It’s nice to have a breather now and then. To kick back and relax, enjoy some time with your family and re-energize for the final home stretch of the baseball season. Of course, I’m talking about myself seeing as the All-Star break just happened and I didn’t write a post last week to do DraftKings coverage. What, you thought I was doing a send up to the actual ball players? Psssh, they’re finally tuned athletes, they don’t need no stinkin’ rest. Plug them into the wall, let’um recharge overnight and send them back out there, damned prima donnas. But as mentioned, it was nice to get a reprieve from the DK roll that we’ve been rolling on. It reminded me that life is short and that I should do something different than DK baseball. Yeah, something important. SOMETHING THAT COULD CHANGE THE COURSE OF HISTORY. So I wrote about my team for the Scott Fish Bowl over on Razzball Football, of course. Yeah, that’s live right now if you wanna talk to me there while I’m also over here. Bi-posting, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. But for those of you who don’t give a rip about Fantasy Football, let’s get down to brass tacks. Your favorite niece may look pretty in a polka dot dress but my favorite, Jonathon Niese, probably wouldn’t look good in an armani suit. That nose, bro…but of course, what has looked good is starting a left-handed pitcher against the Mariners so far this year. To date, the Mariners have the second lowest team wOBA and wRC+ (.286 and 80, respectively) against southpaws. Not to mention the worst ISO against them on the year at .102. They always say it’s tough to start a pitcher coming back from a DL stint which is true but I think the matchup will hold precedence and Niese will keep the M’s at bay for the day, making him a solid shot as your SP1 despite only being priced out at $7,200. But enough family talk, let’s move on. Here are some other picks and observances for July 21st contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

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So it’s not really the 2nd half mark in the fantasy baseball season, but it’s the All-Star Break so what else are we going to talk about? Hell’s Kitchen? Is it even believable that these people would one day be in charge of a kitchen? There’s Real World castmates who seem like they have their shizz together better than these schmohawks. I like the one guy who burps a lot. He seems ready to run a kitchen! MasterChef, though, that show is the Sistine Chapel of reality shows. Okay, as with all of the other 2014 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt. If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade the outfielder for the 2nd baseman. Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Miggy number three on the top 100 list for the second half of 2014 and he could get in a fight with a bartender (not Tom Wilhelmsen) tomorrow, then he wouldn’t be number one. See how that works. This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache. This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half of their season. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Carlos Santana did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because I still believe. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2014. I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what guys will do. Welcome to the future! Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2014:

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Now that I’m married Jimmy Carter’s line, “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.” Really stands out to me. I don’t necessarily want to think about Jimmy Carter in lust, or even contemplating lust. The thing he doesn’t say is if he wasn’t married, he’d be lusting too. Men are men, and Jimmy Carter is no different. Jimmy Carter is one tightly wound ball of lust, and probably hooked Clinton up with Lewinsky. Jimmy Carter is a pimp! If Jimmy Carter was president in the 2000′s, he probably would’ve had Outkast to the White House and would’ve been like, “What’s colder than our relations with the Middle East? Ice cold!” In that similar vein, I lust after rookie pitchers. They are so dang sexy prior to actually pitching in the major leagues. Jimmy Nelson is just another. I like him a lot, and glad to see Marco Estrada was replaced by him. From Nelson, could see a 9+ K/9 and a middling walk rate. Due to the walk rate, that has ballooned at times, he could be absolute death — like games of 5 IP, 6 ER death. He could also run over the NL with games of 6 IP, 8 Ks. I’d grab him in all leagues for the upside, but be wary of the downside. As Jimmy Carter also once said, “You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can. Speaking of can, that’s where I like to stick my peanuts. I said PEANUTS!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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While you’re taking time from your family to read this on this beautiful Fourth of July, I just want to say a few quick thank yous. *intern whispers in my ear* I’m told Thanksgiving is the time for that thanking people crap and the 4th of July is for hot dogs, red, white and blue Jell-o shots and almost losing a finger when a fuse goes off prematurely — that’s what she said! Huh? You know what’s more apple pie (appley-er?) than the 4th of July? A guy that was once lost in the abyss of self-despair and Fruit Loops making good– Wait that’s the intro for Celebrity Fit Club. Okay, better than apple pie is a guy that looks like a stick figure and pitches like Adrian Adonis (in his heyday, obviously), and going into Coors and taming the mountain better than the Red Viper. Zack Greinke threw 8 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners and 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. His peripherals aren’t much worse either — 9.6 K/9, 1.8 BB/9 and a 2.72 xFIP. He’s pretty much a top five pitcher. So, on today, when we celebrate flashes of color in the sky and a bunch of drunk white guys signing parchment 238 years ago, let’s raise our fruity, rum-filled concoction and toast Greinke. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“You have a really nice pitcher here. How much did you pay for him?”

