It’s Brice To ‘Stro You

Saw Brice Matthews was called up by the Astros, ya know, their sexy hitting shortstop prospect and I was like, “Okay, what happened to Jeremy Pena?” But I didn’t see any negative updates on Pena. Astros said he’s fine, I could check on him myself. His right leg is in that box over there, his ankle is in that drawer, his right arm is in the car, his hand in the glove compartment, his nose — how’d he lose his nose? Was it a game of Got Cha Nose with an uncle that went wrong? — well, that’s in the fridge and his left arm is on ice, in the freezer. Overall, Pena is great! The reason why we care is Matthews looks terrific, .283/.400/.476 with 10 homers, 39 RBIs and 25 steals at Triple-A in 73 games. Itch said two weeks ago, “Matthews is on the brink of a big league debut and looking great as he waits, slashing .396/.484/.698 with three home runs over his last 13 games. I’d like to push Grey off a brink of something.” What? Could see adding Matthews anywhere you need speed, but he could struggle for average (30.2% K% in Triple-A) and projections say he’ll hit .210. The best reading of this playing time shituation is Altuve back to LF, Smith to RF, Pena to short and Matthews to 2nd base. Oh, and Yordan’s hand, the good one, to on top of the Gatorade bucket to wave to fans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 24th and 25th homer. Next week my top 100 for the 2nd half will be released (today on Patreon!) and PCA is one of the easiest guys to rank, because I’ve been saying since the 2nd week of the season he’s a top 20 guy. It’s only how high to push him above that. PCA or Juan Soto? PCA of Lindor? PCA or Corbin Carroll? That’s where he’s at, and it’s glorious.

Colin Rea – 7 IP, 1 ER,, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Ever hear Calling All Angels while shopping at the Pottery Barn and starting singing it to Colin Rea? No? Sounds like you’re weird. Guess you can Streamonator Rea, but his perfs are grotesque.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.95. Sometimes I think back at how great Paddack’s 2019 season was and think I dreamt the whole thing, but in my dream I’m writing about fantasy baseball, so it doesn’t seem like a dream, but then again Sydney Sweeney is reading what I wrote and saying, “He’s so smart, haha, and handsome,” then I pull back further and Sydney Sweeney is reading it her father, a balding 65-year-old man, and petting a dog named Handsome. Is this a dream or not? God damn it!

Kody Clemens – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, though not the Twins’ last three games because: Baldelli. Also, Clemens won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column because: Baldelli. Everything awful: Baldelli.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. On the 30-day Player Rater, it has the stats for every player for the last month. Steer has seven homers in that time, same number as Acuña, and one more than everyone’s current favorite, George Springer. (And because I was there, Byron Buxton has 10 homers with seven steals, and is the best outfielder for the last month.)

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. He’s become a pitcher this year, instead of a thrower, and looks lined up for a huge step forward next year, as he becomes a perennial top 20 starter. He’s got the makings of a 2026 sleeper. “Don’t let him put that curse on you!” That’s 2025 sleeper Brandon Pfaadt.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in three games. Pound for pound the best source of power and only power? I think maybe, but don’t take my word for it, ask my pillow I drew a face on that I named Ginacarlo.

Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.66. If only the Devil Rays were still around.

Bryan Woo – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Went from a no-hitter into the 7th to a no decision. Woo-hoo to boo-hoo pretty quickly.

Jorge Polanco – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Think he’s rostered in too many leagues for an official hot schmotato alert, but here’s an unofficial one.

Andres Munoz – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.54, and 6th blown save, but, before this, he was a witch teat away from having an ERA under 1. Supposedly, he was tipping his slider, which the Yankees picked up on. Crazy how quickly MLB hitters pick up on tipping.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .254. Which Contreras brother is higher on the Player Rater? Any guesses? If you guessed William, you’re not paying attention. There will be no three-peat for William at the top of the Player Rater for catchers. Even without Dumper, he’d miss out there, as he’s currently below Kirk with no beaming up in sight.

Miles Mikolas – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.94. He came up an out short of a Quality Start because he hates nerds who play in those leagues. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!

Gunnar Henderson – 4-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, a pinch-hit homer in Game 1. Thank God this was a doubleheader, because there was no way I was taking him out my fantasy lineup even though he was rested in the first game. I’m like a beaten dog, flinching at things that aren’t even there.

Jordan Westburg – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He’s around 100th overall on the 30-day Player Rater. A bit meh, around top 12 overall for 2nd basemen in that timeframe. In retrospect, we should’ve got out on all our Orioles player shares in April. It was hard to see it in April, and no way to see it in March.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.18. His ERA’s been 3.05 since April 27th. Call me Chazz Facepalminteri that I’m over here struggling to make something work with some lesser schmohawks.

Tomoyuki Sugano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.44. Watched him come off the mound after the 6th, and he tipped his hat and my first thought was, “Is that sarcastic?” He was fine yesterday, but not Hat Tipping Fine.

Luisangel Acuña – 0-for-3 as he was recalled. If Ronald is Tildaddy, Luisangel is Tilhe’stradedthere’snoroomtoplay. Or Tilhe’straded for short.

David Peterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. A Man Da. Peterson beating the O’s like they’re Ronald Miller when he was still a nerd. Streamonator also liked this start, and I’d be careful with Peterson, as his stats are a little meh.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Fun the Jewels! Fun the Jewels fast! Fun the Jewels strong!

Manny Machado – 3-for-5 and his 16th homer, hitting .291. Macho, macho Machado!

Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.94. For what it’s Wuertz, I don’t ignore starts in the roundup. If a guy is excellent and pitches meh, then there’s not much to say and if a guy is bad and pitches bad, there’s not much to say. With that said, EdRod is bad. Randy Vazquez (4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.80) is bad.

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .231. Sad how far he’s fallen in one year. A drop-off for a hitter only Michael Harris II can truly appreciate.

Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .230, but around .330 in July and [eyeballing it] I want to say around .250 since April. Not bad at all (if I squinted and added up in my head anywhere remotely correct).

Zach Neto – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .273. On pace for a 25/25 season, and he missed three weeks of the season. Not too shabby!

Tyler Soderstrom – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. Soder Pop Popinski!

Nick Kurtz – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .246. I want to draft Kurtz for 2026 already.

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. After the game in SacTown, Profar said, “Bing Bong Stadium is better than taking PEDs. Balls be binging and/or bonging.”

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, his 2nd homer since May 4th. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–breathe, Grey! God damn it! We’re losing him!–HAHAHAHAHAHAHA–I keel over, bye-bye.

Spencer Strider – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Ya know what’s kinda interesting (not really)? Strider lost 2024 to surgery, but what was his ERA in 2023? Surely, it was below 3.00, right? It was 3.86 and don’t call me Shirley.

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer in two games, and locked and loaded for the Home Run Derby, where I’m sure he’ll ruin his swing and become Grounder Henderson on the other side of the break because I can’t have nice things.

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but, if he’s available, I like the flyer for speed and a bit of power and maybe average and maybe runs and maybe, well, you know.

Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.60 vs. Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.12. This was a matchup of two guys who seem very interesting in theory, then you get them on your team and you’re like, “I should’ve named my fantasy team, In Theory.”

Bryan Baker – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.12, as the O’s traded him to the Rays for draft picks. “O’s are building a minor league dynasty that will be the envy of teams for years to come” — someone in 2021. Of course the O’s are selling; they came into the season with Charlie Morton as their number two, but still, they seemed like a team with so much promise. All wasted away now like sands in an hourglass, so are the days of our lives.