Fantasy Baseball Advice

I watched Mat Latos yesterday.   Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts).  I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible.  He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran.  Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one.  Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff.  Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk?  Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand?  Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning?  How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners?  Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer?  Why are you making me wrack my brain?  And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?!  Latos gets the Giants next.  If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser.  Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers!  Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining.  This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest.  It’s pretty terrible news.  Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right.  Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats.   (Wanna hear something that says so much?  I added yawnstipating to my computer dictionary.  It’s right there in my virtual dictionary next to dork.)

Justin Upton – Where is thumbkin?  Back from the MRI to say Upton needs a few days of rest with a bone bruise on his thumb.  He did get into yesterday’s game as a pinch runner.  Would be just wonderful if he had to slide head first.  Hope Kirk Gibson didn’t slo-mo arm pump that in-game move.

A.J. Pollock – 0-for-3 with a caught stealing.  How many players does it take to fill-in Krispie’s roster spot?  One Pollock.  He has good speed (36 SBs last year in the minors), but it’s not clear how much he’ll actually play.  Might just be a bat for a few days until Justin’s thumb stops being Upton no good.

Brett Gardner – To the DL with a strained elbow.  Huh?  What’s he running on his hands like Encino Man?  You don’t need an elbow to bunt and run.  Put your elbow in a sling and call it macaroni!  This kills my RCL team (well, Krispie’s loss kinda hurt that too), but how is there only one DL spot in the RCLs?  What were we thinking?  Guys (and 4 girls), talk some sense into me Charlotte sometimes, would cha please?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Starts like these in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is the reason why I told people to not draft him.

Lance Berkman – Puma reaggravated his calf injury and might hit the DL.  Coincidentally, my Cougar’s out for a day or two with shingles.

Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  That’s 5 homers and 3 steals.  Maybe he’s this year’s old player who comes out of nowhere and has a renaissance year.  How do we not have a term for this in the glossary?  Please suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

Brad Lidge – Davey Johnson revealed that Lidge suffers from vertigo.  Still waiting for Davey to choose a closer, or more accurately, to explain The Trouble With Henry.

Ivan Rodriguez – Announced his retirement.  Let’s remember the days when his nickname Pudge wasn’t ironic due to the banning of illegal substances that caused him to lose all muscle mass.  Pour some andro out for him.

Cliff Lee – 10 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like a ten inning game is more rare than a no hitter. (I probably could find out if that was true at the ol’ Google.)  Through 10 innings, he threw 102 pitches and 81 of those were strikes.  Let’s just say, The Adverb was more than suffixient.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Lincecum who?

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Bartolo Colon who?

Brian Wilson – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today.  They’re still evaluating whether they hairnet his beard or if they have to shave it.  If they shave it, the surgery is due to end on Sunday and the homeless family of Lilliputians will need to be relocated.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Walks really got him in this game…and the hits…and the runs…and the lack of Ks.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he pitched a gem.  Why wouldn’t he?!  Why would I want this kind of start from Latos?!  I must be crazy!  Yeah, still a little annoyed at Latos.  And another thing, if Latos didn’t seem so detestable of a personality, I might be able to let it go!

Joel Hanrahan – Tweaked his Hanrahammy.  Should be good to go by the weekend.  In his place…

Juan Cruz – Guess who has more saves than Jordan Walden and Heath Bell combined?  I grabbed Cruz in one league, then dropped him when I had to fill in for Gardner.  Cruz may not see another save all year.  If you’re very desperate, then specloselate.  (On a related note, I thought of what we can call a top closer’s set-up man, a side salad.)

Grady Sizemore – Cleared for baseball activities.  He’ll probably pull his groin scratching himself.  I’m only half-punning.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  The Braves are committed to Glass Chipper like Aguilera should be committed for eliminating Jesse Campbell, but Francisco’s a good name to watch in deep leagues in case he can get more playing time.

Jair Jurrjens – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Can the editor who recut Star Wars take Jar-Jar out of the Braves rotation too?

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Still wanna sell him for Skip Schumaker and a bag of Fritos?

Luke Scott – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Member I said last week to pick him up?  Yeah, nothing’s changed yet.

Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with a homer.  If he’s gonna hit, it will be in the first half.  It’s Joyce to wit.

Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers.  Only cussword his fantasy owners are hearing this year is refocused.

Matt Capps – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Could he save a game without giving up a run?  Just a question.

Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Youuuuuuuk, speaking through his agent, said, “Tell Valentine there’s his motivation.  And Sugarhill Gang invented the rap.  So there!”

Lucas Harrell – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Anyone with a rotation spot, you own in NL- or AL-Only leagues, so I grabbed Harrell in an NL-Only league.  Never looked at his stats.  Just grabbed him.  Then he pitched well yesterday for the second time in three starts and I was like, “Hey, this guy’s awesome!  I wanna see his minor league stats.”  So I Googled his name to see his minor league stats, and Googled asked me, “Are you sure you want to see his minor league stats?”  Yes, Google!  Give ‘em to me!  “Oh.”  That was my reaction after seeing his stats.  Um, yeah, I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s alive!  I think.

Omar Infante – Out until Friday with a groin strain.  It happened when he was running away from Hanley carrying a bottle of hair dye.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s batting .074 on the year.  To get results from Alvarez, the Pirates threatened him with a demotion to Triple-A or worse a trade to the Orioles.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should own him.  No, I’m not joking.

A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  When I say hot, you say schmotato.

Doug Fister – Felt renewed discomfort in his abdomen.  For Fister owners, that’s a punch to the gut.

Prince Fielder – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and a steal as Major League Baseball tried to increase offense by moving 2nd base five feet from 1st.

Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and TWO HOMERS?  He had two homers the entire 1st half last year, and two homers the entire 2nd half for four (stutterer!) total.

Michael Cuddyer – Homered then left Wednesday’s game with a bruised toe.  If Cuddyer needs to miss time, guess who gets some time?  No, not Eric Young Jr.  Tyler Colvin.  Could be some pop there.  Keep your eyes peeled in deep leagues.

Juan Nicasio – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’ve seen better starts.  Buehrle, for instance, that was better, but I’d continue to roll with Nicasio in most leagues.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Kinda wish I had Holland instead of Latos right now.  Okay, I’ll let it go.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  I’ve seen some people in the comments ask if they should pick up Kirk.  Don’t cheat, Razzballers.  Ask if you should pick up Nieuwenhuis.  If I gotta spell that shizz, so do you.  And, yeah, you should pick him up.  Kinda like how I’ve been saying that in the last two weeks of Buys.  Yesterday, he hit leadoff.  That probably won’t hold, but Bay’s name is short for Sickbay, as in he hasn’t been good in years, and Duda hasn’t had much zippity, doo or dah recently.

R.A. Dickey – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  More like U.R.A. Dickey.

This one goes out to the guy – one of the three TB fans that can actually be seen at a game – who was holding up the sign ‘Free Russ Canzler!’ last year.  You didn’t see that sign?  Yeah I didn’t either, mainly because it wasn’t there but since I don’t have cable I can’t verify that.  Can someone please tell me why a team that has been in the playoffs for 3 of the last 4 years doesn’t get more people at the actual ballpark without offering a Zimbear?  But back to what I had to say, Canzler was never going to see the light of day in Tampa Bay (How about I just go eat some hay. I could make things out of clay, and lay by the bay…) because he is not good at defense.  But this is a fantasy baseball blog, why should we care about defense?  Good question, hypothetical reader and the answer is simple: The Rays play real baseball against real teams…sorry, you expected more?  Oh, well Canzler has to play somewhere in order to be useful.  Their OF is full, the position he played in AAA is covered by Evan Longoria and they found their DH for the year in Luke Scott.  Also, the Rays are one of the top fielding teams in baseball.  There’s a reason a guy like Casey Kotchman got a shot to start at 1B for them last year and it wasn’t for his bat or his rapier-like wit.  They field a strong defensive ball club and Canzler was anything but a strong defender.  He racked up 13 errors at third base alone in 2011; fine numbers if he were a Milwaukee Brewer, but not for a utility role in TB.

