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Buy Joe, Don’t Be An Ignore-a-Musgrove

June 1, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 391 Comments

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“You want me to list the eczema medication’s ingredients?  Can I ask you why?”  “JUST LIST THEM.”  “Okay, take it easy.  Propylene glycol, paraffin wax, pinetaroleum–”  “PINETAROLEUM IS NOT ALLOWED.  IT INDUCES A HIGHER SPIN RATE.”  That is part of a recurring dream Trevor Bauer has where he’s dressed as a TSA agent, while standing on the side of the Astros pitcher’s mound.  The dream always ends the same way.  Someone asks Trevor Bauer how does he account for Joe Musgrove being better after leaving the Astros and Bauer wakes in a sweat, screaming, “GERRIT COLE STOLE MY COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND!”  Joe Musgrove’s velocity is up, he’s throwing a cutter 15% of the time more and abandoned his curve altogether.  This has upped his ground balls (not literally) and made him a usable pitcher for all leagues, and around a 3.60 ERA pitcher.  Of course, he’s not a sub-1.00 ERA pitcher, as he is right now, but still ownable everywhere.  Though, I guess he could be a 1.00-ERA pitcher if his eczema medication has pinetaroleum.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Bieber Fills The Cleveland Heartthrob Void Unfilled Since Grady

June 1, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 302 Comments

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True Story Alert!  Justin Bieber used to live about two blocks away from Cougs and I.  Honestly, he might still live there, but I doubt it because I no longer go to the supermarket (block between us) and hear this, “BIEBER, I LOVE YOU.  HERE IS MY VIRGINITY.  LITERALLY TAKE IT FROM ME.  PLEASE!!!”  Also, I no longer have to jostle between TMZ cameramen for my kombucha.  Here’s a story about how he wanted to put a skatepark into his condo.  Dude, LA’s special.  Any hoo!  Yesterday, I was screaming like a 15-year-old girl for Shane Bieber to remove my sexual flower for the first few innings, then he ran into some trouble in the 5th, when it became apparent major league hitters (even the bottom of the Twins’ order; Ryan LaMarre, really?) are not quite who he was blowing away in the minors this year (1.05 ERA, 8.1 K/9, 0.5 BB/9).  He worked consistently down in the strike zone with a 93 MPH fastball, and broke off, uh, breaking stuff off down and outside.  There wasn’t a ton of hard contact until the 6th inning, which was a quick turnaround on a 5th inning, which saw him clearly winded — final line, 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (1 BB), 6 Ks.  I’m interested in him in deeper mixed leagues, but he looks like he will have the usual rookie pitcher lumps.  For what it’s Werth, he’s the 9th best starter on the Prospect-o-Nator, which lists all rookie pitcher projections.  Plus, no reports of this Bieber wanting a skatepark.  That’s good.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

I’d Like ‘WTF Did You Expect First Start Back From TJS’ For $400, Alex

May 31, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 505 Comments

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A no innings restriction Alex Reyes = Geez, first time that’s ever happened, usually I last much longer.  Yesterday, Reyes went 4 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated.  But his rehab told me he was supposed to throw a complete game with 15 Ks!  What gives?  There was some concern his velocity dropped towards the end of yesterday’s start, but it seemed to me more like a situation where he was just gassed from not being able to find the plate, and he confirmed that after the game.  I’m still all-in on Reyes, but he might be more like every other pitcher who has ever had Tommy John surgery than we thought, i.e., lacking command for a month or two to regain mechanics, which is different than a bunch of balding guys at Pep Boys.  That’s Rogaine mechanics.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

My Finger Is Thor

May 30, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 474 Comments

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Times like this you wish Noah Syndergaard wasn’t complaining of a ligament strain and just had a bad lisp.   “Oh no! My finger is Thor, and it needs a Syndergaard.”  More like Noah Fingergaard!  Noah Syndergaard hit the DL with a finger ligament strain.  I’m fully aware that at least one person in every league ignored my advice to ignore Syndergaard and drafted him very early, so I will do something I’ve never done before, not gloat.  True story, my crazy aunt used to say I gloated all the time behind her back (I did) and I drove her into a mental asylum.  See, when I say my ‘crazy’ aunt, I’m being literal!  So, without gloating, let me just say when a pitcher proves himself to be injury prone, take his word for it.  His Synderwoord?  DeGrom’s already had a dislocated elbow, and my money’s on him getting injured at some point again soon too.  Same goes for Kershaw.  Not trying to be harsh, it’s just truth bombs.  If you own Syndergaard, hope he returns relatively soon, but this is the kind of injury that sidelines a pitcher for an entire season.  Sorry, another truth bomb.  Oh, and the Mets said Syndergaard can return in ten days.  What’s the opposite of a truth bomb?  That’s what that is.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Rays Died On Cahill For Our Freedom

