Astros Find The True Successor To Kevin Bass

Derek Fisher was called up by the Astros to replace the concussed Reddick.  First off, Derek needs to stop singing that jingle, “Trust the Astros Fisher, man.”  Tres annoying.  Saying tres instead of very is tres annoying, too. Fisher was hoping Reddick was some combination of reddish and haddock.  “Get that seaweed out of my face!”  That’s Nori Aoki.  Everyone in MLB is happy for Fisher except this guy.  If you thought Strickland-Harper was something… Sorry, for Derek Fisher, that was a layup.  As for fantasy, Fisher has power and speed, has had strikeout issues, but no worse than Bellinger.  He could be a difference maker if he plays 75%+ of the time.  One of the best guys in the minors this year.  Better on power than speed, inefficient as a runner.  Yes, PCL, but MLB is kinda PCL-like nowadays.  Might outproduce Brinson, though Fisher needs to stick in a job for that.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his first home run, and I think Fisher is for reel, and not just on the casting couch.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jake Marisnick – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a homer, hitting .261.  Guess how many homers he has.  C’mon, without looking it up.  I guarantee you’re under.  I wanted to say three.  He’s homered seven times!  Same as, ya know, Gurriel.

Francis Martes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.19.  He’s recommended only in leagues where you have to own one player who a healthy horse cannot carry.  Martes is 21 years old and 250 pounds!  By the time, he’s 40 he’s going to eat Bartolo.

Neftali Feliz – Cut by the Brewers.  How much says Nationals sign him for s’s and g’s?  I mean, that must be an option for them at this point, right?  GM Rizzo, “Dusty, you wanna try Neftali?”  “Nef-what now?”  “Feliz for the bullpen?”  “Not overly feliz, no.  Why are we talking in Spanglish?”  “Know what?  I’m gonna leave you with your toothpick.”

Eric Thames – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  This one came off the Cardinals’ Mike Leake, after Thames had a month straight in April of homering only off Reds pitchers.  Conspiracy Theory Alert!  Thames has a special type of color blindness, and can only see red.  Can someone check to see if he only homered off South Korean pitchers with Communist leanings?

Kolten Wong – Left yesterday’s game with forearm tightness.  Wong needs to switch arms.

Ben Zobrist – Sounds headed to the DL with a sore wrist.  His owners are pist.  Now ‘brist is hist!  Name the song that I am emulating.  Bet you can’t.

Ian Happ – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .209.  I’m not joking when I say next to nothing else, but he is hitting homers.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .178.  I don’t feel like doing the math, but he has to hit a bajillion the rest of the way to hit .250 this year.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer.  Wish the Maddoning One would’ve started this Rizzo as leadoff experiment when they were facing a good pitching staff, so Rizzo went 0-for a couple of games and moved down the order again.  Anyone who thinks this is a good thing likely forgets Rizzo just lost out on four RBIs in only two games, and gained what?  One run?  Lowercase yay.

Matt Harvey – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 5.25, and now complaining of a dead arm.  If you’re wondering, when he said it, he was not ‘Doing the Bernie.’

Lucas Duda – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  This homer annoys me.  I don’t own him, it’s not about that.  It’s because he didn’t start the game.  This is the one area of managing where Bochy is far superior (is it the ginormous head?).  Bochy has a rule of thumb where he starts a guy the day after he hits a homer, barring an injury.  This is so obvious.  If someone hits a home run, they could be locked in, and you want them in the lineup.  Duda homered on Tuesday, and is benched for T.J. Rivera, who also homered in his previous game.  Unfortunately, that was five days ago!

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 7th homer.  Real talk:  solid game, I own Grandy in one NL-Only league and barely even play him there.  Kuhl, but — again with some stank — BUT it doesn’t matter he hit the game-winning home run.  I don’t understand why fantasy ‘perts point out shizz like this.  I’m more interested in Carl Edwards Olmos giving up three earned than I am in how Grandy’s homer affected a game.

Neil Walker – Left yesterday’s game with a leg injury.  I have no clue regarding he who need not be named:

Mets could lose their entire team to injury and Amed Rosario would need to work on fielding drills according to the team. https://t.co/pAMVzFbIDc

— Razzball (@Razzball) June 15, 2017

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.36.  Confession:  when I was a kid, I went out on a theater balcony and made vomiting sounds– Wait, that’s not my confession, that’s Chunk from The Goonies.  Okay, my confession, I don’t trust Liriano no matter what the Stream-o-Nator says, and it liked him last night.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer.  “Now replacing Yonder Alonso, the American League starting All-Star 1st baseman, is Logan Morrison.  This All-Star Game is brought to you by the Flowbee, because we can’t get real advertisers because who the hell would want to watch Yonder and freakin’ Morrison?”

