David Wright

Dan Pants

Pauly G. is a Jersey Sure Thing

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 74 Comments

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Paul Goldschmidt went off again last night, collecting four hits with two 2-run home runs and scored four times. Awww Schmiiiidt! Goldy has been locked in at the plate lately. Over the past two weeks, he’s batting .400 with 5 home runs, 12 RBI and 2 stolen bases. As a result the D-Backs sit at the top of their division, winning three straight games and seven of their last 10. Paul is currently on pace for over 40 home runs, 15 steals and 120+ RBI. Although he will likely come back down to earth some, he remains the number one first baseman on the player rater and is looking like a lock to finish in the top three. He also is the number two player overall behind only mean Jean Segura. To quote Mike Myers second worst film, “I love…Goooold.” We all do, Johan van der Smut, you horribly offensive Dutch stereotype. We all do. If you read Razzball faithfully, there’s a good chance you own Pauly G. on a team or two. If so, you are lovin’ life right now, so enjoy this. Bask in it. Take. It. In. You earned it. I had a goldfish named Goldy but I never loved that dumb fish as much I love owning Paul Goldschmidt. So thanks Grey. Thanks Rudy. If you ever need a kidney, I’m your guy.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love And Giancarlo Not Standing?

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 401 Comments

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Today is the first day of the next month in our lives without Giancarlo Stanton. If you want, I’m holding a candlelight vigil in the garbage can behind Stanton’s house. If you come, don’t make too much noise. We aren’t technically supposed to be there. The good news about his hamstring injury is when he’s limping away from us, it’ll be a lot easier to stay exactly 501 feet away. Before he’d backpedal and it was like we were doing the lambada with 501 feet between us. The bad news is I’m writing this post with tears. Hnfcsdcnnn. That was a big, stupid tear that got away from me. Short circuit my keyboard, tears. I plead with you, so I don’t have to continue. I wonder if I can seal envelopes with these tears. That would be turning lemons into lemonade, right? Ow, I just touched my eyes, and now these lemons are burning my eyes. This is the sourest injury news ever. Make the pain go away, alcohol! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
VinWins

RCL Update: April 23

| Our Leagues | 23 Comments

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Three weeks are complete, and Men-In-Cleats (Bosch Brothers – in Trout We Trust) is still number 1. We’ll have the complete Master Standings up next week, and they’re all new and exciting! Rudy has added another element to the formula that takes into account where each team ranks in each of the 10 statistical categories.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Zimmerman Rendoned Obsolete

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 787 Comments

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“The Nats Don’t Play,” was almost the title, but that’s too raw for all you suckas. It’s too cutting. It cuts the quick and bleeds ever-so-slightly that irritates you when you cut a lemon for your Arnold Palmer. Y’all can’t hang with my chinchilla fur that I’m wearing in my picture. (It’s just off my shoulder; you can’t see it.) B-Real said it best, “You don’t know where I’m going cause you haven’t been where I’ve been, understand where I’m coming from?” The Nationals know where I’ve been. They’ve dealt with the same thing as me, only they had to pay Zimmerman millions of dollars to get what I got. Which is an ulcer. Thanks, doode! I’ll send you the bill for the Zantac I’ve had to take for the last two years. The Nats called Zimmerman into their office and said, “You only have a hamstring issue, but if it’s anything like the injuries you’ve had in the past that have lasted about 60 days past when they were supposed to, we’re bringing up our best prospect, Anthony Rendon. We’re gonna tell everyone that it’s only for a few weeks while you heal, but we hope you don’t come back until July and we can trade you to the highest bidder. What? No, we don’t validate!” Rendon is gonna be a great one…some day. Damn, the fantasy baseball fortune cookie ending! Yeah, I’m not sure he’s ready just yet, but he’s worth a flyer in all leagues. I grabbed him in one league where I have Moustakas, because I’m tired of seeing that gyro-eating-motherfu– Let’s just say I’m tired of Moustakas. Best case scenario, Zimmerman has a set back and Rendon stays up and hits for a solid average and gives high-teen power with some very light speed. Another scenario, Rendon hits, Zimmerman returns and the Nats gutter ball Espinosa’s value and move Rendon to 2nd. Most likely scenario, Zimmerman returns and Rendon is demoted. Worst case scenario, Rendon shows up at your house at 3 AM and asks to sleep on your couch, seems fine at first then he tells you he has no place to live, stays for months, doesn’t ever flush the toilet or fill up the Tang in the fridge then starts dating your aunt, eventually marries her, making him your uncle, a title he insists you call him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tehol Beddict

