Our correspondent in St. Louis, Dan Pants, is reporting at 8:05 Eastern Standard Time, Ian Kennedy‘s fastball died. There’s still no official confirmation. Details are scant. Daniel Descalso is in questioning about the murder. Let’s go back now, and take a moment and recount the life of Ian Kennedy’s fastball. It originally came up in the Yankee organization, where it showed promise, but one two many times it was left out over the plate and hitters clobbered it. They didn’t quite murder it like last night. No, that was saved for a balmy night in St. Louis. Our thoughts and prayers are with the Kennedy family. Wait, now I understand they are transporting Daniel Descalso to another police station for questioning. Let’s go there now. Descalso, “I don’t know anything about the situation here. I am just a patsy. Ian Kennedy’s fastball’s died weeks ago in Cuba chasing Fidel Castro. I’d like legal representation.” Wait, is that Kubel… Descalso is down! Kubey’s in cuffs. Mayhem ensues. Hopefully, Ian Kennedy can find some peace on the Disgraceful List, where he’s surely headed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – Going to see Dr. Freeze. The news reports that it’s possible he could need surgery. Has anyone ever not needed surgery after going to see Dr. James Andrews? “I took a bath with Madoff, have hookers and blow to pay for, and not to mention this pastrami.” That was Dr. James Andrews oversharing with his waitress at Carnegie Deli. I wish I had known about Dr. James Andrews when I was in elementary school. “You didn’t study for your times tables? How about I prescribe torn labrum surgery?” “Sure, I can get you out of gym class, how’s reconstructive hip surgery sound?” “You know who never had the sniffles? Tommy John.” Obviously, there’s nothing you can do but wait on Harper now and hope for the best, but this could turn into a month-long absence. Pray that Dr. James Andrews is up-to-date with his Porsche payments.
Danny Espinosa – Had a cortisone shot in his broken wrist yesterday. He can’t pick up a bat, but he could hit 60 homers if MLB adopts punchball rules.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Obviously I take this start every day of the week and twice on Muesday, but he’s struggling to get deep into games and will be shut down in another two months. I’d still sell high if it’s an option. Member, Ian Kennedy’s fastball died so we could have choices.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He really kissed that one goodbye. Which is to say his mouth was full of Hersey’s Kisses when he was at the plate.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Right now, batting lead-off for the Cards is about as cushy as it is for the Tigers, only it doesn’t look it when you glance at the lineup. Every pitcher and position player that goes through the Cardinals system seems to outperform, or at least live up to their potential. Is there a better run organization? I’m seriously asking.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Get hot, you fargin’ icehole!
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He looked hot about three days ago, then he went 1-for-12 in the next two games. Hey, Gerardo, roll your wrists like you roll your R’s!
Miguel Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros. Ugh, the constant battle with myself with whether or not to throw marginal guys vs. the Astros. It’s like the Fight Club parking lot scene but I look like Brad Pitt from all angles. And no acne.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.43 ERA. The ace of the Astros has looked a lot better than the ace of a lot of other teams, but he’s been getting lucky with fly balls not leaving the park and unlucky with him being stuck in a park with the Astros.
Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 5 ER. The comparison between him and Yovani is pretty apt.
Mitch Moreland – To the DL with a hamstring strain. Yesterday, Mike Olt changed his Facebook picture to him in a Rangers uniform. Then the Rangers unfriended him and called up Chris McGuiness, who’s so Irish he didn’t stop at Guiness and added on the Mc. He will likely play 1st base vs. righties and carries a mollywhopping bat. He could hit bombs to any part of the field, but will struggle to hit for average. One thing the Rangers have no problem developing is all-or-nothing 1st basemen while always sticking with guys that hit like middle infielders. You’d think some of their scouts would take a hint. Less Chris Davis, more Micheal Young.
Derek Holland – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks and the no decision. That, right there, might be the best possible line for a guy you surely had on your bench since he was in Fenway.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer. I should’ve stopped at trading Choo for Beltre and never did the Machado for Price deal. This is truth, but the Choo/Beltre trade is working okay for me. On my team Beltre has 108 ABs, his line is 19/7/20/.380.
Jeff Baker – 1-for-4, 2 RBI and his 2nd homer in three games. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column, because, let’s face it, no one is picking him up outside of daily AL-Only leagues, but in those leagues he’s worth grabbing.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Big night for a guy coming back from a sore groin. Good to see his Ellsberries are feeling better.
Jonny Gomes – 4-for-5, 1 run. Didja you know around baseball clubhouses instead of saying tomato-tomahto they say Jonny-Jhonny. It’s pretty confusing.
Lucas Duda – Sat out with quad tightness. Duda’s Duda Duda day-to-day.
Tyler Cloyd – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Brewers. Why is Milwaukee suddenly the Marlins? Was Ryan Braun supplying the whole team? Is Scooter Gennett the evil incarnate and bringing bad juju to the whole team? Is Scooter Braun related to either of them? I got questions, y’all!
Domonic Brown – 2-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals. You know why he’s doing this, right? You know why, right? He’s doing this because Giancarlo’s hurt. It’s like when your buddy breaks up with his girl and you run into her at the mall and are like, “I always thought you should’ve been treated much better.” Domonic’s a dog!
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. If you can’t strikeout more than 3 White Sox– Shoot, if you can’t strikeout Dunn at least three times, I don’t have room for you, especially when you’re facing the Yankees next. Well, we had a good two game run, Straily, may the waiver door hit you where the good Lord split you.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 2 HRs, 100 Feet. With him and Puig being so exciting, MLB should do a tournament of all the best players in the world coming together to play. Call it the World Baseball Something. Haven’t figured out the last word yet.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals as he returns from the DL. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Keep refreshing the page and it will magically appear.
Dexter Fowler – Sat out with a migraine and flu. WebMd says he might have a tumor, but WebMD says that for everything.
Carl Crawford – His hamstring strain is fairly significant. That’s also how I used to introduce myself in bars when I was single, “Hey, how are you? I’m fairly significant.”
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. ManBearPuig!
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4. He’s had two hits every day since Sunday, which is two days after I told you to buy him. Yup.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in Safeco. Damn, I came so close to picking him up for this start. His 2/3 IP, 7 ER previous start vs. the Mariners kept gnawing at my craw. My craw, I tell ya!
Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer this week. Mauer only has 5 homers on the year. Ryan Doumit doesn’t even like baseball, he does this to pull the puppet strings on your catcher questions in the comments. You are Doumit’s puppet. He calls you Darla. You’re purple with green hair. You’re wearing overalls and a train conductor hat. He dresses you weird!
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Cain…Sugar! took about a month off, but sorta like Jed Lowrie, I’d prefer if he just got injured when he wasn’t going to hit. As the ladies like to say, I’m easy to please.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .231. Big V looks like a shell of his former self, like when you peel one of those cucumber face peels off in one full piece. (What, I can’t forget my 4 lady readers.) But Martinez has been getting unlucky and should still end the year with 15 homers and a .280 average. Okay, so that’s what John Buck did in April.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. I’ve thought about what Max and our kids would look like. Would they have two different color eyes? Maybe they’d just have hazel eyes. Would they look like little Golems and I’d have to bandage their entire bodies before school every day? They’d have to have natural athletic ability because of Max and I ran track (that’s what I called running from bullies). I wonder what we’d call him if he was a girl. Sheila? Anibal?