You in March, “Well, at least if I draft Carlos Gonzalez, he’ll either produce or be on the DL.” You now, “I wish he would get hurt already. Is he hurt? Could someone tell me what’s wrong with CarGo? Does CarGo even stand for Carlos Gonzalez anymore? Isn’t the other CarGo hurt too? I feel like a Russian mobster wondering what’s happened to my CarGo. If I find emaciated prostitutes inside my CarGo, there’s going to be hell to pay by my friend, Ukrainian Petrov. UP has let me down! Why am I muttering these things about CarGo while standing in the middle of Route 22 in a straitjacket? Is this a dream? Nightmare? Out of body experience? Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” There’s a few reasons behind this CarGo buy. Yes, I’m going to try to convince you to buy the hated CarGo. 1) The weather was atrocious in Colorado in April. Hitters can’t get into rhythm when they’re being rained/snowed/sleeted out three times a week. I’d say I’d buy low on any Rockie hitter due to this. 2) CarGo’s always been good when healthy. 3) There’s no 3. 4) He’s only 29. 5) You could be a 17-homer, .275 hitter in Coors. Yes, you, who just this morning confused a dirty Q-tip with a Cheez Doodle. 6) His BABIP is very low for him. He’s not a sub-.200 hitter. 7) His walk rate is up from last year and his strikeout rate is down from his last big season in 2013. 8) 675-3oooooh 9) I think his speed is more or less gone. If we see 7 steals, I’d be shocked. Okay, this isn’t a positive, but it’s worth noting. 10) To buy him right now, it will cost you about the price of admission to see Milli sing Girl, You Know It’s True next to Vanilli’s grave. I’m not paying a lot, but people are talking about dropping CarGo, so the price is right, Drew Carey, and I’d move in. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Andre Ethier – I was at the Los Angeles Zoo the other day and I saw a monkey drawing on a piece of paper. The zookeeper was nearby and told me to keep watching. So I did. When the monkey finished, he took the paper he was drawing on and ran it over to the fence and handed it off to Don Mattingly. Turned out that paper was the lineup card. So cool.
Shin-Soo Choo – Been having a crazy May so far — 4 HRs, .345. Ah, Choo. Gesundheit!
Avisail Garcia – You know what AWOLNation would say, AviSAIL! They’d also say, “Hey, how come no one wants to hear our new single? We weren’t a one hit wonder. Guys? Hello?”
Khris Davis – Looks to be getting hot, and he stunt doubles as an Orioles’ first baseman.
Carlos Peguero – I almost called him Varys Targaryen. Oh, I am just the silliest! Peguero needs to platooned when the Rangers are facing a lefty or a Lannister.
A.J. Ramos – There was a moment after Cishek was replaced that it looked like the closer job might be up in the air for A.J., Morris or Dunn, which I believe is a country music group, but now Ramos looks to be the main guy. I’d ask a Marlin fan, but who can find one?
Brad Ziegler – Addison Reed is not only bad, but he’s really bad. Hold on, phone call coming in. “Hello, this is Grey. This is my fifth grade English teacher? Was I modifying with really? Um… No. And using the adjective bad? No, I was saying Brad. Hey, Ms. Polwalski, I have another call. Yes, you too.” I really hate her. Ugh, hold on. “Ms. Polwalski, get out of my head!”
Delino DeShields Jr. – This guy is so fast that he just ran into your room, mussed your hair, took a bite of your apple, pinched your girl’s butt and ran back out. Hey, DeShields, what’s the big idea?!
Aaron Hill – Here we have the type of pickup that I’ll recommend in a post, but if you actually ask me if you should pick him up, I’ll likely say no.
Jace Peterson – I’m about a day or two away from dropping Devon Travis in shallower leagues and grabbing Peterson. Yeah, things went pear-shaped that fast for Travis, son. You gotta be heartless in My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, Yeezus. We need baseball players to please us. You see, there’s leaders and followers, men. But I’d rather be Kolten Wong than Marcus Semien. You know this shizz ain’t free, chump? Cost money to pay for appliances for the Hitter-Tron to hump. So long, I’m outta here like Dennis Miller before he got wacko. Damn, I need Jose Abreu to go backo-backo-backo.
