Greetings! Last I recall, the Elders and I were passing Thai sticks in the Secret Pool of Kuang Si, discussing some profoundly important subjects while we took turns etching ancient symbols into the skin directly on and surrounding the pubic region. But of course, our bodies are all immaculately smooth, hairless and chiseled, as if made from marble and then formed in the scorching lava of Mount Kilimanjaro. Why does this matter, you ask? The context will be necessary on our journey together through what looks to be a tumultuous 2017. Trust me in this, and the opportunities for massive glory in all forms of life may fall at your crusty feet like droplets of acid rain that will one day doom this planet (but not yet), burning all your self-pity and self-doubt away, peeling your skin off like a viper, you can be born anew, with a clearer vision and a more artful plan of attack. Anyways, I just woke up on an airplane, as it seems I’m headed back to the United States and below we have what one could consider a synopsis of sorts, of what the Elders and I discussed about fantasy baseball and “other things”.

I am the great Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Razzball Commenter Leagues are open! Play against our contributors and your fellow readers for prizes. Join here!

 

Baseball Players and Other Things T.B. Fancies…

Bryce Harper   If a zombie apocalypse were to happen, Bryce Harper would be Negan. Negan takes what he wants. Negan demands perfection. Negan creates and serves more nut butter than a sex-addicted polygamist. This is Bryce Harper in a nutshell. It seems people forget that there was a legit argument on whether Harper should go before Trout before last season. Hello, McFly. HELLER!!!! What do you think will happen if Harper is fully healthy this season and the Nationals entire lineup is improved? Need I continue? Most of you are intelligent beings to some extent.

Giancarlo Stanton – It’s now or never for me and the outrageously handsome Giancarlo. I will most likely end up acquiring him in every league I participate in, as I’m expecting a solid 55 from the Dong Doctor. Anything less than that would be uncivilized. He is my choice for NL MVP. How Bow Dah?

Yovani Gallardo – Just kidding.

Big Little Lies (HBO) – Nicole Kidman! Congrats girl! You’ve been awarded the “Beddict Boner of the Month award”, as your hardcore sex scenes with a younger man have my weenis on veiny Van Damme swoll mode. Reece most certainly may receive the Dickens as well. Shout out to Reece.

Matt Wieters – Is this the year the man formerly known as “God” reemerges, shaves his ass, bangs a few D-list celebs to get his swag back, and hits 30-plus bombs, hitting behind the man we now know as Negan? Some say it is so.

Christian Yelich – I know some are down on him, but the upside is still there, dripping uncontrollably, like a punctured levy. I want to drink it. I want to bottle it and then I want to drink it.

Jason Heyward – Heyward has FAR more upside than the majority of players near his ADP. Is there anything more to say? Besides the fact that I forever despise him for drafting him ahead of Stanton and Strasburg in a dynasty league and that last season was one of the more embarrassing things I’ve ever witnessed EVEN THOUGH I thought the contract horrendous. Nah, I’m straight.

Maikel Franco – I search far and wide for beast such as this to mix with my own sperm to create the ultimate specimen in Tehol Beddict V. His mother? Eggs of Serena Williams and Jennifer Lopez have been merged as I hope one day to create superhuman race. And by superhuman, I mean rich enough to buy me a mansion and two Ferrari’s. I own Franco in each league I play in, and I haven’t even drafted yet. That’s right, I’m mentally d*cking Grey and Rudy at the same time, right now as I write this, removing Franco from their draft lists. FRANCO IS MINE!

Gary Sanchez – Every time Sanchez goes yardski, a Miniature Bottlenose dolphin orgasms. Expect a massive increase in the population of Miniature Bottlenose dolphins. They were once thought extinct. No longer.

Bill Paxton – RIP to this legend who I will forever remember for his role in one of my favorite movies of all time True Lies, where he dropped the greatest line in Hollywood history, “She has an ass like a ten-year old boy “, regarding my bruh’s wife. My eyes are watering, even now as I write this. Also, I need to shout out Tom Arnold for his role in that film. He was INCREDIBLE, and doesn’t get nearly the credit he deserves. Probably because he’s Tom Arnold.

