Around six months ago, your mother left us in the middle of the night with nothing but each other and our drafted fantasy teams.  I tried to make you French toast as you stood on a stool and watched, but we got egg shell in the batter and you cried about drafting Brad Miller.  I was trying to do work one night, looking for a middle infield replacement as you played with your toy airplanes and — crash! — you spilled your milk all over my fantasy team.  I screamed, you cried and Prince Fielder hurt his neck.  Then your mother reappeared and began a custody battle to take over our teams right as Wilin Rosario seemingly lost his job.  It was the Fourth of July, and no one was available, but I frantically searched for a replacement catcher with a job.  If your mother’s attorney got wind that we couldn’t even manage to have a catcher with a job, we’d lose our teams forever.  With a last ditch effort, we grabbed Yan Gomes off waivers, and another crisis seemed averted.  It wasn’t all smooth sailing the final stretch, like when you fell off the jungle gym, and I carried your through Central Park screaming, “We have to replace David Wright and Alex Rios!”  But you just needed a few stitches and Xander Bogaerts with 3rd base eligibility and a hot schmotato for the outfield.  The final test was making French toast again and seeing how well you adapted to finally cutting the cord on Jay Bruce.  We did it, seemingly conquering a mountain, just the two of us, but due to a hot week from Ryan Rua we lost in the H2H playoffs.  As you packed up your stuff to leave, we sat on the couch in silence.  The weight of the summer on our minds when you turned to me and said, “What do you think about Dallas Keuchel for 2015?”  Today, we close our fantasy baseball team window for the first time in six months.  Of course, you can never remove those teams from your mind’s eye because you turned off your computer’s screensaver months ago and your team is burned into your monitor screen.  Last year, Henderson Alvarez pitched a no hitter on the last game of the season, and this year he pitched against Jordan Zimmermann, who returned the favor with his own no hitter, with the help of an incredible, diving catch from Stephen Souza.  Of course, a guy named after a composer known for patriotic marches secures it for the Nationals.  In a season that saw seemingly every pitcher have a sub-3.50 ERA this was about as apt of a way to close out a season as any.  As Bud Selig doffs his toupee, bidding baseball adieu, let us bid this season adieu too (almost stutterer!) and say hello to the offseason.  Seriously, what about Dallas Keuchel for next year?!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ian Desmond – 1-for-2 and his 24th homer.  Another year for Desmond, another year at the top of the Player Rater for shortstops.  That’s now two straight years.  The most unheralded fantasy player of our generation?  If you don’t think so, then randomly text a buddy and ask him Desmond or Tulo for next year.  Preferably a buddy that knows fantasy baseball otherwise, he’ll think you misspelled Desmond Tutu.

Masahiro Tanaka – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  So, what does that mean for his chances to avoid Tommy John surgery?  Are the Yankees going to send him to the Arizona Fall League so he can get a few more starts until it seems like he doesn’t need surgery again?  Are they going to just wrap his elbow with duct tape and hope for the best?  I got questions, y’all!  One thing I don’t have, any inclination in owning Tanaka next year.

Derek Jeter – 1-for-2, 1 RBI as he played DH in his final game.  Not playing shortstop in Fenway for the final series is the same as the argument that oral sex isn’t cheating.  You still played, you may as well slept with her.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hit .341 to lead the major leagues.  At first, Altuve wasn’t going to start the game since the batting title was on the line, but then people took to Twitter and called him half a man for sitting to preserve his batting title, and he doesn’t like being called accurate names, so he played.  If only everyone took to Twitter and asked Justin Bieber to stop making music.

Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 30th homer.  Wet Tail!  One small note on Wet Tail, he was only one of three NL hitters to get 30 homers.  The entire Padres team only hit 28 homers.  My other note on this game was the Astros and Mets played each other in the final weekend series because the MLB scheduler thought the Astros were still an NL team.  No one really expected either team to be in the playoff picture, but what a slap in the face to their fans.  The Yanks fans get their hated rival Red Sox, and Mets fans get a team in the AL West.

Ben Revere – 1-for-4 and his 49th steal, ending the year with .306.  He’s just happy to be able to go to the playoffs with the Nationals with the assistance of a badly-drawn-on mustache.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer.  Schoop Schoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie Doo we will see you again in December when I start rolling out my sleepers.

David Price – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ending with a 3.26 ERA as the Tigers won the AL Central.  Fun Fact!  The AL Central was originally named as a homage to Al Molinaro.  By the by, Al Molinaro has cost more savvy gamblers money in “Alive or Dead?” than any celebrities outside of Abe Vigoda.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer.  What a perfect way to end a season since I don’t plan on owning him again.  I feel like I dodged some kind of bullet by having Kinsler for a whole healthy season, and, if I drafted him again, I’d just be pressing my luck.  No whammy, no whammy, no whammy…Stop!  Ooh, whammy, Kinsler’s injured in April 2015.

