(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
I can search the site for old comments. It’s my superpower. Well, that and being able to tell if a sushi restaurant is good just from their spicy tuna roll. Okay, I also have the superpower: Being able to add three syllables to any Spanish name. Fine! I can also avoid any fight with my wife by saying, “You’re right.” That’s perhaps my strongest superpower. But, back to searching old comments, I will save people the embarrassment but here’s one from the end of last April:
That was on Itch’s top 100 prospects for last year, where he ranked Nick Pratto above Vinnie Pasquantino. Anti-Italian discrimination? Absolutely. You know where you can stick that gabagool! This isn’t to point out that top 10 comment or Itch putting Pratto above Vinnie. I ranked guys about Acuña this preseason, so I’m not one to talk. This shows you a few things. A) No one knows anything. B) Nick Pratto was considered a great prospect less than a year ago. C) There’s no C. Vinnie Pasquantino has moved ahead Pratto, but would it shock me if Pratto sneaks up on him and parms his chicken by the end of this year? Not at all! That Nick Pratto is rostered in 2.7% of ESPN leagues and Vinnie Pasquantino is near-100%, that’s criminal, which is no indictment on Pasquantino — the wire taps were illegally obtained and were tossed by the judge. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Gary Sanchez – Him becoming a 30-homer catcher again would be hilarious, and an inspiration for anyone who’s been hit in the nuts many, many times.
Nick Fortes – A forte: A thing one does where they excel. Fortes: A person who drinks 40-ounce malt liquors because they punted catcher and need to pick up Nick Fortes.
Luke Raley – This Buy column, “Luke and Luken” and it sounds like you got yourself a little stutter. Also, thinking about if you had Raley/Fraley, and it’s like someone arguing with themselves. “Raley? F Raley!” Any hoo! Raley has been one of the best pickups I’ve made for steals about a month ago, but you need to move him in and out of the lineup.
Luken Baker – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “(Baker) looks exactly like Adam Dunn. In the minors, he even wore his number. Someone put oven mitts on a Donkey and send him to the plate. We got a Donkey Baker. The size of this man — Can I call him a man? Seems a bit more like a tractor trailer. — shines directly through his numbers: 18 HRs in 54 games. He’s also hitting for a .313 average in Triple-A, but he’s 26 years old. My guess is by the 17th time you see the same Triple-A pitchers, you start to get familiar with their stuff, or lack of, i.e., he might be a Quad-A player, but he also might come up and hit 20 homers in a 80-ish games, because pitchers aren’t familiar with him. Picturing Jordan Walker and Luken Baker next to each other and asking them to take a few steps back so I can see both at the same time without craning my head and moving it back and forth like a panorama.” And that’s me quoting me!
Nolan Jones – I know as soon as I recommend Nolan Jones, Bud Black will say, “We’re excited to have Robinson Cano come out of retirement and play 1st base.”
Jake Bauers – *tied to a chair, and nearby a bomb’s timer ticks down* “Jake Bauers! We need your help!” “By me being a hot schmotato?” “Yes, why else?”
Connor Joe – I can’t see his name and not think of that song. Wake me up before you go, Joe! Connor I’m not planning on going solo! Wake me up before you go, Joe! I wanna hit that high! Any hoo! He’s near the top of the 1st basemen on the 7-day Player Rater. (Though, not as high as Bauers.)
Willi Castro – If my name was Willi, I’d just constantly be walking around saying, “Yes, I will!” Wonder if that would get annoying. Nah! I put Willi Castro and McKinstry back-to-back and they look like mirror images of each other.
Zach McKinstry – Looks like a decent leadoff guy in Detroit, who could go 10/20. There’s going to be more guys with 20 steals this year since the go-go 80’s when Ron LeFlore was running down the first base line with his nose to the foul line.
Ezequiel Tovar – This guy is low-key one of the biggest disappointments of the year. If you would’ve told me he’d actually start nearly every game and still be boring, I wouldn’t have believed you (about him starting every day). Well, he is hot now. On a side note, Coors is leading the majors in offense, followed by Fenway, Busch, Globe Life and Kauffman. After Fenway and Coors, that’s the weirdest top five for good hitting parks.