Domonic Brown – A former all-star in his twenties joins the most hitter-friendly park the world has ever witnessed? Do I need to explain to you how this story ends?

Yu Darvish – I’m hearing rumors of Yu feasting on Sashimi from rare breed of African Cichlids. Yu’s sperm count has tripled and he’s officially past the time frame where his manager kept a closer eye on Yu’s pitch count than he did on his wife’s DM’s after he caught her rubbing one out to an old shirtless Jose Canseco poster. My AL CY Young award winner.

Andrew Benintendi – Benintendi, in my humble opinion, will be superior option to Bradley Jr. I done touched on everything but little boys, and young Andy here seemed to be the only Red Sox player with any testicular fortitude in the playoffs last season. Expect that to carry over. Expect him to hit in two hole. Expect the power to increase. Expect excellence.

Addison Russell – Being that I’m a sucker for shortstops with power and unlimited upside, Russell should burrow his way onto many of my rosters, much in the same fashion many a gerbil has burrowed it’s way up Richard Gere.

Frontier (Netflix) –  Jason Momoa as a half-Indian, half-Irish, half-savant, half-merciless savage, attempting to destroy the Monopoly of fur trade in Canada? That’s four halves, and four halves create epicness that goes beyond the realms of description. Put me down for two, in case I want seconds. By the way, over under on Momoa’s wang at seven inches flaccid in warm weather, what side you got? I’ll take the over.

Taboo (FX) – I would pay to watch Tom Hardy do ANYTHING. With our shared love for 50 Cent and living life savagely, Tom Hardy is firmly entrenched as my favorite actor in the game right now. I heard a lot of semi-negative things about Taboo and I will admit that I had to rewind multiple parts over and over again, as it’s a tad slow and missing plot points is not something I recommend. BUT, BELIEVE ME (Trump Voice), The finale is straight up hot fire and this insanely twisted series is bound to change our lives for the better. This masterpiece shows us it’s totally normal to want to make love to your hot, only part-blooded relatives, which I’ve always wondered the rules of engagement on. Think about it: You’re parents divorce and your father remarries some Colombian hottie with a daughter who has an ass you could bounce quarters off of. I’m stroking, no question. Knowing some of you the way I do, someone like Ralph Lipshitz, you’ll call me disgusting, then go beat off in the laundry room imagining that very same occurrence, while your obese wife screams at you to pick the kids up from karate class. SHAME!

Miguel Sano – 2017 COULD mark the termination of my obsession with Sano. Doubtful, but it could. I once said the same thing about Adam Sandler when he did that movie where he played himself as well as his sister… could happen.

 

Baseball Players and Things T.B. Loathes…

The Affair: Season 3 (Showtime) – It’s not that it’s horrid television, it’s just that I don’t understand the point or what direction the series is headed. The French Professor my man starts tapping is given a lead role, why, I have no clue. They have been renewed for season Four, and I will watch but I’m basically typing this as a cry for help, hoping against hope that one of you can actually break down the point of Season 3 to make me feel better about spending ten hours of my life viewing it.

Arrival  – I actually SORT of enjoyed this film, but come on. How much did they pay Jeremy Renner for me to hardly notice he was in the movie. Speaking of Renner, I’ll never forget seeing him in that National Lampoon’s flick, and then wondering what happened to him for many, many, many long years. Like, that’s a Lisa Ann sized gap in between. Dude was mos def waiting tables, sharing a studio apartment, and doing Mark Paul Gosselaar’s dry-cleaning. Either way, not enough action for me, but the musical score was immaculate.

