The Jurickson store called and they’re out of you so please report back to your nearest Jurickson store, because the A’s called up Franklin Barreto, who was named PCL Player of the Month. I just want to see Barreto on top of a Caprese salad, and then I’m going to dream I’m in Tuscany with Diane Lane and will hang a Do Not Disturb sign from my door for three whole minutes. “Diane, did you enjoy that as much as I did?” “I’ve never been satisfied. Can I call you Hugh Jack-in-the-Box?” “I’d be honored.” Then we return from Tuscany and get bogged down in bills…stress…PTA meetings, but we’d always have three minutes in Tuscany to remember fondly. In June, Franklin Burrata collected nine homers, three lasagnas and 13 doubles, and he hit .387 with 32 RBIs. His overall minors numbers were 65/12/48/.296/13 in 277 ABs. He’s now on his 3rd call-up to the majors, and each time his Ks have skyrocketed like the fireworks that Diane saw in her eyes after our three minutes. Franklin Barreto will be the A’s regular second baseman moving forward, and Bob Melvin is excited to see what he can do. I’m with Bob! Which is what I say in every south Florida massage parlor, after explaining I want Lui-Sue to pretend she’s Diane Lane. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Christian Vazquez – Not only a catcher, but might be the hottest bat in the entire nation, and that’s including the fruit bat that John Malkovich keeps in his closet to suck his blood for old school transfusions.
Danny Jansen – Two catchers? It is a holiday weekend!
Eric Thames – “Are those smelling salts you’re curing that salmon with?” “Yes, for Thames.” “Well, it worked! You un-lox’d him!”
Austin Slater – Here’s what I said the other day, “(Slater) had 12 HRs, 6 SBs and a .308 average in Triple-A, and is 26 years old. Not to get off the beaten path to beat a dead horse, but can you imagine the Giants waiting this long to call him up? Because they wanted to see what they had with Alex Dickerson and Mike Yastrzemski? I kinda expect Slater to inexplicably get platooned, so I’d only look at him in deep leagues for now, but he does have some power and speed.” And that’s me quoting me!
Kevin Newman – *wavy lines indicating a dream sequence* Hey, I’m about to place a huge Cole Tucker bid. This is gonna be awesome! I won’t need to use FAAB dollars for another middle infielder all year! Also, why is Giancarlo wearing a whipped cream bikini? Oh my God, that’s not whipped cream, that’s a body cast? AHHH!!! *wavy lines* That wasn’t a dream! That was a nightmare! Mislabeled dream sequence alert!
Keston Hiura – Who loves Hiura more than me?! Shake your body spastically in my direction! I am your Osho!
Cavan Biggio – Son just gave you his Cavan Biggio fantasy. It was written while Son was hang-gliding over the set of the latest Marvel movie for exclusive pics.
Isan Diaz – Prospect Mike went over Isan Diaz the other day as a stash, and I am all aboard! Isan in my fantasy brain! How’sever, I did talk to a Marlins beat writer about Diaz’s impending call-up and it sounds like August, so this might be premature, which is something no one’s ever accused me of being before!
Miguel Rojas – Just went over Rojas this morning. It was so good you needs to go checks dat shizz out!
J.P. Crawford – Think Crawford’s already cooled off from his insane 4 (5? 6?) day streak, but I could see the flyer on him to see if there’s more here (I don’t think there is — wow, this is a buy with a capital question mark.)
Jeimer Candelario – He was a preseason favorite of mine. I was dancing around, singing, “The Candy Man can!” Then I started singing, “The Candy Man should sit on the can because he’s sh*t,” but now he’s back and hitting, so I’m interested again.
Franmil Reyes – He could hit a home run for each dollar it takes to purchase a $54 vending machine steak!
Brendan McKay – I’m grabbing McKay for his bat and his arm and because he sounds like how a dad in the 90s would’ve called a 90210 character.
Chris Bassitt – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to a pet store to find out if it has a watermelon costume for its Border Collie.
Martin Perez – This is the last Streamonator call before the break. “I just want it to be more melancholy.”
Liam Hendriks – The A’s bullpen is elementary, my dear Watson! That element is Boron, except it’s spelled Mboron and the B is silent. Obviously, the A’s should use Hendriks instead of Treinen, but they’re dealing with some Mborons.
Taylor Rogers – “Sometimes our parents do things that we don’t always understand like when dad drinks and calls his secretary at two in the morning and says, ‘I just really need to talk about the Twins’ pen,’ and he’s not talking about how Taylor Rogers is the Twins’ closer but he’s talking about how his secretary puts a pen in her breasts to write notes to him.” — a quote from Mr. Rogers.
Austin Adams – I get the sense the Mariners want this guy to be their closer. Or they’re decorating a dorm room and think he’s Ansel Adams.
Nathan Eovaldi – Apparently, the new Red Sox closer. If the platypus is a duck designed by a committee, the Red Sox’s bullpen is a yuck designed by committee.
SELL
Hyun-Jin Ryu – More like Ryuken! Which is you screaming in a white tattered karate gi, giving me the surgefist into my gut because I listed Ryu. I’m a bad person, I knew this. I mean, have you even read my (e)book? The New York Times (e)Book Review said, “(e)Books can stay with you a lot longer than we ever imagine, and not simply because we get that stupid pinwheel and our Adobe Reader won’t close. Grey’s (e)book, however, that’s a tour de farce of one unsympathetic character that you hope you never meet.” I’m not saying Ryu will just completely collapse. I rank him in my top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming next week, but has Ryu pitched more than 152 IP in five years? No, he has not. I love him, but to think he’s going to pitch a full 2nd half seems silly. I’d check the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer to see what you can get for him. I wouldn’t trade him for a face tattoo with a typo, but I would explore options.
