Greetings! Last I recall, the Elders and I were passing Thai sticks in the Secret Pool of Kuang Si, discussing some profoundly important subjects while we took turns etching ancient symbols into the skin directly on and surrounding the pubic region. But of course, our bodies are all immaculately smooth, hairless and chiseled, as if made from marble and then formed in the scorching lava of Mount Kilimanjaro. Why does this matter, you ask? The context will be necessary on our journey together through what looks to be a tumultuous 2017. Trust me in this, and the opportunities for massive glory in all forms of life may fall at your crusty feet like droplets of acid rain that will one day doom this planet (but not yet), burning all your self-pity and self-doubt away, peeling your skin off like a viper, you can be born anew, with a clearer vision and a more artful plan of attack. Anyways, I just woke up on an airplane, as it seems I’m headed back to the United States and below we have what one could consider a synopsis of sorts, of what the Elders and I discussed about fantasy baseball and “other things”.
I am the great Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
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Baseball Players and Other Things T.B. Fancies…
Bryce Harper – If a zombie apocalypse were to happen, Bryce Harper would be Negan. Negan takes what he wants. Negan demands perfection. Negan creates and serves more nut butter than a sex-addicted polygamist. This is Bryce Harper in a nutshell. It seems people forget that there was a legit argument on whether Harper should go before Trout before last season. Hello, McFly. HELLER!!!! What do you think will happen if Harper is fully healthy this season and the Nationals entire lineup is improved? Need I continue? Most of you are intelligent beings to some extent.
Giancarlo Stanton – It’s now or never for me and the outrageously handsome Giancarlo. I will most likely end up acquiring him in every league I participate in, as I’m expecting a solid 55 from the Dong Doctor. Anything less than that would be uncivilized. He is my choice for NL MVP. How Bow Dah?
Yovani Gallardo – Just kidding.
Big Little Lies (HBO) – Nicole Kidman! Congrats girl! You’ve been awarded the “Beddict Boner of the Month award”, as your hardcore sex scenes with a younger man have my weenis on veiny Van Damme swoll mode. Reece most certainly may receive the Dickens as well. Shout out to Reece.
Matt Wieters – Is this the year the man formerly known as “God” reemerges, shaves his ass, bangs a few D-list celebs to get his swag back, and hits 30-plus bombs, hitting behind the man we now know as Negan? Some say it is so.
Christian Yelich – I know some are down on him, but the upside is still there, dripping uncontrollably, like a punctured levy. I want to drink it. I want to bottle it and then I want to drink it.
Jason Heyward – Heyward has FAR more upside than the majority of players near his ADP. Is there anything more to say? Besides the fact that I forever despise him for drafting him ahead of Stanton and Strasburg in a dynasty league and that last season was one of the more embarrassing things I’ve ever witnessed EVEN THOUGH I thought the contract horrendous. Nah, I’m straight.
Maikel Franco – I search far and wide for beast such as this to mix with my own sperm to create the ultimate specimen in Tehol Beddict V. His mother? Eggs of Serena Williams and Jennifer Lopez have been merged as I hope one day to create superhuman race. And by superhuman, I mean rich enough to buy me a mansion and two Ferrari’s. I own Franco in each league I play in, and I haven’t even drafted yet. That’s right, I’m mentally d*cking Grey and Rudy at the same time, right now as I write this, removing Franco from their draft lists. FRANCO IS MINE!
Gary Sanchez – Every time Sanchez goes yardski, a Miniature Bottlenose dolphin orgasms. Expect a massive increase in the population of Miniature Bottlenose dolphins. They were once thought extinct. No longer.
Bill Paxton – RIP to this legend who I will forever remember for his role in one of my favorite movies of all time True Lies, where he dropped the greatest line in Hollywood history, “She has an ass like a ten-year old boy “, regarding my bruh’s wife. My eyes are watering, even now as I write this. Also, I need to shout out Tom Arnold for his role in that film. He was INCREDIBLE, and doesn’t get nearly the credit he deserves. Probably because he’s Tom Arnold.
Domonic Brown – A former all-star in his twenties joins the most hitter-friendly park the world has ever witnessed? Do I need to explain to you how this story ends?
Yu Darvish – I’m hearing rumors of Yu feasting on Sashimi from rare breed of African Cichlids. Yu’s sperm count has tripled and he’s officially past the time frame where his manager kept a closer eye on Yu’s pitch count than he did on his wife’s DM’s after he caught her rubbing one out to an old shirtless Jose Canseco poster. My AL CY Young award winner.
Andrew Benintendi – Benintendi, in my humble opinion, will be superior option to Bradley Jr. I done touched on everything but little boys, and young Andy here seemed to be the only Red Sox player with any testicular fortitude in the playoffs last season. Expect that to carry over. Expect him to hit in two hole. Expect the power to increase. Expect excellence.
Addison Russell – Being that I’m a sucker for shortstops with power and unlimited upside, Russell should burrow his way onto many of my rosters, much in the same fashion many a gerbil has burrowed it’s way up Richard Gere.
Frontier (Netflix) – Jason Momoa as a half-Indian, half-Irish, half-savant, half-merciless savage, attempting to destroy the Monopoly of fur trade in Canada? That’s four halves, and four halves create epicness that goes beyond the realms of description. Put me down for two, in case I want seconds. By the way, over under on Momoa’s wang at seven inches flaccid in warm weather, what side you got? I’ll take the over.
