Fantasy Baseball Advice

We already went over the top 20 catchers for 2009 and the top 20 1st first basemen for 2009.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool is shallow (not as kiddie-sized as the shortstops, but we’ll get to them in the next post).  Because of this shallowivity (Made Up Word Of The Day!), the 2nd basemen rankings can be split up into two tiers.  The guys you want and the tomato-tomahto guys.  The Guys You Want’s names kinda give them away.  The Tomato-Tomahto Guys are a whole group of 2nd basemen that are so close to each other in rank, it really didn’t matter which one of them you owned.  At one time or another during the season, you probably dropped one of the Tomato-Tomahtos for a different Tomato-Tomahto.  Everyone probably has one Tomato-Tomahto guy that they hated during the season.  I have a few.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Chase Utley – He was my choice for NL MVP in the preseason.  He’s going to be my 2010 NL MVP preseason selection.  Probably will be my 2011 preseason NL MVP choice and maybe my pick in 2012.  Then, one day when Pujols is not only hurt, but plays hurt, Utley will win it.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  105/29/105/.295/10, Final Numbers: 112/31/93/.282/23

2. Aaron Hill – Let’s get it out of the way upfront, there was some surprises in the 2nd basemen rankings.  We (or you) can sit there and say to yourself, “Gadzooks, Grey did a terrible job of ranking the 2nd basemen.”  First, who says gadzooks?  Are you in a comic strip?  Second, no one ranked Aaron Hill, Ben Zobrist, Marco Scutaro, Adam Kennedy et al anywhere near the top fifteen coming into the season.  There’s the top guys and there’s the bottom guys at MI.  This is why I usually punt the middle and avoid middle infielders between rounds 7 and 15.  Either get a top one, or ignore and take a flier later.  More will be said on this in the offseason.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  103/36/108/.286/6

3. Robinson Cano -  Someone has a terrific season the previous year (Pedroia, Hamilton) and I pulled back for 2009.  A player craps the bed in the previous season (Robinson Cano) and I got excited about them for 2009.  This is the story of my life with women too.  Kick me in the nads and I’ll buy you steel-tipped boots.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  80/18/85/.310/3, Final Numbers:  103/25/85/.320/5

4. Brian Roberts – My predicted numbers weren’t that far off from where he ended up.  Didn’t like him in April of 2008, didn’t like him in April of 2009, I think I might like him a bit more in 2010 because he’s finally become predictable.  Predictable is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  105/10/50/.285/30, Final Numbers:  110/16/79/.283/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Almost surprising as his season is his Christian faith (come on, his name is screaming for a mohel).  Everyone knows the good, so let’s look at the glass half empty.  17/52 and 11 steals with a .297 average in the 1st half.  In the 2nd half, 10/39 in 9 more at-bats.  Not terrible, just not as good.  His eligibility definitely helped offset the regression.   Nevertheless, it was there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Ian Kinsler – It’s great to finally see what he’s capable of over an entire season.  He’s a liability on average, plus speed and nearly as solid as Utley elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  110/23/80/.280/25, Final Numbers:  101/31/86/.253/31

7. Dustin Pedroia – This was the season I was worried about when I advised people (that’s you!) to stay away from Pedrioa.  Was 2009 a terrible season?  No, I never thought for one second he’d be terrible.  I just didn’t buy into him as a 2nd round pick and a repeat of his MVP season.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  110/15/75/.310/15, Final Numbers:  115/15/72/.296/20

8. Brandon Phillips – For some reason, no one seems to trust Phillips.  20/20 for three seasons straight and he gets no respect.  Whatevs, I’ll keep owning him since no one else wants to.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  90/25/80/.270/25, Final Numbers:  78/20/98/.276/20

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – With a swift kick to the nuts, the tomato-tomahto portion of the program begins.  It didn’t really matter which of these guys you owned, they were all productive at some points during the season and yawnstipating at other times.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  90/12/60/.275/10, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Marco Scutaro – If you would’ve told me in February there would be two Blue Jay 2nd basemen in the top 10, I would’ve punched you in the mouth.  MAR…co… SCUT…aro… had a decent season for a guy that probably wasn’t even owned in your league for a third of the season and returned from Asia with pasta.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

