Yes, Matt Harvey was terrific, but I’d like to talk on a real baseball note for a second. If you’re a White Sox fan, you should be mad. No one on your team looks like they care. It’s like you have nine Alex Rioses (Rioii? Riii?). I don’t care how pumped Hawk Harrelson gets. You can put it on the board…This team is bored! Your ambition…It gone! The White Sox have more lackadaisical swingers than a Hedonism resort that only has decaf. “Okay, everyone grab the guy next to you, we’re gonna have a tug of war. C’mon, you guys have to stand for this.” That’s the emcee at decaf Hedonism. As for Harvey, he threw a gem even if he was facing the White Sux — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 12 Ks. I still think you should sell him. It’s not a frantic sell like the roof is on fire and you’re having Sotheby’s over at your place tomorrow to walk through and see your Gregg Jefferies rookie card collection. I wouldn’t take anything less than a number one of something for Harvey, but I’d field offers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joel Hanrahan – Hit the DL with a forearmarmarmarmarm strain. Yesterday, you might remember I picked up Koji Uehara before Hanrahan was even injured because I was psychic. Turns out I didn’t renew my psychic powers yearly subscription and that was just gas. You’d think before my subscription expired, I would’ve foresaw this. That’s like whenever I see one of those psychic parlors open, but no one inside their store. Can’t they just open like two minutes before their customer shows up? The Red Sox said they’d go with Junichi Tazawa. He’s been terrific in his short time in the majors, and can continue to be solid. I think the Red Sox will go back to Bailey or Hanrahan when one or both are healthy. That’s not to say I wouldn’t own Tazawa right now.
Allen Webster – Red Sox recalled him to take Doubront’s turn in the rotation this week. The Red Sox said they will return Doubront to the rotation after this one turn. The Red Sox also said Hanrahan would get the closer job back only to let Bailey stay the closer until he was hurt, and the Red Sox said the Easter Bunny exists. Don’t let Webster’s three-foot, four-inch stature fool you. He’s an adult and ready to contribute. He has a 95 MPH fastball and can rack up Ks. Like the guy he’s replacing, his walks tend to hinder him. I’d grab Webster for his start vs. the Twins and then play it by ear if Doubront is moved back into the rotation.
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Buchholz is now the only odd ball in the Red Sox rotation since they have Dempster, Webster, Lester and Lackluster.
Will Middlebrooks – Diagnosed with a side injury. So, that’s Will Sidebroke.
David Ortiz – 1-for-4 as he extended his hitting streak to 27 games. He’s beating the shift like my high school girlfriend with my Hyundai. “Grind the hips, baby, not the gears. And pass me the beeswax, I gotta work on my dreads.” It was a trying time for my family.
Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Mess in Metco. This start wasn’t exactly against the 1927 Atlanta Braves in Coors, but he gets the Twins next. Yeah, I’m holding him for his next start.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, run, RBI and his 7th steal. Yesterday, The Dread Pirate climbed to the top of the Pirate ship’s mast, tore a string from The Jolly Roger and swashbuckled down in front of the Mariners and the seven Pirate season ticket holders. “Ahoy, Jonesy, drive me in after I steal this base. Gar. And get me some mead, Ol’ Chumbucket! That’s you, Jeanmar Gomez. You are Ol’ Chumbucket! Argh, don’t make me explain it.”
Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. “I’m not Chumbucket, am I?” “Argh, it’s Jeanmar Gomez, why do I have to keep explaining that?”
James McDonald – Hit the DL with shoulder discomfort. It could explain why he’s been so poor his first six starts. Now, if he’s had shoulder discomfort for the past two years, it would explain even more.
A.J. Pierzynski – Scratched with oblique tightness. At least they narrowed it down to somewhere in his body is tight.
J.A. Happ – Left the game after taking a Gallagher to the melon.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, homer, 2 Ks. His 2nd game in a row with the exact same line. It’s a glitch in The Matrix.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 1st homer. I don’t know what’s sadder, the fact that I actually looked at his last seven games to see if this was the beginning of something only then to realize it can’t be the start of something if this is his first homer or the fact that it’s his first homer.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and has now hit in five straight and is 8 for his last 14. NotpostedbyMelky.com would tell you that’s Hall of Fame-type numbers, I’ll just say he’s a hot schmotato.
Miguel Tejada – 2-for-3, 2 runs as he got the start over Mostsuckass. If you’re just waking from a four-year coma and read that, you could easily think that makes perfect sense. If you’re waking from a four-month coma, you could easily think I’m talking about the Dominican Winter Leagues.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he bats .234. Matt Wieters Fact: He gets hot one game every ten days.
Nate McLouth – 1-for-3 with his tenth steal. Sure, instead of drafting Desmond Jennings, I could’ve just picked up Nate McLouth. Why you gotta say it like that? Acting all highfalutin. You don’t think it stings enough? Wanna see a grown man cry? Does my pride mean nothing to you? *gently weeps*
Yuniesky Betancourt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Basically anyone with a first name starting with Yu is good this year. Too bad it’s a short U sound on Yuke Moustakas.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer. And he didn’t get hurt rounding the bases. Score-score!
