If you’re squeamish, don’t watch the video of Tim Hudson getting hurt. That’s what they say. This is like saying, “Your Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus) presents are under the tree (Star of David, Star Jones, pole) and they’re unwrapped, but don’t look at them.” Is there anyone in the history of mankind who’s ever heard the phrase “don’t watch this because it’s too gruesome” and has actually stopped watching it. That sentence is brain crack! It’s like your brain neurons suddenly start moving around like a Roomba in a closet, bumping into the sides, trying to get out. So, with that said, I wouldn’t watch it. Hudson will need surgery and is out for the year. Well, if Eric Young was gonna step on his foot like THAT I wouldn’t have been speculating for two months who was going to get bumped for Brandon Beachy. I’ve been saying for the last two months that I don’t own Beachy. I think he’s going to give a lot less than what you’re expecting. Tommy John surgery causes most pitchers to lose control when they first return, and Beachy has a 5+ BB/9 in the minors. That would be near the worst in the major leagues. Edinson Volquez looks at that walk rate and says, “Whoa, pardner.” You know the guy from Shadesville at the horse track who goes around picking up discarded race tickets hoping to find a winner, if you pick up Beachy, you might resemble that guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer. He hits every single ball hard. Again, with extra emphasis on the douchey… Every. Single. Ball. Hard. He hits ropes. He doesn’t foul balls off. He effs balls up. I picked him up. Yes, I’m currently carrying two catchers, but I’m playing Gattis in the outfield until he either stops hitting or Upton returns.
Dan Uggla – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer as he bats .203. True story: Uggla was shopping at the mall for some new Ed Hardy shirts and he got lost, so he went to the security guard and asked for his dad to be paged, and when they did that Adam Dunn came to get him.
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Looks like we got a hot schmotato, y’all!
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4. I just got off the phone with January Grey and told him I’ve mentioned Byrd about 20 times in the last month and he didn’t believe it. Then again, he was high on Valium and in a Nicaraguan jail.
Neftali Feliz – Almost ready for a rehab assignment and could return in September. Feliz said through a translator, “I’m happy.”
Josh Hamilton – Got a cortisone shot in his ankle. He’s now my first pick in my fantasy kickball league.
Jered Weaver – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 hits), 9 Ks vs. the Twins. This was an easy matchup, but his ERA is now down to 2.98. All I’m saying is one day the FIP Gods will pay him a visit, probably when they’re done giving Matt Cain swirlies.
Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 BBs, 1 K and the save. He looked hella shaky if anyone under the age of 35 who isn’t trying to sound younger than they are says hella. Think the Angels have too much riding on this season to not at least try to improve themselves at the trading deadline and one area that could be is in the bullpen. Cust kayin’.
Ryan Vogelsong – Will begin a rehab assignment on Friday in High-A San Jose. Won’t be the first time someone’s took out the RV from San Fran to San Jose looking for a high, eh?
Chad Gaudin – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Geez, can’t remember the last time he looked that bad. Oh, wait, I know! When he was sexually assaulting an ER patient on a gurney. That’s right!
Hunter Pence – 5-for-5, 1 RBI. This gangly freak bird will out hustle your grandmother for hard candies.
Brett Anderson – Threw a bullpen session and could return in about a month, assuming there’s no setbacks. Though, Anderson and setbacks are like pees and poops.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4 as he returned to the lineup. Can’t believe he’s still batting .227. It’s the Curse of Marla Gibbs! As I’ve said many times before, he should be hitting better than that, so I’d still go after him.
John Jaso – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, but left the game after being hit in the mask. After the game, his mom played by Cher, tended to him.
Coco Crisp – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer. Coco Crisp is sweet, but he’s no breakfast treat like this. I’m about to change my donate button to me nom-nom-nom’ing on that. Grey nom-nom! Grey nom-nom! Grey, well, you know.
Alfredo Jettuccine Griffin – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Alfredo matched his season high for strikeouts, but it was against the Asstros, so anything less wouldn’t have been acceptable. Since he’s going home next, he has another solid start, according to the Stream-o-Nator. And me, FWIWerth.
