This year’s team is unlike anything I’ve ever done, and I think it’s legal. I’m not saying that like when you were drunk in college trying to get laid. I didn’t play Montell Jordan and try to body-rock Scott Pianowski. Fantasy sports has never got anyone laid ever. Actually, something a lot of people don’t know: If you say you play fantasy baseball, a genie comes and removes a notch from your belt. You lose conquests. This is true. Any hoo! I was in New York for the annual Tout Wars draft. It’s a 12-team NL-Only, two-catcher, 5×5 with OBP no AVG, $260 budget auction league with a $1000 FAAB in-season, and, boy, is this gonna look weird to you, if you know anything about A) How I draft. B) How to draft an NL-Only league. C) There’s no C. Anyway, here’s my 2024 NL-Only Tout Wars draft with thoughts:
C: Keibert Ruiz – $15
C: Christian Bethancourt – $3
1B: Matt Olson – $38
2B: Luis Arraez – $12
SS: Oneil Cruz – $25
3B: Tyler Black – $1
OF: Corbin Carroll – $38
OF: Bryan De La Cruz – $12
OF: LaMonte Wade Jr. – $8
OF: Garrett Mitchell – $3
Infielder: Orlando Arcia – $8
UTIL: Shohei Ohtani – $41
Swingman: Dylan Carlson – $1
Swingman: Edward Olivares – $1
Bench: Tyrone Taylor, Ji Hwan Bae, Emmanuel Rivera, Thomas Saggesse
P: Camilo Doval – $23
P: Adbert Alzolay – $13
P: A.J. Minter – $4
P: Seranthony Dominguez – $3
P: Giovanny Gallegos – $3
P: Justin Lawrence – $3
P: Ryan Brasier – $1
P: Adam Ottavino – $1
P: Taylor Rogers – $1
OKAY, LETS SEE YOUR WAR ROOM TOTALS—HOLD UP! THAT’S THE DUMBEST DRAFT I’VE EVER SEEN! DID YOU FALL OFF THE STUPID TREE AND HIT EVERY DUMB BRANCH ON THE WAY DOWN?
Fair enough, Mr. Al Caps.
FAIR ENOUGH?! FAIR ENOUGH IS YOUR DEFENSE?! OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE STARTERS, BUT YOU LITERALLY PUNTED THEM?!
Okay, you may ask yourself, “What is that beautiful house?” You may ask yourself, “Where does that highway go to?” And you may ask yourself, “What on earth is Grey doing?” All fair questions; nice oversized suit, by the way.
So, I didn’t invent this strategy. How’s the saying go, good artists copy, great artists steal? I’m a great artist, baby! While I was at my LABR draft in Florida two weeks ago, I saw Doug Dennis of Baseball HQ, and someone mentioned he won the AL-Only Tout Wars league the last two years, so, through gritted teeth, I congratulated him, and he said, “You don’t know how I won, do you?” Arrogantly, I said something like, “I barely have time for my teams, I’m not keeping up with other teams or leagues I’m not in.” So, he then began to explain:
PLEASE LET THIS SHAGGY STORY GO SOMEWHERE. I AM BEGGING.
In the pandemic year, Mike Gianella of Baseball Prospectus decided to do an RPs-only strategy, and the powers that be at Tout Wars agreed that the IP limit should be lifted for a shortened season. Only problem is when we went back to 162-game seasons, no one changed the IP limit back. Now you might be thinking, “Okay you giant dope, but there’s not 60 games being played this year unless you’re an epidemiologist and know something I don’t know. You punted starters!” Right, so back to Doug Dennis. He explains to me in Florida how he’s done this strategy the last two years—actually three years now (this weekend too). Why would someone do this three years in a row? Here’s the twist to wrap your pretzel head around.
Again: He’s won the last two years!
He is punting starters and dominating saves and ratios on pitching. You can get 400 IP of around a 3.00 ERA and the best closest team has 3.50 ERA. You can get a 1.10 WHIP and 2nd place gets 1.20+.
FANTASTIC! YOU CAN WIN THREE CATEGORIES! YOU’RE GETTING ONES IN WINS AND STRIKEOUTS!
Strikeouts indeed. You are punting those. Wins might actually surprise you. How many wins does A.J. Minter get this year vs., say, A.J. Puk? Or pitchers not named Arange Juice. Either way, wins are fluky. You know what’s not fluky? May I present you my war room:
My hitting is going to dominate.
So, the two Swingman slots in this league can be used for pitchers or hitters. People will be using them for pitchers–I used to do it! You chase Ks and Wins with those slots. Every other team in this league will be chasing innings. The problem with chasing innings is it kills your ratios. While others are chasing wins and Ks, I can get even more hitting counting stats.
I might be a Ding Dong Merchant from Planet Rube, but I don’t think it’s going to be close in any hitting category. I’m going to lap people in runs and RBIs by 100+, and likely HRs and SBs will be similarly lopsided. This is how it was with Doug the last two years, when he walked away with the AL-Only version of this league. Here’s his team for this year:
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU WON ALREADY. DID YOU MESS ANYTHING UP? BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS MESS SOMETHING UP.
I should’ve spent even more on hitting. This was my first year doing this strategy, so I wasn’t sure exactly how things would play out. I could’ve acquired a real 3rd baseman and spent only $1 on each RP after my top two vs $3 and $4 and would’ve been fine. I had a $220/$40 split going in and got nervous mid-draft and spent a little more on RPs.
IF THIS WORKS, WON’T IT FEEL LIKE CHEATED?
Yes.
As I was saying to some people after the draft, I want to win and have them change the rule to stop people from doing this again or I want to lose and be proven wrong, because it really felt like a cheat code.
Barring stupid injuries, no one can compete with me in eight of ten categories. Then, throw in this wrinkle: When FAAB hits, I don’t need to bid on SPs. So, say Dylan Cease was traded this week vs. last (he was drafted, this is an example). He would’ve went for around $300 in FAAB. I would’ve bid zero. I will only bid on hitters and RPs. Oh, and no one bids on RPs unless they’re getting saves, so I have little-to-no competition for guys like Sexy Middle Reliever On Waivers.
In the draft, this strategy also had crazy implications too. Everyone was bidding on starters like there was 12 teams needing starters. Their values were incorrect. Someone mentioned they had Miles Mikolas for $6 on their sheet and got him for $2. Yeah, because I wasn’t bidding on any starters. People didn’t realize what I was doing until more than halfway and I’m
not sure you can adjust at that point.
MY HEAD HURTS AND…[RUBBING TEMPLES]…I NEED A NAP.
Remember, if I win, it was all me. If I lose, I blame Mike Gianella and Doug Dennis.
