Jairo Diaz was told the Rockies will no longer have a designated closer. Bud Black is crazy, right? I mean, he is legit nuts or no? I know the Woke Police say you shouldn’t call people crazy, but if we don’t, then they might not get help and Bud Black needs help. I thought maybe Black was just slow on the uptake as witnessed by Garrett Hampson’s playing time. It’s not normal to go from not playing to suddenly being an everyday leadoff man, like Black just discovered Hampson this year. Garrett was good last year, you absolute loon! But this is about Jairo Diaz. He didn’t have the best of games (2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, ERA at 3.12), but Carlos Estevez (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.38), who saved the game, took a comeback off his hand, and was in severe pain, heading for x-rays. So, one guy’s been decent (Diaz), one guy is obviously injured, and the third guy, Daniel Bard (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.09) has been okay, but serious emphasis on “okay” and nothing more. That’s when you announce the guy with zero blown saves is no longer the closer? Bud Black is twenty-six screws short of an Ikea dresser. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jon Gray – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at…Guess. C’mon, you’ve heard the narrative this year. Rockies starters are all doing well. So, what’s Jon Gray’s ERA? Get it within 0.50 and you can win an ‘attaboy.’ Nope, you were way off; his ERA is 5.74.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .229. Was curious why this guy was doing so poorly, and I nearly fell off my chair (which I’m standing on to flex my calves). His strikeout rate going into yesterday’s game was 39% and his Hard Hit% was down ten percent from last year. Poor or no contact is one way to imitate Pete Kozma, but why you wanna? Hopefully yesterday’s game is the beginning of something better, but it can’t be worse.

Danny Santana – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL, but didn’t start. Would love to see Dannys Antana get back in the lineup and remind me why I drafted him in the top 150 overall. Was I…drunk? And, if I were Tipsy Gore, why couldn’t I have accidentally drafted Kole Calhoun instead of Willie (0-for-4, hitting .170)?

Rougned Odor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .151. You can’t spell Colorado without Odor, but if you did, it’s cola not Coors. Fun with words!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Hit the IL with an inflamed wrist. “I’m inflamed, pist. Make all-day suckers, hist. Yo, yo, yo, this is B. Fire! Looking for babysitters to hire? Hit me up!” Okay, thanks, B. Fire. Hopefully, Acuña can return next weekend and this isn’t a bigger issue than the Braves are making it out to be, but each day he’s supposed to be better, and each day he’s not 100% and I’m starting to freak out.

Max Fried – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.24. Fried? Fish had no chance. That’ll Treach ya, Arthur.

Lewin Diaz – 0-for-3 as he was called up when Corey Dickerson went on the bereavement list. Pretty mixed feelings for me on Lewin. Love him for power, but I don’t see where the at-bats are coming from this year. Marlins are benching Aguilar for no reason? Not a chance. They’re benching Dickerson when he returns on Monday/Tuesday? Nah. So, I dug Lewin, but no longer than five minutes to see him Wapner some balls.

Daniel Castano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Who? Don’t know, don’t care. This is about going against the Braves right now without Albies and Acuña, and I like that stream for a dollar.

Elieser Hernandez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.84. Read and fully digest what I said in the Castano blurb, then take Maalox if you own Acuña and Albies.

Stephen Strasburg – Hit the IL with “I didn’t really want to play this year and I tried for a game or two, but it was more like an inning and wake me when it’s 2021.” Hard to say how long he’ll be out with that, but my guess is all year.

Patrick Corbin – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.91. Corbin thought he could waltz into Camden town as the leader of the opposition party and not leave the PU.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Orioles walk into every game like the Hulkster, ripping their jersey off their chest and pointing to cardboard fans.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4 and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .271. In the 1st inning, Tito Santander put an eye rake to Scherzer’s implanted 3-D googlies, then finished him in the 7th with the flying forearm strike. Still Intercontinental Champion and forever!

Austin Hays – Hit the IL with a non-displaced rib fracture. These O’s are warriors, so should be an uptick in playing time for Mullins.

Pedro Severino – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. No joke, in shallower leagues, I’m debating not drafting a catcher next year, and then just grabbing whoever is hot the 1st week, and going from there.

Michael Brantley – Hit the IL with a quad injury. This should shore up Kyle Tucker’s playing time and–*checking to make sure he’s actually been playing*–Well, hopefully it helps Tucker, but with Dusty you never know. In That Young *ucker’s favor, as Dusty calls him, he hit a walk-off home run yesterday. He’s also hitting .195.