May 29, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 383 Comments

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Hope everyone’s well rested and had a joyous Michael Bay Day.  If you couldn’t be American yesterday, I hope at least you got drunk and ate a bunch of hot dogs.  As they say in Mississippi, Amurica, “Spelling’s for sissies!”  In honor of Amurica’s half birthday, I hope you put a hot dog in your fly and went up to a female reporter, then let Roger Clemens watch you have sex with his wife.  Amurica would’ve wanted it that way!  Trevor Cahill did his part of keeping Amurica as true as the red, white and blue underwear you wash once a year and shut down those Rays, who we know want to have Devil in their name.  Cast out their demons, Trevamurica!  Yesterday, Cahill went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  He’s never gonna give you a fire emoji of 98 MPH or even throw his fastball more than 45% of time.  He is throwing his slider twice as much as last year, cutting his curve’s usage, and after about 11 years in the league, it looks like its paying dividends.  His ground ball rate is over 60% and his walk rate is down to 1.8 with a 8.4 K/9.  What, you a rich man’s Dallas Keuchel?  I will call you, Dynasty’s Carrington.  I could see owning him in almost all mixed leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Folty(Is Good I)newicz

May 28, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 308 Comments

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I went into the Mike Foltynewicz vs. Red Sox in Fenway matchup a spry, jovial young rascal.  The mischievous imp of Chinese food, the rapscallion.  Then Mike Faultywirewitz went 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55, and I aged forty years.  “I was told just the painting of me is supposed to age.”  That’s me trying to get a refund for my Dorian Grey Albright portrait.  The time Finkynewhitch was on the mound was like the three-year span when I lost my fortune investing in Beanie Babies compressed into two hours.  He just loses all semblance of the strike zone out of completely nowhere.  It’s like, “We’re cruising….so cruising…And now I’m throwing five feet outside the strike zone.”  With that said, it’s hard not to be encouraged — his velocity is up to 96 MPH; his K/9 is up to 10.4; he’s got the best xFIP of his career, and his team should provide run support.  He’s also in his third full year when I like to look for starter breakouts.  The only drawback is his command is a mess.  As long as you watch him pitch with cucumbers on your eyes to combat the wrinkles, you’ll be fine.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Buy That Jesus Can Turn Aguilar Into Vino

May 25, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 408 Comments

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In the spring of 2018, the Catholic Church summoned Father Carmen Sandiego to the Vatican to give him the job to investigate miracles, supernatural signs and apparitions.  Unfortunately, Father Carmen Sandiego, who wasn’t very good with his GPS, got lost for four days in the Steven Avery car lot in Wisconsin, then ended up in Milwaukee.  When he wandered into the parking lot of Miller Park, and Brewers fans tailgating with MGD and cheese curds, everywhere Father Carmen Sandiego turned he heard about the resurrected Jesus Aguilar, so he chose to investigate.  He found a player who had lowered his strikeout rate 8% from last year, upped his walk rate, cut his soft contact and could be a sneaky 25-homer, .275 guy.  Jesus didn’t appear to him in a vision, he was flesh and blood, like the Lenny & Squiggy cosplayers he also encountered.  However, Father Carmen Sandiego didn’t report back to the Vatican, instead he grabbed Jesus for his fantasy team.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Dylan Strikes Out 9+0+2+1+0 Plus 2 White Sox

May 25, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 324 Comments

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Visual Metaphor Alert!  When a boat sinks, you can avoid sinking longer if you scramble to the stern of the boat.  As the boat sinks, you will be out of the water longer.  The Orioles have started playing baseball on that stern of the Titanic.  Of course, then the whole thing snaps in half and drowns you anyway.  “Hey, there’s Machado floating by with six life vests on, and there’s a different team insignia on each life vest!  Hey, Machado, can I get the Yankees’ life vest?  Machado?  Hey, Adam Jones!  Do you need that Nationals’ life vest?  Adam?   Aw geez.”  That’s Dylan Bundy wearing the Orioles’ life vest, as Mancini sinks holding onto Bundy’s ankle.  Yesterday, Bundy went 9 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 4.45, throwing 121 pitches.  *uck Showalter really wanted to get Bundy the complete game, huh?  It’s not like he had a no-hitter going, he surrendered a homer in the 4th inning.  The Orioles also had a six-run lead and were going for win number 16.  Showalter prolly just had a senior moment.  “How do you get this motorized scooter up the dugout steps and to the mound?”  That’s Showalter.  Bundy’s peripherals are actually gorge — 11.1 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.85 xFIP.  Thus far, he’s been unlucky, which goes without saying because he’s on the Orioles.  Hard for me to get excited for that reason, too.  Of course, his numbers say he should be owned everywhere.  Good luck with that!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Ranger Arms In Gleyber Danger While Yanks Pitchers Can’t Take No More Mazara

