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“If you don’t look good, I don’t look good,” said famed hairstylist Vidal Sassoon, as he was trying to get his son, Bob, to take off denim overalls and put on something else. Affronted, Bob Sassoon later took on his father’s hair empire, literally head-on, when Bob started manufacturing baby wigs. “When they emerge from the womb, they should look da bomb,” said Bob Sassoon, managing to make that awkward bomb/womb rhyme. Unfortunately, his baby wig business went belly up after two months with loses totaling twelve million dollars. The story, thankfully, doesn’t end there for the Sassoons. A disgraced Bob changed his last name to Brujan, and named his firstborn son, Vidal, vowing now to capture the hair dye/shampoo market. Again, much to Bob’s chagrin, Vidal Brujan became a baseball player, not a hair stylist, and Bob again disowned a Vidal right before he was about to become wildly successful. Any hoo! Here’s what Prospect Itch has said about Brujan previously, “It’s rare enough for a 40-steal player to enter our game. Even rarer to find one who hits enough to earn himself regular playing time. Rarer still to find one who speaks five languages. I mention this last piece because language learning requires the same determination needed for the grind of baseball. You’re going to make mistakes. Might look like an idiot. Might often feel dumb. But you have to keep putting yourself out there. And as long as you stay positive and focus on the long term, you can improve a little bit every day. In 2014, Tampa signed Brujan out of the Dominican Republic for $15,000. He was illiterate at the time. Now: five languages. Grey can’t speak one.” Tough but fair, tee bee aitch. Brujan is on the 40-man roster and coming our way very soon. He will be an immediate impact guy for fantasy in all leagues, and should be picked up now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mike Zunino – Would’ve listed William Contreras here, if I hadn’t for the last three weeks. Also, I would’ve listed Gary Sanchez, since he will get DH at-bats with Giancarlo out, but he’s over 50% rostered, so do a reverse Mike drop, and we’re Zunino’ing Zunino.
Bobby Dalbec – His last name sounds like a brown wine that is half beer. Did I just invent something genius? Will be trademarking this, don’t try to steal it. So, need power from a corner? Why didn’t you draft better? I kid, Dalbec’s a good grab.
Yandy Diaz – Sometimes to laugh, I look at Yandy Diaz’s Launch Angle. Oddly enough, to cry I look at Juan Soto’s Launch Angle. Any hoo! Diaz has been hot.
Andrew Vaughn – This is pretty borderline on whether or not he’s rostered in your league. My data shows he’s available in 52% of ESPN leagues, and 0% of RCLs, and there’s 80% of ESPN leagues that are already abandoned, so Vaughn is held in 99% of leagues, and available in only one league that is a 12-team league and all twelve teams are owned by Tony La Russa.
Connor Joe – For not including Connor Joe last week, I took some heat, which was awesome because my toes were cold! Where’d you come from where’d you go where’d you come from Connor Joe?!
Nico Hoerner – The Cubs’ manager David Dinguss is still trying Rizzo or Contreras at leadoff or what? You have to be very dumb to be an MLB manager, huh? Hoerner had seemingly opened Dinguss’s eyes prior to his IL stint, but then returned to hitting 7th or 8th. It was ten days ago, Dinguss can’t remember we already went through this? Contreras or whoever isn’t a leadoff hitter.
Kyle Farmer – From Dinguss to Bell, the Ding Dong, and starting Farmer every day Votto’s out as their 1st baseman, and putting him in the top three spots in the order, where Votto would’ve hit. Farmer and Bell makes me hungry for a meal of common sense.
Nick Maton – As I previously pointed out, Nic Maton is a poor man’s David Fletcher. I will call him David Retcher.
Jonathan Schoop – He’s the type of guy I grab as soon as he hits one home run, because more tend to follow. Then you just have to know when to move on. Also, some unsolicited advice for him, go by Johnny Schoop. That sounds badass. Like a long-range sniper in the Seals. Mark Wahlberg would hang out with a Johnny Schoop. A Johnny Schoop has women hanging off his arms as he does the Stray Cat Strut. Johnny Schoop retires from active duty to become a stunt man. Damn that Johnny Schoop is cool!
Josh Fuentes – Are the Rockies in Coors? Then commence the Josh-ing.
Jonathan Villar – With the Mets struggling to stay on the field, it opens a large, productive hole in their lineup for Villar to steal eight bags in the last two weeks, and add in three homers. What, you want me to frequent a vague fortune teller? No lie: I went with Brujan as the lede, because he’s sexier, but Villar was in the running, and will likely be more productive, for at least this week.
