In the summer of 1937, a woman went into labor. This woman’s name was Alfonsa Soriano. She was 78 years old at the time and the doctors worried she wouldn’t be able to deliver a healthy baby and she risked her own safety. The baby and the mother made it through. Unfortunately, due to her age, her skin wasn’t as elastic as a woman half her age and she walked the rest of her life like she was just jumping hurdles. Her son, Alfonso Soriano, adopted her long gait — a way to pay homage? — and it helped him later in life. He said because of his long strides, he made sneakers last twice as long because he used half the number of steps as most people. Heartwarming. Also, heartwarming is his insane season. Yesterday, he hit two more homers to bring his season total up to 32 and he now sits at 98 RBIs and 79 runs. Yeah, you were counting on that when you drafted him in the last round of your drafts, or as a late $1 flyer. Look away for the next moment if you don’t own him: on our Player Rater, he’s the 6th best outfielder! In front of him, Chris Davis, Mike Trout, Adam Jones, Andrew McCutchen and Jacoby Ellsbury. Right after Soriano? Carlos Gonzalez! Absolute-Lee-Eff-In-Cray-Zee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. In hindsight, it seems obvious he would’ve hit a homer against the weak sister, Miguel Gonzalez, and the Hitter-Tron more or less agreed. Tron also loves him on Thursday and loves how hot his stainless steel oven makes him, even when it’s off.
Chris Davis – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 49th homer. That’s two behind club record 51 homers by Brady Anderson. “I’d just like to say…Dah, they’re uneven!” That’s Brady Anderson practicing his Orioles’ single season home run record concession speech as he examines his sideburns in a mirror.
Matt Harvey – Optimistic he can avoid surgery. Ugh, the Mets are Mr. Bungling someone’s career. Someone needs to sit Harvey down and have a heart-to-heart to tell him to just have the surgery. Where’s Stefanie Powers when you need her?
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI but left yesterday’s game grabbing at his hamstring. Right there. In front of everyone! Just grabbing at it. Sicko!
Dillon Gee – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Actually pitched better than his final line and better than Zimmermann; he just made a few mistakes and the Nats bats are hot(s)…Dah, an almost rhyme! Why do you mock me, Rhyming Gods?!
Matt den Dekker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal in only ten games. You know what this is, boys and four girls? A player digging in and getting dirty as he tries to prove why he should be a starter next year. I like it for deeper leagues if you’re struggling to find a hot bat.
Bryce Harper – Expects to return on Wednesday, which becomes Hump Your Fantasy Team Day for his owners.
Jayson Werth – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Member what I said in Gee’s blurb? No, of course you don’t. You have the worst memory since…Eh, I don’t know since when, I have to remember everything? Werth’s scorching everything he sees right now, leading the stacked Nats attack — another almost rhyme? Nooooo!!!
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Also looks like he’s locked in. (BTW, I watched the Gee start because Rudy has him and I wanted to root against him. Natch!)
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks in Metco. Here’s what I wrote prior to him giving up the last two runs, “He just didn’t look right last night, but he still put together a solid start.” Here’s what I wrote after he gave up the last two runs…
Jacoby Ellsbury – Scott Boras said Ellsbury would be ready for the playoffs. He also said, “Why can’t I see my reflection in this mirror?” For those not so great at reading between the lines, Ellsbury won’t be contributing again this regular season and Scott Boras has no soul.
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, but I missed the start because Yahoo doesn’t allow DL players to come off the day of. All the fantasy providers have their issues, but this alone has to be the stupidest. What is the point of this? Does this heighten my fantasy game experience? It just makes me crazy!
David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Red Sox. It’s time for no one’s favorite game but mine, What Has Price Done Since I Traded Machado For Him? In 106 2/3 IP, Price’s line is 7 wins, 2.78 ERA, 0.93 WHIP and 83 Ks. Yup.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5, 3 runs and a slam (1) and double helping of legs (15, 16). Now has five steals in the last eight games. I immediately went to pick him up when I saw his line from yesterday, but I missed him to someone else by about thirty minutes, because I was watching Low Winter Sun (don’t bother if you haven’t started). If Villar is out there for you and you need steals, I’d grab him.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 3 steals (33, 34, 35), and hitting close to .500 in September. Last night, Momma Altuve moved the umbrella stand by her front door, bent over and kissed Altuve’s growth chart mark for when he turned eighteen.
Hunter Pence – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 20th homer. One more home run and he can stop walking around with tissue boxes for shoes.
Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (19, 20). I’m glad he didn’t get hurt this year any more than his one usual 15-day DL stint, but I kinda wish he did so I’d have more reason to bitch about the Rockies playing Helton at first base when they could’ve been saving Cuddyer from needless work on defense.
Justin Upton – Left yesterday’s start after fouling a ball off his knee. He’s day-to-day with a bruise. That’s what Justin’s up to.
Julio Teheran – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and was removed after 111 pitches. By the end, he looked about as gassed as Chris Farley by the end of an SNL sketch. I think Fredi Gonzalez bought stock in the NASDAQ company, DRJA.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. It’s hard to not like him. Not because he lived for two years off of cheese he found in the inside of discarded pizza boxes, but because of how he swings a bat. He’s also hitting near-.340 in the last week with three homers.
Matt Kemp – Don Mattingly expects Kemp back this season. When a reporter told Mattingly there’s less than three weeks left, Mattingly said, “I thought it was April because without my mustache I’m an idiot.”