So as the story goes, Canzler was traded to Cleveland in February for two meat pies and a 6 month subscription to Vibe magazine (every word after ‘February’ is still pending verification).  But why should we get excited about a soon to be 26 year old with only five major league plate appearances on his resume?  Sing it with me now:  Opportunity, opportunity, is knockin at your door…sorry, I started doing the jitterbug there for a second.  Russ has a healthy walk rate and has exhibited strong power numbers over the last two years, posting a .279 ISO in AA for the Cubs and a .215 last year in AAA for the Rays.  With a minor league K% rate above 20 percent, he’ll most likely saddle you in a totally non-sexual way with a .260 average.  That’s a’ight, but the ISO is what has me interested and also that I can’t tell you who is going to bat 6th in that lineup.  I can tell you Travis Hafner probably bats 5th when he’s healthy *Snickers*…the laugh, not the candy bar.  Sorry, the last time Hafner played in over 130 games was 2007.  Plus, Grady Sizemore needs a bench friend to swap funny doctor visit stories with over the course of the year.  I also can’t tell you whether Kotchman holds down the job at first all year.  I could go into extreme detail, but let’s just say his average from last year had a lot to do with his ground ball rate and how well that played on Tampa Bay turf.  He won’t be as bad as he was in Seattle but surely not as good as he was for the Rays.  With Lonnie Chisenhall looking more and more like he could use a AAA stint to start the season,  the Indians could use a little pop in their lineup.  Right now, Canzler is unowned basically everywhere — ESPN, Fleaflicker, Yahoo.  If he can get a starting job, he might land in a prime RBI slot.  With enough at-bats, 18 HRs and 90 RBIs is attainable.  Yeah, I know it’s not that exciting, but wait there’s more!  Alright, actually there’s not.  I just always wanted to say that.

When Ike Davis told reporters,”Gag me with a spoon,” red flags were raised.  Why was he talking like he grew up in Reseda?  It wasn’t the dreaded Valley Fever, was it?  Like, oh my god, it might be.  Valley Fever, from what I gathered from Google, WebMD and other non-reliable sources, could knock Davis out a week, two weeks, a month, a year or for his career.  Yes, there’s a lot of space between best and worst case scenario.  Maybe you remember Conor Jackson got Valley Fever and pulled a Kotchman for a year.  The kicker for me is the Mets trainers scare the shizz out of me.  They once diagnosed Casey Stengel with the flu and he had been dead for seven years.  Right now, the Mets are saying it shouldn’t be more than a week for Ike.  I’m not moving him down my rankings yet, but if you’re drafting right now, I’d be very cautious.  Anyway, here’s some more news going on in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Corey Hart – Had knee swelling and went for an MRI.  When the trainer told Ron Roenicke Hart’s issue, he said, “Corey swelling,” and Ron said, “Donna Martin graduates.”  The MRI said (figuratively) Hart needs arthroscopic surgery and will miss the start of the season.  I’d be surprised if we see him at full speed before the third week of April.  Figure, four weeks to recoup and at least one week to go on assignment.  It’s a pretty big blow for Corey Hart and everyone that likes to wear sunglasses at night.

Rickie Weeks – From the Files of “Of Course Rickie Weeks Is Injured” comes a predictable update.  He’s injured.  Maybe if they rename his dossier the files of “Maybe Rickie Weeks Is Healthy,” he might have a fighting chance.

Jesus Montero – Took a foul ball off his mask, inspiring him to turn water into the whine, “Shouldn’t I just be hitting?”  The good news is he was catching.  Hopefully, this is a sign that Montero won’t have to wait long to get catcher eligibility.  I’m guessing with days off and days he just DHs, he’ll need about two to three weeks for 10 games played behind the plate.  The other good news, his punim is fine. 

A.J. Burnett – Broke his orbital bone during a bunting drill.  This is the worst bunting injury since a Set PA over-decorated the seaboard of The Love Boat and bunting fell on Gavin MacLeod during a dress rehearsal and nearly caused a work stoppage.  “We only have Annette Funicello until Friday; get MacLeod back on the set!”  That’s a studio exec in the 70′s.  A.J. is out until at least May.  Probably the nicest thing he’s done to fantasy owners in the past few years, so now no one in their right mind will draft him hoping for a bounce back.

Grady Sizemore – I swear Grady Sizemore’s body is older than Whitman B. Mayo, who played Grady on Sanford and Son, and that actor passed away over ten years ago.  Sizemore’s now out for 12 weeks after undergoing micro-discectomy surgery, which is a surgery performed by a miniaturized Dennis Quaid.

