Matt Wieters is headed to see Dr. Freeze about his elbow and likely to the DL.  Stop throwing curveballs to 2nd base!  Dr. Freeze has never seen an elbow he can’t sideline for six months.  Can’t we have anything nice this year?  The only player that is healthy in the entire league is Nick Punto.  Now starting at 1st base for the Orioles…Nick Punto!  Now starting at catcher for the Reds…Nick Punto!  Now starting in right field for the Angels…Nick Punto!  It’s Nick Punto’s world and we’re just trying to play fantasy baseball!  The only ones doing well this year are Dr. James Andrews and Nick Punto!  “Wanna go to Friendly’s?”  “Sure, your treat!”  And then Dr. James Andrews and Nick Punto laughed evilly.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dylan Bundy – Will throw batting practice next Tuesday.  Don’t they have some 60-year-old ex-ballplayer for that?  Where’s Billy Ripken when you need him?

Henderson Alvarez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.62.  Dating back to his no-hitter to end last season, he’s been the number one streamer that should be dropping a Cleveland Streamer.  Data provided by no one.  Alvarez is not wildly attractive for upside, but he is safe– *shakes*  Sorry, I said safe and got the willies.  Let’s just say he’s basically the Latin Gee, I will call him, Esta Bien.  He gets the Padres next time out and the Stream-o-Nator— Do you even need to know what SON says for that start?

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal, his third.  You know what really ties together fifty homers?  A ten-steal season.  I will now stand the legal 500 feet distance from him and shout sweet nothings.

Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Bartolo said after the game, it was hard to pitch in Crayola Canyon with the unicorn vomit statue in center.  He kept thinking to himself, is that unicorn really wasting all that food?

Alex Cobb – Says he should be ready to go by end of May.  Finally, good news!  Wait, it’s only the first week of May and all he had was an oblique strain.  Okay, finally some mediocre news!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he returned from the DL.  I saw he had a 0.66 ERA and I thought I found an error like when you’d find a typo in a textbook and you’d get all excited.  Okay, maybe only I got excited.  Any hoo!  It wasn’t a mistake, I forgot about Australia, which is also the title for my travel book.

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .267.  You in the 2nd round of your draft, “Hmm…Tulo or Hanley…  Maybe I’ll flip a coin.”  That’s what you get for carrying change.

Wilson Ramos – Might return today from his broken hamate bone.  I wish Alex Cobb had Ramos’s hamate bone in his oblique.  Doode got better crazy fast.

Jayson Werth – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .306.  He’s old enough to be Jaydad, but from all the guys that grew up in the Phillies organization in the late naughts, he definitely looks the spriest, which looks a little like what you’d call a superhero priest.

Anthony Rendon – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .304.  Nats don’t look like they’re missing Zimmerman or Harper at all! Well, except for losing yesterday, but that’s IRL — boring!

Tyler Lyons – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Krazy Braves.  It doesn’t completely coalesce with everything we know, but just about everyone is a good start vs. the Braves, who should be hoping all of their hitters join their pitchers and need elbow surgery because the pitchers who have filled in have been terrific.  Wow, that might’ve been the world’s longest sentence ever.  That’s gonna really bump up my readability score on the Flesch-Kincaid scale.  Case example from yesterday:  Gavin Floyd (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks), who is the 6th man in the Braves rotation, which is better than the movie, The 6th Man, but only barely.

Billy Hamilton – The Reds say he won’t need the DL for his sprained knuckles.  Unfortch, I think he’s going to return for one at-bat, get jammed on an inside fastball and realize that his knuckles still hurt like an em-effer and he’s going to hit the DL then, but we’ll see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Aroldis Chapman – Expected back this weekend.  How about four more saves for Broxton as he’s going out the door of my fantasy team?  C’mon!  Whaddya say?

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Could’ve been worse.  Don’t you love when you’re saying could’ve been worse for your ace?  Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink, because it’s my tears.

Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, hitting over .350 in the last week.  I wonder what Salieri is hitting in the last week.

Grady Sizemore – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs, hitting .242.  Okay, but who takes selfies as good as this guy?  He’s the selfie master!