Taboo (FX) – I would pay to watch Tom Hardy do ANYTHING. With our shared love for 50 Cent and living life savagely, Tom Hardy is firmly entrenched as my favorite actor in the game right now. I heard a lot of semi-negative things about Taboo and I will admit that I had to rewind multiple parts over and over again, as it’s a tad slow and missing plot points is not something I recommend. BUT, BELIEVE ME (Trump Voice), The finale is straight up hot fire and this insanely twisted series is bound to change our lives for the better. This masterpiece shows us it’s totally normal to want to make love to your hot, only part-blooded relatives, which I’ve always wondered the rules of engagement on. Think about it: You’re parents divorce and your father remarries some Colombian hottie with a daughter who has an ass you could bounce quarters off of. I’m stroking, no question. Knowing some of you the way I do, someone like Ralph Lipshitz, you’ll call me disgusting, then go beat off in the laundry room imagining that very same occurrence, while your obese wife screams at you to pick the kids up from karate class. SHAME!
Miguel Sano – 2017 COULD mark the termination of my obsession with Sano. Doubtful, but it could. I once said the same thing about Adam Sandler when he did that movie where he played himself as well as his sister… could happen.
Baseball Players and Things T.B. Loathes…
The Affair: Season 3 (Showtime) – It’s not that it’s horrid television, it’s just that I don’t understand the point or what direction the series is headed. The French Professor my man starts tapping is given a lead role, why, I have no clue. They have been renewed for season Four, and I will watch but I’m basically typing this as a cry for help, hoping against hope that one of you can actually break down the point of Season 3 to make me feel better about spending ten hours of my life viewing it.
Arrival – I actually SORT of enjoyed this film, but come on. How much did they pay Jeremy Renner for me to hardly notice he was in the movie. Speaking of Renner, I’ll never forget seeing him in that National Lampoon’s flick, and then wondering what happened to him for many, many, many long years. Like, that’s a Lisa Ann sized gap in between. Dude was mos def waiting tables, sharing a studio apartment, and doing Mark Paul Gosselaar’s dry-cleaning. Either way, not enough action for me, but the musical score was immaculate.
Stephen Strasburg – One of the more polarizing players I can recall (of course I just popped another edible), Strasburg is up and down like Paris Hilton when she spots tube steak, and I for one, have had enough. Every time this cream puff goes out to the mound he seemingly throws 45 pitches in one of the first three innings, causing me the sort of blood-boiling pain I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, all the while I’m freaking out during every pitch that season ending surgery is more of a certainty than Axl Rose failing a random piss test…or even a non-random drug test. Why kid ourselves, Rose’s career war ruined by drugs. That voice was holier than Mother Teresa’s coochie. If you can’t tell, I’m DONE with Strasburg. Look up how many career complete games Strasburg and have your wife call me in the morning.
Andrew McCutchen – When your average and stolen base numbers drops for four consecutive seasons AND you’re just hitting 30, it’s safe to say your career is going the way of the Dodo bird, or, for those of you not familiar with extinct birds, the way of Nicolas Cage. This is a sad case of aging poorly. We’ve witnessed Mickey Rourke turning his face into a disgusting piece of chuck steak, and I’m frightened the same thing is occurring here.
Nelson Cruz – Cruz is now 36 years of age and has miraculously hit 40-plus bombs in three consecutive seasons, playing in at least 152 games in all three years… Let’s dig our arm a little deeper in this bull’s anus shall we? Before those aforementioned 40 dong seasons, Cruz had NEVER had a 40 homer season in his CAREER. ALSO, he has a solitary season during his time in the bigs in which he played in more than 128 games. I’m on my knees every night, conversing with the Elders, begging them to allow Cruz one more monster season, which would make this arguably the greatest free agent signing in baseball history, value wise. I say arguably without actually researching it. BUT, as we all recall, when Cruz signed, EVERY fantasy analyst had him pegged as a bust. We can hope for the best, but let someone else draft Cruz where he’s ranked. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Taijuan Walker – I used to worship Lord Sky-Walker, but facts are facts, and Tai-Tai may want to consider switching to the dark-side as going through stretches where he’s more hittable than a in-heat Kardashian at a Million Man March after party, and it isn’t enjoyable for anybody. I’m hoping for the best but Walker lacks ELITE heat on his fastball which leads to more gopher balls than a Central American petting zoo.
Fernando Rodney – At one point in ancient history, Rodney was once a real spark plug for my Seattle Mariners. I’m sorry, did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. I wouldn’t allow this type of peasantry anywhere near my franchise let alone make him the closer.
Huston Street – Once upon a time, Huston Street… how do they say it, had the world by the balls? Yes, that’s the ticket. Either way, Street was once a very promising young pitcher. Now he’s just an average closer on a disgraceful team, managed by a man whom the game has CLEARLY passed by. Did I mention that Street is more brittle than Britney Spears’s psyche? Tis true. Draft this lemon and you’ll be shaving your head and screaming at your make-believe associates on the streets.
Michael Fulmer – If you’re expecting the numbers he put up last year, and drafting him as such, I could save you some pain by taking you out back and bashing your nuts with a sledgehammer.
Thank you for joining me for what I hope was some of the most epic reading you’ve partaken in since the Malazan Book of the Fallen series. Jay is already regretting asking me for this piece as it’s more than likely at least double the length he craved. That’s what she said. Let’s chat later.