Vladimir Guerrero – It’s being reported that the Marlins are not pursuing Vlad.  Probably for the best.  With his knees, that chase would’ve been a bore.  Instead, the Marlins are pursuing Aaron Rowand.  That could be fun with Rowand’s tendency to run into walls.

Anibal Sanchez – Felt some soreness in his shoulder.  In related news, Grey is holding his breath.

Joel Zumaya – After he has Tommy John surgery performed by Dr. Freeze, he will attempt another comeback.  I’m guessing he’s gonna try to throw with his left arm.

Miguel Cabrera – Booted the first ball he saw at third base.  Frequent commenter, Steve, suggested he try using this glove.  Would allow him to rest between pitches too.

Alex Rios – I think most spring training numbers are meaningless, but one thing to keep an eye on is where people are batting.  Right now, Robin Ventura likes Rios in the three hole.  Giddy up!

Ryan Howard – Had a setback with his surgically-repaired Achilles because of an infection.  Maybe he shouldn’t have tried picking at his wound, yelling “Scabs here” like he was Pauly D.  The Phils are saying this will delay his original May timetable.  I’m beginning to think we should assume we’ll see Howard around the All-Star Break and anything else we get is gravy.  Billy Butler, “Did someone say gravy?”

David Wright – Sitting out the first few games of the spring with ribcage discomfort.  I’m not concerned yet.  Guess what the key word is in that sentence.  Hint:  Starts with a Y ends in a T and it’s got an E in it.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Red Sox are saying he could be back by June.  Red Sox fans are saying, “Is this really who we’re waiting on?  Trade for someone!”

Carl Crawford – Dealing with inflammation of his left wrist.  You know what’s good for that?  Swinging a bat, if you live in opposite world.

Stephen Drew – Will probably miss the start of the regular season.  I’m thinking J.D. and Stephen’s father was Mr. Glass from Unbreakable.

Alfonso Soriano – Said he’s open to batting leadoff.  That’s akin to me telling Jessica Alba I’d be open to having sex with her.

Freddie Freeman – Partially dislocated his kneecap.  Says it should be, um, re-located shortly.  I say look under your thigh.  It’s probably right there.

Giancarlo Stanton – Mike Stanton changed his name to Giancarlo.  Just when you thought Stanton couldn’t get any sexier, he goes and changes his name to The Sexiest Name Alive, according to People Magazine.  If Molière were alive today and not writing a hacky sitcom for The CW, he’d write a play about Giancarlo, the seducer of fantasy baseballers everywhere.

I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  The first tier have some nice flyers that you may drop after a week or so and the other schmohawks in this post are, well, schmohawks.  So all the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  C’mon, let me pinch your cheeks.  I didn’t say your face cheeks.  Hey now!  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

61. Alex Presley – This tier started in the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball post.  This tier goes from here until Mitch Moreland.  I called this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I already went over my Alex Presley fantasy.  I wrote it while suing Supercuts for giving me simply a “great cut.”  2012 Projections:  80/10/60/.270/20

62. Mike Carp -  I sorta mentioned this in the top 60 outfielder post, but a big problem we’re having right now is there are some real interesting upside gambles on some really terrible teams.  Can someone pull a fast one and switch Carp with Trout?  For the job, I propose Tim Salmon.  Most of the schmohawks in this tier look like they Revere, Ben.  At least with Carp, he’s giving you power, though, maybe nothing else.  2012 Projections:  55/21/70/.260/3

63. Chris Heisey – I like Chris Heisey a lot lot.  Maybe too much, since he plays for Dusty Baker who insists on putting the horns to at least one young player.  Heisey is either a righty who can’t hit lefties or a righty who hasn’t been given a fair shake to hit lefties.  I think it’s the former, but if it’s the latter then you could have a nice get with Heisey.  With his K-rates, there’s a very real chance he hits .240, but he could also hit 20 homers and steal 15 bases.  There’s also the whole Ryan Ludwick issue.  But Baker wouldn’t really play him over Heisey, would he?  Um, well, it’s a late flyer.  2012 Projections:  50/17/65/.250/10