Drew Pomeranz – Slated to start today in the 2nd game of the doubleheader.  Fred Willard was onto something, I’d love to see this Pomeranz with a little hat and a corn cob pipe.  They ever do things like that?  Since Milone looks like baloney, Pomenranz could stick in the rotation, but he’s only interesting for AL-Only leagues.  He still hasn’t proven to be anything less than a 4-something ERA starter.

Jesse Chavez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Yeah, of course, because I finally put him into my lineup!

James Jones – 2-for-5, 1 run as he played center and hit 2nd.  Lloyd Christmas McClendon said Jones could see a lot of playing time.  Then James Jones said you should switch to Sprint, but said it in a really deep voice that sounded like Darth Vader.  So, if My Middle Name Is Earl does have playing time against everyone but lefties, he’d be a nice pick up for AL-Only leagues for SAGNOF, being that he stole 28 bases last year in Double-A.  I wouldn’t expect a whole lot else for now.

Jim Johnson – 2/3 IP, 4 unearned runs.  Two steps forward, one step back into a pit of quicksand.  Yes, I’d own Luke Gregerson again.  What an utter shituation.

Chris Colabello – 1-for-4 and a homer, his fourth.  I held him for, I don’t know, maybe fifteen games longer than I should’ve but just dropped him.  Thanks, Colabello!  It says here his POS eligibility is first and outfield, but all I see with him is POS.

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting near .500 in the last week.  Who?  Schmotato, Hot.

Josh Tomlin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the TwinsTrevor Bauer could’ve had, like, 12 Ks!  And pitched from 2nd base!  Damn you, Indians!

John Axford – After working a few days in a row, Axford wasn’t able to go yesterday so Cody Allen’s owners rubbed their hands together, then they slowly counted the petals on a daisy, ending on “He loves me,” and then the ball went to Bryan Shaw for the save.  A’la Nelson Muntz, HA-HA.

Charlie Morton – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, his ERA is 3.45, which is about as close to a Pi rate as you have on the Pirates staff, but he’s still not advisable.

Tim Hudson – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is at 1.99.  He’s actually having a pretty remarkable start to the season.  His strikeout rate is 6, which is bleh, but his walk rate is…wait for it…here it comes… Okay, I thought it was in my track pants…What’s that, Cougs?  Hudson’s walk rate is in the fridge?  Oh, oops, yeah, I need that…. His walk rate is 0.50!  Greg Maddux called and said stop showing off!

Moises Sierra – 4-for-4, 1 run.  Where the hell has Sierra been hiding?  In a mountain range somewhere?  Like in the…Uh, I can’t think of one right now.

Gordon Beckham – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  I’d tell you where he was hitting in the order and what he’s hitting in the last week, but would anyone really pick him up?  No, of course not.

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Fun fact!  There’s more people who think O.J. was innocent than own Edwin Jackson in fantasy.

Carlos Gonzalez – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs; Troy Tulowitzki went 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI; Drew Stubbs went 3-for-5, 3 runs with the slam & legs; Charlie Blackmon went 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer and Nolan Arenado extended his hitting streak to 26 games.  In related news, Corey Dickerson put his Cohibas in the humidor, broke it and now is being punished by being a defensive replacement.

Prince Fielder – 1-for-3 in Coors.  Well, I guess it’s good that he’s healthy.  This way when I hurt him it will mean so much more!

Jimmy Rollins – Missed his 2nd straight game due to a tweaked groin.  Ryan Sandberg said, “He probably wore his panties too tight.”

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 7.02 thru two starts.  I was all-out on Hamels in the preseason, and while I don’t think he’s necessarily a 7-ERA pitcher, I also don’t want any part of him, and haven’t for the last four months.  He had shoulder tendinitis in the preseason and I smell trouble, and that trouble smells like crizzap.

Cody Asche – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last 3 games.  Guess who just picked up Asche?  This guy with two thumbs that is struggling to type while pointing his thumbs at himself.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5 and his third homer.  I’m still concerned about him, and he was 0-for-12 entering the game.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and like tenth in the row.  I have it on good authority that Dwayne Murphy visited Rasmus late one night while Rasmus was sleeping and Murphy slipped a Walkman on his head and blasted him awake with hitting tips.

Drew Hutchison – 8 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s like a cold sore on a hot chick.  You’re hoping to get lucky with strikeouts and you leave with genital warts.