Ryan Cook – Notched the save yesterday, but it doesn’t mean anything moving forward, except he’s obviously the handcuff in case something happens to Balfour or if you’re just into some kinky shizz.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (24). You know that expression “short arms and deep pockets?” That’s a real problem for Altuve.
Jonathan Villar – 0-for-4. Drop him! Kidding. Or am I? Yeah, I am. Though, strikeouts are going to be a problem for him, and, in addition, ergo, forward-thinking, henceforth, so will his average.
Bud Norris – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Pretty marginal 12-team mixed league starter thus far this year with a 3.93 ERA, no matter how many times Lincecum tells us this Bud is good.
Carlos Corporan – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Don’t you always want to call him Sergeant Corporan? Eh, maybe it’s me.
Domonic Brown – Out with concussion symptoms. I wish I could sit here and say this is a nice breather for him — and I am sitting — but, when I heard the news, I briefly considered dropping him immediately. Not only do players not return from these stupid concussions in the allotted 7-day DL time, they sometimes take years to recover. We’ll find out on Friday how serious it is. Form a prayer octagon with me.
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs. The party will come to an end for Adams with Holliday returning on Saturday, but in the mean’s while you can hold this Rubenesque beaut. That’s not Ruben Studdard. But he would count, too.
Prince Fielder – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Prince’s owners are like, “Don’t rush back, Miggy!” Miggy’s owners are like, “We’re coming back tomorrow!” Then that goes back and forth until both are exhausted.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer. Crazy how excited I was about him in April, then an injury derailed the g’dness. Hopefully he can finish strong. Like 259-for-260 with 40 homers and 40 steals. Too much to ask for?
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. With the departing of Jonathan Sanchez, I think Anibal should get the Filthy Sanchez nickname passed down to him. All those in favor say, “Aye.” The ayes have it!
Alejandro De Aza – 3-for-4 and his 12th steal. If only players you wanted to trade started turning on the gas like that. I’d be like, “Jimmy Rollins, Salvador Perez, player who fills in at MI that I’m about to grab off waivers I wanna trade you.”
Dayan Viciedo – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Two homers in the last three games. Grab him right now. For serious.
Brandon Morrow – Will have his forearm reexamined. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think his forearm was working with Dr. James Andrews to bring in more patients.
Michael Bourn – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He hit it off the one they call Noesi. Jon Niese, “Hey, I wasn’t even playing!”
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s hitting .251 on the year with 5 steals, which obviously makes for a yawnstipating year thus far. He isn’t getting unlucky and his peripherals don’t scream that he should be doing better, so there’s no guarantees here, but I would think he’s got at least one extended streak in him. (BTW, who else has added to their computer spellcheck yawnstipating, sonavabench and schmotato? Just me? Figured. BTW II, why on earth isn’t spellcheck in the spellcheck? You messing with me right now, computer?)
Carlos Santana – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. He has 11 homers on the year with a .272 average. Slightly crazy how low he is for catchers on our Player Rater. Quite a few names there above him that you wouldn’t think.
Scott Kazmir – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 7 Ks, 3.96 ERA. His start could’ve warranted a lede today, but I gave him one already and not much has changed since then. He has solid matchup potential here and there, but he’s still very risky every time out.
Matt Garza – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks against not-your-slightly-older-brother’s Yankees. I’m not sure how Garza was able to get through the meat of the Yankees lineup with Overbay, Wells and Eduardo Nunez at 4, 5 and 6. Luck, I guess. It’s Murderer’s Row, as in you wanna murder someone if you’re a Yankee fan.
A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Okay, if he was in Texas, then who’s this A.J. Pollock in Arizona?
Jacob Turner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors. Is it me or did they depressurize Coors Field this year? Jorge de la Rosa (6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks) has a 2.97 ERA on the year, and there’s solid game after solid game being thrown in the city on the hill that is a mile above that other hill. I’m too programmed to not bench every single guy throwing in Coors, but I could see loosing up that credo in H2H leagues where stats revert on Monday and you need to gamble.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 1-for-5 with his 7th steal. He’s hitting over .400 in the last week and has three straight games with a steal. He’s usually hot garbage under the hood of your car in the summer, but he is hitting now.