Stephen Strasburg – One of the more polarizing players I can recall (of course I just popped another edible), Strasburg is up and down like Paris Hilton when she spots tube steak, and I for one, have had enough. Every time this cream puff goes out to the mound he seemingly throws 45 pitches in one of the first three innings, causing me the sort of blood-boiling pain I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, all the while I’m freaking out during every pitch that season ending surgery is more of a certainty than Axl Rose failing a random piss test…or even a non-random drug test. Why kid ourselves, Rose’s career war ruined by drugs. That voice was holier than Mother Teresa’s coochie. If you can’t tell, I’m DONE with Strasburg. Look up how many career complete games Strasburg and have your wife call me in the morning.

Andrew McCutchen – When your average and stolen base numbers drops for four consecutive seasons AND you’re just hitting 30, it’s safe to say your career is going the way of the Dodo bird, or, for those of you not familiar with extinct birds, the way of Nicolas Cage. This is a sad case of aging poorly. We’ve witnessed Mickey Rourke turning his face into a disgusting piece of chuck steak, and I’m frightened the same thing is occurring here.

Nelson Cruz – Cruz is now 36 years of age and has miraculously hit 40-plus bombs in three consecutive seasons, playing in at least 152 games in all three years… Let’s dig our arm a little deeper in this bull’s anus shall we? Before those aforementioned 40 dong seasons, Cruz had NEVER had a 40 homer season in his CAREER. ALSO, he has a solitary season during his time in the bigs in which he played in more than 128 games. I’m on my knees every night, conversing with the Elders, begging them to allow Cruz one more monster season, which would make this arguably the greatest free agent signing in baseball history, value wise. I say arguably without actually researching it. BUT, as we all recall, when Cruz signed, EVERY fantasy analyst had him pegged as a bust. We can hope for the best, but let someone else draft Cruz where he’s ranked. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Taijuan Walker – I used to worship Lord Sky-Walker, but facts are facts, and Tai-Tai may want to consider switching to the dark-side as going through stretches where he’s more hittable than a in-heat Kardashian at a Million Man March after party, and it isn’t enjoyable for anybody. I’m hoping for the best but Walker lacks ELITE heat on his fastball which leads to more gopher balls than a Central American petting zoo.

Fernando Rodney – At one point in ancient history, Rodney was once a real spark plug for my Seattle Mariners. I’m sorry, did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. I wouldn’t allow this type of peasantry anywhere near my franchise let alone make him the closer.

Huston Street – Once upon a time, Huston Street… how do they say it, had the world by the balls? Yes, that’s the ticket. Either way, Street was once a very promising young pitcher. Now he’s just an average closer on a disgraceful team, managed by a man whom the game has CLEARLY passed by. Did I mention that Street is more brittle than Britney Spears’s psyche? Tis true. Draft this lemon and you’ll be shaving your head and screaming at your make-believe associates on the streets.

Jenmar Gomez  Hector Neris is the Paris Hilton sex tape. Jenmar Gomez is the Hulk Hogan sex tape.

Drew Pomeranz – Say one thing for Drew Pomeranz, say he was born to get bent over and take Gorilla D in the American League. Zero reason to own this rube.

Michael Fulmer –  If you’re expecting the numbers he put up last year, and drafting him as such,  I could save you some pain by taking you out back and bashing your nuts with a sledgehammer.

 

 

Thank you for joining me for what I hope was some of the most epic reading you’ve partaken in since the Malazan Book of the Fallen series. Jay is already regretting asking me for this piece as it’s more than likely at least double the length he craved. That’s what she said. Let’s chat later.

65 Comments
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Jose
Jose
5 years ago

Tehol I need pitching does a trade of yeonis cespedes for Johnny cueto is fair?

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Jose
5 years ago

@Jose: yeeesh i saw Cespedes working out this offseason and he looks like he’s gonna go Green eggs and HAM! I need to see your roster to make an accurate assessment

Jose
Jose
Reply to  Tehol Beddict
5 years ago

what do you mean with green eggs and ham? Is he gonna gonna play like a stud? I had cespedes and trade him for cueto

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Jose
5 years ago

@Jose: not green eggs and ham. I said green eggs and HAM!!! Slang from a couple years ago. I’m tempted to hold. I think he’ll be great. Need to see roster tho

Jose
Jose
Reply to  Tehol Beddict
5 years ago

C salvador perez
1st miguel cabrera
2nd daniel murphy
3 jose ramirez
OF christian yelich
OF yeonis cespedes
OF ben zobrits
Ut aldemys diaz
Ut DJ lemathieu
Bench melky cabrera, martin prado, keon broxton
SP kyle hendricks, rick porcello, danny duffy, jose quitana, joe ross, drew pomeranz, john lackey, will harris, mike montemery

Jose
Jose
Reply to  Jose
5 years ago

@Jose: ????

