Jordan Beck for Fantasy Baseball

At the Consumer Electronics Show this past year in Vegas, Rockies manager Bud Black was there showcasing his newest sunglasses, they’re called ProspBlockers. Here, I’ll let you hear it directly from the man on his infomercial. “Sick of seeing upside? When you look forward are you sick of ‘looking forward to better things?’ I know exactly how you feel! Throw on these ProspBlockers and block out all bright spots!” A little kid steps out, “Is that Sean Bouchard?” Bud offers him the ProspBlockers, “Here, try these.” The little kid reacts favorably and says happily, “Oh, wow, that’s Charlie Blackmon about to get 500 at-bats!” So, with Nolan Jones headed to the IL, one of the Rockies’ top prospects Jordan Beck was called up. He has a statline of 5/5/.307 in 25 games and 16.5% Barrel%; 91.3 MPH average exit velo and 15% walk rate. Will any of this matter? Hold on [dons ProspBlockers] Wow, is that Kris Bryant playing left field while sitting in a Barcalounger on wheels? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Correa – 0-for-4, as he was activated from the IL. That gets him one step closer to his next IL stint!

Jhoan Duran – Will be activated today from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I called Julie in HR a wench because I went to a RenFaire this weekend.”

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 4th homer in the last five games. Move over Senzel, we have a new hot schmotato!

Garrett Crochet – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Guess what his ERA is at. Go ahead! You know vaguely people want him so what could it be? 4 even? 3.75? Bzzt, wrong-o! It’s 5.97! On a team that’s gonna lose 110 games? You really want that? Y’all lost your mind.

Craig Kimbrel – Day-to-day suffering from upper back tightness. If you’re speculating, well, Danny Coulombe (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.18) of the fancy Coulombe coffee chain secured his 1st save last night, and Yennier Cano (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.25, who worked the 8th) should’ve been rostered for the last two years. He’s the Yenniest.

Kyle Bradish – Him and John Means are supposedly returning this week. “Wha’ happened?” That’s the person who just spent FAAB on Albert Suarez.

Gunner Henderson – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. You can’t spell Gunnar Henderson without “greatest” — or maybe you can, but you shouldn’t be able to.

Grayson Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Grayson Rodriguez and Tony Arnold are the only pitchers in Orioles franchise history to not allow a run in their first 12 innings against the Yankees since earned runs became official in both leagues in 1913. Amazing how many perks Roseanne was able to get her then-husband.

Tyler Nevin – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, third homer in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!

Joe Boyle – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 6.08. Streamonator loved Boyle yesterday (and liked his opponent a bit less, Bailey Falter, 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22).

Luis Severino – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Day-yum. Extra helpings of yum. [opens Severino’s stats page] Okay, I think I’ve had enough yum for one day. Severino clearly looks good on the surface level, but his below the surface stats look incredibly yawnstipating. But if you’re not starting a guy with a barely-2 ERA, then your league is too shallow. In grand scheme, he’s a sell if you could find a buyer.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Nimmo found one! (And he’s hitting .206, so that’s been a super rare occurrence so far, maybe this is him coming out of it).

Jameson Taillon – 7 1/3 IP, 4 hits, 1 walk, 1 K, ERA at 1.50. His sample size is still way too small — that’s what she said derisively! — so hard to take anything away for that — she said that too, and she’s not being very nice!

Christopher Morel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .212. Like I’m on Beat Bobby Flay, “Get smoking hot you freakin’ Morel!”

Max Fried – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.02 vs. Bryce Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.04. This start was billed as, “Max/Miller, So It Goes, RIP.” By the by, someone asked yesterday if they should start Miller at Atlanta, which does sound awful, and I told them no. How’sever, Streamonator loved this start by Miller yesterday, because it was in Seattle, where of course you should start him. Home or away is one of the most important pieces of the equation.

Mitch Garver – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Actually, Mitch did kill my vibe because I had AJ Minter, who allowed this homer and blew the save.

Nick Lodolo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.88. Lodolo is a slightly more fragile Tyler Glasnow.

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4, and his 8th homer. Yikes, no steals? Cruz missile? More like Lose Loser!

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Just dropped him before this game for Senzel. Live by the schmotato, die by the schmotato.

Matt Waldron – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Was very close to picking up Waldron for his two-start week, but his peripherals are pretty bleh, and I just had to have Yariel Rodriguez. Sigh.

James Paxton – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, 5 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51. The Dodgers are NBD’ing along, and Paxton has a 5.3 K/9, 7.7 BB/9 and 6.23 xFIP.

Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12. I’d say there’s so many starters to choose from but I get the sense people are starting to tire of that act, so I merely say INFER!

Jason Adam – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.29, and his 1st save, and two games ago someone else on the Rays got a save and tomorrow someone else will and–do you see the pattern? Because I don’t.

Bryse Wilson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Bryse Wilson reappears once a year with a solid start, then disappears again. Like a streamer groundhog.

Jesus Luzardo – Supposedly dealing with a flexor muscle strain. Welp, maybe I shouldn’t have dropped him. Oopsie! He might be back in May.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hopefully this hot streak doesn’t culimate like all his previous ones with a 60-day IL stint.

Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Between Jake and Cole Irvin, Streamonator‘s about to become, “Which Irvin is today”-o-nator.

Jacob Young – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th and 12th steal. I’m falling hard and fast for this guy. Emphasis on fast. Steal bases and tell me secrets, Mr. Young! I love your SAGNOF!

CJ Abrams – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (6), hitting .297. Corange Juice Abrams or Julio Rodriguez? Seriously.

Yariel Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.11. The dreaded “two start starter week where you pray for an injury so they don’t make their second start.”

Justin Turner – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Ah, yes, the Blue Jays aka Justin Turner’s team.

Danny Jansen – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Sorry, a clarification for Vlad and Bo, the Jays are Justin Turner and Jansen’s team now.

Jo Adell – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .321. Seven was Adell’s lucky number, as in seven posts, as in post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper and he’s finally busting out.

Aaron Hicks – Designated for assignment. This might be the end of the road for Hicks because the Angels are one of the worst run teams and they’re DFA’ing him so–Wait a second [lowers ProspBlockers] Aaron Hicks would look mighty good manning center in Colorado!