May 24, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 517 Comments

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Yesterday’s Yankee/Rangers game started with a 1st-inning blast from Didi Gregorius (1-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .246) and his 11th homer.  The return of The Gregorius D.I.D. giving fantasy owners one more chance to tell trade partners gimme the loot, gimme the loot!  Also, in this game, Aaron Judge (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .284) went bye-bye now with his 13th; Neil Walker (2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .220) said get those tennis balls off my feet and hit his 2nd (this week); Nomar Mazara (2-for-5, 3 BRIs, hitting .274) said two teams can play that game and hit his 11th, and Ronald Guzman (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer, and his third game in a row, and the two time in a row I said to pick him up.  Rinse, repeat.  Also, in this game, Aaron Judge–Sorry, got carried away with the repeat gag.  Speaking of gags:  Fister, I hardly know ya!  And I wish you BCC’d me on Sabathia.  But the real news, Gleyber Torres (1-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .323) hit his 8th homer, and his 5th homer in five games) had his star mitzvah this week.  Were you invited?  Lou Bega performed.  They had dreidel piñatas.  The pot roast was cut-your-mouth dry.  All the fixins!  I know someone who wasn’t invited, Aaron Boone.  Has to explain how Gleyber’s still hitting 9th.  Can someone mansplain to me what’s going on?  Did Neil Walker win a Boone family egg toss so he has to bat so high?  Maybe if Boone’s entire coaching experience wasn’t hitting a walk-off homer, we’d have some idea how this should play out.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

FBI’s G-Man Raids Chicago For A Fantasy Baseball Investigation

May 23, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 476 Comments

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To find my preseason article, I Googled “Kevin Gausman sleeper” and Google asked, “Did you mean 2015, 2016, 2017 or 2018?”  Google can be such a little snitch sometimes.  Yo, Google, mind your own business!  “Did you mean ‘How do I start my own business?’ or ‘How do I start my own business that actually makes money?'”  I hate you, Google!  In the preseason, I said, “In the 2nd half, Gausman was a top 20 starter-ish.  Top 20-ish?  Top-ish?  You get the drift.  In the 2nd half, he had the 16th best K/9 with a 2.8 BB/9.  He had the 21st best ERA with the 23rd best xFIP.  He had the 24th best fastball with the 3rd best splitter.  Or spliiter, if Desiigner is reading.  He averaged the 12th fastest, uh, fastball while throwing it the 12th most in the majors.  Some of these factoids are neither here nor there, but I’m filling in your charcoal sketch.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yesterday, he went 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (1 BB), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.48, and xFIP down to 3.65, which is the 29th best in the majors, between Hendricks and Newcomb.  And I ranked him 31st for starters in the preseason!  What does this mean?  Nothing really, but cool.  He has carried over that newfound command from the 2nd half and still striking out guys around mid-8 K/9.  Do I love owning an Orioles starter?  Do I look daffy?  But Gausman has been solid.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

T. O’Neill Playing Kelly In Cards Reboot Of Bad News Bears

May 22, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 490 Comments

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Let’s see, if Tyler O’Neill is Kelly Leak, then Coach Walter Matheny is curmudgeonly happy.  “Lean into the pitch, Whomever is the Cards catcher while Molina and Kelly are out!”  If in this reboot T. O’Neill is playing Kelly, who’s playing the girl’s role on the Cards?  Hmm, only one it could be is Tommy Herr.  Come out of retirement!  By the by, this movie?  Doesn’t hold up at all.  Don’t ever watch it again.  Remember what you can and move on.  Any hoo!  Tyler O’Neill (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .368) hit yet another homer — his third in three games — and he’s capable of hitting 30 homers.  Not over the whole year, like if we’re backtracking, I mean from today forward.  Not sure if the Cards play him, sometimes Walter Matheny appears drunk, but I would grab O’Neill for power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Juan Soto In Nats Wars: The Last OF

May 21, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 562 Comments

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Howie Kendrick is out for multiple 10-day DLs with a ruptured Achilles injury.  Look at it this way, if Achilles couldn’t come right back from an Achilles injury, how would Kendrick?  He can’t, he’s out for the year.  Enter stage left, Juan Soto.  True story, as I was listening to Prospector Ralph and Lance Broetc. discuss the top 25 prospects for fantasy baseball (clickbait!), every time Ralph would say Juan Soto I’d think he was asking Lance if he wanted soda.  I kept wanting to say, just give him a Dr. Pepper and stop asking if he’s thirsty!  I don’t drink Soto, because it makes me burp, but I’ll tell you what?  I’ve found a special appreciation for La Croix.  Give me flavored seltzer or give me death, as Alan Hale Jr. once said.  Any hoo!  Love, love, lurve what the Nats did.  If you have a guy that’s going to be a superstar?  You call him up!  H to the hockey sticks with an E in between!  If the Blue Jays don’t call up Vlad soon, I will call them the BJs for the rest of eternity.  Ralph has gone over Juan Soto so many times, that it’s silly to reiterate.  Literally, he just wrote a Juan Soto fantasy.  If you’re really lazy and you have wheels on your barcalounger so you can get around, the most succinct is Soto could be a 35/12/.300 hitter during his peak and is 19 years old with extra fizz.  You can expect this year something similar to Bryce Harper’s rookie year — 20/15/.270.  If your eyes don’t bug out on that, you’ve lost feeling in your eyes.  Get them checked.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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