Justin Bour celebrated the birth of our nation Friday night by going 2-for-3 with his 10th home run, making that four straight games he’s homered. Bour is hotter than a roman candle! He’s hotter than a screaming mimi, on top of a snicker blaster with a sparkling spleen splitter igniting a whistling kitty chaser! Thems fireworks, y’all! I will try to keep it short and sweet today, we’ve all got American beer to drink, things to set on fire, second amendment rights to practice, BBQs to ruin and so, so many hot dogs to eat, but Justin Bour deserves a moment of your short, sweet American attention span. He is hitting .412 in the past week with 4 jacks and 8 RBI. The rookie struggled, batting just .138 with two homers in June, but with the oh so tragic injury to Giancarlo Stanton, Bour has slid into the clean up spot in Miami and it has agreed with him so far. Overall the season numbers aren’t that bad either, he’s slashing .271/.350/.521 with 21 RBI. Grey told you to BUY this hot little potato, especially if you need more power. No one is saying he’s going to replace Stanton in your line up or your heart, but with the Marlins offense in need a big boost, Justin Bour could be the 6’5, 250 pounds of All-American hero that your fantasy team and our nation, needs right now.
Here’w what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-2, left the game in the 4th with a grade-3 calf strain and hits the DL. He is expected to miss six weeks with his most likely return date coming by the end of August. No! Say it ain’t so, Joe! Not you too, Miggy! I just lost my flame and my muse Giancarlo, I can’t do this again. I’m still in mourning. How am I to replace 70 homers in my line up? How I ask you!? Miguel Sano can’t do it all? Can he? Justin Bour? Sigh. You cannot be serious. I guess I will have to rest my entire seasons power numbers on…dot dot dot…dum dum dum…Jedd Gyorko! My god. It’s worse than we thought.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBI. This is it J.D. The big guy, M.I.G.G.Y., is out of the picture. Time to take back Detroit. The D. The ‘Roit. You have one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted. In this one moment, will you capture it, or just let it slip? Yo, yo, palms are sweaty, knees weak, mom’s spaghetti!
Anibal Sanchez – 7.1 IP, 3 hits, 4 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. The Animal brought a no-hitter into the 8th, he was 5 outs away from glory, but then, well, YOU BLEW IT! Still he’s been awesome lately, and threw 117 pitches last night so don’t let the bloated stat line fool you. If I was looking to buy a pitcher, I might look to buy Sanchez.
Michael Wacha – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 6 K. Oh em gee, you guyz. Wacha’s got 10 wins, a 2.66 ERA and 1.09 WHIP, and was a Jedd Gyorko homer away from another shut out and his 11th victory. We are only in July, but is he in the Cy Young discussion? Is this some kind of joke? Wacha Wacha Wacha!
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, HR (3), 2 RBI. Ohhh no! I’m not going to be the Gyorko recommending Jedd, but the Gyorko store is practically giving him away. You get a free Randal Grichuk with purchase, this weekend only. He was batting .280 with 4 homers before being called up and Jedd could certainly be an “interesting” pick up with Cory Spangenberg injured. Oh well, too bad everybody hates you.
John Danks – 7.0 IP, 5 hits 0 ER, 2 BB, 5 K and his 4th win. Danks, but no Danks!
Ubaldo Jiminez – 7.0 IP, 6 hits, ER, 2 BB, 4 K. Ubaldo has quietly been very good. He brought a four game-winning streak into last night’s start. He also had a 3.03 ERA and a 42/13 K/BB rate in June. Not too shabby. He’s also had 27 strikeouts in his past four starts. Maybe I’m still feeling the effects of my home made “Amurica Juice” from last nights fireworks but I think Ubaldo is looking pretty good right now. Although, to be fair, enough Absinthe and most things look pretty good right now.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4. He’s batting .353 with 2 homers in the past week. Grey told you to BUY. You know it’s gotta be that secret stuff he’s been drinking. Don’t worry you can legally buy it on Cabrera’s very official looking web page. The site may or may not give you malware, but the secret stuff is there.