11. Adam Kennedy – Gene Rayburn, “2nd base is so shallow…”  You, “How shallow is it?”  Kennedy had only a good May and September and he’s ranked 11th overall.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/11/63/.289/20

12. Felipe Lopez -  You would think a guy whose ADP was 213 and who is ranked this high would have been a huge success.  You’d be dead wrong.  So many times I wanted to cut the Fe-Lopezian tubes, then he’d go and have a 1-for-3 game with 1 Run and I’d hold him.  Ugh, he had one of the more frustrating seasons.  How does he only steal 6 bases all year?!  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases!  Preseason Unranked, but he did make the Cheap Alternatives post, Final Numbers:  88/9/57/.310/6

13. Jose Lopez – I usually go with speed at MI, but, if you needed power there, J. Lo turned in a perfectly respectable season.  I would’ve taken his season over F. Lo any day of the week and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  80/15/85/.280/5, Final Numbers:  69/25/96/.272/3

14. Alexei Ramirez – When you’re ranked within sneezing distance of Luis Castillo, I hope you get Swine Flu.  Ramirez had one good month (May, 7 homers, 2 steals while batting .283) and 4 yawnstipating months.  How does he only steal 4 bases from June 19th on?  I think I’ve found my first candidate of the offseason that I won’t be drafting on any teams in 2010.  No matter what stories come out of spring training. Alexei has never seen the ball this well before! Alexei gained 120 of muscle mass! Alexei can go to hell.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  95/22/90/.285/15, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

15. Maicer Izturis – Maicer, what goes on?  Maicer…  It’s funny all the people ending the season at exactly .300 or just over it.  Don’t make me get Vin Scully to recount the story of how Ted Williams started both sides of a doubleheader while sitting on .400 for the season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

16. Alberto Callaspo – I liked him in the preseason, but even with that like, I couldn’t generate the enthusiasm to draft him anywhere.  Let’s face it, his mother barely gets excited about his hitting.  Was also mentioned in that Cheap Alternatives thingamapost, Final Numbers:  79/11/73/.300/2

17. Luis Castillo – Please don’t make me say anything about Castillo.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/1/40/.302/20

18. Placido Polanco – Placido Polanco is Yoda to Callaspo’s Luke.  Can we just call these guys Polancallaspo?  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/7/55/.310/7, Final Numbers:  82/10/72/.285/7

19. Dan Uggla – Even with how awful this list is, Aramis Ramirez, with 2nd base eligibility, would not have made this list.  Yes, 2nd base was deeper than 3rd base.  Bring back steroids!  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  85/30/100/.255/5, Final Numbers:  84/31/90/.243/2

20. Clint Barmes – This is one of my big problems with the ESPN Player Rater (this is where these rankings come from; makes it less subjective).  I’d rank Barmes as the last guy you’d want and above all the tomato-tomahtos.  I don’t really mind the average, but his homers and steals were valuable.  This is how I ended up with Mark Reynolds on all my teams in 2009 and how I will probably have Barmes on some 2010 teams.  (This is not official yet, we’re still recapping.  Barmes needs an everyday job.)  Was ranked 20th as a Shortstop, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

Justin Morneau has a stress fracture in his lower back.  Joe Mauer missed a month of the season with back pains.  I understand the Twins are a small market team with fiduciary concerns, but it might be a good investment to provide firmer mattresses for the team.  Punto can continue to sleep on the couch, if you like.  Morneau will be out for the season.  In non-keepers, you can drop him.  Cuddyer will start at 1st; he hit a homer yesterday.  Since Morneau was hitting .201 Post-All-Star Break, this isn’t the worst news for you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian Fuentes -  If he were on the Phillies, he’d be hailed as having one of the greatest seasons a closer has ever had.  But when you’re the closer for The Town that Bobby Grich Built, you need to save at least 60 games with a 2 ERA.  41 saves and a 4 ERA just ain’t going to cut it.  Scioscia’s a tinkerer — Howie Kendrick’s hot…  Okay, we’re going to start Maicer Izturis! — So the latest is that Fuentes could lose saves to Kevin Jepsen.  I don’t think Jepsen will collect more than a few, but if you’re in a tight race for saves, you may want to grab him.