64. Dayan Viciedo – Having a hard time seeing past his K-rate and his lack of major league experience, but know someone who isn’t having a hard time with those things?  Bill James.  His projections for Viciedo are 21/3/.275.  Viciedo had a .186 average vs. righties last year, but, as I tell girlfriends, that’s just a small sample size.  He has destroyed minor league pitching and he’s only a Latin 22.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.260/3

65. Michael Brantley – Some crazy speed in the minors, but almost 500 plate appearances last year translated to the majors about as well as French comedy translates here.  He’s like the American League version of Dexter Fowler (or the outfield’s Alcides Escobar, if that works better for you).  Brantley stole 46 bases in Triple-A in 2009.  Don’t make me hire Davey Lopes to coach you.  Just run.  2012 Projections:  60/6/50/.275/20

66. Josh Reddick – I already went over my Josh Reddick fantasy when he was traded. I did it like this, I did it like that. I did it with a Wiffle ball bat. 2012 Projections: 75/15/85/.260/10

67. Jon Jay – There’s been some speculation that The Federalist may not be the starting center fielder for the Cardinals.  La Russa’s Feathered Hair, “Hey, you don’t have me to kick around anymore!  That’s on Matheny.”  Until Allen Craig returns from surgery, Jon Jay should book that job, so there’s no reason to ask, why do the righteous suffer?  2012 Projections:  50/12/40/.280/10

68. Alejandro De Aza – Last year in Triple-A, he had 9 homers, 22 steals and hit .322 in 99 games.  He was also 27 years old.  Sounds Quad-A-ey (which is not a legal word for Words With Friends; I’ve tried).  But, in only 171 plate appearances in the major leagues, he had 4 homers and 12 steals.  That’s 12/30 over the course of a full season.  Too bad they outlawed full seasons after Ripken retired.   Could give De Aza a shot in March and when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop.  Don’t get sad!  Imaginary friends work too!  2012 Projections:  60/7/30/.270/20

69. John Mayberry – Last year, at the age of 27, he finally saw significant time in the major leagues.  He also kept his K-rate fairly manageable.  Maybe he was learning to walk again.  Damn, that Foo Fighters song is annoyingly catchy.  If Clarence were to show Ryan Howard what life would’ve been like without him, John Mayberry may have had a career.  While Ryan Howard is learning to walk again — ugh, so catchy — Mayberry should be starting somewhere.  2012 Projections:  40/18/55/.250/10 in 400 ABs.

70. Jordan Schafer – I almost avoided putting any Astros hitters into any favorable ranking tiers.  Oh, well.  Here’s one, and even if you’re drafting purely on Zimmermania, Jordan Schafer is barely registering above yawnstipating.  Person who just stumbled on Razzball, “Zimmermania?  Yawnstipating?  What is this mustachioed fool talking about?”  Schafer isn’t much more than SAGNOF (Again, huh?!) but he hit as many as 10 homers in Double-A one year so maybe he can do something without the pressure of the pennant race.  (Astros fan, “Oh, just wait until 2028 for us to come on!  Assuming all other major leagues team fall to the Plague of 2027.”)  Dang, two Astros zings in one post.  Hey, one zing for each of their fans.  2012 Projections:  75/5/35/.245/25

71. Mitch Moreland – Was surprised to see he didn’t make my top 20 1st basemen post.  Not sure what I was thinking.  And if I don’t know, who’s gonna?  What I might’ve been thinking was he’s already light on power and this offseason he had wrist surgery, which is not a recipe for more power as the Barefoot Contessa would tell you.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.275/3

72. Angel Pagan – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Span.   I call this tier, “It’s hard for me to tell you to draft these guys, because, if things work out as planned, I won’t.  But one of them might be more valuable than I’m ranking them, and, if you know which one, you’re a witch and that scares me.”  You know what’s weird?  Pagan and Torres seem to always be linked in the rankings.  You’re like, “They’re the same person!”  But they were traded for each other.  How do you figure that?  Weird, right?  Yeah, I’m smart.  2012 Projections:  75/6/40/.280/27

73. Andres Torres – I could tell you to just look 1/8th of an inch above, but that’s lazy talk!  *thinking*  Actually, just look above.  Thanks!  2012 Projections:  70/5/40/.265/24

74. Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare will finally get to start without having to look over his shoulder.  And it’s now in Oakland, which is yet another pitchers’ park that ends in “co.”   Thit!  2012 Projections:  55/15/70/.275/10

75. Martin Prado – Went over Prado’s projections in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

76. Josh Willingham – I can hear someone giving me guff for putting The Other White Meat this low in the rankings, but really he’s the first guy you drop when you want to pick up a hot hitter.  Admit it at least to yourself.  Willingham is the same as every other hot schmotato Luke Scott-Ty Wigginton clone that gets hot for a few weeks.  2012 Projections:  65/22/80/.250/3

77. Jason Kubel – I fought with myself over whether to put Kubel or Willingham first in these rankings.  Finally, I flipped my Morneau voodoo doll and it came up heads, which either meant Willingham should be ranked first or another year of Morneau head trauma.  I’ll let you decide.  2012 Projections:  60/20/75/.260

78. Ben Revere – Span and Revere seem like another two guys that are forever linked.  You say, “Same player!  Move on!”  But how do you explain that they play on the same team?  Still weird!  2012 Projections:  70/1/35/.280/30

79. Denard Span – Again, if I were going to be lazy– Eh, just look above.  2012 Projections:  65/4/55/.280/25

80. Carlos Lee – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “In less than 7 years, these guys will receive just over 5% of the Hall of Fame vote and barely stay on the ballot for one more year.”  Hey, do the Astros a favor, Chuck Lee, and shut em’ down.  2012 Projections:  60/20/80/.265/3

80 1/8. Grady Sizemore – Sizemore is only 29 years old and only three years removed from a 33/38 season.  But, oh, what a three year span that was.  He took naked photos of himself and his career took the exact inverse (inter)course of Kim Kardashian’s.  Turned out Tom Sizemore wasn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem and Grady is starting to show the wear and tear of an 80-year-old man like his first name makes him sound.  With a 28.8% K-rate and 4 steals in the last two years, there’s really no reason to believe in Sizemore, but if you want to believe in miracles.  2012 Projections:  75/17/60/.245/5

80 1/4. Jason Bay – Member the days when Jason Bay was good?  We wore our hair longer then.  Well, you had hair.  We had some laughs!  Crazy times!  2012 Projections:  60/20/65/.250/8

80 what/fraction-is-this? Aubrey Huff – For almost his entire career, he’s alternated between good years and bad years.  If you think that’s a reason why he’s going to be good in 2012, I’ll tell you it’s hooey.  Grey, “It’s hooey.”  See?  2012 Projections:  50/18/65/.255/3

80 1/2. Alfonso Soriano – About three years ago, Soriano turned 47 years old and he just hasn’t looked the same.  “Get outta here you little brats, grandpa’s gotta go limp around the outfield!  Geez, Vlad’s got it so easy with the DH.”  That’s Alfonso in the dugout babysitting Starlin Castro and Geovany Soto.  2012 Projections: 45/18/60/.240/3

80 3/4. Bobby Abreu – He shouldn’t even be ranked.  He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.*  (*That’s my saying, but use it so it catches on.  Your mother at dinner, “What do you think of that Ashton Kutcher?”  You, “He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.”  See?  It’s easy to use.)  2012 Projections:  60/10/65/.250/15

The Indians said this, “We don’t expect Grady Sizemore to play 150 to 160 games like he has in the past.”  At the start of the 2012 season it will be four years the last time he played that many games, so I’m glad they’re being realistic.  They should’ve also said, “We don’t expect him to steal 20 bases.  Hit 20 homers.  Hit for much of an average unless you consider .250 much.  Here’s hoping he takes some more nude pictures of himself and we get Grady’s Ladies buying season tickets again.  Now I’m going back to my game of Words With Friends with Asdrubal.”  If you want to assume Grady’s going to be fully healthy in 2012, something I would not assume, then you should get a line near 80/18/75/.250/5.  Oh my dear deity of your choice, Sizemore has become Torii Hunter with a poor average.  I’d avoid unless he falls very late or goes for cheap.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Psych!  Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell you about this exciting offer our fantasy basketball side of things has going on.  They’re doing commenter leagues and they’re free!  So if you like your athletes seven-plus feet taller than Dustin Pedroia, you go there.  Anyway II, here’s some offseason moves so far:

Ryan Doumit – Heads to Twins.  Recently overheard in the Twins front office, “Morneau and Mauer are sick of having only each other to talk to while on the Disabled List.  We need some injury-prone player to sit between them.”  Doumit fills that slot.  He can also play 1st base, catcher and, for once it doesn’t matter that his last name is German for “Without a Mitt,” as he can see time at DH.  If Doumit can stay healthy, he could be a top ten catcher.  That “if” has its own branch of government that just passed a law that says Doumit can never stay healthy.

