In the spring of 2018, the Catholic Church summoned Father Carmen Sandiego to the Vatican to give him the job to investigate miracles, supernatural signs and apparitions. Unfortunately, Father Carmen Sandiego, who wasn’t very good with his GPS, got lost for four days in the Steven Avery car lot in Wisconsin, then ended up in Milwaukee. When he wandered into the parking lot of Miller Park, and Brewers fans tailgating with MGD and cheese curds, everywhere Father Carmen Sandiego turned he heard about the resurrected Jesus Aguilar, so he chose to investigate. He found a player who had lowered his strikeout rate 8% from last year, upped his walk rate, cut his soft contact and could be a sneaky 25-homer, .275 guy. Jesus didn’t appear to him in a vision, he was flesh and blood, like the Lenny & Squiggy cosplayers he also encountered. However, Father Carmen Sandiego didn’t report back to the Vatican, instead he grabbed Jesus for his fantasy team. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Tucker Barnhart – He reminds me of this show I saw once in Tijuana, except the performer’s name was *ucker Barnhard.
Miguel Rojas – I always say, “Work for yourself, even if your boss is a doofus.” By that logic, Rojas is working for himself.
John Hicks – Everywhere I look Hicks has catcher eligibility, except where I need it, in my NFBC league, any Russians out there that could hack a fix?
Greg Bird – Half of me wants to mention Bird because I know there will be at least a dozen people who ask about him. Half of me wanted to leave him off because of those same dozen people. Unfortunately, my two halves can’t agree to come together. Where the hell is that magician who split me?
Mitch Moreland – You prolly heard the news today…oh, boy. Hanley was DFA’d. I’ve said this before, but insouciance doesn’t age well. It happened with Manny Ramirez; it happened with Andruw Jones; Hanley Ramirez is the latest victim. When you don’t care, eventually others stop caring. Moreland will now be on the strong side of a 1st base platoon, and should have an increase in value. He’s still a 22-homer, .255 guy, and that doesn’t change.
Ronald Guzman – *pays a sherpa in yaks, follows sherpa to top of Mt. Everest, blows on a vuvuzela* That’s me signaling Guzman is a hot schmotato. What other ‘pert goes to such effort to tell you a player is hot?
Josh Harrison – Jo-Ha has, of course, taken over the leadoff role again in Pittsburgh, and I went into earlier this week why that annoys me. By the by, Jo-Ha sounds like someone who would hang out with Ma Anand Sheela.
Daniel Robertson – There was a Launch Angle seminar at a Best Western in Parsippany, NJ this offseason with the guest speaker, Dwayne Murphy. If you looked in the back row, Robertson was there scribbling into his spiral notebook.
Austin Meadows – Some guys I’m heavily invested in to do well and get playing time, I have one share of Meadows, but it’s not imperative to that team that he performs. Yet — again with some stank — YET, I really want Meadows to succeed. Also, I gave you my Austin Meadows fantasy. It was written surrounded by walruses.
Travis Jankowski – If you want to know about Travis “Janky” Jankowski, simply search the site, a good seven of our writers have talked about him in the last week. Beginning to think some of these people would prefer to be writing for Jankyball.com. I can make it happen!
Mac Williamson – He returns from a Gallagher on the melon, but he does have a lot of power, and could be worth owning in all leagues. And, thankfully, he doesn’t spell his name Will.i.amson.
Ryan Tepera – Tyler Clippard nearly died for the W the other day. So handclap emoji great handclap emoji for handclap emoji him, but handclap emoji he handclap emoji still handclap emoji looked handclap emoji awful. Tepera may be the next to be battered. Panko, snitches!
Daniel Mengden – Rudy grabbed Mengden this week in one league, I believe for Mengden’s streaming possibilities. The Stream-o-Nator agrees, as it also agrees with standing in extra long lines at grocery stores so it can chitchat.
Jean Segura – This sell hurts me soul, Lupe Fiasco, because I own Segura, but, according to our Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool, he’s a sell. Sigh. Why can’t I have anything nice, which is also what I want it to say on my tombstone. Kidding, of course. On my tombstone, I want it to read, “I told you I was sick.” Let’s see why the Buysellatops, the Fantasy Baseball dinosaur, maybe saying to sell him. His average will come down, he’s hitting for no power, not really blazing speed on the base paths, the M’s are depleted and he’s a 11/24/.275 guy in the big picture. I would look at fair trades on the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer, but I would not sell Segura for a free entry into a shrimp tail tossing contest vs. a Benihana chef.