Reid Brignac – 4-for-4, HR and 3 RBIs yesterday with his first start in a week.  It would be wise for the Rays to give Brignac at-bats.  Though teams aren’t always wise.

Matt Wieters - 1-for-3, batting .265 on the year with 5 homers.  February Grey emailed me this, “I’m preparing Wieters to Posey comparisons.”

Adam Lind – Hit his 29th homer yesterday.  In the preseason top 80 outfielders post, I said, “Lind could be worth owning in all leagues.  That’s no idle compliment.  Man, you really know how to make a beanbag your own. That’s an idle compliment.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I also harped on him in April telling everyone to grab him.  Next year, there will be comparisons of Wieters for 2010 to Lind in 2009.  Trust me, when a big time prospect fails, I’m all over them.  Ask the People Against the Fantasy Ownership of Alex Gordon.

Jason Frasor – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  Well, that’s one way to get Downs put back in the closer role.

Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Has a near 2 ERA in the 2nd half of the year.  Yup.

Jay Bruce – Returns from the DL.  I’m going to say Jay Bruce is the best outfielder in the history of the world.  And I’d be lying.  Jay Bruce is perhaps the most underperforming outfielder in the history of 2009.  That’s closer to the truth.  Jay Bruce can not help you whatsoever.  That’s lying again.  Jay Bruce might be able to give some slight value in deep leagues.  Yes, that sounds about right.

Brandon Phillips – HR yesterday.  Now has three straight 20/20 seasons.  Cust kayin’.

Brett Tomko – 9 IP, 0 ER.  Whatever Tomko’s stats are smoking it’s probably not legal.

Cliff Pennington – 2-for-4, and hitting near .450 in the last week.  Plus, his name sounds like he wears plaid trousers.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners.  Has given up 4 earned runs in every other start for almost a month now.  If I were a betting man, I might say 6 IP, 4 ER vs. the Cards for his next start.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, one steal.  He hit a huge dip over the weekend, going 1-for-11, but hopefully that was just a matter of playing in Petco.  No one wants to provide offense in Petco, it’s just the way it is.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks.  I’m still undecided, but I might draft Lincecum in the first round next year just to see how it feels to own him.

Ricky Nolasco – 5 IP, 7 ER.  It’s nice and all to have a solid K to walk ratio, but walk someone if it’s going to help you avoid giving up 7 earned runs!

Clayton Kershaw – Out at least 10 more days.  He originally hurt himself shagging flies.  Last person to hurt themselves like that was Jenna Jameson.

Ryan Dempster hits the DL with a broken toe.  No word on how he hurt it, but Cubs fans are blaming Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley’s blaming an Italian Beef sandwich he ate in March but the Italian Beef sandwich refuses to play The Blame Game.  Way to take the high road, Italian Beef sandwich!  Dempster was at 5-5/4.09/1.37/89 through 105 2/3 innings.  Now he’s out until late-July at the earliest.  If you have a DL spot, go for it.  With a non-arm injury, I wouldn’t be too concerned about Dempster coming back and doing pretty much what he’s been doing so far, which is, well, I just told you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark DeRosa – Went to the DL.  It’s a move they were calling “precautionary” and they’re “very optimistic.”  They expected him back right after the “All-Star break.”  DeRosa wanted to play but the “doctors” “said” “he” “shouldn’t.”  Hopefully, his “wrist” will be “fine.”  Then it turned out there was a reason they put everything in quotes as it was all lies and he could be out for a month with a torn tendon sheath.

Tony Pena – Traded to the White Sox.  The Sox now have four setup men.  Guess if they ever have two doubleheaders in one day, they’re set.