Yordan Alvarez – Returned this weekend and is day-to-day with knee pain. For next year’s fantasy baseball, we’re just going to draft one body part from different players. “I’ll take Giancarlo’s arms, Acuña’s legs, Judge’s hands and Yordan’s feet….For middle infielder…um…Who’s got good abs?”

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Sure am glad I started him for his one bad start. Streamonator hates his next start, and I agree. He’s an easy drop in shallower leagues.

Lance McCullers – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.47 vs. Justus Sheffield – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.12. This was a matchup of, “I expect better vs. I expect worse, and better was worse and worse was better.”

Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.88, as he started vs. the Cah…*sounding out an unfamiliar name*…are-day-inals. I don’t know. Anyone know what team this is? I also have some questions about who Giolito is, because I don’t recognize his crap pitching.

Dallas Keuchel – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.07. Always keeps it close. Must practice some kind of Keuchel exercises. *juvenile giggle*

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .259. His average has plummeted recently. Apparently, he had a falling out with his lover, BABIP.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .250. It only took two games before the entire Cardinals’ pitching staff fell apart because no one can throw more than a few innings. Pretty unfair what MLB did with the Cardinals, and they have no chance. Of course, I still want to own all their hitters, and none of their pitchers.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .230. No longer dragon us down, it’s the epic OBPWulf!

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .267. My boy Eloy!

Andrew Miller – Recorded the save on Saturday. So, he’s the closer? What happened to Gallegos and his giant turtles? Guess you can still hold to see how this shakes out, but my first inclination is always just go with the guy who is actually getting saves vs. supposed to get saves.

Aaron Judge – Says he feels 100%. That’s like 140% for regular-sized humans. Judge says he could play right now. Wait until he hears there are games going on right now and he’s not playing in them. Homeboy’s gonna be shocked.

DJ LeMahieu – Hit the IL with a sprained thumb. “Yo, DJ, what’s that new jam?” *through gritted teeth, not happy* “Thumb.” It seems the Yankees only need 60 games to show you they can injure every player on their team.

Mike Ford – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .194. Ford’s hitting forty-four points above where he should be according to this Kelley Blue Book.

Nathan Eovaldi – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.93. Only real knocks against the Red Sox are those against their pitchers.

C.J. Cron – Undergoing season-ending knee surgery. Cron has a serious case of Gamelitis. WebMd describes the condition as, “After struggling to get an everyday job for many years, when the chance finally presents itself, an unfortunate injury derails the player’s career. Originally made famous by Mat Gamel. Only known cure is a lucky BABIP in pinch-hitting situations.”

Shane Bieber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.30. Zach Plesac and Mike Clevinger Zoom’d into the clubhouse after to congratulate Bieber, saying, “Bro, that game was so awesome. You made the Tigers look as sorry as we feel,” then they jostled the laptop, and you could see they were doing body shots off a mule in an Akron-area club.

Adam Plutko – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.95. Plesac and Clevinger Zoom’d in after the game to talk to Plutko, “The mule’s trainer said for $5 we can get a lap dance–Where are we? Uh…the library.”

Franmil Reyes – 3-for-4, and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .316. Left with a bruised hand, but they’re saying the $54 Vending Machine Chateaubriand is fine and could be leading the majors in homers by this time next week. Well, they didn’t say the last part, but I did.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .277. Also, in this game, Francisco Lindor hit his 4th, and Sandy Leon hit his 1st. The Tigers daring the Indians to hit homers off them was not the salvage flex they thought.

Jose Berrios – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.92. Jose’s been Berrios Berrios bad to me.

Randy Dobnak – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.42. Regression Fairies want a piece of Dobnak as much as they want a piece of Gilmore Girls’ history by writing to Lauren Graham for an autograph.

Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .227, .314 OBP. Twins’ lineup is for sure stacked, but what exactly is Kepler doing hitting leadoff every day like he’s Rickey Henderson? Between Polanco and Arraez, they have two of the best contact guys in the majors. Why is this so confusing?

Sergio Romo – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.25, as he recorded his 3rd save. Taylor Rogers (1 IP, 0 ER) set him up in the 8th. Love when I spend a 10th round pick on a setup man. Terrific stuff.

Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. “Not sure which bin Dozier goes in. Just go ahead and lean him against the garbage and the recyclables–Wait a second! Dozier just moved! He’s alive!”

Kevin Gausman – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.21. One of the few pitchers who is pitching way better than his ERA — his K/9 and BB/9 respectively: 11.9, 1.8. That’s not just a solid backend starter; that’s an ace, assuming there’s a enough time this year for things to even out. But definitely buy low on Gausman, if you can.

Trevor Gott – 1 IP, 9 ER between Friday and Saturday combined. Gott should have firm control over the 9th inning going forward (during doubleheaders).

Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, and three homers in the last four games. Piscotty doesn’t know, but I know hot schmotatoes.

Bo Bichette – Hit the IL with a sprained right knee, and he might be out a while, if not the rest of the year. Replacing Bichette will be Panik, literally and figuratively.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. A) He’s never hit just one home run that wasn’t followed by another home run in the next game. Yes, I realize that means he should hit something like 150 homers every normal season, but don’t think about it too long. B) Have you seen the way the ball jumps out of Buffalo? Each fly ball goes by into the Buffalo wild winds. C) There’s no C.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.76.

Dominic Smith – 1-for-4 as Alonso sat. Where were you when you realized Dom Smith was the Mets’ star 1st baseman to draft and Pete Alonso was a role player? I was on the ledge of my building, scooting away a pigeon.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Okay, thought experiment! Nola has a 2.25 or lower ERA in 60 games, um, 12 starts, and Scherzer has a 3.75-ish ERA, who’s drafted 1st next year between them? Nola, right? People aren’t still tied to the Scherzer as a top three starter, are they?

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Positive and negative tests are nothing to joke about, so I am 100% serious when I say the Phils should pitch Nola and Wheeler, then pretend to have a positive test for four days until Nola and Wheeler are ready to pitch again.

Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .286. He’s replaced Eugenio Suarez on one mixed league team of mine, and, when the Reds return, I’m not sure I’m going back to Suarez. *NBC logo spins out*…The More You Know.

Jon Lester – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.74. The Regression Fairies prefer Antonio Banderas with long hair and they will destroy your ratios.

Kiebert Ruiz – 1-for-4 and, in his 1st major league at-bat, he hit his 1st major league homer. Kiebert said @#$%&!

Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .179. Muncy hitting home runs with a fractured finger, and I’m trying to think how we can put Muncy’s bionic fingers into Giancarlo’s hamstrings.

Dustin May – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.00. Starting a GoFundMe to send Dustin May, Julio Urias and Walker Buehler to Driveline so they can throw past the 5th inning.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .294. Want a guy who is legitimately changing my thoughts on him in a 60-game season? See, uh, Seager.

Brian Goodwin – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. In an inelegant way, Goodwin is showing why in a short-season, it’s better to go for production over upside. It’s inelegant because I don’t freakin’ have Goodwin, but have Jo Adell.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Been telling you to pick him up for about two weeks, so if you’re still wondering about him, check your chin. Is there drool? If so, cool trick reading this while being unconscious.

Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .197. *finger to ear bud* We are getting word that Eduardo Escobar has not retired.

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 0 hits, 6 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 8.59. Robbie Ray’s outsmarted us all, figuring out that if he doesn’t know where the pitches are going, neither can the hitters.

Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Solid, but unexciting, which is the exact opposite of opponent, Robbie Ray. You my brother Rob or Disco Bob?

Kirby YatesPadres’ manager and euphemism for sex toy, Tingler, says Yates has pain in the back of his elbow. That’s shorthand for “Can you throw with your other arm?” I doubt we see Yates again this year (and maybe not next year). Drew Pomeranz is the fill-in, and I looked at his backup, Emilio Pagan, then chickened out, which is not a good thing, even though we’re talking about San Diego.

Nick Senzel – Some speculation that Senzel was the one who tested positive, and why the Reds games were postponed on Saturday and Sunday. This comes on the heels of Senzel being escorted off the field and not joining the team for their victory high-five line that I thought they’re not supposed to do. Honestly, I have no clue. There were no positives on Saturday and Sunday, so they’re good to go…I think. I hope so since Sonny Gray and Trevor Bauer are singlehandedly (doublehandedly?) carrying some of my teams.

Nick Williams – Claimed by the Reds. Gotta love the Reds and their penchant for acquiring outfielders who they will never play. Have the Reds ever been on the show, Hoarders?