Kris Negron – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Due to the silent 2nd N in Negron, he is Marge Schott’s Ghost’s favorite player.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ending the year with 20 wins and a 2.25 ERA.  Hopefully his maid of honor speech is short at the Cy Young award ceremony.  That will be Kershaw’s day, not Cueto’s day to start crying and talking about the time they went to Cancun.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA ending at 3.65.  Damn, just when you thought it was going to be easy to write him off this offseason, he goes and does this.  Honestly, I have no idea which way I’m going with Cole yet for 2015.  Could see myself pouring over his numbers and realizing he should be a top 20 starter or not even in the top 40 starters.

Neil Walker – 2-for-4 and his 23rd homer.  “Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is.  Black and yellow (repeat four times).”  Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.  I was just singing my team’s playoff song that is old, but will be played numerous times this offseason by Fox like it’s new.  Yeah, I’m bandwagoning for the Pirates.  Whatevs.  Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is.  Black and yellow (repeat four times).

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  You know what the difference is between dirty socks and White Sox?  Semien.

Paul Konerko – 0-for-3 as he played the final game of his career.  Before he exited, he wrote the names of his children in the infield dirt.  In related news, some teenager got lucky yesterday on the infield dirt while his girlfriend thought of Jeter.

Sonny Gray – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ending the year with a 3.08 ERA.  Talk about having mixed emotions.  In the preseason, I bet on the Mariners to win the World Series, and Felix Hernandez was throwing a gem elsewhere (5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunners, 7 Ks, ending the year with a 2.14 ERA), and if the M’s won and A’s lost the Mariners would’ve had a chance for the playoffs.  This was like when you promised to take your kid’s Little League team out for ice cream if they won, and you didn’t want to spend $75 on ice cream, so you were secretly pulling for the other team that looked like a bunch of eleven-year-old ex-cons.  Oh, well, I guess Carvel is on me.  Thanks, Sonny!

Josh Collmenter – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA ending at 3.46.  Not bad if you were able to handle all of Collmenter’s catcher questions.

Miguel Gonzalez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ending the year with a 3.23 ERA.  That’s an under 3.25 ERA for a guy who I’m not sure ever was owned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues all year.  Men and four girl readers (let’s be honest though, one or two of you ladies are probably a little manly), no offense.

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ending the year with a 2.87 ERA.  Rudy will be along in the coming days with a ranking of all major sites’ preseason rankings.  Let’s just say yours truly and his love of The Tampa Bay Peach didn’t do that shabby.  *blows air on knuckles, rubs knuckles on shirt, sees I just rubbed tomato sauce on my shirt*  Dah!

Buster Posey – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, ending the season with a .311 average.  Prepare yourself to see Posey in the top 20 overall next year at just about every site, except this one.

Wilin Rosario – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer.  If September were the first month of the season, and if the season didn’t end until March, Rosario would have a great year!  And if “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts, we’d all be diabetic squirrels.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer.  Ended the season as a top 15 outfielder on our Player Rater.  Hopefully that translates to a better Kardashian this offseason.

Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer.  He was pulled early from yesterday’s game by Don Uribe, who acted as the manager.  Meanwhile, Juan Mattingly swung for the fences and hit a slow dribbler to shortstop.  This reminded me of an omelet my friend had this weekend.  It was supposed to be with wild mushrooms, and instead it was just an omelet gone wild.  Food porn.

Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Ryan Braun – 0-for-3.  Will have thumb surgery on Thursday.  He will be having a cryotherapy procedure, which is the freezing of damaged tissue, and it has never been performed on a thumb before.  This freezing process was last used successively on Larry King in the late 90’s moments before he passed in his sleep.  There’s no timetable for Braun’s recovery since this is uncharted waters.  Best case scenario, he’s fine for spring training.  Worst case scenario, his thumb can no longer move and never realizes its dream of playing a part in a Thumb Wars prequel.

 
  1. Pun says:
    (link)

    Thanks for another great season Grey, Rudy, and Team!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Pun: No problem, any relation to Big Pun?

      • Game of Throws says:
        (link)

        Thanks Grey and Mike for the advice all season. Only won 1 out of 3 leagues. But a .333 Avg ain’t bad!

        Quick question after reading your Desmond blurb;

        I can keep 3 guys for next season for my top 3 picks.

        I have Miggy, Altuve for sure.

        Was thinking Edwin or Freeman for the third. But now i’m considering Desmond. His consistency is something to admire and I would have 2b and SS locked up.

        so Ian Desmond over Edwin or Freeman?

  2. Tarman Got Him says:
    (link)

    My big money league

    RD 1: 8-2 VICTORY

    RD 2: 8-2 VICTORY

    Finals 8-2 CHAMPION!!