Aaron Loup – 2/3 IP and his 2nd save.  Again, the Phillies have a lot of lefties, so Loup got the save.  Speaking of which, when the H-E hockey sticks do the Jays face righties so Delabar can get a save?

Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  It was either face the Astros pitching or have sex with Prince Fielder’s identical twin sister, but Miggy had to bust that slump some way.

Robbie Ray – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a temp fill-in for Anibal.  Or Anibalternative.  Replacibal?  Let’s move on.

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting garbage in the last week, but he had a homer the other day, and he’s overdue.  Could be a hot schmotato at any moment.

George Springer – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  You don’t want to be the dope that dropped Springer too soon.  Repeat with emphasis on don’t:  You DON’T want to be the dope who dropped Springer too soon.  Do I need to repeat again with a capped dope?  Then it’s 1-8-7 on an undercover clown.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Au Shucks!

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a day after going 4-for-4.  Somebody’s getting hot.

Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 1 run as he moved back to the two-hole with Segura (1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) moved back to 7th.  Can’t Braun practice swinging a mallet from the strongman carnival game somewhere in Scooter’s vicinity?

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5 and four steals in the last two days.  Downright Bonefacian!

Salvador Perez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  Oh, just you wait until you hear what OBPwulf did.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and OBPwulf’s 2nd homer in as many games.  Catcher questions begin in 3, 2, 1…

Chase Headley – Began a rehab assignment.  He wouldn’t need rehab if he just abstained from injuries.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as he threw 125 pitches because The Sciosciapath was busy regaling Don Baylor about the time he dug a ball out of the dirt and threw to third to get the runner.

Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  Well, that was fast.  I’m sure The Sciosciapath will find some way to make excuses for Frieri, but Captain Joe Smith should still be owned, assuming he doesn’t have Scarlett Fever.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.43.  Kuroda used to be a safe four to five fantasy starter, but he doesn’t feel safe right now, and that makes him a streamer, but, as the Stream-o-Nator will tell, his next start is juicy.

Brian Roberts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and the game-winning homer.  When he hit the homer, they said on the MLB network some nonsense about him now being a true Yankee.  I thought he became a true Yankee when he turned 35.  It’s like being the President.

Michael Pineda – Placed on the DL and is aiming to return in June.  It’s gonna be downright shocking when he returns as a white man.

2020 Draft Kit
 
  1. Pedantic P says:
    (link)

    Just a heads up- the runs to Johnson are unearned.

    • Pistol Pete says:
      (link)

      @Pedantic P: That’s one MLB rule I’d love to see changed. An error by the pitcher himself should equate to earned runs.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Pedantic P: Hmm, they must’ve changed them after the game…

  2. Boomer19 says:
    (link)

    Great write up! I was offered Cano and Espinosa for Adam Jones and Dee Gordon. Fair trade?

    • FagSwag says:
      (link)

      @Boomer19: I like the Jones/Gordon side.

    • Piranhaman says:
      (link)

      @Boomer19: i also like Jones-Gordon side.

    • Boomer19 says:
      (link)

      Now he switched it to Cano, Lester, Espinosa for Votto, Dee Gordon, Casey Jannsen and Hardy. Pull the trigger for Cano?

      • Schlurricane

        Schlurricane says:
        (link)

        @Boomer19: More nope.

  3. Picard56 says:
    (link)

    Is Xander Bogaerts really worth keeping in non-keeper leagues? I just picked up Jhonny peralta to cover SS and Gregory Polanco and Trevor Bauer are sitting on my WW. Who should I pick up if you think its necessary to drop Xander?

    • FagSwag says:
      (link)

      @Picard56: If you’re in a Yahoo league, check to see if your commish added in NA spots. If so, be sure to add and then place a prospect in that spot. I had the option to keep Xander coming into the season and passed. I didn’t view him as one of my top players, nor as a great bet to produce well this year. As for who to pick up, I’d go with Polanco, as I generally value offense over pitching.

    • Moronymous Lohse says:
      (link)

      @Picard56: I admit that I’m having trouble not dropping IN a keeper league. And I’m a Sox fan.