Eli Man Penguin Boy
Eli Man Penguin Boy
Reply to  Jose
5 years ago

@Jose: hunt him down on twitterings.

Landisimo3
Landisimo3
5 years ago

Awesome write up… Question .. 12 team keeper/ roto… I’m pretty pitching heavy (Taillon/Hendricks/Salazar/Maeda/Chapman/Britton) … offense is meh (Marte/Braun/Santana/LeMahieu/Cutch) … So far I’ve been offered Bell for Taillon … How much more could I expect to get? Another player? Draft pick(s)? Both??

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Landisimo3
5 years ago

@Landisimo3: I meditated on this all night. I love Bell and due to injury history of bruh I’d probably take the deal. See if you can get something else thrown in or trade Hendricks for something similar is route I would go

Big W
Big W
5 years ago

Tehol… Don’t ever change, thank you.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Big W
5 years ago

@Big W: I need to change a few things but at the core I shall remain the same. Humble and true to the game

TobiasFunkeAnalRapist
TobiasFunkeAnalRapist
5 years ago

Dude the only movies i saw in theater this year were with my inlaws. They were arrival, rogue one and passengers. I’m curious as to what you think of the other two. I liked arrival and thought passengers was shit. Rogue one was cool I guess, keep up the good work.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  TobiasFunkeAnalRapist
5 years ago

@TobiasFunkeAnalRapist: your in laws sound like super cool peeps! I am a huge Star Wars fan and HAVE NOt Even seen Rougue one yet!!!! I will very soon and post my thoughts . Have not seen Passengers yet either yet I want to shortly and then you shall have my reviews. I appreciate you stopping by and dropping your insight

The waffler
The waffler
5 years ago

Dyno bench flier, nick williams or Raul mondesi? Thx Tehol!

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  The waffler
5 years ago

@The waffler: waffle me this My Belgium friend. That means Williams

Colonel Angus
Colonel Angus
5 years ago

Would you trade Thor for Stanton?

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Colonel Angus
5 years ago

@Colonel Angus: oh wow. Now things are getting getting interesting. Thor might be my favorite pitcher in baseball this is tough . Think Thor is definite safest route altho maybe that’s not true as pitchers always are misre risky than hitters with everyone and they momma getting tommy John. Hmmmm wow that’s tough. Probably hold. Or is ur staff loaded like a baked potato at TGI Fridays

Mad Beach Bums
Mad Beach Bums
5 years ago

Sounds like you love Harper longtime. Would you let Bryce go in dry on you tho?

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Mad Beach Bums
5 years ago

@Mad Beach Bums: dry dog it? Absolutely not. He’s D probably made of adamantium. Ouch

AL KOHOLIC
AL KOHOLIC
5 years ago

great work,im all in on a few of these guys also

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  AL KOHOLIC
5 years ago

@AL KOHOLIC: UNCLE AL!!!! You are so appreciated. Just made my morning. Time to take a bong rip

Ryan
Ryan
5 years ago

I’m in a 14 team h2h dynasty league. I was offered Gary Sanchez, Rendon, Honeywell, and Martes for Moncada, Fulmer, and willy Calhoun. Is this a trade I should consider?

