Luis Severino is set to lose his Cincinnati V-plates today. That’s cool kid slang for “virginity”. So I guess while we’re on the topic, what does a virgin and a virgin have in common? The more they get slammed, the looser they get. Hopefully the same isn’t true for Sev’ in his ninth home start against the Reds. I could make so much more sexually awkward Dad funnies, but it’s probably time to think outside the box (wink emoji). Back to beisbol, Sev is perhaps one of your better DFS plays on this fine Wednesday. He’s coming off a seven inning six kayyy shutout at Safeco last week, and even though he comes at a price of $9,600, he’s one of your better options. Here’s the rest of the hump day slate:

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Jake Arrieta, SP: $9,400 – Jake has given up three home runs in his last three starts, but hey, that’s just a little number, it’s still good, it’s still good! The White Sox have only four home runs themselves this week, but aside from Melky Cabrera and Avisail Garcia, the rest of the lineup is star-fishing hard. Jose Abreu continues to wander between “good” and “screw this shizz”, and Jake has actually been pretty good at Wrigley this season – only a .213 AVG against! Okay, old gray mare ain’t what she used to be, but hey, the Cubs are finally making a push, so Arrieta should have plenty of fight in the third game of this series.

Steven Matz, SP: $7,800 – Two starting pitchers that are toast this season? I swear the only thing I’m drunk on is optimism. I’d rather be forced to re-watch all of Adam Sandler’s craptastic movies than draft Matz in any of my standard leagues, but for today, he’s a safe pick against the Padres. San Diego is cringe against left handed pitching this season, to the tune of a 25.7% strikeout rate. That’s good for fourth highest in the league, and hey, if Matz doesn’t get the job done, you’re guaranteed some more Mets trust issues, which we all have.

Willson Contreras, C: $3,300 – It’s James Shields day, which means you want to load up on a) No Doz, and b) Cubs hitters. Contreras is super cheap (surprise) and he’s actually having a glorious time at the plate. If you told me he’d hit four home runs in one week with 11 RBI’s before the All Star break I probably would’ve done nothing, because well, you’d the stupid one. But except… you’re not because here we are two weeks later, and right on time, Contreras is once again in the Top 5 catcher talk.

Logan Morrison, 1B: $3,300 – Looking at Morrison’s career vs. Ubaldo Jimenez reminds me just how terribad this Orioles rotation has been. Anyway, Morrison’s stats look like this: four extra base hits, one home run, .545/.615/.1.182 in 11 at-bats. He’s on a four game hitless streak but is making contact with 82% of pitches thrown inside the zone. Ubaldo is Ubal-no let’s not forget, and that normally = money numbers.

Jose Altuve, 2B: $4,400 – In six games at Citizens Bank Park, Altuve has been a mini dynamite. He’s put up eight hits, three stolen bags and four RBI’s, and even though he’s facing a re-energized Aaron Nola, he’s a cheap-ish option at second base against a team that has given up a 5.20 ERA this week alone.

Paul DeJong, SS: $2,900 – More like ‘King Kong’ Paul DeJong, amirite? 10/10 DeJong is a potential lowkey fantasy MVP, at least in the second half anyway. I like starting him against Trevor Hoffman at home today, because well, mathematically, a four game hit streak and Hoffman’s seven earned runs allowed in his last start should spell some pretty good eatin’.

Kris Bryant, 3B: $3,700 – Who can it be knocking at myyyy door? Risky Kris Bryant, that’s who. There’s a lot of good and a lot of bad down here, but Bryant’s .528 SLG vs. righties this season is certainly something to cling to. He’s scored a run in ten of his past 19 games, and since it’s, y’know, Shields again, you gotta do it man.

A.J. Pollock, OF: $3,800 – I’m not sure what Pollock’s nickname actually is, but it’s good to have ya’ back. Aaron Blair struck out ten batters in his last start with the Braves, but this is a pitcher that hardly ever lasts the journey (don’t we know them feels, right fellas?). He’s averaging five innings per game, and Pollock looked pristine last night, hitting a home run and plating four RBI’s.

Mookie Betts, OF: $4,000 – Andrew Moore makes his debut against the Sawx today. He’s nothing special, your typical run of the mill fastball dude that mixes in some average breaking ball stuff.  Mookie Betts had his fourth multi strikeout game of the month last night, a career milestone for Mr. Tidy, but more importantly, he’s batting .331 vs. four seamers with only 18 whiffs.

Bradley Zimmer, OF: $2,700 – Time to fess’ up, I spent my Tuesday night unlocking all the gems on Crash Bandicoot. Then that crazy Indians game went to extras, and I was awarded another. Remarkable segue, huh? Zimmer hit a home run and finished with three hits, but more importantly, we finally have a read on this guy. From what I can tell, he’s about half a beard away from full Colby Rasmus eye sore. Anyway, he faces Nolasco. He’s the guy that gave up six earned runs in four innings last week, just fyi.

Doing Lines in Vegas

No biggie, Chris Sale is one of the favs tonight at -213. The aforementioned Severino is also high in Vegas at -228, and there are only three games set for under 8.5 runs or less. Wrapping up, the Dodgers are heavy favorites against Ervin Santana and the Twins, but Brock Stewart is pegged at a nice -203.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains 

The likelihood of rain delays seems less and less as the days march on, but Phillies/Astros and Cubs/White Sox are projecting as overcast affairs. I kinda wonder if the Sox would take a rain out with Shields on the mound, but I guess now I’m just being mean.