      • Eric says:
        (link)

        @Moronymous Lohse:

        I’m in the same boat – I have XB locked up in the 21st round for life if I want him – but him burning up a bench spot all year is tough to justify

    • New Jersey Jays Fan says:
      (link)

      @Picard56:

      after pulling a trade for a reliable ss that fills more stat lines than just a descent average i dropped xander like a bad habit. he doesnt drive in runs, steal bases, hit homers, or even score many runs so yeah hes expendable.

    • Jacks says:
      (link)

      @Picard56: I’m in a 4×4 keeper format with limited FA pickups. Bogaerts is killing me cuz I have to use him as a RZimm fill in at third. He’s too valuable to drop … and to think I dropped Frazier earlier in the year (and someone else picked him up). But Bogaerts at third has been a season killer thusfar. He gets his hits, but he’s 4-31 with RISP. Gotta hope that turns around.

  4. KillerB says:
    (link)

    Who wins if all are $1-3 keepers — Werth for Brantley and Adams?

    • jordan73 says:
      (link)

      @KillerB: I’d take the Brantley/Adams side, especially in a keeper league. Sure, Werth is looking good right now, but he’s like 34 years old and hasn’t played a full season in a few years.

      • Moronymous Lohse says:
        (link)

        @jordan73: YUP! Adams could be there for the next ten years. Even if he’s having a slow start that faht bahstid is a 30HR per year kinda guy.

        • B says:
          (link)

          @grey — what do you think? to keep both brantley and adams the deal would require dropping someone like middlebrooks, bourn, khris davis, jesse chavez or chris archer. so its really werth and one of those guys for brantley and adams. which side do you think wins?

  5. BJ says:
    (link)

    Too soon to drop Chris Archer?

    • Biz says:
      (link)

      @BJ: wondering the same thing. I’ve realized I don’t have the stones to start him against any team in his own division. Gee is there too on waivers. Thanks!

    • Mrs. Featherbottom says:
      (link)

      @BJ: Yes. His line would have looked much better sans a few fielding errors in the 4th.

    • Aero says:
      (link)

      @BJ: I think it depends on what type of league. In my 10-team H2H I dropped him for a streamer.

      • jal179 says:
        (link)

        @Aero:

        Im dropping him 10 team h2h…. Liriano there for the taking too

  6. Numa numa says:
    (link)

    Rosenthal/Robertson for Cobb/Adams in a dynasty? Thx

    • FagSwag says:
      (link)

      @jordan73: Agreed! @Numa numa: I want Cobb/Adams. I feel like Cobb is the best player involved, and closers are too volatile to value that high in dynasty leagues.

  7. woodzler says:
    (link)

    Pi rate and Sierra …..what?
    Schenkelklopfer!!

  8. Bertchr22 says:
    (link)

    Santonio Holmes would argue that he too is a selfie master.

    I’m now sad and disappointed with society that selfie was not auto corrected when I typed it or listed on my spell check.

  9. Jnevs23 says:
    (link)

    Are we 100% sure Moises Sierra isn’t a player from snes Ken Griffey jr baseball or some other unlicensed Old school MLB video game?

    • Mrs. Featherbottom says:
      (link)

      @Jnevs23: His real name is Juan Carlos Valbuena and he was born in 1971.

    • Yescheese says:
      (link)

      @Jnevs23: and behold, at the mountain top, he found a burning bush, brilliant and fiery, red like a hot schmotato… The bush spoke: Moises…

  10. Frank says:
    (link)

    Is erlin in the alverez tier or the Morton tier of belief ? Picked him up for the favourable matchup and SON likes his next start too. Do I just take the 2 starts and move on.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Frank: He’s a hodgepadre

  11. SteveNZ says:
    (link)

    According to the box on mlb.com, all Jim J’s run s were unearned. It doesn’t make the outing any better (I think the error was his own), but at least it didn’t make my ERA any worse.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @SteveNZ: Yeah, must’ve changed it later

  12. Ray Liotta's Dermatologist says:
    (link)

    Jim Johnson’s line actually contained 4 R, 0 ER because of the whole “Pitcher makes an boo-boo but doesn’t get punished for it” so I guess that’s 12 or so innings without an earned run? And once again I’m up against the guy who has him as the only RP in his lineup for some reason. Is there a term yet for getting lit up on the field but not the boxscore?

