Marcus’s Calf Goes Off Like A Stroman Candle

Marcus Stroman went from calf tightness to a tear. That’s what the cow said! Huh? Sorry, I’m a little freakin’ delirious because I own Stroman in not one, not two–I can’t even count how many leagues I own him in because I don’t have enough fingers and toes, and this is a PG show and we can’t count with anything else, you absolute pervs! Hey, serious question, has anything ever good happened to the Mets? Not to get all metaphysical rolling magnets around my shakras, but The Curse of The Bambino became The Curse of 1986. I won’t hear different. Bill Buckner allie-kazoo’d some voodoo on Mookie Wilson and the Mets have never been the same. Alas, I would drop Stroman in every league, aside from maybe NL-Only, but even there it’s pretty meh. He’s week-to-week, so maybe he returns by the end of August. What are you holding that for? The S’s and G’s train left the station a long time ago. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian Dozier – Signed with the Mets. If you’re a Wilpon, the only thing better than Jed Lowrie is signing a poor man’s Lowrie.

Juan Lagares – Signed with the Mets. The Mets heard what a great ratings draw an Old Timers’ Game can be and are not above a stunt.

Gordon Beckham – Released by the Mets. They have Dozier for the poor man’s Lowrie role. No room for two, Gordon. You were a role player, and that role has been filled.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Jays still don’t have a home. Pittsburgh fell through. That’s too bad, because, with traffic, Pittsburgh is closer to Toronto than Anaheim is to Los Angeles, so in a lot of ways the Pittsburgh Blue Jays of Toronto makes more sense than the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I still think a last second deal will be made for Buffalo, but right now the Jays are gonna be a traveling circus, moving around the country, carrying all their shizz like Steve Martin in The Jerk. Vlad Jr., “All I need is this chair…and this stapler…and this glove…” All the projections in the Streamonator and Hittertron are up-to-date with Jays as neutral, but they will get updated based on wherever they play, so I imagine you might see some changes when things solidify.

Nate Pearson – Will be called up on July 29th. At exactly midnight on July 29th, Pearson will emerge from his cocoon, a fully realized butterfly, capable of being a star MLB pitcher. Or, ya know, usual BS service time manipulation.

Hunter Dozier – Hit the IL with Covid. We lasted all the way from when I wrote my Hunter Dozier sleeper post in November to Re-Opening Day in July and now I lose Dozier. *cry-snorts* I would’ve removed Dozier from my rankings, but they’re finally locked in. I’m no longer reranking guys, roughly 7 months after I began. Praise you, Jesus Christ-Aguilar-Montero!

Brady Singer – Royals’ 1st round pick in 2019 will start on Saturday. Up until today I thought Brady Singer was the annoying person who, after hearing about someone’s remarriage, would sing, “Here’s the story of a lovely lady…” Prospect Itch said of Singer, “Once in the conversation with Casey Mize for top overall pick, Singer fell to pick 18 after an up-and-down college stretch but came out strong as a pro and remains a low-floor, decent-topside arm with a ground ball profile. If only I could floor Grey.” What the hell, my dude! So, I grabbed Singer in one 15-team mixed league where I might’ve lost Marcus Stroman forever, and Singer was owned in an AL-Only league. Shallower, I didn’t bother looking.

Mike Trout – Plans to play the whole year, impressed with how MLB is handling the pandemic. He said, “Everything’s been great, but how come no one is answering when I call the Blue Jays’ clubhouse?” I would move Trout back up to 3rd or 4th overall, coin flipping him and Bellinger, if I were still changing my rankings, or if you have a very late draft.

Anthony Rendon – Could miss a couple of games of the regular season. Or as I’m calling it, “Really? We’re playing real baseball games that count? It must be a dream!”

Zack Wheeler – His child came early and I couldn’t even tell he was pregnant! Wheeler’s owners will be happy to know they will be dining out on placenta, and fantasy value this year. He’s not opting out.

Framber Valdez – Will start the Astros’ 5th game of the season, while Jose Urquidy is on mend. With this toothpick, Dusty poked a hole in his mask and said, “We’ll see how long Framber stays in the rotation.” Yes, we will!

Jake Odorizzi – Will begin the season on the IL with upper back soreness. Sounds like I’m down to one starter in some leagues just in time for Re-Opening Day. Bring on the madness!

Jordan Montgomery – Will start the 6th game of the season. Or after one-tenth of the season is played. I don’t hate JoMo for the stream in certain circumstances — Certances? Cercumstances? Oh, definitely not that. — but you need to play the Streamonator more than you need to get tied to a guy who might be in and out of the rotation, or as the 5th starter.

DJ LeMahieu – Still trying to figure out when he’ll be ready for Re-Opening Day. Not to, ya know, pressure anyone, but he kinda needs to be ready today.

Tom Murphy – Will begin season on IL with a broken bone in his foot. Welp, I’ve already dropped my catcher. Bring on the Frankencatchers, long live the Frankencatchers.

Freddy Peralta – Will start the third game of the season. Feels like for every terrible thing we get five more terrible things and then, maybe, if we’re lucky, we get one good thing. Well, I don’t know what terrible things Peralta-into-the-rotation is offsetting, but it’s a good thing.

Alec Mills – Named Cubs’ 5th starter. You might remember Alec Mills as the mom on The Wonder Years. More relevantly, he relies on offspeed stuff, and you would too if you had an 89 MPH fastball. Not surprisingly, he had 104 IP in Triple-A last year with a 5.11 ERA and turns 29 in November. Jose Quintana will be back shortly to take the rotation spot. Can tell Mills is not good without being smart, Alec.

Mookie Betts – Signed a deal with the Dodgers through 2032. Ha. We are barely getting through 2020, and y’all out here signing deals through 2032. Mookie Betts in 2032 is gonna be I Am Legend playing baseball with a German Shepherd, and an automated Al Gore head with an electronically altered voice talking like Max Headroom.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – Optioned to Pirates alternative training site at Altoona. More like Altoon-up! Right?! C’mon, high-five the crap out of me! Not literally! We can’t touch!

Keone Kela – Says he’s tested positive for Covid since June 30th with no symptoms. Good news is he has to return a negative test soon. Bad news is why hasn’t he already and can others remain sidelined for that long? Related news, Kyle Crick should get saves in his stead. Unrelated news, I just burped.

Austin Riley – Announced as the starter at 3rd base on Re-Opening Day and I am floating on air. Don’t pull me down! Let me float! Oh, crap, Austin Riley wires!

Austin Dean – Made the Cards’ team as a backup outfielder. He’s a Quad-A player, or in his case, the Dean of students.

Nomar Mazara – Hit the IL with undisclosed reasons. Mazara was called up originally in 2016 at the age of 21, was told the average age for player breakouts is 27, and is a strong proponent of confirmation bias.

Jake Bauers – Optioned to alternate training site. He’s had one of the longer leashes to prove himself, but I guess for Jake Bauers his time is up. *dramatic sting, commercial break* Next up, baseball! Finally!