You know how they say think about baseball to make sex last longer? Okay, so I was thinking, to make the baseball season last longer do we think about baseball? Maybe we think about sex. This is a riddle for the Sphinx! “Hello, Sphinx, I have a question. Yes, I have $20. Why do you ask? Because you’re a sex worker wearing gold paint and not an ancient Egyptian statue? Ah, that’s my bad.” You ever read that book, The Mouse That Roared? I think it was assigned for me to read back in school, and I watched the movie instead. Solid flick! So, if a mouse roared, he’d be a hoarse mouse while still roaring. That’s how I’m screaming David Dahl‘s name right now. Like a roaring hoarse mouse. An RHM, as they say. Who’s they? Hoarse mouses, of course. The bitter enemy of the church mouse. Are you following? Cause I’m leading you down some place of interest. I am a hoarse mouse roaring David Dahl because I love him. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 4th straight game with a homer. He might be my favorite player for 2019. You take your Adalbertos, but David Dahl has 35/15/.290 ability in Coors and, with how he’s playing these final weeks, he might actually have the lead for the three hole in the Rockies’ lineup going into 2019. This is the best spot in the major leagues to hit. As a roaring hoarse mouse on a horse might say, giddy up! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Story – 1-for-3 and his 35th homer. After he homered, he high-fived Ian Desmond and Story’s arm fell off. Thankfully, his arm fell on his MRI result showing his elbow is fine.
Gerardo Parra – 1-for-1 and his 6th homer. There won’t be a Buy/Sell this afternoon, because, brucely, everyone’s a Buy and/or a Sell at this point in the season, but if Parra is seeing the ball, and the Rockies play their B lineup at all this weekend, Parra could see at-bats.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-2 and his 13th homer. Member when the Phils needed to boost their playoff chances and went out and traded for a catcher and an aging veteran, who could only play one position and not very well? Well played, Philly!
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .228. Next week I’ll start rolling out my positional recaps, but let me say that Santana shocked me for where he ended up for 1st basemen and how bad 1st basemen were, in general. Shocked, I tell ya!
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.96. I will be wearing a corduroy jacket to all drafts next year to ensure I’m corduroy’d off from Arrieta.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Impressed his ERA ended up below 4. Less impressed because he was in the NL East. I’m farting in your general direction too, Arrieta.
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.77. His last eight outings: 44 2/3 IP, 2.62 ERA, 41 Ks, 10 BB, and I dropped him nine outings ago in an NL-Only. Hold me, daddy.
Francisco Liriano – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.58. You think Johan Santana ever watches Liriano pitch and is like, “And I’m out of the league?!”
Tyler Austin – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and hitting around .700 in the last week. Okay, not that good, but he has been just about the hottest hitter of the last week. Guys and five female readers, our last hot schmotato alert of the year. I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Willians Astudillo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .357. Shotgun, hut, hut, hike! Astudillo blocks the pass rush. How gorgeous would it be is Astudillo, said like Phil Collins, were to be the Twins’ catcher next year, as he was last night.
Trevor Williams – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.11. You can move onto the next blurb, I wanna just talk to Trevor now. Aw, sugar plum, wasn’t the best last start, but the things you did this 2nd half. I mean, your ERA was 1.08 in 66 2/3 IP before last night. El oh el, babycakes, that was ridiculous. Thank you for answering the call of preseason sleeper. I prolly won’t like you next year, but we’ll always have 2018.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Fangraphs Database won’t ever get over the mockery Lester made of his xFIP. “We’ll be sending you a Xmas card addressed from your ex-girlfriend who your wife still gets mad about you mentioning.” Damn, FD, you cold.
Jesse Chavez – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 4th save with Steve Cishek working the 7th, because he seemed like the closer, Justin Wilson blew the save the night before, Carl’s Jr. is a hamburger shop, and Ty Buttrey’s out for the year, but he’s on a different team. Cubs bullpen is ready to go to the playoffs!
Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 2 runs, and a slam (13) and double legs (29, 30), hitting .284. You know you’ve had a fairly good 2nd half when you could’ve been the lede numerous times. I’ve literally wanted to write a paragraph about Mondesi every other day for the last two months.
CC Sabathia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.65. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and hates his next one. Kidding, there’s no playoff projections. Sabathia had a nice bounce back with his Ks this year, and it looks like it can be attributed to better use of his change. Sam Cooke was right, a change is gonna come. Will be interesting to see where CC ends up next year. He’s said he wants to play one more year. He said it’s not true that he wants to play just to help pay for Bartolo’s kids who Bartolo dropped off at 3 AM at CC’s house.
Luke Voit – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Fun fact! At the airport baggage carousel, Luke Voit grabs all Louis Vuitton luggage — no matter whose it is — saying, “LV, that’s me.”
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 runs, and his 36th and 37th homer. Love to see him get to 40 homers on the year. Not because I need the homers, but I can only orgasm when he homers, so I want a few more.
Miguel Andujar – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. One pick I haven’t talked much about this year, but he was one of my better picks of the year. I grabbed Andujar in the final rounds of a 15 team league for my N/A slot. That was mostly thanks to an early spring training narrative. See, spring training narratives aren’t all bad. Though, it’s best to ignore Scott Kingery’s .411 spring average; Daniel Vogelbach’s 7 HRs; J.D. Davis winning the Spring Training MVP; Ian Happ leading spring with homers; Jason Kipnis putting up Triple Crown numbers in Arizona; Yoenis hitting .368 with six homers; Marcell Ozuna looking like a lock to repeat 2017 and, okay, all of them are bad. But how about that Miguel Andujar?!
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. I might’ve set an official record for most sonavabenchings from Cron. Since I was never sure if he was going to play, I’d bench him in a weekly league more times than not, and missed so many homers. *phone rings* Hello? Cooperstown? Yes, this is Grey. It was a record for sonavabenchings and you want me to send you my computer with my fantasy team on the screen? My computer will be next to Ty Cobb’s cleats he used to gauge an albino’s eyes? That’s amazing! But if I send you my computer, what am I going to use?
