One of the questions from Bernard Pivot by way of James Lipton is, “If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say at the pearly gates?” That’s easy, “Play ball!” Today, butterflies fly north for the summer, birds and bees have sex to John Fogerty’s Centerfield, and Carlos Quentin is already injured. *slowly smells in a flower* Ahh…Shin-Soo Choo! Stupid allergies. With spring in the air and baseballs in mitts, we’re back in the swing of things. Literally. Sadly, it’s not all good news. With Opening Day comes the news that Clayton Kershaw is starting the year on the DL. Aw, that makes me so sad. Wait, that’s not sadness, that’s happiness. Darn, my emotion detector needs recalibration. My first Sell of the year doesn’t look so bad right now. I feel like Ace Ventura right after he shows up all the other cops. Yes, I have exorcised the demons! The Dodgers are saying it was precautionary and Kershaw will be back shortly. If you own him, I wouldn’t sell him for fifty cents on the dollar. I’d take out my rosary beads and pray to the Patron Saint of Baseball, Ryan Church. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Kemp – Announced to the world he was ready to play. And with that news, the Dodgers put him on the DL. I’m not joking.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks and his 2nd start in 3 games of the baseball season. Ryu’s now on pace for 47,000 scoreless innings, which would be a record.
Josh Beckett – Won the 5th starter job defeating Paul Maholm. I wouldn’t be calling that cap feather macaroni, Beckett.
Carlos Quentin – Placed on the DL. On Quentin’s tombstone, it’s gonna read that.
Chris Denorfia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a batty call for me! Should see an increase in playing time with Quentin sidelined. Which is great for leagues where you can only own players that sound like they have girl names, and, with a P, Denorfia is pinafored, which is just sexy. For other deep leagues, he’s fine for light power and speed that won’t kill you in average.
Seth Smith – 1-for-1 as The Lisper’s Nightmare went deep when he pinch-hit in the 8th. Juth thuper!
Tommy Medica – 1-for-3 as he started in left field. Looks like he could be in a platoon with The Lisper’s Nightmare, and maybe Denorfia too. Medica has nice power and should fit in perfect in San Diego because he sounds like a Tijuana farmacia. He might only hit for .230, but worth a look in deeper leagues.
Yasmani Grandal – Didn’t start and is returning from reconstructive knee surgery, but he got into the game and stole a base because OBPwulf gots shizz to prove!
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. I decided I would just enjoy baseball this year and not get wrapped up in whether or not I owned guys, then the first pitch was thrown and that went out the window. Get Cashner some runs! Jesus! Not Guzman!
Casey Janssen – To the DL with a back strain that he’s been nursing since the day before I told you to draft Sergio Santos on all your teams, which was about five weeks ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if Janssen is out for a few weeks, returns, is ineffective and Santos is the closer for the season. Those in deep leagues can also grab Delabar, which is also where Posdnuos keeps his kombucha.
David Hernandez – Torn UCL. That usually means Tommy John surgery. Or as Dr. James Andrews calls it, “Lamborghini lease payment.”
Chris Owings – Named the starting shortstop. The Gregorius D.I.D. asked Kirk Gibson for one more chance saying he was “not only a client,” but the “player president.”
Mat Latos – Hopes to return mid-April, which will bump Alfredo Simon from the rotation. Weird, usually Alfredo Simon is the one bumping people off.
Devin Mesoraco – Placed on the 15-day DL with an oblique strain. Brayan Pena will be the everyday catcher, fresh off his hit PBS cooking show, “Brayan Can Cook, But Can’t Hit.”
Alex Presley – Astros will likely platoon Presley in right field with Hoes. Sounds like a weird Vegas mash-up show. All they need now is the Jabbawockeez.
Gordon Beckham – To the DL with a strained oblique. His fill-in, Marcus Semien, is worth a look in deeper leagues. He has 15-homer power and 15-steal speed, and contrary to his name won’t leave an unmanageable stain on your team.
Colby Lewis – Expected to join the rotation on April 11th. At that point, Ron Washington will probably move Tanner Scheppers to the bullpen for a day, then back to the rotation, then Neal Cotts to 3rd base, then Yu Darvish to bullpen coach.
