, 2 runs) and Kyle Schwarber (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer), stand behind home plate watching Harper’s dad throw batting practice. Schwarber walks out and stops Harp’s dad, “Thanks, but I think I’m gonna use the other guy for the Home Run Derby.” Schwarber points to Patrick Corbin. What’s the opposite of June gloom? Kyle Schwarber’s got that. Kyle Schwarber is the first Phillies hitter with 18 homers in the team’s first 64 games since Domonic Brown in 2013. Shoutout to Tehol! By the by, if you weren’t around last November during the offseason, our writer (?) Tehol was on the Bachelorette. I’m not joking:

One of our Razzball writers is on this season of The Bachelorette — which guy? The one not wearing pants pic.twitter.com/I8COMDuE2z

— Razzball (@Razzball) October 19, 2021

Any hoo! Anyone that can remember Schwarber’s last June knows he loves hitting in June and in Nationals Park. He had 16 homers last June, then burned out almost as quickly. Someone remind me to trade for Schwarber on May 31st and trade him away on July 1st. Yo, Schwarber save some for after the summer solstice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tyler The Cremater

June 16, 2022 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes, Featured | 270 Comments

by: Grey

*wavy lines* Hey, what’s up, it’s back in March! This is awesome! I did a time travel! No, I don’t want to sell my crypto while it’s still at an all-time high! No, I don’t want to bet on Aaron Judge winning the MVP! I wanna draft Tyler Anderson and Tony Gonsolin and avoid Julio Urias and Walker Buehler. And draft Anderson and Gonsolin in the 2nd and 3rd rounds, just to freak everyone out! *Wavy lines* That was the best dream sequence ever. Surprised Dave Roberts didn’t bring in Clayton Kershaw to finish off the no-hitter. It was, after all, a gazillion pitches thrown by Tyler Anderson (8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.82). Towards the end, it seemed like he wanted the Angels to get a hit just to end his night. I got goose pimples for Tyler, since he could no longer feel his arms. I’m not casting aspersions on Anderson and Gonsolin but I think they both lost the same amount of weight in the preseason. 21 grams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Author: Grey

Read some of Grey's 4912 posts

Pittsburgh Resurrects Has-Been Corbin

Meaty Mighty Pasquantino, Catch A Royal By The Bambino

Yanks’ Bats Don’t Want To Dance With No-Hitney Houston

Cool Buy Luke

Frankie Says Relax Mariners!

I Knew Charlie Was Morton Just A Washed Up Ace

What A Wicked Game By Isaac

Tampa’s Got Their Fill of Gerritheatrics

This Weekend We Are All At Least Prospective Fathers

Even The Threat Of Pirates Can’t Stop Me From Buying This Cruz

Brutus The Schwarber Beefcake

Tyler The Cremater