Tony Cingrani – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, but left the game with back spasms. This could mean Cueto gets put back in the rotation. I wouldn’t want any part of either of them right now. Too much riding on fantasy pennant chases to be risking it. Yes, that means I think the Reds’ pennant hopes are less important than your fantasy leagues.
Donnie Murphy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He has a hit in eight of the last ten games and two homers in that time. If you ask me if you should pick him up, I will say no.
Welington Castillo – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (5, 6). Hey, Welington, there’s the beouf!
Junior Lake – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th steal. I love me some Junior Lake, but the Cubs are crumby with crackers and not playing him every day so you need to platoon him. No, I have no idea why they’re not playing him.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Reds. The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start vs. the Pirates more than I do because I don’t like it at all.
Zach McAllister – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Royals. Well, he sure seemed like a safe stream. It would’ve been safer to tell John Luther that I’m holding his girlfriend captive.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Weird day yesterday for power, and my RCL benefited from it, having Rajai, Alcides and Aybar. Oddly enough, I’m trying for steals and I keep getting homers. It’s starting to feel like a charmed season for me. Wait, did I just jinx myself? How do I reverse that? Where’s Lisa Bonet and her voodoo when you need her?
Andrew Cashner – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in Philly. I’ll say it for you, sonavabench! If you did start him, I have some burning matches for you to play with. I wouldn’t trust Cashner and his 4.61 road ERA (prior to this start), which is pertinent because he goes to Pittsburgh next, if I’m using the word pertinent correctly.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI as he hits out of the three hole in the Padres lineup, which is the eight hole in the Tigers lineup. This week, Gyorko is hitting around .150 and he punched a guy in the nose when the guy addressed Gyorko by his last name.
Chase Headley – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Elias Sports Bureau said the three combined RBIs by Headley and Gyorko in yesterday’s game was a new team record.
Rene Rivera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs. After the game, he returned to his job as riverboat croupier. Who the hell is Rene Rivera?! Watch out, folks, the Padres are letting their prospects play. A snarky person would’ve put quotes around prospects. An even snarkier person would point that out.
Roy Halladay – Start pushed back because he has the flu. Stay in the hotel room and order a movie. Only thing you can do when you get the flu on Halladay.
Tyler Cloyd – 4 IP, 7 ER. Peg Boy.
Cody Asche – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer, and third homer this week, i.e., his third homer since I told you to pick him up. Grey hearts Asche.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (13, 14). He’s hitting .207 on the year, and has done nothing to warrant picking him up all year, but I’d be like a cyclops with a monocle with him in case he gets hot in these final weeks.
Rick Porcello – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I gotta laugh with Porcello. He strikes out a bunch of hitters, and gets me excited, then he goes out, gets mollywhopped and looks lost, giving up earned runs. Then, he stops striking guys out and throws up a complete game. *shrugs* You got me Porcello, I’m officially perplexed. You are a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of clouds and I have five empty slots and only four pieces left. Porcello, are you under the couch?
Prince Fielder – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. I just had a beautiful thought, Rajai, the King of SAGNOF, adopts Prince. Not because he’s fast, but because Prince needs a father figure. I just don’t want to see Rajai let Prince sit on his lap.
Alex Avila – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting over .350 in the last week, but he’s not even the everyday catcher. It’s like a 70/30 split with The Spanish Donkey, Brayan Pena.
Shelby Miller – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.05. He gets the Mariners, Brewers and Nats in his final three starts, and if I were the Cards, I’d shut him down after the Mariners start. I say that as a Shelby keeper owner. Please don’t ruin him for 2014!
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. I picture Fatt Adams playing baseball in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts. Am I the only one?
Colby Rasmus – Possibly returning this week. That’s also the answer to, did Colby Rasmus get hurt or retire?
Edwin Encarnacion – Sat out yesterday with a sore wrist. Ugh. He’s not the type to sit out over the slightest of ailments, so this could be something of concern. I’m forming a prayer decagon that he’s okay.
Mark Buehrle – 4 IP, 8 ER. He gave up three homers, but said afterwards, “All three were catchable by Dewayne Wise.”
Rajai Davis – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. It’s amazing the King of SAGNOF could even get around on pitches cloaked in a velvet robe.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Ball was traveling pretty well in Toronto for guys without a lick of power (Erick Aybar also homered in this game). They must all be living in fear of Rajai. “I will have Kevin Pillar slap you with my glove.” That’s Rajai as he eats caviar with chopsticks, or something equally quirky.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. Hit five more homers, you jockstuffer!
Mark Trumbo – 5-for-5, 5 runs, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. His incentive clause kicked in yesterday, now for every RBI he gets the rest of the way, Arte Moreno will buy him a Caribbean island. “Cougs, for our honeymoon, I wanna go to Trinidad and Trumbo.”
Chris Iannetta – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Hitting over .300 in the last week with three homers. I’m not excited about it, but he looks like a hot schmotato.
Starling Marte – Took swings in the batting cage yesterday. He then took part in a romantic comedy montage with Cameron Diaz.
Charlie Morton – Says he can start on Friday. Plan B is Brandon Cumpton. Plan C is your grandmother’s nurse.
Jordy Mercer – 4-for-5, 1 run. Up until yesterday a career day for Mercer was, “Mom, I got into the game!”
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, helping the Pirates win their 83rd game for the first time since 1992. The last time they won 83 games, Sharon Stone asked, “What are you gonna do? Charge me with smoking?” and showed her vagina, our president incumbent was getting hummers from an intern, and Los Angeles rioted. Are we making progress?