Ronald Belisario – Headed for an MRI.  Geez, usually Torre can overwork his relievers for at least one season.  Luis Vizcaino, Scott Proctor and Ron Villone never needed no stinkin’ MRI.

Jose Reyes – Received a cortisone shot.  Supposedly this will push his return back at least another couple of weeks.  Though when Upton received a cortisone shot before the playoffs, it was a boost.  Guess different body parts react differently to cortisone shots.  Glad I didn’t get a cortisone shot in my fingers so I could write the best post ever.

Carlos Beltran – Was seen sharing the same news story as Jose Reyes.  He’s also in no rush to return.  Guess he doesn’t own himself in multiple leagues like me.  If I find out Beltran owns me in a fantasy baseball bloggers league, I’m going on the 60-day DL.

Freddy Sanchez – Has missed five straight games with a back strain.  Since this is all about me, let me say this really leaves me with very few options in a deep league where I own Freddy.  Get well soon, Dirty Sanchez!

Brandon Phillips – 2 HRs.  After his 2nd homer, he pointed into the catcher’s mitt and called the 2nd strikeout for Jay Bruce.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 4 walks.  Solid strikeout numbers in the minors, but a bit wild.  He averaged over 10 K/9, but over 4 BB/9.  And, like your Mom’s cooking, he’s under-seasoned.  He’s worth a flier in AL-Only leagues, but I’d avoid him in mixed leagues for now.  Oh, and so you can impress your friends, pronounce his last name the same as Kzepczynski, but with an R.

Vladimir Guerrero – For some reason, the Angels had Ron Kovic in the outfield.  That didn’t go well.  He limped off the field in the 8th inning from discomfort in his knee.  If you own him, hope the Angels say it’s only day-to-day, which would be only a 15-day DL trip.

Juan Rivera – 2 HRs, up to 16 HRs.  Rivera’s a solid option when healthy and hitting.  He’s currently doing both.  He’s also 31-years-old and has never hit more than 23 HRs in a season because he never stays healthy.  Can he this year?  Maybe.  Maybe he’s this year’s Ludwick.  But even if he stays healthy, he has no speed and goes ice cold for extended stretches, like last year when he hit 6 homers and batted .248 in August and September combined.

Erik Bedard – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  On a pitch count, you can’t ask for much better of a start.  Looks solid going forward, if he stays healthy.  The same was once said of Rickie Weeks.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu hit another homer yesterday.  Get’m while they’re hot.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 Ks.  I wish I owned a guy that would strikeout 11 in 6 innings.  Owned in the non-biblical way.

Pat Burrell – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Has 20ish more to get.

Jason Bay – HR and 2 steals yesterday.  He’s at 20/8 with 71 RBIs.  If he gets to 35/15 with 130 RBIs, he’s going in the 2nd round next year.  Crazy, right?  Want crazier?  Just wait until Shaughnessy runs with that story in September.  You thought Jim Rice in the Hall was crazy; Bay could win the MVP.

Scott Hairston – HR yesterday.  Since Kris Davis went off to the minors, we lost our Reynolds vs. Davis K race, so I have a new one.  Hairston vs. Holliday, the HR race.  Hairston’s up by 3.  Yes, if you traded Holliday for, say, Rollins and picked up Hairston off waivers, you’d be doing better right now.  This is you.  This is you owning Holliday and doing a double take.

Alfredo Aceves – Will start for Wang on Thursday.  So, he goes, what?  60 pitches?  Worth grabbing in H2H leagues and AL-Only, but I’m not bothering with him in mixed leagues.

Scott Baker – 3 IP, 5 ER.  The troubling aspect (or positive, depending on your POV) is he didn’t give up any homers.  Usually if he’s hit hard, it’s because of HRs.  Think you can just chalk it up to a tough lineup and him having a bad day.

Barry Zito – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits vs. the Marlins sans Hanley or Sansley, for those portmanteau lovers out there.

Blake DeWitt – HR yesterday as his Mom, Joyce DeWitt was arrested for a DUI.  If only Joba had such fortitude…

David Wright – 0-for-3, batting .050 in July.  C’mon, Alex Cora can only do so much.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks.  Eh, it was an okay start.  He gets the Giants next, so I’m holding tight for that start.