Joe Nathan – Signed a two-year deal with the Rangers to be their closer.  For real baseball, I think this is a terrible deal for the Rangers.  Nathan’s 37 years old and, while his K-rate wasn’t bad, he never looked lights-out, except for a stretch through July.  Now you’re throwing him in the heat of Arlington where home runs fly.  Last year his home ERA was 3.04 and his away ERA was 7.50.  I think the Rangers are going to regret this decision.  This is me telling the Rangers that.  For fantasy, his name will make him cost a bit more than I’d want to spend on a closer.  He probably will drift between a Donkeycorn and Brain Freeze for the better part of the year.

Neftali Feliz – Gets his wish, and will finally start for the Rangers.  He’ll begin to transition into a closer that throws six innings a game in the Dominican Winter League, which will give him a leg up on tiring out around August.  His K-rate last year was a huge shambles or Suge Hambles if you roll with rap impresarios who are into spoonerisms.  I’m not sure how a closer could even have a K-rate of 7.80 with Feliz’s stuff.  I’m not just saying that to sound stupid, though it probably doesn’t hurt.  His fastball, curve and change were all the same velocity as previous years.  He added in a slider, but adding that shouldn’t have killed his shizz.  Hitters were just making good contact, or, at least, better contact and not getting as fooled.  His walks also went through the roof.  I mean, 30 walks and 54 Ks in 62 1/3 innings is terrible.  Who are you, Kevin Gregg?  But as we know from Dempster and C.J. Wilson’s transition to being a starter, Feliz is probably going to have the best year of his young career.  I’ll be on the outside looking in though, feels like too much risk to me.  Could see him giving a line of 10-6/3.55/1.20/95 in 120 innings.

Wade LeBlanc – Traded to the Marlins for John Baker.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, John Baker and Wade LeBlanc were the first two players ever traded that also sound like they were in the Backstreet Boys.  Yeah, they didn’t say that.  Like when his friends left Central Perk, LeBlanc just lost all of his value.

Jonathan Broxton – Signed on with the Royals to be their set-up man.  I have the perfect nickname for him now that he’s in Kansas City, the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.  Oh, please, like you’ve never noticed how Broxton has the back porch of a rap video hoochie mama.  This signing sends Aaron Crow into the rotation.  The good news is you’re not the Royals and don’t have to put Aaron Crow in your fantasy rotation.  Yay, small miracles.

Chris Iannetta – Headed to the Angels.  I guess Scioscia felt like he needed to upgrade Jeff Mathis’s backup.  I’m only half joking.  The Angels are supposed to non-tender Mathis, but I wouldn’t put anything past the Sciosciapath.  Also, Hank Conger’s in the wings, i.e., Iannetta won’t get 350 ABs.  Though he never has.

Ramon Hernandez – Going to the Rockies to replace the recently damned Iannetta.  Hernandez will do exactly what he’s done for the last five years.  For those who need a sneaky, solid catcher in 2 catcher leagues, you can do worse.  (Better too, but let’s not quibble.)

Clint Barmes – Signed with the Pirates.  I have nothing to say about this, except Barmes’s deal for $10.5 million was the Pirates first contract for over $10 million since Steve Buechele’s in the 1991-1992 offseason.  The Pirates are committed to winning now!  Black and yellow!

David DeJesus – Will bring his special brand of pretty unexciting baseball from a fantasy perspective to the Chicago Cubs.  He’ll play right field, unless the Cubs can move Alfonso Soriano for five cents on the dollar.  In related news, Alfonso Soriano wants to know who listed him on eBay.  The eBay username is WonEpstein and there’s no reserve price.