    Thanks Grey and Razball for another successful Fantasy Baseball season

    2 first place finishes, a 2nd and a fourth!!

    Til next year… Football!! Haha.

  3. ReleasetheMcCracken says:
    (link)

    Kudos on another entertaining season. Looking ahead to next year, 12 team dynasty. My Tyson Ross for his Jorge Soler?

    • Hawk says:
      (link)

      @ReleasetheMcCracken:

      Pitching is DEEEEEEP. Power hitting is NOT DEEEP

      Do it and don’t think twice.

  4. Ante GALIC says:
    (link)

    Grey!

    Thanks again to you and all the gr8 work at razzball.com. Here is my humble homage.

    Mike – You’re the best thing in PA!

    JFOH – thanks for removing my comment on the ‘best team names’ because they weren’t cool or part of a legitimate RCL. You were justified they were lame.

    Rudy – For all the gr8 applications, hitter-tron, streamonator etc. Really hi-tech!

    JB – Your in-depth articles were easily the best thing that I read here after Grey’s shizz, of course. Prepare your runner-up speech, just like Johnny Cueto.

    Grey, a quick joke!

    Robin Ventura: ‘Hey, Semien! Nice HR in a meaningless loss for us. There’s always next year. What’s the difference between having a girlfriend and a wife?’

    Semien: ‘Hah? Don’t no coach. Please enlighten me.’

    Robin Ventura: ‘Spit and swallow, Semien.’

    That’s it, JeF!

    Grey, was really inspired everything on the site. What I liked most.

    1. The Friday where we showed our real face.

    2. The fact that you never once unintentionally misspelled a players name. It was really useful and I believe strongly educational because we were forced (by osmosis) to really learn about so many players – the good, the bad and the weird.

    3. The in-depth analysis and utility of all your completely objective opinions or at least backed by some substance except the proverbial ‘goin’ with my gut feeling’ seen elsewhere.

    4. For objectively being the best site from all sites seen on fantasyrundown.com. I guess, special thanks to fantasyrundown.com for being my source to finding this site.

    Will be in and out to see what’s up, especially your take on the MLB awards – golden glove, MVP, Cy, Silver slugger etc.

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Ante GALIC: Ha, nice! 1. Cool 2. I tried not to 3. I tried to! 4. Thanks!

  5. Nimrod says:
    (link)

    Thanks to you Grey and your staff. Your blogs where the first thing I read each morning. I took 2nd place in a big money league with 99 points in an eleven category league thinking 93 or 94 would win it. I know each team had injuries and under achievers but my 3 big where Fielder, Votto and Bruce.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Nimrod: No problem, sorry you didn’t win…

  6. MattH says:
    (link)

    Grey, awesome job all year. Lot’s of success thanks to you and the Razzball staff.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @MattH: No problem!

  7. JP says:
    (link)

    Thanks to everyone at the site for a great year. Won 3 of my 4 leagues, and finished second but lost in the 1st round of the playoffs in the other. Unfortunately I don’t have the balls (or dollars) to play in a money league. Couldn’t have done it without you.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @JP: No problem, hopefully you take all 4 next year…

  8. Curt says:
    (link)

    Won my league by a dominant margin, big reason was your early love for Puljols, whom I got with the 47th pick, thanks Big Guy………

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Curt: Very nice!

  9. Matt says:
    (link)

    Awesome reads all year, you guys are the best! Ended up winning my money 15-man roto league, thanks for all the advice!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Matt: No problem, well played!

  10. Dirtyd says:
    (link)

    Thanks Razzball! Great stuff all year!

  11. JeF With 1 F says:
    (link)

    FACT OF THE DAY:
    I know you weren’t talking about me in your open because I WON! Im moist with champagne from last night and had to dump gatorade on you to get your drunk ass up off of my front lawn.
    On the Realz though, thanks for all the info and all of the laughs and i look forward to your first middle infield post of the off season.

  12. Swfcdan says:
    (link)

    Not my year this year, finished 4th in both my money leagues (hey at least I get my money back for one!). Mainly down to bad drafting and guy that didnt work out.

    Have some great cheap keepers though now like Mookie, Vordano, Rendon, Stroman amongst others, so ill be out to get them back next year! Thanks for your usual awesome (unpaid) job you do.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Swfcdan: No problem, we’ll get em next year!

  13. Awesome Auger says:
    (link)

    One league had a 3 way tie for first (me and two others)… never seen anything like that before… crazy!

    Thanks for all the advice Grey… I know it’s a TON of work to do these write ups day after day, but it’s very much appreciated. Enjoy your down time… I’ll be here obsessively hitting refresh hoping for the 2015 rankings to show up.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Awesome Auger: Ha, no problem… That is crazy for a three-way tie… Was it a money league?