Fantasy Baseball Points Leagues: Wieters Reclaims “God” Nickname

| 2013 Fantasy Baseball, Points Leagues | 52 Comments

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Greeting all, and welcome to another thrilling post centered on points leagues. Never forget the fact that points leagues’ stats almost always translate into Roto success as well so don’t feel blackballed or ashamed for reading these posts. You don’t have to conceal it from your Roto playing friends anymore. There are millions of Roto players trapped in the proverbial closet who are dying to announce their true desires and join points leagues. Your parents and close friends may know, but it’s time to let the whole world in on the secret. I love points leagues for the fact we don’t have to roster the likes of Taylor Clippard or Dave Robertson, and again I ask you to now to come out the closet and join the fastest growing type of fantasy baseball league. Given Sky’s rapaciousness for adding hot young studs on the waiver wire, I’d say he’s a prime candidate to be Razzball’s second openly points league playing writer. It’s Ok SKY!!! Let it be known, young stallion. You were meant for oh so much more than a 7th place finish in Roto scoring. Before I get carried away (if that didn’t already happen) let’s move on to the girth of what these posts are truly about: The playas.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Gallardo The New Coxswain Of The Brew Crew

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 728 Comments

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Yesterday, Yovani Gallardo was arrested for a DUI. So that explains why his pitches are all over the place! He blew a 0.22. That’s six-plus runs better than his ERA. Gallardo’s mugshot looks like a still from a PSA. “More than 79% of Americans feel the most significant social problem facing America is the physical absence of a decent 1st baseman.” “I’m Yovani, and our 1st baseman is Alex Gonzalez some days. Other days, it’s Yuniesky Betancourt. Please stop this needless crime against run support.” I wonder if he was driving home from the Miller Brewery tour, because it’s awesome, but, man, you should not drive after that. “If I draw a mouth on my forehead and stand upside down, then I’d have two mustaches.” That’s me towards the tail end of the Miller tour. Well, Yovani does pitch for the Brewers. What did you expect? Guess we should be happy he doesn’t pitch for the Crack Rockies. For fantasy baseball, this doesn’t mean much. Pray Gallardo returns from a DUI as successfully as Miguel Cabrera. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

MLB Has Major Beef With RB’s PED Use

| 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 602 Comments

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Here’s a scenario: You are the burger flipper manager at your local burger flipping place. Someone comes to you and says Ryan Braun, your best burger flipping employee, is injecting his meat with HGH. That’s why they’re tasting so good, yells one of your other employees. You don’t want to believe Ryan is doing this. His burgers are soooooooo delicious. All of your customers love them. Kowtowing to your other employees and the media, you decide to taste test his burgers. Sadly, they do taste test positive for HGH. You have no solution other than to suspend him. This is gonna hurt business. When, by sheer luck, it turns out your taste testers sampled his burgers after they were delivered to their house from FedEx and the soooooooo delicious burger wasn’t tasted in the restaurant. Ryan’s attorneys rejoice. Ryan says, “I told you my burgers were clean” and you shrug. You’re just glad your best burger flipper can keep making you those soooooooo delicious burgers. Then…THEN someone comes along and says they found a note scribbled in the dumpster that says Ryan is ordering HGH to inject into his soooooooo delicious burgers. You look at that note and say, “Okay, we’ll keep an eye on things,” and go back to serving those soooooooo delicious burgers that everyone likes. Well, damn me and my deliciously Horsey sauce argument about chain of custody and Biogenesis as a ‘consultant.’ There’s no way Ryan Braun is being suspended for this Biogenesis nonsense. It’s ridiculous. Can we move on? Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Cubano With A Toasted Role

| 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 342 Comments

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Now Aroldis Chapman says he wants to be the closer. Hahahahahahaha… Wait, why are you putting me in this room with padded walls? No, the Reds haven’t driven me crazy. I’m wearing a potato sack because the fabric breathes. Dusty’s the crazy one, not me. What is that powdery substance you’re stirring into my Jamba Juice? I saw you… I feel drowsy… Jack, I just want to see what’s in the hatch… ….Whoa, just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that not only did Dusty say he wanted Aroldis as the closer, but that Aroldis was saying it too. All of that came after they signed Broxton to close games, with Sean Marshall and Jose Arredondo setting him up. Wait, why am I still wearing a potato sack? It’s true?! AAAHHH! I blame Dusty and the toothpick he hasn’t changed since late-1997. He’s got splinters in the brain. The good news (depending on how optimistic you can be) is Aroldis has about the same value and ranking as a closer as he does as a starter. His auction value wouldn’t really change either. If anything, Aroldis is probably a tad higher in rankings if he’s a closer. It’s a role that he’s not only done before, but it’s a role that had him produce a top ten overall fantasy season. The bad news is, you might own a $12 Salad and if you drafted him as an ace, you no longer have a starter, which could change the entire dynamic of your team. This would kill Broxton’s value too. This still isn’t a done deal, Aroldis and Dusty might get overruled by Reds management, who obviously want him as a starter. I ask the Reds, “Is deciding on a role dis hard?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?