We’re about two weeks from September call-ups, or as we call it in my house, “One more month and Cougs gets back the Fantasy Master Lothario,” or as they call it in Prospector Ralph’s house, “Let’s make another baby,” or as they call it in any Cubs fan’s house, “Start drinking heavily now so the heartbreak of October is a blurry haze.” By the way, whatever team faces the Cubs in the World Series should pay Steve Bartman to throw out a first pitch of one of the games. Bartman, “I won’t do it.” “We’ll give you $50,000.” “Do you want me to throw out the first pitch while riding on the back of a goat?” So, that brings us to who will be the top September call-up, or at least for hype, Yoan Moncada. About a week ago, Moncada injured his ankle, but he’s likely to be fine in a week. In about 12 days, every fantasy baseball site will be telling you to grab Moncada, so it depends on how quick you need to react in your league on when you grab him, but I would in most leagues. “Why, Unkie Grey, what does Moncada do? Can he help me talk to girls?” Yes! If those girls live in Boston, have red hair and are named Francine. Would you be interested if I told you Moncada went 13/44 in only 97 games with a .300 average? How about if I told you he’s going to play in one of the best offensive parks with one of the best hitting teams? What if I said he’d move your car on street cleaning day? He will do all of that (minus the moving of the car, but it’s good if you get out of the house once in a while). Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Sandy Leon – He’s hitting .382 with 7 HRs. If you were as discerning in your real life as you are in what catcher to pick up, you’d never get laid.
Brandon Moss – I said last week I would never tell you again to pick up Moss, but Last Week Grey is gone. I’m a kinder and gentler Grey, I see the ray of sunshine in each one of your hearts, call me Albright.
Justin Morneau – Sure, he’s about eight months from signing a one-day deal with the Twins so he can retire, but he has been hitting recently. By the way, if I were a team, and a player came to me, asking if we’d sign him for one day so he could retire with us, I’d say, “How about five years ago when you were good and we wanted to sign you to a smaller-monied contract to stay with us and you instead decided to take the money and run? Get out of my office! And no we don’t validate!”
Howie Kendrick – Has been hitting near-.450 in the last week. Gotta say, lately, Kendrick has been pitch perfect! What? I have to appeal to our five girl readers sometimes. I don’t forget my ladies. Crap, I think I was supposed to pick up Cougs from her mechanic! I wonder why she keeps sleeping over there. Hmm…
Brandon Phillips – When he’s been on the field, he’s been hitting for power and running, BP’s showing good energy! This was brought to you by me trying to get a British Petroleum sponsorship.
Cesar Hernandez – Love what this guy has been doing recently (don’t love it, but he’s been sorta hot and has speed, even though he gets caught stealing a lot with his not pretty larceny. Those with parenthetical blindness are much more excited about this guy.)
Yulieski Guerriel – I already gave you my Yulieski Guerriel fantasy. It was written on the back of a pickup truck in a black and white John Mellencamp video.
Alex Bregman – Well, he’s been better than A.J. Reed, I’ll give him that. Maybe Bregman needed two weeks to adjust to the major leagues. Mike Trout once needed three months, so Bregman will be better than Trout next year. Perfect logic!
Ryon Healy – I could see adding Healy for a hot corner infidel. Honestly, I can’t see myself adding him, but I could see it by someone else. Like by a guy who has a Billy Beane cardboard head that holds it in front of his face and talks through the cut-out lips. “Can I have a hot pretzel?” “Sir, can you please lower the Beane head?”
Luke Weaver – Was surprised to see the Stream-o-Nator excited about Weaver’s next start, but perhaps it’s just hoping for some attention, being such a lonely robot. Not surprised because I think Weaver’s trash, but SON usually veers away from rookies.
Andrew Cashner – Full disclosure: I struggled with finding even two guys to stream in the upcoming days. Ariel Miranda? If you have nothing nice to say, remain silent. Chad Bettis? How about Jerome Bettis? (Clumsy linkbait: Our fantasy football leagues are signing up, go join!) Ross Stripling? I’d rather stream Marcel the monkey. So, Cashner it is with little other option.
Adam Ottavino – The Otto Sommelier says if you don’t pick him up, y’all a bunch of walruses!
Brandon Kintzler – If you need saves, see no reason to not own him. Kintzler? I hardly knew her! That never gets old! *two seconds later* Meh, it’s kinda old.
Tyler Thornburg – You might also know him by the name Tyler, the Thornburger, from his most famous song, Bonkers. “I’m a SAGNOF’ing paradox, no, I’m not. Threesomes with effin’ Blaine Boyer and Corey Knebel. The success is the best revenge, so I beat Damien Magnifico up with the stack of magazines I’m in. Oh, not again! Craig Counsell writing a report, holding the pen with a crazy contort.”
Mitch Haniger – Mitch don’t kill my vibe, Mitch don’t kill my vibe, I can feel your energy from two planets away. To mix rap allusions, I get the Maas Appeal feeling from Mitch. He had 24 HRs and 10 SBs in the minors this year, with a .351 average in Triple-A. Maybe he’s Quad-A, due to his age, but I’m rolling him out there on a couple of teams.
Keon Broxton – He’s been stealing like crazy, and it’s not a fluke with his speed. Though, I’ll admit that when I think of Broxton I don’t think of speed; I think of a giant ass.
Jorge Soler – Baez and Soler have both fallen out of favor with fantasy owners, and I wonder if they’ll ever get back in our good graces. I sound like a fantasy baseball PR person. Go kiss some babies, Soler!
Ender Inciarte – How has he stayed so under the radar while hitting in all but two of the last 34 games? I think the CIA is in the middle of this Inciarte conspiracy.
Paulo Orlando – He’s been hitting the cover off the ball lately, which isn’t cool for the Malaysian children that stitch all the balls together.
Justin Upton – Yes, you should drop him. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Here, I’ll make it up to you. *places ad on Craigslist, corresponds with answerer of ad, pays money* Okay, it’s still bigger than I wanted, but for under $10 it’s the world’s smallest violin that I could find. I will now hire the world’s smallest violin instructor to teach me how to play it for you.
Jason Heyward – ProTip! Go to our 30-day Player Rater for hitters (or pitchers, I don’t care), click on the dollar sign so it’s sorted from worst to best, then scroll down with an eye on the Owned%. Guys over 50% that have a negative dollar value are guys you own that are not good.
Jay Bruce – Two years now in a row he’s been next level terrible in August, and last year he was awful in September too. Really wanna wait it out to see if the pattern holds? Do you also own a striped shirt that has in big letters, “Patternfamilias?”