Brett Lawrie – And you know my watch is a Seiko! Sorry, I was still rhyming. Yeah, Lawrie’s left a little to be desired. Or maybe that’s a lot to be desired. You figure out the cliche! But I’m still interested in Lawrie. For now.
Alex Guerrero – Mattingly blames Guerrero’s lack of consistent playing time on some monkey in the Los Angeles Zoo.
Elian Herrera – It’s the original Cuban raftee! On a side note (like any of this shizz ain’t side notes), have you seen that kid, Elian, lately that escaped to Miami from Cuba for like a week in the 90s? He’s gone full Sinatra in The Manchurian Candidate.
Logan Forsythe – I have such a mean game of MI musical chairs going (Thanks, Rendon!) that I was about to write I’ve enjoyed owning Forsythe, but I just looked at my team and it turns out that I now have Delino. Well, I still like Hulk Logan.
Yan Gomes – He’ll likely be activated shortly from the DL. Wanna pick him up? Yan can Gomes!
Logan Morrison – This ever happen to you? You’re cruising in first place and you get complacent. Then your solid team goes into a funk and you miss out on a lot of good pickups, so your first place team struggles. Meanwhile in another league, you’re not doing as well so you grab the hot pickups and that team ends up starting to do better than your first place team. I’m sure this happens to everyone, but Morrison made me think of it because I grabbed him in one league and now really need him in a different one. And this is the boringiest blurb ever. It sounds like we’re at any other fantasy site. Let’s call it fantasy (insert synonym for expert). If you’re starting a fantasy site, do me a favor and don’t just go with fantasy (insert synonym for expert). The earth’s creativity mother sheds a tear every time someone starts one of those.
Maikel Franco – I just went over my Maikel Franco fantasy. I wrote it while in a foxhole with Dick Whitman.
Jung-ho Kang – You want the good news first or the bad news? Okay, bad news is Kang is likely a .240 hitter. The good news is that’s still apparently better than Ian Desmond.
Chris Owings – It’s silly to say something like, “Hey this guy is on a something-something pace,” until about the midway point. Then it’s still a little silly, but slightly less so. For Owings, I think it works though, so humor me. He’s on pace for a 12 HR, 20 SB season. That would be about what he was last year too, in a full season.
Nate Karns – The Stream-o-Nator sees Karns’s next start like Rob Manfred watches each A-Rod homer. Pretty meh on the start, but I could see grabbing Karns before the start, just in case, because, if Karns has a great game, he’s going to be a quick add in all leagues.
Carlos Rodon – No better example of the New York influence on fantasy than what I saw the other day. Syndergaard was owned in 75% of leagues and Rodon in 30%. Rodon is better, for all intents and purposes, or porpoises if dolphins have taken over the earth by the time you read this.
Jesse Chavez – I’m a little surprised I’m having to work so hard for you to pick him Chavez. He hasn’t just been great this year, he was great last year too. Fo’reallies.
Mitch Moreland – He’s already halfway to his home run total from last year! *pauses, waits for you to go look at his stats* Hehe, okay, so he only had two homers last year. Moreland is a total Mitch boy, but I’d look at him in deeper leagues.
Chris Colabello – He’s a hot schmotato, plus he reminds me of Maria Bello, who is the hottest cougar in the history of cougars behind only Marisa Tomei and Elisabeth Shue. Why do I love old women? Is this weird? Or is this the new not-weird?
SELL
Ian Desmond – I hate selling low. Sorta despise it. But things are off with Desmond. His GB% is 60%, it was 50% last year; his line drive rate is 14%, last year it was 18%; his infield pop-up rate is up 3% too. To break that down so even Blake Shelton could understand it, he’s making awful contact. You make awful contact and bad things happen. Previous years of Moustakas and Gyorko every year are good examples of awful contact. I wouldn’t sell Desmond for a Mellow Man Ace Mentirosa cassette single, but I would explore options.
Jose Bautista – I own him. I am not trading him for three Pennies on the Desmond. He’s not Lost. Bautista is nursing an injury that could be serious trouble. I am admittedly an injuryphobe. I hate having guys struggle through injuries and Bautista’s is particularly scary because he can’t throw. He says it’s fine when he swings, but if it starts to be an issue then too? Ugh, then we’re in a pile of dinosaur poop searching with Laura Dern for a trade. Again, I wouldn’t trade Bautista for a colonic, but I would explore options.