  13. Druss says:
    (link)

    Hey Grey,

    I forgot to drop Colabello when you advised… but I had him on the bench :(
    I’m sure its in the Unwritten Baseball Rules somewhere
    ” You may not drop a player the day he hits a home run”

    Do I still drop him ? I can pick up Rasmus , Krispie, Stubbs , Asche, Lake , Juan Fransisco or Edwardo Escobar ( Who I have never heard about or seen )

    Thanks in Advance!

    • New Jersey Jays Fan says:
      (link)

      @Druss:

      get Rasmus now! I am a jays fan and watch him every night he has tweaked his stance and is hitting the shit out of the ball. he climbed his avg .100 pts in a couple weeks and is on a tear right now.

  14. Wacha Wacha says:
    (link)

    Haha spriest…Pick 1 for ROS h2h categories league.

    Liriano, M Perez, Kluber, Beckett, Jimenez, A Simon, Gee, Hammel

  15. Hi Grey, everyone.

    This news about Wieters is really unwelcome. He’s been a positive surprise in a 14-team redraft roto league. I can’t afford to drop a hitter to pick up a replacement, but I’ve got extra pitchers and Ramos and DNorris are the most interesting backstops available as FA.

    Should I wait on the news from Dr. Freeze? Or drop a pitcher to grab one of the FAs?

    My pitchers (most of these guys are not droppable but I want to give the whole picture) are: SPs: Eovaldi, Salazar, Teheran, Liriano, Fister and Cobb (one DL slot) and Bauer (no NA slot). RPs: Axford, Allen, Cecil, Broxton. Suggestions?

    Any idea why Showalter is evidently saying he hopes Wieters can play Wednesday? At the very least, wouldn’t they want to rest him a couple of days?

    Thanks!

    • @Enrique: I agree, interesting on what Buck said and Weiters had 2 hits last night. Can’t be that bad if he played last night..I am waiting for the medical report before making a move..

      • Principal Blackman says:
        (link)

        @Malicious Phenom: That’s what I’m thinking. If he had an MRI on Monday and then played on Tuesday, that’s a good sign, right? Also, how many friggin’ yachts does Dr. Freeze need to make payments on? Is he funneling money to armed insurgents in South America? WTF?

      • New Jersey Jays Fan says:
        (link)

        @Malicious Phenom:

        they can mabe dh him if he can still swing the bat well, than do the surgery in the offseason. Is that possible?

  16. Jenny Mejia worth a roster spot? over Khris Davis? or Carlos Martinez?

  17. Aaron says:
    (link)

    How ’bout those BJs using Stroman out of the pen in the 9th? They are in need of at least a couple of SPs right now and they yank him up from regular starts in the minors, only to pen him up?! I realize their bullpen suck TT too, but come the F on John!

    • New Jersey Jays Fan says:
      (link)

      @Aaron:

      Happ is pitching well in replacing Morrow, and they should be in first place if it wasnt for their bullpen, so right now the bull pen is the bigger issue. signed a jays fan (from new jersey of all places lol).

  18. My Minor Likes Female Pujols says:
    (link)

    Got offered Sal Perez for my Gattis. Wash, take it or reject? Don’t know why Gattis is getting so many rest days.

  19. Matt Pascale says:
    (link)

    I haven’t done this in 4 seasons BUT:
    12 man league, Classic 5×5 league – I’m in 8th

    c- Suzuki
    1 – Votto
    2 – Pedroia
    3-Miggy Cabreara
    SS – Segura
    OF – Cruz
    OF – Mart
    OF – Byrd
    UTL – Rendon
    UTL – Ozuna
    Bench – Aybar, Beltran, Lucroy, Rasmus (Recently dropped E. Young after Legures return)

    P – J Zimmermann
    P – Lynn
    P – Gio Gonzolaz
    P – Eovaldi
    P – Niese
    P – G. Richards
    RP – Reed, Cecil, Champman

    I feel like eventually this isn’t an 8th place team – I read you everyday and I’m wondering, thoughts??? Anyone!

    Suggestions welcome and thanks!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Matt Pascale: I wouldn’t have a four man bench, can’t imagine Richards is ownable in your league… Your infield will pick up, but your OF is a bit of a mess for that shallow of a league…

      • Matt Pascale says:
        (link)

        @Grey:

        Thanks – I will keep you posted. I need to trade for one OF’er for sure.