Jake Odorizzi – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.77.  I know Faria faced the same matchup and did the J.K. Simmons “Hey, it’s the commercial guy.  Oh my God, he deserves an Oscar that was so good,” but this was not the easiest of matchups for Odorizzi.

Russell Martin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer.  I flinch like a beaten dog every time I mention a catcher, knowing it’s going to lead to catcher questions.

Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .254.  That was his 2nd homer in four games, and he is the type to turn that schmotato straight from lukewarm to hot.

Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.39.  Serious question:  are there any safe number three starters?  I can find a number one, with some difficulty.  I think I can spot a number two, especially if it doesn’t flush.  A number three?  No clue.

Brian Goodwin – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, now three homers in the last four games.  Dusty might platoon him on occasion for Raburn, and Werth will return at some point, but Goodwin’s got some schmotatoness.

Adonis Garcia – Had ring finger surgery and is out two months.  Funny, I got married and wanted to cut my ring finger off.  Hmm, maybe funny’s not the correct word there.  Maybe…*grabs box of tissues* …it’s not funny at all.  *sobs uncontrollably*

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game limping after grabbing his hamstring.  Limping after coming up lame is 12-16 games of the DL.  Grabbing a hamstring is 17-21 games.  This is science.

Brandon Phillips – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .307.  The Rise of the Zombino, starring Brandon Phillips.  Watch as he tries to eat a pitcher’s brain custard.  “Slobber, slobber, brain custard, good.”

Ender Inciarte – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .304.  You know who Ender is?  And I mean this as a compliment.  He’s Dexter Fowler.  I will call Ender, Chicken Butt.

Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.86.  Bombs over Baghdad now has two straight Quality Starts, but it was a kaboom the start before and I still don’t trust him.

Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.15.  To self, “Self, why is your ERA so pee-poor bad on your NFBC team?”  “Glad you asked, self, by the way, love the way your hair hangs over your ears.  Your ERA is so bad, because Kluber is your ace.”

Bradley Zimmer – 1-for-3, 1 run, and his 5th steal.  On the bright side, he was batting leadoff yesterday.  This makes a ton of sense for the Indians’ lineup.  Here’s hoping Tito wasn’t just having a senior moment.

Chris Taylor – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and two steals (6, 7), hitting .298.  On my fantasy team, I grabbed Taylor a couple of weeks ago to spell A-D-D-I-S-O-N, and now he’s been Pipp’d on my fantasy team.

Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.32, as he was activated.  Oh em gee, a number three starter.  Lord, you have opened my eyes.  I see now you are spreading the truth butter.  You are right, we have one number three starter in the entire major leagues.  “I’m ranking Taijuan Walker at 41st thru 60th on the top 100 starters.”  That’s January Grey next year.

Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.35.  Am I applying truth butter to Zimmermann?  Did you see his ERA?  I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for him still, though he does have three straight solid starts, so one more solid start and I may release the leash a tad.

Mookie Betts – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers.  Mookie Best!

Aaron Altherr – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Put the strikethrough on the text I wrote yesterday about Altherr not stringing together good games.

Raimel Tapia – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .261.  He was also caught stealing, which I point out as a positive — at least he’s running — and not a negative — “Dude, run!”  Not clear how much Tapia will play, but you know I’m watching him like a cyclops with a monocle because of his ability.

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.56.  The Regression Fairies call Lindsay Lohan “Li-Lo,” they talk about how Taylor Swift has a beautiful pink hue under her alabaster skin, and they will pop a squat on your ratios.

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, after going bizzonkers the day before with five hits.  Hot schmotato alert!

Byron Buxton – 3-for-3 and a slam (4) and double legs (11, 12).  Feel like we’ve been here a few times this year, but I went to look if Buxton was on waivers in my shallower leagues, because he has two homers in three games and, for the first time all year, looks locked in.

Mike Zunino – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 5th homer in eleven games, hitting over .350 in the last week, and him over Martin.  Russell.  Zunino over Russell Martin.  That’s gotta clear up at least one catcher question.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .340.  Like sushi, it’s rare when a hitter comes back, but it’s as if Haniger hasn’t missed a step being out.

Chris Davis – Hit the DL with a strained oblique.  That usually sidelines guys three to five weeks.  Vague timetable, but what do you expect for something oblique.

Dylan Bundy – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.29.  The Regression Fairies were out in full neon pink last night.

Welington Castillo – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .292.  Where’s the boeuf?!

Trey Mancini – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .299 as he goes into full-time mode with Davis sidelined.  I could see checking out the lounge act of Trey Mancini if you missed out on the 45 other cornermen who are just like him.

Matt Davidson – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, and his third homer in three games.  Yes, I’ve mentioned him the last three days.  No, I don’t know what you’re waiting for.

CC Sabathia – Diagnosed with a Grade 2 hamstring strain.  If only there was someone the Yanks could give a Chance to.  WINK!  WINK!