Yu Darvish – To the 15-day DL. Yes, that’s the consensus top two starters in drafts on the DL to start the year. Why does that make me feel so giddy?
J.P. Arencibia – Just Peachy is expected to act as an everyday catcher while Soto is sidelined for the next 3 months. We’ll see if Arencibia’s offseason method acting classes payoff.
Shane Victorino – Won’t know until today whether or not he’s ready for Opening Day. I’m gonna go out on a pretty sturdy limb and say if he doesn’t know if he can play until Opening Day, he’s probably not going to stay healthy for anywhere close to 162 games.
Tommy Hunter – Said he wasn’t told that he was the closer. Hard to say if this is like when Ronald Reagan used to say he wasn’t the president during 80’s, only to have everyone laugh and say, “Ronnie, always the kidder.” Or if this is saying that Hunter isn’t really closer. This shituation in the O’s bullpen will probably get worse before it gets better.
Manny Machado – Will start the year on the DL. He could be ready by the end of April, which translates to four weeks of you using the Hitter-Tron. That’s right, it’s back and as horny as ever for metal objects. “I’d like to impale that Impala.” Okay, Hitter-Tron.
Omar Infante – Expected to start on Opening Day. Omar’s comin’, yo!
Tim Lincecum – Took a line drive off his knee. He was helped off the field, screaming, “Get me my bong!” But, as serious as it looked, he’s supposedly fine. He won’t miss a start, but, with the way he’s thrown the last few years, you might want him missing one.
Jayson Nix – The shortstop signed with the Phillies. After the deal went down, Sandberg was heard telling Rollins, “You’ve been Nix’d!”
Jean Segura – Will play on Opening Day. Our prayer octagon worked!
Jenrry Mejia – Hit on the arm by a comebacker, but the x-rays came back negative. Jenrry was prescribed a little R&R, well, a little more. The Mets threw caution to the wind and Dice-K, making Mejia the 5th starter. That’s the first good move the Mets have made in the last seven years. February Grey had ranked Mejia in the top 100 and Jenrry’s not someone for most mixed leagues yet, but is worth watching, and not in the ‘can’t turn away from this train wreck’ type way.
Jeff Locke – Placed on the 15-day DL with an oblique injury. One thing Locke is is oblique. Is he a good guy, a bad guy, the Smoke Monster?
Carlos Villanueva – Named the Cubs 5th starter. Chuck Newtown isn’t worth owning anywhere, but might be streamer worthy at some point. Stream-o-Nator, “You stream your mother with that mouth?” Oh, that’s right, SON is back, too!
Franklin Morales – Won the 5th starter job on the Rockies, i.e., the starring role in, They Shoot ERAs, Don’t They?
Taylor Jordan – Him and Tanner Roark both got Nats starting rotation spots. One of them will only be temporary since one is just filling in for Fister, and here I thought the only substitute for Fister was Strong Groin Punch. The likely one out will be Taylor Jordan, which is unfortch since he might have a bit more upside. Neither are that attractive outside of NL-Only leagues right now because A) Tanner has a pretty yawnstipating K-rate. B) Jordan probably won’t be in the rotation for more than three starts. C) There’s no C. For streamers, yeah, anyone’s worth an add if the matchup is right.
Nyjer Morgan – Will play vs. righties while Bourn is on the DL. Meanwhile, Tony Plush will wave to the TV cameras from the dugout, conduct bizarre media interviews and smash cream pies into his own face after any game-winning hits.
Corey Hart – Will be benched today and for the near-future vs. righties. Would’ve been nice if Lloyd Christmas McClendon said this about a month ago. Sitting vs. righties just about kills Hart’s shallow mixed league value and weekly leagues.
Hisashi Iwakuma – Cleared to resume pitching. Yeah, yeah, and I used to resume Harvard Medical School to sleep with girls. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of a résumé.
Nick Franklin – Optioned down to minors. Too bad, so sad. Hello, Brad Miller! How about you, me and Giancarlo rent movies and eat ice cream? Baseball’s back, and I feel alive!