Luke Scott – HR yesterday and 7 RBIs.  He was almost benched in one league of ours.  Luckily, Glass Chipper didn’t play.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-3, 2 steals. He’s not a pure steal guy, but he does have 15-steal speed.  So it’s a great sign that he’s using that speed, unlike Rasmus, another rookie with 15-steal speed who only has one steal on the year.  As mentioned a few days ago, I own Jones.

Grady Sizemore – 2 HRs.  I said Sell him!  Oh, wait.  No, I’m not backing off on that.  If he has the slightest setback, the Indians will shut him down faster than you can say Rzepczynski.

Paul Konerko – 3 HRs.  Seems like he’s doing for the White Sox what Branyan’s doing for the other side of the plate in Seattle.  Has anyone seen them in the same place at the same time?  Things that make you say hmm…

Bartolo Colon – Yesterday news said, White Sox GM unsure of Colon’s location.  Hey, Kenny, it’s in the large intestine.

A lot of starting pitchers have been traded by the A’s.  Some fare great (Haren), some have mixed results (Hudson), some collapse (Mulder).  But there has never been an ex-A’s starting pitcher that seems to miss the AL West as much as Chad Gaudin.  While he did get crushed @ LAA, his last 3 starts @SEA, home against SEA, and @TEX have netted 21 IP / 2-1 / 2.14 ERA / 0.76 WHIP / 28 Ks.  That’s a Peavian 12 K/9 IP with a K/BB ratio of 21:5.  We’ve had Gaudin on a couple of deep league teams since we love NL West pitchers and it’s been hard to recommend him because he’s been so damn wild.  But after these past three dominating starts (8+ Ks, 2 or less BBs), he’s a must pickup in any league format at this point.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-8 this weekend, with one steal.  If you need steals, don’t wait until after the 3 steal game to grab him.  He may not be there.

Scott Hairston – 3-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  Okay, that’s the last Padres blurb.

Aaron Cook - Effectively hittable (8 IP, 9 H, 1 ER) and liftable (9 ground balls, 10 fly balls) against Oakland, he’s now won 5 in a row and given up just 1 ER in 4 of those games.  He’ll never be a fantasy ace so if you have 5 aces, don’t pick him up.  Otherwise, jump on him – especially if the matchup looks good.

Jose Valverde – Perhaps stunned that Russ Ortiz carried a 3-2 lead through 7 innings against a major league team, Valgreen’s blew the save with a 2-run HR to Brandon Inge.  You may have noticed LaTroy Hawkins earned the save on Saturday.  What does that add up to?  Eh, not much.  Valverde has a long leash and will be closer for the Astros unless he gets hurt, sucks it up big time, or gets traded.

Mark DeRosa – One of the most versatile players (2B, 3B, OF) is now playing for one of the most inventive managers (Tony LaRussa).  Plus, both their names refer to roses which seems romantic.  DeRosa’s expected to play most of his time at 3B but his first start saw him in LF.  For now, he’s batting 4th (right behind Pujols).  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him hit 2nd, 5th, or 6th in upcoming games.  One thing that’s safe for now is DeRosa will get his 5-6 starts a week….as long as he doesn’t impersotweet Tony L.

Khalil Greene – He was hot a little over a week ago, but he’s now 0-for his last 14.  He’s the best choice to bat 2nd?

Pablo Sandoval – 3 HRs between Friday and Saturday.  Stomach virus on Sunday.  That virus was probably living for years in that stomach before Pablo felt it.

Carlos Carrasco - Word is that the Phil-Phil may start Car-Car on Thursday against Atlanta.  He came into 2009 as the Phillies top pitching prospect (ahead of JA Happ) but his 4.92 ERA in 86 AAA IP in 2009 is a clear sign this is a callup out of necessity.  If you dig into his AAA stats, though, things look a bit brighter.  About 1 K an inning.  A BB rate under 3 per 9 inning.  His FIP is only 3.50.  His strand rate of 61.7% is awfully something – awfully unlucky, awfully bad or awfully telling that he can’t pitch out of the stretch.  We’d recommend giving him a game or two to prove himself before starting him (we’re still hurting from Hochevar) but if you need Ks in the worst way, go for it.

