Angel Pagan might be out the season, but will definitely be out until September. Too bad, so sad, don’t forget to write, don’t write too often, waste of paper. Hey, Gregor Blanco, come on down! You are the next contestant on The SAGNOF Is Right. How many steals can you steal this year? Peter Bourjos says 20. Not bad, but seems a little low. Jacoby Ellsbury says 60. Whoa, that’s way too high; you’re not gonna win a trip for two to Mount Rushmore like that. Michael Bourn says 35. That’s not bad; he’s practiced this at home with his grammy. Oh no, Darin Ruf says 1. Damn you, Darin Ruf! Now I have to guess exactly or go with 2, but then Marlon Byrd can say 3 and I’m screwed. I’ll say…28. Byrd goes with 2, and Ruf gives him the stink-eye. Drew Carey says… Oops, when he pulled out the card an eight ball of coke fell out of his pocket. The correct answer is 32! I win! Next up, Plinko! Fitting since Gregor sounds like a Pinko. Sure, Blanco’s not an exciting name and is only the lede because there were four games yesterday, but he still has lots of value. This news is the equivalent to a new closer taking over. Blanco won’t kill you in average, and has been hitting near .500 in the last week. Blanco is a guy I’d grab in every single league if I needed speed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Bochy said he was happy with Sandoval’s weight loss since his injury. After the game, Sandoval was just happy to remove that stupid girdle.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 1st inning homer to Puig. Bumgarner thought it was an easy pop-up off the bat when Sandoval started screaming, “I got it,” but Pablo was just reading Puig’s jersey.
David Price – Threw a bullpen session on Sunday afternoon in Tampa. Doesn’t that sound so pleasant? The only thing that could make it better is if there were a chorus line of Hooters girls in their auburn hosiery.
Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks. Solid start, but I wouldn’t go as far to say it’s great since he walked Rasmus three times and Edwin once. (Obviously Hellickson reads Razzball and knows about Rasmus on short schedule days.) Hellickson got completely demolished by the peasant Royals two starts ago and gets the Tigers next. I wouldn’t go near Hellickson with a ten-foot pole. I also wouldn’t go near a ten-foot Pole named Stanislaw.
Wil Myers – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Whatever, the Royals have David Lough to man right field and they got a pitcher that has made them a just-under .500 team. You can’t put a price on that. Only because you can’t label prices with negative numbers.
James Loney – 1-for-4 with a solo homer. Blah-Loney was dropped in my 12-team mixed league and I can understand it. He’s hitting .244 in June with 2 homers. The magic of turning crizzappy 1st basemen into stars might’ve left the Rays building (through a trap door in a cloud of smoke).
Sam Fuld – 1-for-3 and a solo homer. This was Fuld’s 2nd homer of the year. That-that-that’s all folks!
Jose Reyes – Will be activated on Wednesday. Finally, there will be someone to answer before each game when they sing, “Jose, can you see?”
Esmil Rogers – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Esmil isn’t pitching with the Jays simply because of nepotism. He’s not related to Rogers Centre. Since there were less games yesterday than the first round of the playoffs, I watched Rogers and he looked like he had Cashner disease. He throws fast, but he’s not getting the strikeouts you’d like to see. For now, I’d leave him for AL-Only leagues.
Michael Wacha – Being skipped at Triple-A so he has some bullets in the chamber like DCI John Luther. (BTW, best show you haven’t seen yet on Netflix streaming. Seriously, watch it right now.)
Oscar Taveras – Still has ankle soreness. Geez, taking a long time for him to rehab his ankle. Unless he’s faking it. The Oscar goes to…Oscar! No, probably not. It doesn’t really matter, because, as I’ve been saying, he has nowhere to play anyway, i.e., it’s not in the Cards.
Jayson Werth – Hoping to return Tuesday night after pulling his groin muscle. TMI!
Bryce Harper – On track to return this weekend as he will start his rehab assignment today in High-A Potomac. Surprised Apple hasn’t changed that to the iPotomac.
Matt Kemp – Could be activated from the DL today after meeting with team officials in LA, who will be dressed as their favorite Superman character for a special tie-in promotion. Hopefully, General Manager Zod Colletti doesn’t have any bad news.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He keeps going like this and major league baseball teams are going to be surveying every raft off the coast of Miami.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks. Not a pretty game with all of those baserunners, but his ERA is 2.85, so you’ll take that and like it.