Brandon Crawford – Not gonna spend much time here, because I don’t believe he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues.
Luis Barrera – Here’s what I said the other day, “A’s prospect being called up. Lefty outfielder, who is speed first, and line drives second, walks third, power way after fourth, like sixth, but there’s no fourth and fifth. Not sure Barrera has a place to play, but why call him up? Worth a monocle for possible steals.” And that’s me quoting me!
Khalil Lee – Likely at most a steals-play in deeper leagues. You know there’s another place to speed? Cruising out on the Johnes HWY. There’s no pit stops out there, so make sure you stop Fargas.
Odubel Herrera – Still an Old Dirty Bastard, but on the 7-day Player Rater, ODB has been solid. Also, Yonathan Daza was hot in Coors, and now goes back. Clearly, a Hittertron call too on Daza, like the call it makes to Best Buy to breathe heavy at the microwaves.
Taylor Ward – Or Jo Adell. Or Brandon Marsh. Whomever is promoted, though all signs are pointing to neither, and it’s Ward’s job. So. Dot dot dot. Taylor Ward. Yeah. Well. He has playing time and homered yesterday. Too bad Jerry Blevins retired, Ward could teach him a thing or two.
Alex Kirilloff – Was activated today. Do you need wonderful, and, if not, why?
Harrison Bader – As I sorta alluded to in the Zunino blurb, I’m gonna be done with recommending Bader soon, and just assume people don’t want him. Which hurts my feelings, but what do you care? You shellfish, crab! Take it, Highlights, it’s yours.
Alek Manoah – Yes, also Duran, Josh Lowe, yadda-blabbity-bloo, all the rookies I’ve mentioned previously, they’re all still grabs, but Manoah might be the most pressing now that it appears he might come up in the next few days vs. weeks. Podcaster Geoff, who knows a lot about prospects, thinks Manoah is *the* arm this year to get called up, better than Gilbert (hopefully, huh?) or MacKenzie Gore. Rookie pitchers don’t excite me as much as hitters — hello, roofies — but I’d give Manoah a start or two whirl like I did Gilbert.
Mike Minor – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the National Conservation of Inuit Language and Culture.
Brady Singer – This is also a Streamonator call. “How many words do the Eskimos have for ‘lonely robot?'” Ugh, Streamonator so sad!
Tyler Rogers – I stood by while Hendricks, Hendriks and Hendrix pitched. Bit my tongue when Jeurys and Johneshwy were on the same team. Looked the other way when they arbitrarily went with Zac, Zach or Zack. Now I’ve had as much as I can stand when you’re telling me there’s a Tyler Rogers and Taylor Rogers, and they’re both potential closers. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take (tak, taek, tach) it anymore!
Jordan Romano – *passing a guy doing the pepper grinder, backing that thang up doing the Romano, a dance that looks like a waiter grating cheese* Rafael Dolis is back in that pen too, and why can’t managers just choose a closer? The answer: They’re dumb.
Michael Fulmer – It’s comical I had Fulmer in all leagues about three weeks ago, because I liked him as a starter. Only to drop him once he was moved to the bullpen, because I didn’t want a random middle reliever, but I needed saves, and now he’s getting saves. Comedy = tragedy plus saves.
Hansel Robles – Twins could get a lot of save chances, and they’re currently turning to Robles, a guy who is famous for pointing into the sky to signal his infielders the ball is up in the air, only for that ball to soar out of the stadium for a home run. Not once either. He does it just about every time. Again, tragedy plus saves = comedy.
SELL
Kris Bryant – Okay, I’m of two minds here, like The Man With Two Brains, not the Steve Martin film, but conjoined twins who played doubles tennis at my high school. I’m still rooting for you, John/Jon! Wonder how conJohned are doing. Any hoo! My thoughts with Bryant are two-fold, like that cheap toilet paper. He’s lowered his Launch Angle from the absurd 20.7 it was in 2020. Thankfully. He was rocking a Launch Angle that produced only 205-foot routine pop-ups to the outfield all of last year. It was bad. His Launch Angle is now 14-ish and that’s actually the flattest it’s ever been. It’s solid. He’s now close to a 27-homer, .275 hitter with 5-ish steals. Yes, you heard that right, he’s basically Anthony Santander. I wouldn’t sell Kris Bryant for George Brett game-worn pants, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