Eric Bruntlett – 1-for-11 this weekend.  Rollins went oh-for-no-he-didn’t.

Jamie Moyer – 5 IP, 4 ER, but earned his 252nd win to pass Bob Gibson on the all-time list.  Let the discussion now begin about who was a better pitcher — Gibson or Moyer.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER. Only four baserunners vs. the Sawx.  Now he’s going to be the Cy Young!  Actually, prolly not.  He’ll still have some rookie hiccups.  (I abandoned prolly for probably for a few months to see if I could be taken more seriously by established media personalities like George Will and Ken Burns.  Since I can’t spell Pulitzer without Googling it, I’m going back to prolly! I may even apostrophize, “It’s okay” as S’okay.  Stay tuned!)

Jonny Gomes – Had a good run on all our teams this week with two homers.  Now he’ll return to platooning and we’ll drop him.

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th steal.  Taking the slow boat to 20/20.   S’okay, as long as he stays healthy, he’ll get there.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Hehe.  Asdrubal’s back.   Hehe.

Aaron Hill – 2 HRs yesterday to bring his total to 19.  Could get to 30.  No reason you have to think at any moment the indigestion’s coming on.

Mike MacDougal – Got his third save for the Nats and started selling iced mochas just like McDonald’s.  But he spells mocha with a K.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-4 yesterday and .389 in the last week. You can grab ‘ham while he’s hot, but if you have an erection for longer than 4 hours after doing so, you may want to seek a doctor’s advice.

Andrew McCutchen – Has 2 steals and 5 Runs in the last week.  S’not terrible, but schmohawk behind door number three can probably give you the same.  The Dread Pirate should give you something in a trade though, so I’d explore those options. (I might rethink “S’not.”)

David Price – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER. But at what price? 5 walks.

Andrew Miller – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Miller’s like a boba that clogs your straw.  Just pull the straw out and shoot that oversized boba into the garbage.   It’ll choke you out.

Alfonso Soriano – His forties haven’t been kind to him. Yesterday, 2-for-4, no Runs scored or RBIs or steals.  It’s bad when that’s a good day.

John Danks – 7 IP, 0 ER. He’s at 4.08 ERA on the year with a 1.28 WHIP.  That sounds about right.  I don’t think he suddenly becomes a number one or two, but prolly a solid number 3.

Ryan Sadowski – 6 IP, 0 ER. He was a 4 ERA pitcher in Triple A, isn’t an overwhelming strikeout guy and walks hitters.  Sadowski is the new blech.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 2 ER.  More impressively, he only walked two and one of those was Pujols.  The Cards, with the pitcher batting, aren’t exactly Murderer’s Row, more like Ripping A Tag Off A Mattress Row, but it’s a step in the right direction for Liriano.

Adrian Beltre – If you missed the news over the weekend, he’s going to be out for 2 months with shoulder surgery being performed by, oddly enough, an Angels’ doctor.  You think the Angels would’ve offered to work on Ichiro.  Beltre’s droppable outside of deep AL-Only leagues.

Jose Lopez – 3-for-4 and stole his first base of the season.  As of late, he’s one of the hottest hitters and should not be on waivers in any league.

Chien-Ming Wang – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks for his first Win on the season.  “If this is a breakthrough, color me bored.” — Appropriate here, but it’s also a quote from Thomas Edison’s overdemanding mother.

Mariano Rivera - 500th career save @ Metco and 1st career RBI (bases loaded walk against K-Rod).  If I owned the Mets, I would do three things.  1) Get Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber for Jose Reyes’s hamstring, 2) Change financial advisors, and 3) Campaign MLB to spread out the embarrassment of playing the Yanks to once every 4 years.