Juan Uribe – 1-for-4, HR (7). He’s got a six game hitting streak with four home runs in than stretch. If this wasn’t Juan Uribe, you would have picked up this doode three days ago. But it is Uribe, so pick him up if you want, but otherwise, just keep chillin’ like the supreme chiller that you are, and I will do the same. Word.
Mike Fiers – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 2 K and his 4th win. So the 1.42 WHIP ain’t pretty, and Fiers hasn’t exactly been the picture of consistency, but he’s given up just three runs in his past three starts (20 IP) and he gets the Braves next week. I would stream the shizz out of that!
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 2 runs, HR (6), 2 RBI. I told you to grow a Parra and grab Gerardo last week, and this week the same holds true, only even more truer now! Grey told you to BUY and in the past two weeks, he’s batting .382 with 12 runs, 2 HR, 5 RBI and 2 stolen bases. *Fantasy Pro Player Tip* That will help your fantasy team.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, run, RBI, SB (10). Ryan shared some of his special AM “Protein” shake with the club house and just about everyone in the BrewCrew’s line up celebrated Amurica with a bang. The Brewers scored 12 runs on 16 hits, Jonathan Lucroy was 3-for-5 with 3 runs and an RBI, and Carlos Gomez was 3-for-5 with 2 runs, a grand salami (his 6th) and 5 RBI. This is how you America, people!
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3, HR (10). ARam hits home runs on Friday nights because he doesn’t want me to look bad for recommending him three weeks ago. Thanks Aramis! You’re a real pal!
Jake Peavy – 6.1 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 BB, 4 K. Not a bad return for Peavs. He gets the Mets on Wednesday and I could see streaming him there. To be fair though, it’s mostly because the Mets can’t hit baseballs.
Tom Koehler – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, BB, 4 K and his 7th win. I don’t want to recommend Koehler almost as much as you don’t want to pick him up, but he’s got a 2.88 ERA in his past eight starts and is currently rocking a three game winning streak. He gets the Reds next week and I might stream him if I was feeling stream happy.
Erick Aybar – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. What a reliable source of average and runs you have be–zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Garrett Richards – 7.2 IP, 6 hits, ER, 6 K and his 9th win. That 74/34 K/BB rate sure makes me want to do my happy dance, but the fact that I own him nowhere makes me want to do my sad dance. To be perfectly honest, they are basically the same dance.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, run, RBI. His first career RBI! How special! What a moment. Now drop that hot dog and that delicious ice cold domestic beer and go pick up Miguel Sano! Grey told you to BUY, too! Yes, right now before he’s gone forever!
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4, 2 runs, RBI, SB (16). Hey now, you’re an All Star!
Chris Archer – 6.2 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 8 K. Unfortunately, the Rays bullpen hates Archer and your fantasy team. But while I have you here, clearly upset, let’s look at some of his sparkling numbers like the 2.18 ERA or 141/28 K/BB rate. Yeah, that’s nice. Can I pick Chris Archer to win the Cy Young. Oh, I think I just did!
Masahiro Tanaka – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, BB, 5 K. The 3.94 ERA is probably not what you were expecting when you drafted him. Well what were you expecting? His arm almost fell off and you drafted him anyway, that’s on you, bruh. I’ll take my 61/12 K/BB rate and I’ll be mighty happy I’ve got that going for me.
Mark Teixeira – 2-for-5, HR (20), 4 RBI. Heck yeah I drafted Mark Teixeira knowing he would hit 20 homers in the first half! Did you not expect that? Must be all my ESP. Or all my LSD. Either way I had a vision.
Brian McCann – 1-for-5, walk off 3-run HR (13) in the 12th inning. The McCannimal! 13 homers and 52 RBI. Not to mention doode is clutcher than a Louis Vuitton hand bag!
Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4, run. Hey, it’s you! Didn’t we lock you in a dumpster? Lady Grady is 9-for-22 with a homer, stolen base and 4 RBI since joining the Rays. As long as he’s getting the playing time, I could see picking him up if you hate yourself.
