*screaming at the top of my lungs* BASEBALL IS BACK!!! Shouldn’t it be “at the top of my voice box?” At Razzball, we make you think. Not too hard so your eyes go crossed, because that would not be very nice. See, we’re nice too. Baseball is back and, brucely, I couldn’t be (water) any happier. The top 500 and my 2022 fantasy baseball rankings are locked. Well, until my top 100 for the 2nd half that will look nothing like the current 100. Also, I won’t have time before the season to go over my Yahoo Friends & Family team, competing against Dalton Del Don, Pianowski, etc., but here’s the team, if you’re my-team-curious — it’s 15 team, mixed, 5×5:
Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2022 fantasy baseball:
Pedro Severino – Suspended for 80 games, due to taking fertility drugs that were on the banned list. So that’s what that noise was being picked up by microphones behind the plate: Pedro Severino sobbing loudly any time Tatis Jr, Acuna Jr., and Vlad Jr. enter the batter’s box. This also explains why Pedro was always seen carrying around an egg on the basepaths, he was showing his wife he’s ready to care for a baby. Just brutal family planning news for the Severinos. Any hoo! He was removed from the catchers rankings.
Victor Caratini – Signed with the Brewers. Blech. Just the thought of putting a baby carrot in your martini glass and filling it with Miller. Gross. Some people have no taste.
Alex Jackson – Traded to Milwaukee. Brewers shoving square pegs into a Pedro Severino-sized hole.
Taijuan Walker – Was rocked in his last start, and his knee is bothering him. Mets’ rotation is going to Tylor Megill and a scarecrow in a deGrom jersey.
Tylor Megill – Will be the Mets’ Opening Day starter if the game isn’t rained out. From out of the rotation to the Opening Day starter, the Mets are hilarious.
Brandon Nimmo – Got a cortisone shot in his neck and might still get IL’d. In case you were trying to locate him.
MacKenzie Gore – Optioned to the minors, because this Gore thing won’t ever happen, right? Padres like this with hitting prospects: *pushing baby bird out of nest* “Fly, birdie!” Padres with pitching prospects: “We’ve been so hurt by Paddack that now we just trade for guys.”
Jordan Hicks – Will start the year as the Cards’ 5th starter. His longest outing in the spring was 1 1/3 IP; has zero games started in the majors leagues in his career, and he’s thrown 10 major-league innings since 2019. Making Hicks a starter on the last day of Spring Training feels like something that should’ve been outlawed by the Geneva Conventions. Can’t NATO step in?
Jake Marisnick – Signed with the Pirates. What are the odds Marisnick sees more ABs than Oneil Cruz? Put me down for $5.
Andrew Knapp – Signed with the Pirates. Move over Indianapolis, there’s a new Knapptown.
Shogo Akiyama – Released by the Reds. Don’t have to Shogo home, but you can’t Shogo here.
Bryson Stott – Made the Opening Day roster. Stott’s entertainment! Now we’re talking DADDY! *looks at his projections* Oh. Well, good for him! Kidding, I have him in some leagues, and am excited to see what he can do. Rookie projections are generally conservative, and Stott can out-perform them.
Greg Bird – Signed a minor league deal with the Yanks. Will be nice that he’ll get to retire for the team that once made him famous for doing nothing.
Jose Cisnero – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Sad for the one guy who’s the Nero gender.
Stephen Strasburg – Nats’ GM Mike Rizzo said Strasburg might be ready for May 1st. Don’t feel like googling it, but I could’ve sworn Rizzo said Strasburg would be ready to go a week after his last injury, and he was sidelined, what? 11 months?
Todd Frazier – Retired from baseball. The same day Ron Marinaccio, a fellow Toms River native like Frazier, made the Yankees’ Opening Day roster. Indiana Jones removing an idol and replacing it with a similarly sized sandbag, but with MLB players from Toms River.