John Maine – Rehab is suspended because there’s a pinched nerve in Maine’s shoulder.  I once suffered from a pinched finger from a Maine lobster.  Which finger?  The same one that’s getting prepared to click the mouse in shallow leagues where I own Maine….

The Indians have been more of a trainwreck than Jeff Conaway and Tom Sizemore doing a community theater production of The Taking of Pelham 123. Now Grady Sizemore hits the DL with elbow inflammation.  For whatever reason, this season he’s shown himself to be a bit of a flight risk.  In 13 attempted steals, he’s been caught stealing 6 times.  (He’s been terrible at stealing bases, but has elbow pain?  Is he running on his hands?  What’s the deal, friend?)  Half of me wants to be the doomsayer, um, saying doom that Sizemore’s going to struggle even when he returns because of what we’ve seen in the past from players with elbow pain.  Then my better half wants to say it can’t be that bad, he hit his 9th home run on Saturday. So the ladies love Grady, but should his fantasy owners?  Unfortunately, if elbow pain is severe enough to send someone to the DL, it’s not a good sign.  So I wouldn’t try to buy him low, unless the deal’s too good to turn down.  Then again, I wouldn’t sell him low, either.  If you own him, I think you need to just hold and hope for the best.  Unless, again, someone’s overpaying you for him.  Basically, you’re in a pickle between a rock and a hard place.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ben Francisco – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Hitting .360 in the last seven games and has 5 homers and 9 steals on the year.  Yawnstipating, for sure.  But Francisco will now be batting in the top of the order while Sizemore nurses his elbow.  Is Sizemore nursing his elbow in public? Gross!

Victor Martinez – Sat out yesterday.  Are the Indians punting this season?

Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and the Indians batted third their .339 SLG shortstop.  Though I don’t think that lasts.

Chien-Ming Wang – 8 IP, 2 ER and 7 Ks since he’s returned, but, man, it really feels like he’s trying to get you to fall for the old-banana-in-the-tailpipe, right?

Kevin Youkilis – 2 HRs yesterday as he bats .366 on the season and way above where his BABIP says he should be, i.e., the bottom could fall out.

Jon Lester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks.  Even if you missed this start because you benched him, this is a good sign going forward… Unless he continues to alternate good and bad starts, then you’re gonna have to wait ten days for another good start, at which time you’ll probably bench him again.

Alex Rios – 5 for his last 8 and a homer and steal yesterday.  In case you don’t own him, which I don’t, you may not know his current stats.  6 homers, 4 steals and a .276 average.  From a 3rd round draft pick in ‘08 to 5th round in ‘09, he’s making a case for the 8th round next year.  Maybe the -is on his first name was his Samson’s hair.

John Maine – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  Besides some early season struggles, he’s pitched well.  Can’t hurt to pitch at Metco.  If he’s out there, he gets the Nats next time out.

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Falls into those untradeable guys.  You can’t trade him for how valuable he’s been, because no one believes it.  On the other hand, you can’t trade for him either, because you don’t believe it either.  Wait, huh?

Jason Berken – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Didn’t this guy used to date Lauren Conrad?  (BTW, how about that Hills finale?  Tears, pho sho!)  Anyway, Berken’s not worth a pickup in 16 team leagues that only use Orioles.

Josh Willingham – 2 HRs yesterday and 3rd homer in three days.  Had a good May, wouldn’t trust him to have a good June.

Elijah Dukes – Returns Tuesday.  That’s if he doesn’t end up in jail.  I could totally see Phil Spector producing a Dukes album.

Edwin Maysonet – Rod Roddy, “For the next contestant on The Price is Right… A brand new…. Maysonet!”  9-for-20 since being called up to fill-in for Kaz Matsui.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say 9-for-20 is the best string of 20 ABs he’s ever had in pro ball.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, but lost in a pitcher’s duel to Mike Hampton, who went 7 IP, 1 ER with 3 Ks.  The official attendance was 19,566 people bored out of their mind.  This would be a good test to see if a girl likes you, “Baby, you wanna take in the Astros/Pirates game? I hear the Pirates mascot, Captain Jolly Roger, shoots wieners into the crowd.”

