I was lost, out of sorts. I began standing at urinals with my pants at my ankles like I was a five-year-old. I’d say to Cougs, “I did a poopie.” Soiled. Ugly. Couldn’t go on. Jordan Walker was sent down. The power of his presence gone. From my life. Pain. I felt. Today, WE’RE BACK BABY! I’m pulling up my shorts and no longer asking my wife to wipe me! I’m an adult again! My oxygen mask can be removed! I can breathe again without your assistance! The roses are redder than they’ve ever been. Tear up my Last Will and Testament; I’m gonna live forever like Irene Cara! I can feel it! So, I still don’t understand Walker’s playing time shituation but I doubt he’s being called up to sit on the bench. Grab him everywhere. Unless you don’t love love. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .332. This=HR, That=Runs/RBIs, Rap=SBs. That’s the scenario for Bo.

Kevin Gausman – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Wanted a little pick-me-up, a little cheery scenario, a Cheerio, so to speak, so I want to look at the Statcast page for Gausman. In an age of when you have people talking about raising the mound back up to pre-Gibson to fix pitching — “Looks like we have a timeout on the field. They’re bringing a stepladder out to help Stroman back up the side of the mound.” — one guy’s one pitch shows some pitchers can still succeed. Kevin Gausman’s split-fingered fastball is so good. He’s thrown it 40% of the time. An absurd amount. Any pitch that someone throws 40% of the time, you’d think there was some natural attrition to its value, right? He has a .164 xBAA and a .186 BAA. Hitters are slugging .225 vs. it. Last year, .293 SLG, so it’s actually better this year. You shouldn’t be able to throw one pitch 40% of the time as a starter, and have that sorta success, but there’s Kevin Gausman. Atop the 15-inch, soon to be 75-inch high mound.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Since I told you to sell him, his average is roughly .190.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.62. Well, avoiding FreddyKBB was the right move. Too bad I couldn’t avoid every pitcher.

Jorge Polanco – 1-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. Jo-Po sounds like a nickname for a prison and hopefully you didn’t lock him up to a long-term keeper deal after his 2021 season.

Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. It’s actually Michael Anthony Taylor. If he went by Michael An. Taylor, he’d have the best business casual suits for women. Big missed opp.

Pablo Lopez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.54. Guards’ hitting looks like upchuck on a hot dashboard, so this is a blow to my Pab-Lo confidence. A Pab-Low.

Royce Lewis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Muttering, “Please stay healthy. Please stay healthy. Please stay healthy.”

Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Being one of my most reliable starters in a 12-team mixed league is an odd feeling, but I’m feeling it.

Edouard Julien – Sent down. There’s some kind of math here that could be applied. (Applied mathematics?) If a player is called up and sent down, due to another player’s injury, they will be traded within 18 months. What’s the math? That. That’s the math. Though, Correa and Buxton are both injured, so maybe Julien will be right back.

Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Well, I’ve had worse sonavabenches, but I could’ve used that start. The good news is Hunter Greene is back, i.e., joy is back.

Chris Sale – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.58. He looked pretty solid, but his velocity was down, and then he shook his arm and left the game, so that’s not great.

Connor Wong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Am the only one obsessed with the Red Sox getting a guy named Wong and a guy who pulls his wong out in public?

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Not bad for a derogatory term for a Jew from Puerto Rico.

Ronel Blanco – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Astros are literally sprinkling Chia seeds on the mound and random pitchers are sprouting up.

Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.15. Not sure what I expected to see when I opened Detmers’s player page open, but it wasn’t that. His strikeouts are up how much? His velocity is up how much? Detmers looks great in every way except with ERA, and no one’s talking about it, which is what someone says right after they talk about it. Streamonator loves his next start, maybe that’s when he rights the ship for ERA.

Brandon Drury – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Drury has ten times as many homers as Jose Abreu.

Kris Bryant – Hit the IL with a “only five and half more years of this Rockies’ contract before he can re-sign with them for another five years and $100 million.”

Ezequiel Tovar – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Ezequiel is cooking now (with a candlelight, because if you’re named Ezequiel, you’re Amish)!

Pierce Johnson – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.85. Been about as painful as a pierced Johnson. It’s kinda interesting to see how long the most basic information takes to get through Bud Black’s skull. Johnson’s been bad for three weeks and Daniel Bard’s been great. It was quicker to get those kids out of that cave in Thailand than it takes for a thought to get through to Bud.

Mark Canha – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s clear a hot schmotato now.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Isn’t it funny (it’s not funny) how some pitchers are seemingly not doing that well, and have a great ERA and other pitchers are seemingly doing decent and have an awful ERA? Does that even make sense? I’m going to go to lunch now and return to re-read this. *two hours later* Yeah, that makes no sense. Hangry Grey talks a lot of nonsense. Get your shizz together! Legit have no idea what Pre-Ramen Grey was saying.

Alec Bohm – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. It happens when you try to gnaw the string off a Hormel and are unsuccessful.

Taijuan Walker – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.65. He hasn’t been good since he had elbow issues, but the Phils keep rolling him out there. Yeah, pitch through an elbow ailment. That’ll work! For what it’s Cronenworth, Streamonator likes his next start a bit, but I don’t trust him at all.

Luis Arraez – Left the game with a leg injury. If you hear bubbles, it’s Ted Williams breathing a sigh of relief, hoping Arraez won’t hit .400 and qualify for a batting title.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.05. Says right here, “By decree of the Commissioner’s Office, no pitchers can have a sub-4 ERA.” Can’t you read?

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Nice to see the Johnson & Johnson-Baby-Oil-On-The-Ear Musgrove. For a while there, I thought he lost his sponsorship. “Can we get you to apply some canola oil on your ear?” “Sorry, that’s against my endorsement deal contract.” His K/9 is 8.4 and that’s low; his BB/9 of 3 is high and his stuff looks pretty similar to past years. He’s allowing a bit too much hard contact, which seems mostly due to bad locating. Musgrove looks like a buy low.

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I’d laugh if it wasn’t so sad that I’ll actually be FAAB’ing Gary Sanchez in leagues this weekend. Pray for me. I said…*pushes your hands together* Pray for me!