Carson Smith – 1.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER. He entered the game in the ninth with a 6 run lead and didn’t do a whole heck of a lot to prove he could hold such a lead. Fernando Rodney got the last save chance and my guess is he’ll get the next one too.
Noah Syndergaard – 6.0 IP, 2 hits, ER, 2 BB, 6 K. Against the Dodgers, too! You sir, are my spirit animal. I imagine you have a lot of spirit animals, Noah. Two of each, perhaps? Here, you can have my two cats. They are actually my real-life human girlfriend’s cats…but don’t tell nobody. I hate those things.
Clayton Kershaw – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 2 BB, 7 K. Dodgers? Y U No score runs?! The boys in blue tried to take Clayton out for a nice seafood dinner post game to say sorry but Kershaw just could not even…
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, run, RBI. You want Lamb on the Fourth of July? LOL! Go back to Greece! You…you.. you, Greek! How about a delicious hot dog instead?
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 3 runs. Is it just me or does Xander seem to play better without Dustin Pedroia? Sure, I notice it mostly defensively but even offensively XMan seems more confident without Dusty bringing him down. Am I crazy? Intern, can you check on this? What do you mean I don’t have an intern? Then who is that on my couch watching me type? Well, make yourself useful stranger and go grab me a beer.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-4, HR (17), 2 runs, 2 RBI. I don’t understand everyone’s beef with HanRam. Sure he doesn’t really do things like “care” or “try,” and suuuure he makes Manny Ramirez look like a gold-glover in left field by comparison, but Hanley’s slashing .280/.328/.500 with 17 homers and 41 RBI, he’s also got a 8-game hitting streak. In all seriouslyness, were you expecting better than this? Because I was expecting a lot worse.
Jesse Chavez – 6/1 IP, 9 hits, 4 ER, 4 K. Ehh. I like you, Jesse. I just don’t think I like you like you. Not yet.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5, 2-run HR (21). Remember when we thought he’d hit 50 home runs? I guess he still can. Garcon, let us celebrate with your finest “hot dog.” Not sure you guys have picked up on this yet, but I really like hot dogs. Like a lot. I think its because I eat like an eight year old.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-5, run, SB (2). He’s batting .314 with 3 homers and steal in the past two weeks. Hmm. I’m going to say this quietly, or try to type it quietly rather, because I don’t want everyone to hear. I think it might be a good time to buy Robinson Cano. Whoops, I am terrible at typing quietly, I type with purpose and I think just woke up the intern.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, 2-run HR (8). Hitting .350 with a home run and a steal in the past week! No, I won’t recommend him, but I will pick him up and let him disappoint me himself. I will spare you that pain though, loyal reader.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-6, 2 runs, HR (6), 2 RBI. A 400-footer, cuz he nice like dat! He also Rookie of the Month for June because look at his June! No really, look at it: .287/.309/.543 with 5 HR, 15 RBI and 4 SB. And he wasn’t even called up until June 8! I love all the things that you choose to be. Want to accompany me to my 4th of July BBQ tonight? There’s going to be a bon fire and an above-ground pool, and we can shoot guns and light stuff on fire and eat s’mores. I feel like we could really bro down. I’ll split a hot dog with you. Let’s be best friends. Whaddaya say?
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. The ‘Stros have won their fifth game in a row and are in first place in the AL West. Altuve is batting .455 with 2 homers and 2 steals in the past week. Is there anything he can’t do? Altoove is determined to find out as he has just entered the Nathan’s International Hot Dog Eating Contest, and will take on the likes of American legend Joey Chestnut and the evil Japanese rival Kobayashi. I know what you’re thinking, where is Bartolo Colon and Pablo Sandoval when you need a tray of hot dogs to disappear. Well, it’s actually the little guys that seem to do the most damage so I think Jose’s got this in the bag. He should be good for at least 55-60 dogs, right? Is that a lot? I guess so. Anyway, there is nothing more American than this hot-dog eating contest, and whether Jose Altuve, Joey Chestnut or someone else takes home the gold today we can rest assured that it will always be really disgusting to watch. Go Amurica!
Happy 4th of July! Yay America! Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!