Last week, Jack Morris said Clay Buchholz was cheating. Not surprising that something doesn’t smell right with the fingers of a guy named Buchholz. Morris is probably mad because Clay’s not pitching to the score. I don’t usually subscribe to rumors, innuendos and urban legend…though a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt will get you laid more. However, it did look like he was cheating vs. the Blue Jays. His balls were dancing more than a Chippendale after an eight ball of coke and five Monster Energy drinks. It looked like Gaylord Perry was his personal spitting fountain. Then yesterday vs. the Twins, Buchholz looked human for the first time all season (6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks). Maybe the Red Sox told him to lay off the Vaseline and if he wants to do something heroic, squirt some ketchup on his ankle between innings. Curt Schilling: The Catsup’d Ankle That Bankrupted The State Of Rhode Island. If Buchholz is filing his balls like Mike Scott and not like an anal retentive dog neuterer, I’d be careful of Clay moving forward. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joel Hanrahan – Bailey went to the DL with “I can’t stay healthy”itis, then Hanrahanananananan blew the save yesterday and said he felt ‘a little pull’ in his forearm. Pinocchio used to complain of the same thing. Next up on the Red Sox depth chart, Koji Uehara. Koji won’t give you indigestion.* *Message approved by Chef Roy Choi. If anything, Uehara could take the job and run with it. Look at his career stats: 2.88 ERA, 0.92 WHIP, 248 Ks in 225 1/3 IP. I love you, Koji! Okay, I’m just a little giddy because I snagged Koji in the RCL early yesterday for no reason other than I’m psychic, snitches! Or take what I know, wrap it in a Moo Shu Pancake and you’ll be confused again in an hour. UPDATE: I’m the worst psychic in the world since the Red Sox manager said he’d like to use Tazawa.
Shane Victorino – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Slow start for him, but I wouldn’t count him out of another 12 homer, 25+ steal season. Those things don’t grow on trees. No, seriously, you’re thinking of bananas.
Stephen Drew – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last 5 days. Looks like he’s a hot schmotato. Probably will end with another Drew that the Red Sox fans hope to find walking alone in the Combat Zone, but I’d grab him for now.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-6 with his first homer. Dozier is French for sleep and that’s what he’ll do to you if you hold him too long.
Jason Heyward – Yesterday, he took batting practice, then he went on the bumper cars and won a giant SpongeBob for Juan Francisco. All around good day at Fun City.
Brian McCann – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. McCann has it in him to be a number one catcher. Shoot, for about three years, I ranked him number one overall, even if he never reached those heights. Maybe he has acrophobia. He’s probably a bit rusty now like your Impala, so I wouldn’t expect the second coming of Darrell Porter. If he wore his glasses though, it would be awesome. Yes, I’d grab him, if I were hurting at catcher. Commence catcher questions in 5, 4, 3, 2…
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he played left field to keep his bat in the lineup with McCann’s return. Gattis should have some value for a couple of weeks until Heyward returns. But Gattis’s is just happy to no longer be sleeping on used Domino’s pizza boxes. “It’s amazing how much cheese people leave behind.” That’s Gattis.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers, his 3rd and 4th. From a galaxy far, far away, Andrelton is inhabited by rebel forces with a power explosion. But he should forget the light speed and take it to lightspeed.
Dayan Viciedo – Ready to play in rehab games. When you read a lot, do you say you’re ‘all ready?’ I do. I’m smart, huh?
Alex Rodriguez – Will start baseball drills down in the Yankees’ spring training complex in Tampa. Doesn’t Tampa seem like a good city to meet a Hooters’ waitress that was once a man? It’s how A-Rod enjoys them, “Delightfully tacky, yet undefined gender roles.”
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Had a huge early lead, then flew to the Ivictory Coast for a free room at the W only he drank too many bottles that weren’t complimentary and walked away with a no decision.
Fernando Rodney – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. I’d grab Peralta if I were speculating here, but, after his previous season, Fernando’s got more rope than this; Rodney’s earned the respect. *pulls collar, sweats, bugs out eyes*
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 7th homer. I feel like I should get a half a homer for every one he hits this year after being so pot committed to him last year.
Luke Scott – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I told you to grab him in last Friday’s Buy. Nothing’s changed, except that pimple you keep picking at.
Kelly Johnson – 3-for-5, run, RBI and hitting over .300 in the last week. I.e., Kelly Kaownski.
Frank Francisco – Threw a scoreless inning in rehab. Since Parnell is throwing scoreless innings in the majors, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Ellis – Placed on the DL yesterday after the Dodgers said they would on April 27th. Remind me not to show up early for dinner with the Dodgers.
Chris Capuano – 4 IP, 5 ER as he returned from the DL. Well, he did, his pitching may still be on the DL.
Jake Peavy – Cleared to make his next start vs. the Mets, which moved his start from the .278 BA at home Royals to the .215 BA at home Mets. At least someone is looking out for my fantasy interests. I’m evil-eying in your direction, Jonathan Niese.
Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Adverb is modifying your face with kisses.