Donovan Solano – 3-for-4 and 5 for his last 8. He lost his starting job earlier in the year due to being shoddy with a chance for meatballs, but in the preseason he was a guy that had some modest promise with his light speed (not speed of light), light power and modest average skills, and with Dietrich gone, Solano has a chance again.
Bryce Harper – Missed yesterday’s game due to treatment on his knees and it might not heal until the offseason. I added the last part, but I think it’s fair to infer a little. But when you infer a lot, you make an in out of a fer-a-lot. Huh?
Ross Detwiler – Out a month with a pinched nerve. The noive!
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, moving his ERA to 2.85 and his win-loss record to…wait for it…here it comes…hmm, where did I put it?…is it in the glove compartment?…oh, crap, when I got in the car I left it on the roof and drove off…turning around…pulling to the side of the road…stop honking!…here it is…Strasburg’s record is 5-8. Um, Strasburp?
Jayson Werth – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer and fifth homer in the last four days. I liked him better when I didn’t own him and his wrist was hurting.
Francisco Liriano – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, 2.23 ERA. I definitely could’ve trusted him a lot quicker this year. Oh, well. Win some, pray Jeff Locke keeps his ERA at 2.11 all year in others.
David Price – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway. I’m not ready to say I won the trade of Machado for Price after his 41 IP in July and 1.76 ERA, but I will if he’s got two more months up his sleeve like that. N8nbdsncs…Oops, sorry, will cross my fingers when I’m done typing.
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting .322. If each homer knocks him up 7 spots in next year’s draft, each steal has to add at least 3 spots.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. You know how every year you draft Wieters and you’re like, “He was good in the 2nd half last year, so he’s gonna break out this year,” then he does nothing until July? I’m beginning to think he’s a 2nd half hitter. Elementary my dear Razzball reader!
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and a 2.78 ERA, and he’s owned in 13% of leagues. Y’all are taking too long to add him. Cat got your arms?
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two, yes, TWO homers. Don’t look now but someone’s having a star mitzvah.
Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, 3.06 ERA. And I drafted Gallardo for my third starter… *coats body in marshmallow topping, lays down in a giant red ant farm* Have at me!
Matt Kemp – Placed on the DL. Hey, at least he’s cementing a solid reason why you lost your league.
Mark Ellis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Yesterday, I pointed out how he’s hitting over .500 in the last week. Today, I point you to what I said yesterday. Tomorrow, Egypt! Or whatever that expression is. (Is it an expression? Hmm, maybe not.)
Andre Ethier – 4-for-6, 2 RBIs, but what about PUIG-interrobang-interrobang-interrobang. Ethier will keep playing until Kemp gets his lady parts checked out, so he could be a nice short-term add.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I don’t want any part of going against the Dodgers right now either (Ethier?), but I would start Latos today. Gotta roll your top guys out — ride or die!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Au Shizz!
Nate Schierholtz – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 13th homer. I grabbed him yesterday thanks to the Hitter-Tron, and I only had to let the horny robot fondle my microwave for that advice. Win-win!
Junior Lake – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Due to Domonic Brown being sidelined, I’m actually bummed Lake doesn’t have outfield eligibility. That’s right, I’m not happy with shortstop eligibility. I’m greedy, y’all!
Nick Hundley – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer and 2nd in as many games. The unrelated Todd Hundley would be so proud. A chip off the ol’ not-block! That’s what Todd would say. I’d grab Nick in deeper leagues if you’re struggling at catcher, but he’s nothing but a temporarily hot bat.
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Padres. With a no-Braun lineup taking on the Nadir Bupkis-led Padres, let’s just be glad someone was able to score and finish this game.
Jim Henderson – Got the save yesterday to silence his critics. Better than shushing really loud, I guess.
Norichika Aoki – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his third straight game with a steal. The best thing to ever happen to Aoki was Braun getting suspended. Suspend Carlos Gomez (4-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal) too and Aoki will light up the world. Aoki obviously relies on the ancient Japanese art of play-vicariously-through-kakke. Which doesn’t sound good when pronounced aloud.