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Ryan
5 years ago

@Ryan: I don’t want you to lose out on the Trout of the infield but Sanchez is such a legend wow. I’d hold for a bit….. this trade is keeping me up nights

Packing
Packing
5 years ago

Teh! Most perspicacious as always, We are simpatico. You got style bruh.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Packing
5 years ago

@Packing: PACK ME, BABY! let’s do this

nick the dick
nick the dick
5 years ago

Two, count em’, TWO Paris Hilton references! You have returned with the intensity of two, nay, three Tehols so why go with what’s current when you can go against it? An upstream salmon with the ferocity of a shoal pirhanas is what you are. I trust the direction you lead me is destined for the Promiseland?

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  nick the dick
5 years ago

@nick the dick: what can I say? She’s the best to ever do it. I could probably beat on old one eye daily for life thanks to that porking Precious Paris produced. Say that five times fast.

Let’s take this to the top! Thanks for reading

nick the dick
nick the dick
Reply to  Tehol Beddict
5 years ago

@Tehol Beddict: I like to say Precious Paris perfect pink pussy porking 5 tmes exxxtrrraaa slllooooow. It’s all about the marinating, you feel me?

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  nick the dick
5 years ago

@nick the dick: oh I feel you Dick……errrrr

Glokta 4 pres
Glokta 4 pres
5 years ago

Great to have u back tehol. Missed ur posts. That was one of the funniest things ive read in a while. Keep the the great work. I thoroughly enjoyed taboo hardy is the man these days. Cant wait for American gods, GOT and ray donovan great tv. Also love the first law quotes keep doing what ur doing bro.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Glokta 4 pres
5 years ago

@Glokta 4 pres: Glotka, my good man!!!! Maaaan, did you read latest book from dude with the new stories? They promised Glotka and we got like 3 pages. I’m beyond irate. Glad to be back and glad u enjoyed brotha

Glokta 4 pres
Glokta 4 pres
Reply to  Tehol Beddict
5 years ago

@Tehol Beddict:

I did just read sharps end. Was disappointed with the glokta story but he did go out with his d in his hand. Im glad were getting more books in the first law universe hopefully more glokta and bloody nine. Continue ur great service to all of us bro cant wait for the next post

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Glokta 4 pres
5 years ago

@Glokta 4 pres: thank you Suh. Talk soon

Nehocstu
Nehocstu
5 years ago

When you woke up on that plane, how high were you?! These delirious ramblings would have gotten the sky marshall’s attention if you said them out loud.

Good stuff though.

Take all of these question marks ahead of me; some will hit, many will miss, and you’ll be back in the seat returning to Abu Dhabi shortly.

Eli Man Penguin Boy
Eli Man Penguin Boy
Reply to  Nehocstu
5 years ago

@Nehocstu: yeah i’d love to share of his drug bag.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Eli Man Penguin Boy
5 years ago

@Eli Man Penguin Boy: it’s a good one

Cram It
Cram It
5 years ago

I was all in on Taboo. I also had to rewind multiple times, but more because of all the goddamn whispering and British accents. But around episode 5 or 6 I started to get lost and by the end of the season, I realized, it didn’t really matter. There were so many plot lines that were left unresolved, and because of this, I was disappointed. Why didn’t they reveal more about whatever this supernatural power was that he possessed and where did it come from? The whole thing about the goddamn gunpowder. Was it THAT important? What justice was exacted on the India Trading Company regarding the whole slave ship thing, of which I’m not really sure what happened with Hardy on it, when he ended up blowing up Strange anyway? In the end, he escaped on his ship. I felt like he could have done that at any point. All rhetorical questions, but gah, now I’m more annoyed. Loved everything else about it though!

Cram It
Cram It
Reply to  LT Murray IV
5 years ago

@Tehol Beddict: Hardy’s character was perfectly badass. Even down to his dismissive grunts. Yeah all those flashback snippets were never addressed in full realization. I do want there to be a second season still! I can watch Hardy all day.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Cram It
5 years ago

@Cram It: why is he such a legend? I worship him

Eli Man Penguin Boy
Eli Man Penguin Boy
Reply to  Tehol Beddict
5 years ago

@Tehol Beddict: he’s handsome bob the lady killer

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Eli Man Penguin Boy
5 years ago

@Eli Man Penguin Boy: I respect him at an unhealthy level

LenFuego
LenFuego
5 years ago

Here are a certain 28 year old pitcher’s ERA, WHIP, and K/9 the past three seasons:

ERA: 2.35, 3.66, 3.32
WHIP: 1.12, 1.19, 1.18
K/9: 8.3, 8.6, 9.8

Name that pitcher. Hint: you think there is “[z]ero reason to own this rube.”

