Don’t yell at me! I own Carlos Santana and I know how awful he’s been! It makes sense that his name is Carlos Santana, because Carlos Santana looks like Edward James Olmos and the acne scars Olmos has are how deep Carlos Santana’s scarred my fantasy soul. Sometimes I wake at night in a cold sweat, frightened that Carlos Santana has found his way on all of my fantasy teams, only to realize it’s just a dream and I haven’t been sweating. Instead, I peed myself, so I fall back to sleep soundly. So, with that uplifting lead-in to this Buy, what do you sell to get Santana? A herpes blister and hope for a dead cat bounce? Yes, that would seem to be the case. Okay, enough hubbub on the tomfoolery, do I really want you to buy Santana? Yeah, I do. Let’s look at his 1st half vs. 2nd half last year. 1st half: 14 HRs, 37 RBIs, .207 average, 45.8% ground ball rate, and death threats for what he did to fantasy teams. The 2nd half last year: 13 HRs, 48 RBIs, .260 average in 16 less games than the 1st half. His ground balls went way down (not literally!) to 34.2% and his fly balls shot up (literally!). His hard contact went up, his Ks went down, his everything went up. Some thought that his 2nd half last year was a sign he was going to break out in April this year. Yeah, that didn’t happen, but he’s not old and I can’t imagine he’s going to stay this bad all year. This year’s 1st half of 9 HRs, .211, 44.8% GB rate isn’t the end of an era, but maybe about to be the end of his error. Pithy points! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Adam Lind – Here’s a slight problem with telling you to buy Santana. Intro Paragraph, “I thought we were done.” We were, but I just wanted to illustrate something. “I’ve seen you draw, I don’t think illustrating is something you should be doing.” On our Player Rater, Lind has been more valuable than Santana on the year and is available in more than 50% of ESPN leagues. So, you have Lind, but should trade for a guy that’s not as good in Santana? Yeah, that’s a problem. No, I don’t think you do trade for Santana. Something that’s not mentioned often, because I say trade for a guy, it doesn’t mean it makes sense for every single team. Anyway, here’s some more– “Hey, we did this already!” My bad.
Chris Carter – I was thisclose to making Carter my lede today. From frequent commenter Phil of the Future, “Public Service Announcement for anyone interested. Chris Carter’s batting line through 76 games this year: .198/.315/.405 with 14 homers and 38 RBI. Carter’s line through 76 games last year: .189/.269/.421 with 15 homers and 35 RBIs.” Hey, he knows the future too.
Justin Bour – I just went over him this morning. And the morning before that. And the morning before– There’s a pattern here, but I’m not seeing it.
Cesar Hernandez – Fun fact! Caesarean section got its name from someone cutting through a Caesar salad to get to the anchovies and pull them out.
Scooter Gennett – Just a quick word about the Buys, in general, I don’t give you a ton of info by design, because most of these guys I’ve been calling a hot schmotato and to grab. With that said (you effin’ liar!), I like Scooter in the bigger picture more than most of this week’s MI buys. He looked like hot garbage on the surface of the sun in the beginning of the season, but I believe he’s better than that.
Welington Castillo – Where’s the boeuf?! Right here, dude, open your peepers.
Hector Olivera – Missed on Buxton, Lindor, Syndergaard, Matz and Sano? Well, you were prolly better off on a bunch of those. Never the hoo! I’d stash Olivera now if you’re looking for the next big call-up.
Randal Grichuk – I just can’t with this guy. I love him so much it’s ridiculous. All he needs is a fun nickname and I may never stop loving him ever and ever. The Amazing Randal? Okay, I’m done!
Melky Cabrera – True story: My middle name is Melky. No, that’s not true, but gee-effin-dee I wish it were!
Alejandro De Aza – Funny thing about De Aza that isn’t funny at all. He’s hitting, so I grabbed him and now I’m holding him and he’s still hitting, yet, I want to drop him so bad. Likely because of that Venezuelan line dance, The Alejandrop.
Garrett Jones – This is more of a Hitter-Tron call as is the call to Best Buy where the Hitter-Tron asks the salesperson to put on a printer so it can talk dirty to it.
Adam Eaton – You know why I keep pushing Eaton on you? Because he could easily be Pollock. Eatonski. See?
Marlon Byrd – For those skimming this list that are now craving poultry, I just hypnotized you.
Ender Inciarte – David Peralta has been solid, but what did you expect from someone made up of 18.5% carbon? Ender should be back any day now, and he will likely take his rightful spot back on top of the Diamondbacks lineup that is a dream for fantasy baseballers (<– my mom’s term!).
Michael Montgomery – How many one-hitters does a man need to pitch to get picked up by you people?! Actually, I wouldn’t pick him up in some leagues either. I just wanted to sound indignant.
Wei-Yin Chen – Foreign status, homeless Gattis, trades, crack, Chris Getz, prospects I like for sures, Jose Tabata’s wife should be under martial law, I can’t take it anymore! Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Was just singing a little Billy Joel. Chen should likely have been owned since March, but here we are.
Rubby de la Rosa – Word of warning, Stream-o-Nator likes Rubby and I’m starting him. That’s two things that seem to cancel each out with Rubby.
Kyle Hendricks – Someone’s got their bright SON-shiny eyes on Hendricks for his next start.
Roberto Osuna – He has a 2.02 ERA, 0.90 WHIP and 42 Ks in 35 2/3 IP. Oh, yeah, he’s also getting saves now.
Jason Motte – Honestly, he could be the closer from now until October. With Maddon, you never can tell.
Sergio Romo – With Casilla needing time off, it’s a good week for SAGNOF. Or as they call it in my house, SAGNOF. Hmm, guess it’s the same.
LaTroy Hawkins – Axford is out for a few on a family emergency; no idea how long, I’m guessing a week. Every time I want to pick up a free agent, LaTroy is the first guy I want to drop, but I haven’t, which means he’ll likely get blitzed like 1940s London.
Brad Ziegler – I wish I was in a league where he’s still available. What do you need to pick him up? After every save, he pees the letter Z into the mound? Actually, that would be awesome. Can we get a Make-A-Wish kid to request Ziegler do this? Or maybe we start a new foundation called Make-A-Whizz, but get someone with a lisp to answer phones so no one knows they’re dialing the wrong number.
Giancarlo Stanton – NOOOOOOOOO!!! Breathe, Grey, Breathe! NOOOOOOOOO!!! Hyperventilating. Need oxygen! Need! Oxygen! Okay, I’m not saying trade Giancarlo in a keeper league. I’d never suggest that, and I do think Giancarlo will be fine as of March, 2016. He even seems to bounce back from his injuries better than a fat kid on a trampoline, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he is still likely out for a month. In roto leagues, you’re going to get what from Giancarlo this year? Maybe ten homers? You’re telling me you can’t find someone to trade you a piece that is healthy right now that’ll get you ten homers? I know, NOOOOOOOOO!!! It hurts to trade mi novio, and I still love him. Oh, God, do I love him, and I’m not saying trade him for the unpopped kernels in a Jiffy Pop container, but I would explore options if you’re in a redraft, roto league.