Didja you know The Captain from Captain & Tennille’s real name is Daryl Dragon? Why would this guy have a nickname? Your name’s awesome, you don’t get a nickname. Daryl Dragon has bedtime slippers that are cooler than you. Daryl Dragon washes his hands, then breathes a not-very-intense fire on his hands to dry them. Daryl Dragon can’t get a speeding ticket. “Okay, Mr. Dragon, I’ll let you go this time with a warning because your name is Daryl Dragon.” Any the hoo! Michael Pineda continues to dominate sans pine tar fingers. At least I don’t think he has pine tar on his fingers. Imagine he was really a Caucasian pulling a fast one? His ERA is now down to 1.93 after a 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 8 Ks gem. For 2015, I picture him being overdrafted due to the Yankees thing and the insanely low ERA, but it’s gonna be hard to be as excited about him due to his 6.30 K-rate, and 3.61 xFIP. You, sir, are no Daryl Dragon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ichiro Suzuki – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals (14, 15). Ichiro’s still got it! The it there is a venereal disease he got from using Matsui’s old locker.
Masahiro Tanaka – Said he felt good after Sunday’s start and will go again on Saturday vs. the Red Sox. If he beats all odds and returns from a UCL tear without surgery, it will be a heartwarming story of intestinal fortitude not seen since the guy who ate Taco Bell 45 days straight. Oh, wait, that was me.
Steve Pearce – Aiming to return on Wednesday. He should put one of those urinal flies on Wednesday on his calender. That always helps me aim.
Desmond Jennings – Done for the season. If Desmond was your constant, you’re in trouble.
Jason Kipnis – Didn’t start yesterday due to a tweaked hamstring. A hamstring with a nice Jewish boy? Go, be with your goy friends, you nogoodnik.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 2.64. He gets one more start this year, as with everyone else. Well, not everyone gets one more start. But the guys that are throwing one more time do. Hmm, I’ve painted myself into a logic corner. Okay, one more time! The guys who pitched yesterday should get one more start this year. There that made sense. I need a nap! *claps hands* Hey, y’all! I’m back! Any the hoo! Carrasco has a solid next start on the Stream-o-Nator and I’d roll him out one more time.
Michael Bourn – 2-for-3. Member when he was fast? From memory, you probably think it was at some point this year. He has 10 steals in 428 ABs. Y to the ikes. Maybe Bourn got hit on the head and thinks he’s Billy Butler. Perhaps that’s also why he wears a bra.
Norichika Aoki – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 17th steal. Like Martin Luther King Jr., I had a dream. My dream wasn’t profound or humanity-serving. It was a dream where Aoki was this effin’ hot all year rather than just in the last week.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4 and his 27th steal. Cain…Sugar! has been on my team for the last week, and yesterday I benched Alex Gordon to start Cain because I picked up too many batty calls. How did I make that decision? Well, besides Gordon being Eskimo pee cold, Cain’s batting third and Gordon’s batting 6th. Tells you a little something about what the manager is thinking too.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.32. If someone in your league drafts a starter in the first five rounds, turn to them — assuming they are in the same room, and an actual other person and not just an alias you made up — and say, “Danny Duffy had a 2.32 ERA last year.”
Collin McHugh – Shut down for the year. Well, at least they did it right after weekly lineups locked so you didn’t have a chance to drop him. Wait, do I have that reversed. *beep, beep.* Cougs, I didn’t say put our minivan in reverse. Ugh, forget it. Her ears are going.
Eric Stults – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Tyler Matzek (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks) in Petco. You know how Rocky trains in Russia to fight Drago? I suggest the Rockies train in the offseason inside a vacuum. This way they’re still good in Coors, but they can actually play elsewhere.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.38. To be a fly on the wall as Beltran watches the playoffs at home and drops his popcorn when Wainwright throws a curve.