“Well, actually, that’s none of your business, Christie. But I can assure you…he certainly wasn’t cheap.”

The main character from the movie quoted above is almost as scary as the two-headed monster of Clayton Kershaw ($13,100) and Felix Hernandez ($12,500) scheduled to take the mound today. Obviously you can’t go wrong with either ace but they will both cost a small fortune for their services. If I had to choose between the two, which I’m sure is the case for most DFS players today, I would drop the extra $600 on Kershaw. The Cardinals are in the bottom third of MLB in wRC+ against left-handed pitching, while Hernandez’s opponent (Cleveland) is actually T-1st in the majors against righties (115 wRC+). Again, both are as crisp as a bone business card with Silian Rail lettering, I just like the match-up for Kershaw a little more.

If you are new to DraftKings, use our promo link to get started. New players that click on that link will get a free contest ticket with a first time deposit (only new users eligible). The winner of the contest gets entry into our $500k Showcase with a $100k top prize. Also, if you haven’t tried the DFSBot via Rudy, check it out: it compares projected values to actual DFS prices for the day. Here are some other picks for DraftKings contests on 6/29/2014…

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Rock and Roll.  Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley and and Little Richard got it going.  Elvis made it sexy.  The Beatles made it ok to admit you liked it.  Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd made it hallucinogenic.  The Stones and Aerosmith kept it alive.  Motley Crue and Skid Row made it pretty and disgusting.  Then Sean Combs, alias TBD, got the idea to sample all of it–to middling results.  And other dudes annihilated it.  Thanks Nickelback and Creed and Puddle of Mudd and Dookie and the Bunghole Fish.  No really, thank you!  Cuz now it’s far more exciting to concern ourselves with sports, fantasy sports, boob jobs and bacon creations.  Drinking is now an acceptable way to pass the day as long as you’re tweeting about it.

We all want instant gratification now and that’s at the sacrifice of actually taking two full years to make a great album or more than a day to create a great riff.  The tradeoff is that we have 61 food options that take less than 10 minutes to get from synapse to taste buds.  We have television that is on demand which is now dwindling in the light of streaming media.  Kissing on the first date used to be taboo.  Now dating on the first sex is the standard.  Man this is good.  Essentially, Razzball has to thank all of the crappy bands of the 2000s for much of our success!  That and Grey and Rudy…  Fantasy sports have become as popular as the real thing.  Not to be outdone by (as your mother would call it) the daily fantasy.  You can have a new one every day.  DRAFTKINGS!!!  You can hump tomorrow (it’s Wednesday) but today you’re gonna DraftKings!!!  And if you’re gonna partake, don’t forget the DFS porn.  We won’t make you work or pay for your info or your winnings.  We got Steam-O-Nator, HitterTron and DFSBot to wet your whistle.  Tools of the trade, ya’ll.