Domonic Brown – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer. It’s weird to practice patience with a player and be rewarded with some stats. I don’t know how to act. Actually, I do. I complain. Brown, you could steal some bases, ya know?
Hunter Pence – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Five dollars (of non-legal tender) says he steals his 6th base within the next two days. Who wants some of that (non)action?!
Johnny Cueto – Threw a bullpen session on Monday and reported no issues. The Reds trainer said, “Just wait until Dusty gets a hold of him. I’m powerless!”
Bronson Arroyo – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. How on earth did his 77 MPH fastball strikeout seven… Oh, wait, B.J. Upton. Of course. You’re the worst B.J. since the girl nicknamed Mauly in high school!
B.J. Upton – 4 Ks and a one BB. Glad BJ was able to get rid of that pesky third outcome. If you drafted B.J., it’s been a tough one to swallow.
James Shields – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the White Sox. Not saying Shields is a streamer, but I got nothing to say on Shields so I will say I’d stream a lot of guys vs. the White Sox. I.e., I’m looking at Hefner for later in this week, and the Stream-o-Nator vaguely agrees. SON, “Um, well, yeah.” See?
Mike Moustakas – 0-for-4. I did it, y’all! I traded Choo for Beltre and now can drop Mostsuckass. So, why am I having such a hard time dropping him? Is it the fear of a 2012 Zimmerman type reversal? A fear of success? Am I enjoying spraying Windex on my fantasy team as I try to fix it? I gotta book a session with my shrink, Dr. Jewstein.
Greg Holland – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. I was watching the recap on my iPad when I got interrupted by a notification that RudyGamble played me in Words With Friends, so I wouldn’t be too worried about Holland, but why is ‘ahi’ a word but not arigato? No domo arigato, WWF. No domo!
Chris Sale – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s been perfectly acceptable so far, but I still don’t trust him. Poet Grey says, “I got preseason predilections, you take an island vacay in the Aleutians, worried about no 2nd half Sale contributions, your big below the waist for a Lilliputian.”
Vinnie Pestano – To the DL with elbow tenderness. C’mon, Pestano, that’s elbow al dente.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Considering Ubaldo’s looked like a Chinese Crested dog for the last few years, I’m not buying.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers. A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2 and his 10th homer. Even though I don’t own him, I just can’t hate Mini Donkey. I hope he hits 40 homers this year for everyone that snagged him off waivers… That’s actually not true at all; I hope he swings, blows out his back and lets go of the bat and it hits Carlos Quentin in the head.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-5 with his 1st steal. He has 30+ steal speed. I’m partially pointing that out because I grabbed him in a league where I need speed. It’s the power of The Secret.
Josh Johnson – MRI came back negative. The true test will be if his MRI picks him up in his fantasy league.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I remember I had picked him up for a homer on a short schedule day earlier this year. That would be a pretty nifty trick if he hit every homer on a short schedule day. It’s like a drunk-dial booty call when you reach the wrong number and still get laid. Without catching charges.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer. Because someone will ask (they invariably do), I’ll break it down to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it. Arencibia has nine homers, McCann has zero.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Now batting .262 on the year. A week ago, I said, “When he’s hitting .260 with 14 homers by May 15th, you’re gonna feel silly for harboring so much ill will towards A.R. RBIsandstuff.” Yup.
Alfonso Soriano – 0-for-4, RBI and his 4th steal. Wow, guess his legs aren’t trusting his real birth certificate that lists him at 57 years old. He’s got Birther legs!
Andrew Cashner – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in Petco. Around these parts we call that a Hodgepadre.
Everth Cabrera – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 2 steals. That’s a full house, SAGNOF over aces.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. That’s homers in back-to-back home games. Last Padre to do that was Nate Colbert and there’s still some that speculate he hid that 2nd homer in his sideburns.
Jarrod Parker – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Left early because he’s dealing with a strained neck. It’s not easy watching each pitch go back over his head.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. His nickname is La Potencia, but that means nothing to me. Since I took 13 years of Spanish, I will now call him The Yo Form of Cespedes.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a homer. Au Shizz!
Cody Ross – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. He’s done a whole lot of yawnstipating so far, but Cody has 25-homer potential. At least that’s what Kathie Lee keeps bragging about.
Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA is now 2.80 on the year. Above average pitcher + NL West = Method Man. Hmm, math is wrong there, was supposed to equal fantasy success.
Jimmy Paredes – Called up by the Astros. Welcome to the Black Hole of the MLB, Paredes, My Chemical Romance. Rudy said he really liked him. Paredes could win the 3rd base job and hit lead-off. Yes, excitement for an Astros hitter. We’re in Crazytown now, folks. Population: you, me and Rudy. In Triple-A, Paredes had 3 homers and 7 steals in 124 plate appearances. Last year, he had 37 steals, but he’s allergic to a walk. Definitely worth a flyer for speed.
Rick Ankiel – Astros DFA’d Ankiel and Martinez. Getting designated for assignment by the Astros is like being discharged by the Salvation Army.