Jon Jay – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and has back-to-back games of multiple hits. Not exactly a hot schmotato yet, but there was no offense yesterday and The Federalist looks like he could be heating up, so I’m forcing the hot schmotato Card.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting near-.350 in the last week with two homers in the last four days. Grichuk? Hey, yours is not to reason why, yours is to pick up a hot schmotato or die.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 13th steal. He did next-to-nothing in his four game set in Coors and now he heats up. He really is a Pollock.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 17th steal. Another guy that looked like he was busy counting sheep in Colorado, and now does something. Speaking of counting sheep (or maybe it’s lambs or maybe it’s furry fruit called kiwis), I went to the Dodgers game last night with everyone’s favorite New Zealander commenter, SteveNZ! That’s right, he was in the states for a weekend, going to Disney with his family, and I went to the game with him! Best night of my life? Definitely top ten! Sorry, Cougs, that bumps our wedding out of the top ten. You still have a slot in the top 15!
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third in two games. Better late than never? I guess if you’re trying to help my fantasy team go from 8th to 7th.
Josh Collmenter – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.57. The Stream-o-Nator is not a huge fan of Collmenter’s…Actually, no one outside of his family is a huge fan, but I could see streaming if I were desperate.
Gregor Blanco – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was at this game, but I missed this homer. What? The homer was in the 1st and everyone knows real Angelenos don’t show up until the 3rd.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.32. Did anyone think he’d be remotely close to my preseason projection of a 3.24 ERA, when he had a 4.72 ERA in mid-July? Not me, that’s sure.
Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.60. Can’t tell if The Harangutan’s ERA is good because offense is so weak or every pitchers ERA is good and it’s simply monkey see, monkey do.
Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.31. Great, yes? Leaps and bounds better than the Netflix show, Derek? Oh, God, yes. That might be the worst show ever that I keep wanting to watch. Holland gets the A’s in his last start of the year, and they could be playing for a playoff berth, so it’s risky, but likely they will have clinched by then, and Holland will get a B-lineup. Not that the A’s A-lineup has been much more than B lately. Got that? Good!
C.J. Wilson – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Flake free my ass.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.88. He looked like he might get into some trouble early, but then Billy Beane hit the weight room even harder and Samardzija got out of it.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take it and anything else he’s got to give this year, but it’s slightly more bizzonkers than usual for The Sciosciapath that he’s playing all his stars every day after they clinched.
Adam Eaton – Left the club to deal with some family matters. Probably some mess Urkel got into.
Anibal Sanchez – Activated from the DL, but will work out of the bullpen for the rest of the season. He’s not stretched out enough to throw lots of innings or touch his toes.
Chris Bassitt – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Kyle Lobstein (7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks). This matchup of Lobstein vs. Bassitt was billed as “Who the hell are these guys? Is this a tennis match?” The Stream-o-Nator actually doesn’t hate Lobstein’s final start of the year, so if you’re in dire straits and have a boo-boo on your little finger, I could see streaming him.
Tyler Flowers – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Hopefully, you thought of your special lady friend and went with Flowers for the batty call.
Jake Petricka – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 14th save. Looked like he had lost the job last week when he came into a game in the 8th and Putnam kept saving games, but Robin Ventura keeps trying to make Petricka the closer for some reason. Maybe he made a bet: $5 says you can’t look more stupid than you already have.
Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. When Pillar got back to his hotel room, he had a voice message from his best friend, Jason Paritek, congratulating him. Shame David Portiz didn’t send his well wishes too.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Because I’m Happy! May that song stick in your head and haunt you until your end of days.
Anthony Gose – 1-for-1 and his 2nd homer. He homers so infrequently, rounding the bases he follows a trail of breadcrumbs left by his mother.
Jose Bautista – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer. Currently, on the back end of the site, I’m writing up my recaps for each position that will be posted next week. The number one 1st baseman? I’ll give you hint, he’s the guy this blurb is about.
James Paxton – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER. I’m going to just leave my drink here with this nice man who’s carrying a chainsaw and go to the bathroom. *five hours later* Hey, I must’ve blacked out. Oh, wait a second, I didn’t black out, they transplanted my brain into a black man’s body. AH!!! Roofie!
Chris Denorfia – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I actually slide him into one of my teams for the batty call because it’s not just my mustache that’s flippin’ awesome. I’ve loved you, Chris Denorfia, since the day you rejected my prom invite until today!
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. How did Seager hit that homer? Against the wind.