Gary Sanchez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Damn, when this guy gets hot, he gets scorching.  It’s like, “I can’t believe Sanchez only has three homers.”  *Julio Urias blinks his eye*  “And now Gary has 20 homers.”

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 20th steal.  That’s in only 49 games, bee tee dubs.

Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .281.  Hitting near-.400 in the last week with two homers and three steals.  If only Mike Trout went down years ago!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal, hitting .333.  I’m convinced, Mike Trout is ghosting riding the Angels.

Matt Shoemaker – Lifted after a trainer meeting.  For the Brits reading, Shoemaker didn’t meet with a sneaker.

Matt Chapman – Was called up by the A’s.  Beatles fans will remember Matt Chapman as the guy who said, “Stop with the hate mail, it wasn’t me!”  Chapman’s best comp is Joey Gallo.  Joey Gallo Compman?  Chapman should play over Plouffe — Plouffe there goes my playing time! — and hit for power and not much else.  He’s available in my 12-team mixed league, and neither I nor Prospector Ralph are picking him up, to give you an idea.

Daniel Gossett – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER in his first start.  Gossett is a white guy?  He should be in a buddy cop movie with Koda.  Two White Guys and a Half Cherokee.  “I’m too old for this shi*t, Gossett.”  “I hear ya, Glover, but Freeman’s on the DL and you’re all I got to solve this high-profile murder of baseballs in the late-inning of Nationals’ games.”  “Whatcha talkin’ ’bout, Willis?!”  Dontrelle Willis passes by and shakes his head, annoyed.

Ryon Healy – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer.  Healy’s the three hole hitter, and Healy’s the best/worst gift I ever received.  I wanted those stupid sneakers with wheels so bad, but for the life of me I couldn’t go more than three feet without falling.  I suppose falling is a part of life, like burping and farting.

Edinson Volquez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.72.  Yup, I benched him two starts ago for his no-hitter but had him right there, front and center in my active lineup for this ‘to the toolshed.’

Tyler Moore – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .288.  Bour who?!  Justin Bour, he’s the guy Moore is filling in for.  It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice.  Figure of speech?  You just walk around screaming ‘Bour who?’

Billy Hamilton – Out with a thumb problem.  Hamilton runs on his thumbs?  No?  Cool, then get him back out there!

Amir Garrett – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.91.  This game was vs. the Padres, so, yeah, and Muslim Mrs. Garrett is still not advisable unless you’re board with a bunch of 80’s chicks.

Jose Peraza – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, as he hit leadoff, hitting .350 in the last week.  Cool, cool, cool to infinity, but he has no steal attempts in June.  As Al Gore says, hot, fiery earth to Peraza, are you there, Peraza?  Good.  Steal a freakin’ base!

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.10.  I’m kinda loving owning him in weekly leagues when he only has one start at home.  “Why, Unkie Grey, why?”  You ask with those milk saucer eyes.  Because his home ERA is near-1.50 in almost 50 IP.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer.   Renfroe!  Or as Scooby Doo says, Renfroe!  Speaking of Scooby Doo, not sure how many of you watched The Keepers on Netflix.  No, it wasn’t about your team with Trea Turner as a $5 keeper.  It starts as a geriatric Scooby Doo, then becomes an indictment of the church.  I always have a soft spot for Cougars, but, wow, I did not like this documentary once it veered off the murder mystery.  It was like, “We went to the same school as this nun, who was murdered, and we’re gonna get to bottom of this murder, or our names aren’t 75-year-old Thelma & Louise!”  Then two episodes in, “Forget the murder, this is about Pedo Priestley.”

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .278.  Moistasskiss!

Whit Merrifield – 3-for-6, 3 runs, and his 7th steal, hitting .292.  With the help of him and Jorge Bonifacio (2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer), the Royals are actually a top five offense in the month of June.  Merrifield vs. Bonifacio is schmotato vs. schmo-tah-to.  Merrifield vs. Bonifacio is also the main event for the slap hitting championship belt.

Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 4 homers in the last week.  I’m raisin Cain, he is so grape.  Hmm, perhaps this autocorrect sponsored by Sun-Maid wasn’t the best idea.

Madison Bumgarner – Threw yesterday and next step is a simulated game.  After that, it’s anyone’s guess.  (Actually, anyone that guesses rehab game after that would be right.)

Johnny Cueto – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.57.  Damn, he’s been miserably bad.  It’s the freakin’ Royals! Who scares you in that lineup?  Jorge Bonifacio?!   Y’all are like, “Grey, handsome, Fantasy Master Lothario, cool guy, over-the-internet friend, why don’t you draft high starters?”  Yeah, like they’re better!   I could have Jason Vargas and Robbie Ray or Cueto and deGrom.  You tell me which team is doing better.  Don’t actually tell me!