Luis Garcia – *wavy lines* Whoa, it’s 2034? And everyone is named Luis Garcia or De La Cruz? This is so confusing! And why is my head in a jar next to Ted Williams! AHHH!!! *wavy lines* Yikes, what a nightmare for the comments, having all those guys with the same name.
Royce Lewis – Already gave you my Royce Lewis fantasy. You might be thinking to yourself, this guy is linking to a lot of other posts this week. Yeah, guys and five girl readers, I’ve already gone over all of these guys in-depth. Would you prefer I just copy and pasted it? Actually, don’t answer that, you prolly would. Well, tough noogies.
Elly De La Cruz – Already gave you Elly De La Cruz fantasy. It was nominated for a Peabody.
Matt McLain – Already gave you Matt McLain fantasy. It was written while singing Doo Wah Diddy and forgetting the rest.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Watching Ghosts of Beirut on Showtime, and am enjoying it, but every time Mossad comes on, I’m reminded of Israeli Diner Falafel. Also, any time a girl excuses herself to the powder room. Any hoo! IKF, which is different than the IDF, has been hot.
Ha-Seong Kim – Kim? Hot? Somewhere, Eminem is getting his mom’s spaghetti on his sweater.
Jordan Walker – Already gave you a Jordan Walker fantasy. Though, if we’re being honest, I’ve given you about two dozen Jordan Walker fantasies. Hey, he’s gonna be a top 20 overall guy at some point. Who knows when.
Jonny DeLuca – Already gave you a Jonny DeLuca fantasy. He was listed after Walker, and Jonny wears Dodger Blue…Hey, it’s Jonny Walker blue!
Bryan De La Cruz – *wavy lines* Whoa, it’s 2034? And my head is in a jar between Ted Williams and Tennessee Williams. AHHH!!! *wavy lines* Yikes, what a nightmare, they messed up the alphabetical order.
Jack Suwinski – Prolly should just be rostered in most leagues by now, but I’ll admit to seeing Suwinski and being a little meh’d and looking for other guys.
Jake McCarthy – This guy has become the Esteury Ruiz of June since he was called back up, huh? Hey, whatever’s clever, Brosef Stalin, go McCarthy!
Jesus Sanchez – There hasn’t been a hotter Jesus since John Turturro in The Big Lebowski.
Eddie Rosario – True story alert! Donkey Teeth and I are co-managing a team and he said to me we should bid on Eddie Rosario two weeks ago, and be the benefactor of his hot week-plus. I said, “Let’s go with Odor.” Boy, that stinks.
Joey Wiemer – This guy is so close to a gender reveal for a kangaroo. That’s a Joey wiener.
Julio Teheran – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Walgreen’s.
Kyle Gibson – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was in the other day chatting with a price scanner, and I was wondering if you could put the phone up to it. I liked how it beeped.”
Jason Adam – You know the difference between Jason Adam and a road trip from Vegas? That’s chasin’ a dam. Keep it, Highlights! It’s yours!
Justin Lawrence – Rockies went from Pierce Johnson to Justin Lawrence, which is better than finding out about a pierced johnson to Joey Lawrence, I suppose.
Dauri Moreta – Went looking at our 30-day Player Rater and skimming along to see who is the top middle reliever that is not getting saves, and I found a tribe name on Survivor. “‘Dauri Moreta’ means ‘brave warrior,'” says a tribemate who sat out the last challenge because they had too many bug bites to compete. Dauri Moreta also means insane peripherals in middle relief.
SELL
Nick Castellanos – Let’s take you back to when he was a big swinging Nick. He was Nick-named the Greek God of Hard Contact. At night, he’d work at his mother’s diner and she’d wrap him in her giant arms that were like meat curtains, and she’d tell him, “Nicholas, hit those line drives, and you will be everyone’s hero, pronounced like gyro.” And he did! Year after year, he’d hit 40% or more Hard Contact, hit .290 and get into 25+ homers, because sometimes the park couldn’t contain his line drives. Now? Like a previous Greek God of Hard Contact, he’s become Nick Suckakis. He’s hitting for a good average, but that’s unsustainable. He’s actually hitting more balls into the ground this year than last, when he was the Greek God of the GIDP. His over/under on homers is 15 and he could hit .260 again. I wouldn’t trade Nick Castellanos for the piece of cake right under where someone with the flu blew out a candle, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