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-4, batting leadoff yesterday.  While it might be nice in theory, let’s not put too much pressure on The Zo.  He’s 25-for-74 with 4 homers batting sixth.  The Zo likes to relax!

Randy Choate – What, no save today?  As I said in the comments on Saturday after Choate notched back-to-back saves on Friday and Saturday, Choate’s a situational lefty.

Kris Medlen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  The forces of the universe are conspiring against Hanson.

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Ouch… Wait, huh?  Ouch…  Sorry, having a hard time sitting down.

Chipper Jones – This year might be the first time I’ve owned Chipper in any league in ten years — in fairness, I only own him there because it’s an OBP, and Chipper does the OBP thing almost as well as he does the, “Ow, my v-jay hurts,” thing.  So, my conclusion after owning him for two months is I hate him even more this year.  5 homers is unacceptable.  Seriously.

Yovani Gallardo – I thought I was going to witness something historic when he struckout 8 through the first 9 batters.  Alas, the pitch count was high and he had to get pulled in the 6th.

Zach Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks.  Who slipped the Kryptonite into his Prozac?  Not cool, guys.

John Danks – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Walks haven’t been great, but he’s striking out guys at a solid rate.  The opposing team’s hits are just coming at the wrong time.  His ERA should come down.

Adam Kennedy – 2 HRs yesterday.   Though Nixon demanded a recount.

Josh Hamilton – Headed for a MRI for his abdominal and groin problems.  Hopefully, they’re separate issues.  Otherwise, that would really be a problem.

Andrew Bailey – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, blown save, but the Win.  Now not only is he the closer, but he’s also the setup man.  Maybe Ziegler disagreed with the choice of Brad Pitt to play Billy Beane in Moneyball:  The Movie. I, for one, hope Pitt channels his True Romance character for the role.

Scott Hairston – 2-for-4, and a steal.  I know, he’s a Padre, but, seriously, he has value.

Ervin Santana – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  I kinda wish instead of saying you should trade him after a few good starts, I pressed you, dear Razzball reader, to trade him before his first start.  I think a trip to the Disgraceful List is more likely than a turnaround, but you’ll need to bench him and wait it out.

David Aardsma – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 BBs. I didn’t see this outing, but he must’ve been very wild.  It’s hard to walk four Angels in two-thirds of an inning.   Luckily, Morrow’s been erratic as all get-out.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5 with a homer.  He’s batting .354 so that’s, uh, ya know where you expect it.  But he only has 19 Runs.  Surprisingly, he doesn’t have 19 solo homers.

Chad Gaudin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Threw a masterpiece on Sunday in Colorado.  Of course…  Sonavabench!

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  Padres could clear 200 homers this year.  If Gonzalez hits 180.

Joey Votto – Totally pulling a Kotchman at this point as he heads to the DL with a stress-related issue.  What, he misplaced his ear drops and totally freaked?  What’s the deal, Votto?  Let’s get our shizz together.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I think my concerns about Phillips’s hairline fracture in his thumb were prematurely reported.  Seems to be fine.  I recant. (<–16th Century Word of the Day!)

Micah Owings – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Nothing really to report with this guy, but the Brewers announcer said something funny during yesterday’s game. (FYI, something is guaranteed to not be funny, when you say it’s funny.  Anyway…) Dusty walks to the mound and the Brewers announcer says something to the effect, “There’s no one ready in the Reds bullpen so this is probably just to talk to Owings about strategy for this next hitter.”  Then Dusty removes Owings from the game after five and two-thirds and 103 pitches.  So the Brewers announcer says, “I wonder what Owings said to get Dusty to pull him from the game.”  This made me laugh.  What on earth could Owings had said to get removed after only 103 pitches?  “Please, Dusty, I’ll wash your car!”  “I’m your man next time Dusty Jr. needs a babysitter on a Friday night.”  “Dusty, I’ll tell you who crapped in your Cubs Dairy Queen sundae helmet.  It was Votto!”