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. I’m not buying him again yet. On a side note, I was looking at some batter vs. pitcher match-ups yesterday and it got me thinking — I think, y’all! — I wonder if it hurts offense even more now that there’s no rhyme or reason with interleague play. A bunch of games yesterday had a lot of pitchers facing hitters they never saw. Things that make you go Grimm, Justin.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Like Santiago mentioned above, I’m holding Kendrick too. That’s not to say he’s above Kendrick. Since someone will ask, I’d want Kendrick first. Now only 600 other comments to bang out with a Yes, hold and ha.
Eric Stults – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Marlins in Petco. Finally we get the answer to that age-old question, if a baseball game between the Padres and Marlins happens, does it make a sound? Yes, the sound it makes is yawn.
Will Venable – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer in his 2nd straight game. Unfortunately, it was the Padres third game in that span since Venable is Will.I.Am.Platooned.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, batting .419. Rudy and I talk a bit about him in this afternoon’s podcast. You can’t hardly wait. No you!
Nick Punto – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs with a homer and double. Yesterday there must’ve been a full Poon out.
Brandon League – 1 IP, 2 ER. Mattingly gave him a potential vulture win opportunity and League gave up the 2-run homer to Au Shizz. Those things happen. When a closer has a 2.33 K/BB, you cut him some slack. Oh, wait, that’s a 2.33 K/HR ratio (7 Ks / 3 HRs Allowed). I’m sure there are other relievers with that ratio… Let’s see… Axford has 14 Ks and 6 HRs allowed, that too is a 2.33 K/HR ratio. The only reason Dodger fans won’t be yelling for Kenley when League pitches is because they left two innings prior to beat the traffic.
Heath Bell – Got the save yesterday. The toffeeist reliever in the big leagues may get another shot to close in Arizona if Putz goes on the DL. (Putz was pulled from the game with stiffness; not like that! Wait, how did you mean it?) Bell’s got three things going for him over D-Her: 1) He has ‘closer experience’ and 2) He goes back a ways with GM Kevin Towers from their Padre days. 3) There’s no 3. Listen, guys and four girls, Bell’s been decent since his first outing — hey, it won’t be pretty, but Bell is a must pick-up.
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-4, 1 run. The Notorious D.I.D. is hitting .436. Sweetie, he’s got enough to feed the needy!
Joel Peralta – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Murphy’s Law of fantasy baseball tells us that no matter how good the middle reliever has been, once you pick him up he will get hit.
Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Kimbrel with the Marmol. Someone commented yesterday they lost the win of Medlen and Harvey. So, they only had, like, 27 IP, 2 ER and 70 Ks. That’s a #teaminfirstplaceproblem.
Ryan Madson – On Thursday, he will face live hitters. Another setback for the zombies’ employment rate.
Jered Weaver – More than two weeks away after he was sent to extended spring training to build up arm strength. I remember when I was a kid we built up arm strength by shooting up drugs and teasin’ our hair. The bygone 1990’s!
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when someone explains to Arte why they had to go out and get Hamilton and Pujols. Arte, “So, you’re saying we would’ve still had Trumbo, Trout, Aybar and Kendrick — the heart of our offense thus far — and still lost to the Astros, but by a bigger margin? A close game vs. the Astros makes the $578 million worth it?”
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs as Altuve says he don’t need no stinkin’ booster seat to sit at the big boy table.
Robbie Grossman – 1-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals. It’s kinda perfect he’s the Astros’ lead-off hitter. It’s what everyone is thinking when they look at the Astros’ lineup anyway.
Travis Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. ERA is at 2.33 and WHIP is at 0.93. Yeah, I picked him up, but I freely admit that I don’t think he’s anywhere near this good. He’s getting crazy lucky with BABIP and is much closer to a 4.00 ERA with a 1.30 WHIP type pitcher. But I’m done watching from afar, I’m grabbing him. As they say, get Wood, or go blind tryin’.
Kevin Gregg – 1 IP, 0 ER with his 5th save and has a 0.00 ERA. In related news, water is dry.
Josh Rutledge – 3-for-4, 1 run and hitting .252. Seems like there’s a lot of backlash in the comments for Rutledge. Did you think he was gonna go 40/40? He’s on pace for 20/20. I gave him the projections of 92/17/51/.262/20. That doesn’t come with a free car wash, sorry.
Zach McAllister – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and a 2.63 ERA on the year. The cure to the common streamer, McAlkaseltzer! He gets the Tigers next and that’s a “No thank you” with a side of “You can do better, I have faith in you.”
Josh Reddick – Should return in a few days after getting a… Cortisone shot! Grab him immediately. Cortisone is the one steroid us city folk have left besides a Black Eye off the Starbucks secret menu. If you remember, Zimmerman had a cortisone shot last year and hit 25 homers in his next six games. Reddick had ten homers last May. This year…the sky!
Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. I don’t fully trust him on the road, but he goes to Safeco next, which is fine, then he heads back to O.co. As I said in the preseason, he can be a ratio helper. Plus, he sounds like he’s from Bayonne and would hang out with Joey Fatone.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5 with his 6th and 7th homers. I just traded him. Yesterday was the first day he was off my team. Literally yesterday! Literally! I’m having a flip-out Jerry Maguire getting fired moment right now. And I’m taking this fish and Dorothy! I love Korean people! It was a mission statement!
Ryan Doumit – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. He raised his average to .212, which is the area code for Manhattan, which has Rye in it. Coincidence?