Really curious where the all the strong anti on him comes from this season (from many others as well). Purely Fenway Park?

Cram It
Cram It
Reply to  LenFuego
5 years ago

@LenFuego: You’re counting his first two seasons when he was basically a reliever, not starting even a third of the season. He posted a 4.59 ERA after the all-star break. Yeah, Fenway will not be kind to him.

LenFuego
LenFuego
Reply to  LT Murray IV
5 years ago

@Tehol Beddict: Pomeranz has 49 starts the past 3 seasons … he gave up more than 3 earned runs in only 11 games. Here are the parks where he gave up more than 3 runs … compared to those in which he had starts where he gave up 0 runs.

>3 runs (11): BOS (3), OAK (2), LAA (2), SD, HOU, ARI, MIN.
=0 runs (14): OAK(4), SD (3), LAA, HOU, TB, CHC, SF, CIN, LAD

I do not see any major park effect there, at least no more than any pitcher would have, and many of the parks he had bad outings in he also had terrific outings.

Sure, 3 bad starts were at Fenway (out of 6 starts there after he was acquired), but that is an extremely small sample. Other points about those starts:
– when he was acquired, he already had eclipsed his previous all-time season high in innings … he went on to pitch 74 innings more than *any* prior season. 2 of those bad outings were very late last season when he had a very dead arm.
– He had no genuine home park advantage pitching in Fenway last season because he joined the team mid-season and was not yet accclimated to it.
– those 3 bad outings were not exactly unmiitigated disasters – he gave up 5, 5 and 4 runs in those games and the Red Sox won 2 of them.

So sure, maybe Fenway will cost Pomeranz, but at this point that is really little more than speculation.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  LenFuego
5 years ago

@LenFuego: it looks we have ourselves a sleeper here! And you did all the work for me haaaaaaaa! Seriously tho I will look deeper into this and apologize to you on my next post. I appreciate you putting this info out

Eli Man Penguin Boy
Eli Man Penguin Boy
Reply to  LenFuego
5 years ago

@LenFuego: what’s the relevance of BOS winning the games he gave up either 5 or 4?

michael
michael
Reply to  Eli Man Penguin Boy
5 years ago

@Eli Man Penguin Boy: That you still most likely got a win from him even during a “poor” outing.

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  michael
5 years ago

@michael: michael tells it like it is yall

Tehol Beddict
Tehol Beddict
Reply to  Eli Man Penguin Boy
5 years ago
Eli Man Penguin Boy
Eli Man Penguin Boy
Reply to  Eli Man Penguin Boy
5 years ago

@Eli Man Penguin Boy: if he more often pitched like that he wouldn’t have a job very long, at least enough for those wins you are assuming he’ll get again.

Geoff
5 years ago

That laundry room thing happened last night, but I was thinking about bending over “Big Little Lies” Witherspoon in her Sunday best, while he waif looking husband peered on with his giant owl eyes in disapproval.

Also welcome to the Benintendi Boner Club. We have barbers that do the hot towel thing.

The Great Knoche
The great knoche
5 years ago

Dominic Brown does have the same batting average so far as David Dahl in Rockies camp. It’s .000, but I mean, at least it’s something positive right?

Withheld because reasons
Withheld because reasons
Reply to  The great knoche
5 years ago

@The great knoche: is Dom Brown expected to get much playing time?

JF
JF
5 years ago

Great name. Great book series.

Jf
Jf
Reply to  LT Murray IV
5 years ago

@Tehol Beddict: I missed that one. Sorry. Definitely deserved great post. These are my favorite type posts during the season.