I missed out on Julio Urias in all of my leagues.  Shame because I was just looking at his stats the other day — 9.8 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 1.10 ERA and I was like, “Those can’t be real,” and he winked at me.  An interminable wink.  And I was like, “Are you winking that those stats are real or are you winking at me that they’re not?”  He didn’t answer, he just kept winking.  So, I tried to pull a fast one on him and was like, “Wink once if I should wait to pick you up, wink twice if I should pick you up now or wink three times if you’re going to be called up to be a middle reliever.”  And he winked once.  Again.  Then, like I do at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, I climbed onto his head and blew into his eye to see if he was alive.  He wasn’t.  I mean, he is, but this was just a picture of him.  Don’t be like me, don’t worry about the wink test with Urias and just grab him in all leagues.  He could be a number one starter for the time he’s in the rotation.  That’s the catch, however.  (Or is it pitch?)  He’s filling in for Alex Wood, who has triceps tightness.  Wood could be out the rest of the season (not saying he is) and Urias would still not stay in the rotation.  The Dodgers have said they will limit Urias’s innings.  He could only pitch 60 more innings this year, which is about ten starts.  My guess is he’ll pitch a few starts in the rotation, then move to the bullpen and pitch an inning or three a week.  Sound about right to you, Urias?  Wink once for yes…. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shelby Miller – Said he has discomfort in his right finger.  The ol’ “This Isn’t Me, I Was Injured” excuse.  However you want to deal with your pitching and ego.

Michael Bourn – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal.  Also, in this game, Jake Lamb (1-for-4) stole his 3rd base.  If you didn’t own Bourn/Lamb, now ewe know.

Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.21.  I dropped Corbin the first week of the season (yes, after being excited about him in the preseason), and haven’t looked back.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4, 1 run as he hit 7th with David Freese (1-for-4) moved up to third.  Let me get this straight, because I think I might’ve figured out the logic.  Freese hits a game-winning homer so he gets moved up.  So, if Jon Niese were to hit a game-winning homer, he’d bat third.  Got it.  This makes perfect sense.  So…ARE WE THIS DAFT, Clint Hurdle?  What in the flying fudge in the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory are we fudging doing?  Please, someone who has a fudging clue give fudging Hurdle a fudging nudging in the right fudging direction.  For fudging cake–sake!

Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.53, and pitchslapped Corbin.  Shine bright like a diamond!  Easy on the ghost riding my WHIP though.

Logan Forsythe – Aiming to return June 10-19.  What if the Rays play a ten-day extra inning game on the 9th? Will he return on the 20th?

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.92.  Reminds me of Julio Teheran.  Their peripherals aren’t completely analogous, but their xFIPs are within .10 of each other and their K-rates aren’t that far off.  They also could win a combined ten games in 55 starts.  Smyly’s doing better for Ks, Teheran has been doing better with his luck-slash-ERA.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see them end up around the same fantasy value.  For the record, this is also the only time any variation of smile and Teheran have ever been associated with each other.

Brandon Guyer – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  This Guyer won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s been hot enough he could’ve.  Almost, Guyer, almost.

Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4, hitting .197.  As of right now, a hitter moving from Coors to another park loses hundred points on his average.  Unscientific!

Giancarlo Stanton – Still out with a sore side.  Or as I call it, sigh-de.

Adeiny Hechavarria – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he hit leadoff.  Too bad he’s not a Hechavarria good player.

Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.82.  Real question:  Arrieta or Jo-Fer?  Which one would you go-fer?

Chris Johnson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Fun fact!  Chris Johnson is nearly exactly what an old man can be heard yelling while trying to pee in a urinal.

Joe Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.52.  Somewhere, under the Aurora Borealis, JB watches an iceberg float by.  He points to it, speaking to his wife, “You see that dear?  The way it’s staying afloat?  That’s Joe Ross.” “JB, can we not talk about Joe Ross on our romantic trip into frigid weather?”

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .245.  Uh-oh, someone needs to be walked four times in the next game.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .201.  In related news, a reporter asked Dusty about Trea Turner and Dusty said, “The Proud Mary backup singer?”

Matt Carpenter – Placed on paternity leave.  Hoping to hear Carpenter sees his child emerging and names him immediately, Phillips-head.

Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .329.  He’s cooled off a lot since his scorching April, and he will lose playing time when the Superfluous H returns.  Of course, that doesn’t mean Diaz should be dropped prior to that.

Matt Adams – Left yesterday’s game with mid-back stiffness.  And mid-front jiggliness.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.90.  His ERA started at 8.31 after his first game and has declined every game since.  See, a Leake doesn’t make you cry, that’s an onion.

Matthew Wisler – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.08.  I streamed him for this start, and that might be my first streamed Quality Start of the year.  Yay for being a moron.  On a related note, 6 IP, 3 ER may be a Quality Start, but it sure doesn’t feel that wonderful.

Tyler Flowers – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Fun fact!  His middle name is “The Creator.”

Ryan Braun – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .361.  Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, I don’t own Braun anywhere, but I’d like a piece of that.  Sorry, with the Jersey accent that sounded like, “How about some PEDs with that?”  Yeah, the Jersey accent adds words, what’s it to ya?

Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .295.  Don’t take this the wrong way, becauase I own Villar on a lot of teams and he’s been great, but…Random Prediction Alert!  He’s going to have a top ten shortstop year in 2016, then never be worth drafting any year going forward.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.35.  This start came against the Rockies in Fenway.  Buchholz hasn’t just hit bottom, he’s dug out a hole in the earth the size of the Grand Canyon, installed an elevator that goes down 4,000 floors, and is now in a Barcalounger surrounded by magma.

David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .337.  Retire?  He’ll be better than at least two dozen other teams’ All-Stars.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Is it June already?  Better buy low now because he’s about to hit ten homers in June.

Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  This is funny (not funny), Story has been better than half of the first round.

Jon Gray – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.95.  Sure glad I owned him for his one terrible road start.  Sure am glad!

Luis Valbuena – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and third homer in the last three games.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now.  He is the hottest schmotato in the land.

George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers.  At some point, he’s going to get insanely hot and you’re gonna wish you owned him.  Fo’reals.

Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (6 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 4.60 thru only three starts.  Yesterday was an indication of why I wrote a sleeper post on him this preseason, and why I wanted to draft him on all of my teams.  The six walks is obviously concerning, and an issue he’s had in the past that’s worth monitoring.

Ken Giles – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 1st save.  Gregerson was simply unavailable, so no change here, but it does show Harris is not moving out of the 8th inning if Gregerson goes down, in a non-sexual way.

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .279.  Okay, okay, but his average is down 60 points since I told you to sell him and he’s not hitting homers at anywhere the same rate.

Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 3.24.  Guess we were due for a random bleh start from Gausman.  Better luck Mexican time!  “Next, Siri.”  “Moving to next blurb, Grey.” “No, next time, not Mexican!”  “Yes, there is no time like the Mexican time.”  “Forget it.”  “Forget what, Grey?”

Starlin Castro – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  At some point in the preseason, I said Castro is a solid bet in later rounds, and wouldn’t bat 8th or 9th in the order all year.  Yesterday, he hit third and has had a solid year, yet, and this is Abominable Snowman-sized yeti, he’s been kinda yawnstipating.

CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.83.  Okay, time to look at his peripherals to see is it real, son, is it really real, son.  Let me know it’s real, son, if it’s really real.  *looks at his peripherals*  No, it’s not real.  I’d use the Stream-o-Nator and stream him in good matchups, which is something I haven’t said about him in a while, but I wouldn’t own him in most shallower mixed leagues.

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20.  Elias Sports Bureau said yesterday’s matchup of Happ and Sabathia was initially interesting.

Hector Olivera – Suspended 82 games for an alleged domestic violence incident.  He said, “For the record, in Cuba, a pressed ham with a little mustard and pickle, is a sandwich.”

Leonys Martin – Expects to miss a few days with his sore hamstring.  Can he miss September 12th thru 15th?  I will have made other arrangements by then.

Mike Moustakas – Done for the year with a tear of his ACL.  Kiss that moist ass goodbye.

Rougned Odor – Will begin a 7-game suspension today.  Knocking Odor out for a week proves that Commissioner Manfred is the world’s strongest deodorant.