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When Jaime Garcia was a kicker in high school for his Flick Football team, he lined up the paper football, just left of the finger uprights across from him, adjusting for the southwesterly wind coming from a student’s handheld fan. Like it was happening in slow motion, he flicked hard, the paper sailed through, poking the kid’s eye that was holding the finger uprights. Unfortunately, Garcia also pulled a finger tendon and had to watch from the sidelines the rest of the year as his team marched to the playoffs. Ever since then, he’s never been able to shake the injury bug, and yesterday he hit the DL with a shoulder injury. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the Fantasy Baseball Overlord’s hunger for ruining pitchers’ arms didn’t stop at Garcia, and Michael Wacha is out with a shoulder injury too. Wacha, Wacha, f**ka! Wacha has a stress reaction on his shoulder, and the Cards are saying no surgery is required, but his fantasy owners may still want to make a Kenesaw Mountain Landis out of Doritos and pray to it. The good news, Carlos Martinez will now be in the rotation for at least another month. He went 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks yesterday, and I’d grab him in most leagues now that he’s staying in the rotation. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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The Royals are Daddy Rich from Car Wash or Max Scherzer owed Verlander a favor. “Hey, Scherzer, do me a solid and do a solid on the mound so my Monday start doesn’t look so bad. You feel me? If you do, I got a Ms. Upton to feel you.” Little did Scherzer know that Verlander wasn’t talking about Kate Upton, but about Justin and B.J.’s sister, Misshapen. “Misshapen, your legs are so curvaceous they remind me of the coastline of Africa.” Or maybe Verlander is just spreading something around the clubhouse. Anibal, you better not touch him or I will know it! Scherzer only lost once all of last year at home, which is slightly misleading like I’m saying he is that much better at home. He only lost twice on the road last year and his ERA on the road was almost a run and half lower. Yesterday, it all went to pot — Lincecum, “That’s where I want to go!” — as Scherzer gave up 10 runs in four innings. Leyland was right. Pitchers are like barbecuing pork. You need a lot of indirect smoke to tender up their shoulder and get ‘em right. If this allows a buying opportunity on Scherzer, unlike Verlander, I do think this was a hiccup rather than a long, extended burp. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Growing up one of my favorite films was Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The movie has everything; boat chases; hot Austrian scholars turned Nazi’s, Sean Connery, Knights, the Holy Grail and one of the greatest scenes in movie history. If you haven’t seen it *spoiler alert*,(actually can you give a spoiler alert if a movie is 25 years old?) in one of the last scenes of the movie Indy has to go through a series of booby traps and make choices on how to conquer them based on his knowledge of Jesus. BT-dubs doesn’t booby traps seem like it could be Justin Verlander’s current issue? Maybe he’s trapped by the power of Kate Upton’s assets and spends most road trips locked in his hotel room getting to second base? Anyyyyy way where was I? Oh yeah the booby traps! After making his way through the obstacles Indy ends up in an old dusty room at the back of a cave guarded by one of a collection of Knights whose sole duty is to protect the Grail. In order for Indiana to get access to the Grail and save the day he must choose between bevies of gaudy cups and find the true Grail. At this moment the Knight urges him to choose wisely! If you haven’t seen it watch the clip here. Either way where I’m going with this is we are presented with a far less dramatic choice every day when playing daily fantasy games on DraftKings. There are several approaches and strategies and someone is lying if they tell you they approach each day’s games the same as the day before. Sometimes you’re better off investing in hitting, and other times you’re better off splashing the dollars on arms. No one approach holds true every day. For example for today’s early games the pitching options are limited to say the least and I couldn’t blame you for going cheap on pitching and spending on hitting. The night games are slightly better with Stephen Strasburg, Garrett Richards, and Shelby Miller all seeming like solid plays.

Speaking of choosing wisely, you can start your day of good choices off by playing DraftKings with us. In fact if you haven’t played DraftKings before you can play for free by signing up here. For all newbies and experienced players alike, I will post a link in the comments to play with me and some of the other Razzball writers in a league. Without further ado below are the Razzball picks for Saturday June 14th.

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To all you dads out there, I salute you. You’re raising your families, keeping your wives happy and you’ve got a holiday dedicated to you and what are you gonna get from it? Socks? Maybe a few nice ties? At best, you’re hoping for some quiet Sunday time to yourself. Maybe you’ll go play golf but you’re probably not getting what March 14th is supposed to bring, I’m assuming. The definition of Rage Quit should have an addendum attached specifically marked for Father’s Day and all the tripe that goes with it from what I’ve heard. My heart goes out to you. So in lieu of knowing you’re gonna get some weird smelling Eau de toilette in your little basket of daddy goodies, I figured I’d have you open my gift first. Sure, it actually probably smells worse than what you’ll get on Sunday but I can assure you this new fresh scent from Flushing, Bartolo Colon, will leave you irresistible to the ladies. Ok, I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna smell real bad. I mean, seriously, a cologne that smells like Bartolo? Have you seen this man? I’m not even gonna quote it, I’m just gonna link to it. But you wanna know what all the ladies can’t resist? The fat stacks he’ll earn you over on DraftKings since he’s only $7,300 on the day and gets the Padres. Not sure why that’s a good thing? Well let me enlighten you. The Pads have the worst team road wOBA in the MLB. Heck, they have the worst team wOBA period. And the even bestier part? They strike out at a 22.8% clip as a team as well. That’s 5th best – if by best we mean worst – in the league. I’m not one for guessing end lines for games but if Big Bartolo Colon doesn’t go 7 IP with at least 6 K and max 2 runs, I’m gonna be extremely disappointed and surprised. He’s priced right to help you succeed today, Razzballians. So spritz on some Bartolo and let the smell of success singe your nostrils. No wait, that’s just the Bartolo smell. You might need an oatmeal bath to get that off to be honest so my apologies. To make up for this, I’ll show you an image that will probably make the HOF even if Bartolo doesn’t…but you gotta click the read more to get it! So roll on to see the pic and more Razzball picks for Friday DK contests for 2014 Fantasy baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?