Ryan Howard – Couldn’t play yesterday due to his sore knee. Eh, you don’t need an excuse Howard, no one played yesterday. I’m guessing whoever made up the baseball schedule had a hot date last night.
Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 1 ER, blown save, but it was much worse with him also giving up two inherited runners from Lee. Obviously, Papelbon saw Valverde close for the Tigers and is taking his audition seriously.
Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Padres. Pretty unfair fight, but luckily the Padres had Papelbon working for them. Figures, the whole Papel/Friars connection.
John Mayberry – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals. Must’ve misheard when Charlie Manuel said, “Hit or else, ‘Berry!”
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. “So…about Arencibia?”
Chase Utley – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer and no obliques were injured!
Mike Adams – It’s possible he needs labrum surgery. Will depend what says good ol’ doctor, Dr. Neal ElAttrache, whose last name sounds like one of the worst Nike sneakers ever made.
Roy Halladay – Played catch yesterday. Well, he played throw and someone else played catch.
Jedd Gyorko – Could return this weekend. So far, Gyorko hasn’t had any problems with his groin. Seriously, fellas, you’re oversharing.
Kyle Blanks – 4-for-5, 1 run and 3 RBIs with four singles. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a 300-plus pound player had four singles in a game since 1967 when McDonald’s introduced the double with cheese.
Eric Stults – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.20. This is such an unlikely year for Eric Stults that it seems like John Hughes is playing fantasy baseball in heaven.
Alex Rodriguez – Set to begin rehab on July 1st. He’ll be rehabbing his inability to say no to girls with muscles.
Mark Teixeira – Has pain in his wrist still. It sure will be fun when we get this next March, “Hey, Grey, your stache is my north, south, east and west, but why is Tex ranked so low? The Yankees say he’s healthy.”
Ricky Nolasco – Marlins are aggressively shopping him. Razzball Exclusive! Here’s an overheard phone call made by Jeffrey Loria, “Hello, Angels, do you want Nolasco? Okay, how about Mike Trout? No? Hmm… How about the rights to Tim Salmon to be our broadcaster? Yes, I’m serious. I only do trades for the fans. Actually, scratch that Salmon deal. I’m sorry, you’re right, we can get more. How about Nolasco for a can of orange paint? My luxury box countertop is chipped.”
Wandy Rodriguez – Due back this week. Finally, we can find out from ESPN where Gerrit Cole is in relation to Wandy. How have we dealt with all of these starters without their Wandy belchmark?
Asdrubal Cabrera – Could return by the end of the week, assuming the Mayans don’t drop another world cutoff on us.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Now has 3 homers in the last 5 days to go with 2 steals. Hitter-Tron didn’t love Brantley this week, but Hitter-Tron gets hot by rubbing his stuff against Lady Liberty half dollars, so there’s that.
Nick Swisher – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI in his 2nd game back from his injured shoulder. He’s only hitting .236 with 7 homers, but it wouldn’t surprise me to see him get very hot at some point. Maybe now that his shoulder has cleared up he can start hitting as sexy as those damn sideburns.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-3 and his 8th steal. He’s been batting ninth, but he’s hitting near .325 in the last week with 2 steals and a homer. Looks like Stubbs BBQ comes with a side of hot schmotato.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.58. Member when he was the meow’s cat? He was doing that in Coors too. It’s like a guy that can only pick-up hot chicks. Basically, a guy that doesn’t exist.
Zach Britton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering (raising?) his ERA to 5.51. Britton vs. the Indians was a rematch of the Seven Years Year, which was originally over fur, but both times the Indians dealt with screams of “Ubaldo!”
Dylan Bundy – Had a setback when throwing. Sounds like the Orioles top prospect is headed for Tommy John surgery. If Bundy would’ve just sat on the couch with his hands in his pants, this would’ve never have happened.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4 and a solo homer, his 8th, as he bats .292. This gives hope to Moustakas. Having a sister with a mustache isn’t bad luck.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, which comes after he was oh for his last 11 and 2-for-19. See ya again in five days!
Wei-Yin Chen – Threw a simulated game on Monday. Everyone in the stands wore 3-D glasses and the hitters were covered in blue paint. It was pretty cool. I stashed Chen in one league where we need pitching (assuming Rudy hasn’t dropped him as of this writing). He’s pretty marginal in mixed leagues (as you’ll see from his projections on his player page), but he could be a back end starter in deeper mixed leagues. Think high-6 K/9 and low 2 BB/9.
Freddy Garcia – O’s sent him to Triple-A. He’s putting the AAA in JAAAbroni.
