I’ve been waiting here at my computer crunching advanced sabremetrics in hyper-suspended cryogenic animation since we last spoke a la Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence in Passengers, and yes, that was 100% an effort to shoe horn two of Hollywood’s most famous people into my lede for clicks. I may have had six months off, but I still know how to get those sweet, zesty page views. San Diego Padres outfielder slash hot shot prospect slash fastest man alive, Manuel Margot showed many why he’s so highly touted last night with a 2-for-4 night, including two home runs out of the lead off spot. So what happened while I was gone? The Cubs won what, you say? No way! And who is president? You are messing with me. Another Drake album!? How does he have the time? Well, Manny Margs is now slashing .263/.333/.632 with two homers, three RBI and a stolen base on the young season. Wait, did someone say–stolen base? Yeah, you did, ya joker. Ess Bees are basically the reason you drafted Margot. This doode can fly. The big return for San Diego in the Craig Kimbrel trade, he stole 30 bases in 517 ABs at AAA (.304/.351/.426). His speed and defense should ensure he gets plenty of playing time this year, and leading off for the ‘Dres makes him a player to own. A razzball preseason sleeper, he’s under 50% owned in ESPN leagues right now, but I see that number climbing real quickly after last night’s performance. Like, do your best Manuel Margot impression and go grab him quickly. Grey told you to BUY and if you got a need for speed pick him up before I do!
Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball…
Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-2, run. SB (1). And the kid steals bases, too, folks! Ha-cha-cha! Wow, I am crushing on you real bad right now. I might have a new locker to hide in, you guys. I am one more Michael Jackson leg kick away from opening up my relationship with Xander to make room for more quality time with Andrew.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 3-run HR (1). Panda was almost the hero in this one homering off K-Rod in the 8th to give the Sawx a lead that quickly vanished. In the past I have to used Panda to hide my Taco Bell addiction. Well, Pablo attributes his recent weight loss to Taco Bell’s newest creation. If you need to lose 5 pounds fast, look no further than the Bell’s chicken shell taco. It’s actually more of a cleanse than a diet. Mmm, heartburn. I could see adding Sandoval for the upside in this line up. I promise I won’t tell anyone.
Michael Fulmer – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 4 K. If you thought last year was a fluke, you were wrong, computer friend. Fulmer was still throwing cheese (97-98 mph) when he left this one, and looks to be picking up right where he left off. I have to hate you right now because I don’t own you anywhere.
Ivan Nova – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, o ER, 4 K, W. Super Nova’s star was shining extra bright Friday night as he easily dispatched the Braves. Ivan could be a sneaky pick this year after posting a 3.06 ERA and 52/3 K/BB rate in 64.2 IP with the Bucs last year. This Super Nova is a star worth adding, at least until he explodes.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, HR (2), 2 RBI. B-Ryce is slashing .357/.500/.857 with five RBI and two homers! Aww yisss. I can feel you getting warming and warming. Umm, sorry, I didn’t mean to put my hand there. B, if you could simply just break all the records this year I swear we can be best friends again.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4, HR (1), 2 RBI. To everyone who told you you over drafted Daniel Murphy this year, tell them they are too tilt and to go back to fantasy lacrosse. You’re jus tryna have a good time.
Jayson Werth – 1-for-4, HR (2), 3 RBI. FWIW, which is an acronym that I’m told might be appropriate here, Jayson has hit safely in three of his four games, with homers in two, and bats in the middle of a stacked line up. Why is he less than 10% owned? It’s questions like these we may never know the answer to. Or maybe it’s because he’s 37.
Max Scherzer – 6.2 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 7 K, W. Mad Max did his best Imperator Furiosa (because she’s the real hero anyway, #subliminalfeminism ) impression and got his first dubya. Witness me!
Vincent Velasquez – 4.0 IP, 5 hits, 4 ER, 3 BB, 10 K. You laugh, but this is exactly the kind of pitcher I profile for my fantasy team in my pre-draft research. How many strikeouts did you say? Yes please! Would bang.
Blake Treinen – 1.0 IP, 2 hits, 2 ER, SV (3). His second shaky save chance in a row. If you are as desperate for saves as I am for positive feedback, you might want to grab Koda Glover, but knowing Dusty Baker, he’s probably thinking Blake has a few more blow ups in him before his spirit is completely crushed.
Kyle Freeland – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 2 BB, 6 K, W. A rookie pitcher in Colorado? Of course I’m interested. Please tell me more about that.
Jake McGee – 1.0 IP, 3 K, SV (1). With Greg Holland unavailable, McGee worked a scoreless ninth for his first save. The Rockies bullpen is shaping up to look like one of the best in baseball. And that’s probably the craziest sentence I’ll write all month. Which is really something when you consider I’ll likely mention the clam people next week.
Travis Jankowski – 1-for-3, 2 runs, SB (1). Oh boy, is this my first SAGNOF of the season? Or did I just black out? I tried poison toad this offseason, loyal readers. Maybe some day I’ll tell you about it in a blurb. Irregardless, Janko stole 30 bases in just 335 ABs last year and could be a cheap source of speed. If you’re looking for an even cheaper source of speed, see my associate Big Mike on the street corner, and come alone.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 HR (3), 5 RBI. Belt is off the chain! Which is strange because my wallet chain hangs off my belt. Of course I wear a wallet chain! I wouldn’t want my Jamba Juice Club card and my two dollar bill to gets snatched from me in the street. That Jamba Juice card has 4 punches, ya’ll! One more and that’s a small Kale smoothie!