      • Awesome Auger says:
        (link)

        @Grey:

        Yea not huge money… $50 a piece so we’ll each take home $200. I was watching yesterday and we kept jumping 1st to 3rd all separated by a point or less.

        I’m a little nervous though… stattracker showed me in 3rd yesterday but apparently there was an adjustment that gave me a pt and took one away from the first place guy. We’ll see how it shakes out though.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
          (link)

          Ah, well, hopefully you won it!

  14. Bob says:
    (link)

    Thanks guys. Wrapped up my championship with so much info and help from you guys!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Bob: No problem, congrats!

  15. Marty Jannetty_Was Set Up says:
    (link)

    Thanks again for a great Season Grey! I went 3 for 3 in fantasy baseball and the guy who finished 2nd in my head to head league couldn’t believe my epic run from the All Star break. “You’re so lucky, who the hell trades Yu Darvish and Choo the week before they go in the toilet?” That trade netted me McCutchen btw.

    I grabbed Carlos Santana and Zimmerman on waivers when they were sucking, and streamed Duda and Lind at 1B in the aftermath of the Prince Fielder debacle.

    I’ll be singing the praises of Razzball all summer. Maybe even design a T Shirt of a cartoon Grey urinating on Matthew Berry. You da man brothah!

      • Teddy Heater says:
        (link)

        @Grey: I third the shirt! (I might take 4 and let my dogs where them for our Xmas picture)

        • Grey

          Grey says:
          (link)

          Ha! I’ll send that out as my Xmas card too!

          • Teddy Heater says:
            (link)

            @Grey: Wow, I wrote “where” instead of “Wear” Still recovering from the NY & Boston trip! So now we just need Nick to lay the Razzball Anthem and Marty Jannetty (Great Name BTW) to get us some shirts and we’ve got more season stuff to talk about!

            • Grey

              Grey says:
              (link)

              Haha… Who was Fenway?

              • Teddy Heater says:
                (link)

                @Grey: It was really cool, it’s almost a religious experience walking in there for the first time, regardless of being a Yankees fan. A bunch of my friends are Red Sox fans and my sister lives out there so I’ve not a Sox hater (heck we get all their guys anyways after their 35) We were 5 rows up from home plate (a little disappointed Jeter didn’t pinch hit in the 8th or 9th as everyone was chanting his name) but all in all an Amazing Trip,

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
                  (link)

                  Yeah, it’s a great park, I used to live two blocks away when I was in school and walk over… What day were you there?

                  • Teddy Heater says:
                    (link)

                    @Grey: Nice, we went to the game Friday night and then went back in on Saturday to the stadium (my sister is in Chelsea) to watch the game at a few different bars to get the full experience.

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
                      (link)

                      Sweet! Which bars? (I think they’ve all changed hands, but maybe I might have a reminiscing moment…)

                  • Teddy Heater says:
                    (link)

                    @Grey: Bleacher Bar And Clask’ n Flangon. Lots of fun, Red Sox fans were really cool, not sure if it’s because we’re both out of the playoffs.

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
                      (link)

                      Ah, yeah, the Cask n Flangon! Wow, that’s a throw back… Crazy it’s still there, but I guess it’s an institution… Jillian’s had taken over all of Lansdowne last time I was there…

                  • Teddy Heater says:
                    (link)

                    @Grey: I really want to go and sit on the Green Monster so I think I’ll go out next year take the wife this time so she can have the experience

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
                      (link)

                      Those seats weren’t even there when I was in Boston (dating myself? Yup!)…. I’d love to sit up there too, and I’m scared of heights…

                  • Teddy Heater says:
                    (link)

                    @Grey: I like speed a lot more than heights, but I think that I’d be ok (especially since no one’s fell off of it as yet) I did get to high five Wally right when I walked in, I wanted a pic with him but he was running somewhere.

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
                      (link)

                      Wally seems like the Poochie of mascots… Feels really forced….

  16. Can’t believe its over already. Thanks for all the laughs and insight Grey and Crew!

  17. papasmurf says:
    (link)

    Thank you Grey and staff for another razztastic year!

    The Smurfs are celebrating their first championship since ’09 with a stellar 176.5 pts out of 192 (maximum) performance. Entered Sep in a virtual 3way tie for first but won by 13 pts as schmatoes stepped up for me as I lost Stanton and punted Moss.

    Feeling exhausted though lol. Got up at 5 yesterday to be best smurf in friend’s wedding and had to attend another farewell dinner afterwards. Feels symbolic for a long baseball year.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @papasmurf: Papa Smurf! Nice work, good to see you win finally!

  18. Yescheese says:
    (link)

    Thanks for a great season Grey, Rudy and friends

  19. Gus Pike says:
    (link)

    Thanks for a great year guys. Finished 2nd by 0.5 points, losing on the last day of the season. But still, a great year and it would not be nearly as much fun if I didn’t have this site to read every morning. Props to you all!