Brandon Maurer – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (1). That feeling when at least one of late round closers does right by you. That’ll do, Maurer. That’ll do.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 3-run HR (1). We will always have last year, Manny, when I owned you and I wasn’t so bitter and depressed that I didn’t own you. Oh, happier days!
Brett Gardner – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 SB (2). 2013 called. They want their late round sleeper back. After a disappointing 2016, Brett has made it his mission to steal more. Refreshing. If only everyone had goals like this, we’d have way more crime in the world. And probably way less stuff.
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, HR (1), 2 RBI. ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS! That’s why I took a catcher with my first pick, folks. See you in last place!
Matt Holliday – 2-for-2, HR (1), 3 RBI. When Matt Holliday is suddenly one of the oldest players on the Yankees and you wonder what happened to the good old days.
Mike Leake – 8.0 IP, 6 hits, ER, BB, 6 K. This is why the Cards gave him that huge contact, people. For this game, on this night. Leake delivered.
Amir Garrett – 6.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 4 K, W. Rookie pitchers are my kryptonite and Amir fits the mold deliciously. Did I say deliciously? I meant, perfectly. He held a 2.55 ERA and 132/59 K/BB over 144.2 IP last year in the minors. Must. Resist. Unproven. Arms. Ack! The force is too strong with this one. Keep it up Garrett, and I can definitely see myself owning and dropping you all season long.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-4, run, SB (2). If Hamilton could bat over .250, he could probably steal 100 bases. But, FWIW (my new favorite acronym) , he probably won’t, so he’s only good to steal 60ish like some pleb.
Rasiel Iglesias – 2.0 IP, 3 K, SV (2). Baby Chapman! I’m so stoked I own you right now. Way to go me!
Wei-Yin Chen – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, ER, BB, 5 K, W. Poor Miami Marlins went from having the best pitcher in the world to having a 1-2 punch that features Edinson Volquez and Dan Straily. I am sad again.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, HR (1), 4 RBI. Tulo was 100% a shortstop I could see myself owning this year. He was going just late enough in drafts to make the risk worth it. But I didn’t get him anywhere, so let’s move on.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, HR (1). Looks like Toronto’s offense will be OK without Edwin. You can all exhale now, Canada. Just don’t wake the bears.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 2 runs, HR (2), 2 RBI. Longo is slashing 313/.455/.688 with a pair of homers and five RBI on the year. The former fantasy first rounder was probably a draft steal after putting up one of his best offensive seasons in years. Would own. In fact, it was probably the best season I can remember for Longo in…well, ever. However, my memory is a kind of shot after Will Smith used his memory Neuralyzer on me at the last Scientology retreat. Also, drugs.
Francisco Liriano – 0.1 IP, 3 hits, 5 ER, 4 BB, K. Why did I start you? Its probably because I hate myself. Also, drugs.
Jimmy Nelson – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 2 BB, 8 K. When you shut down the World Champs like that you have my attention. Sooo, now that you have my attention–whaddaya want? I have an auditing session in 15 minutes and these thetans aren’t going to clear themselves. Wow, three references to my religion in one post, I must be rusty. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel. That headline was kind of clever though, right? Sigh, I will do better next week.
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-4, run, 2 RBI. The Snakes had 11 hits in this one. And if I may dangerously flaunt my 2016 AND 2017 sleeper pick here, I fully believe this kid’s gonna be a star. Ha-cha-cha! Please don’t let me be wrong again. It’s been a rough offseason.
Shelby Miller – 5.1 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 3 BB, 7 K, W. Shelby Miller Time is currently living the High Life! Someone’s gotta make Zack Greinke look good!
Nomar Mazara – 3-for-5, 2 runs, HR (2), 6 RBI. Nomah is 10-for-17 with two jacks and 9 ribbies so far and as a New Englander, I am required to have blind unrequited love for all players and persons named Nomar. Maz is no different! He is the best and no one denies this!
Roughned Odor – 2-for-4, HR (3), 2 RBI. If you were silly enough not to draft him you should probably trade for him now before he’s the best player in the world by the end of next week. Or don’t. Give up. Come in last, see if I care.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, HR (2), RBI. I am trying an experiment this year. To prove the worthlessness of 90% of catchers I will be offering to swap/trade catchers every week with any and every team that will bite. Just pulled off a blockbuster deal sending my Matt Wieters off for Evan Gattis. Hoping Gattis can net me one of the McCanns next week. I will keep you updated!
Jesse Chavez – 5.2 IP, 4 hits, ER, BB, 6 K, W. “JESSE!” That’s my Walter White impression. It’s really much better orally. Isn’t everything!? Lol. Zing! Chavez likes to do an impression of a good fantasy pitcher every now and again, but his inconsistency makes me think he should generally be avoided.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, 2-run HR (1). He’s got seven hits through the first five games and ya, OK, I could see owning that. But not gonna lie, it’s mostly because of his proximity to Mike Trout. I still love you, Michael! I miss you! You’re beautiful!
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!
