On a scale of one to ten for most surprising starters, Patrick Corbin is a one. One being the best. When you beat your high score in Mario Kart you never scream out, “I’m number ten,” do you? Okay, so don’t question my numbering. On a scale of one to ten for how likely it is Corbin keeps this up, it’s around a 5, the number made famous by Short Circuit. Didja know before Short Circuit people would count 1, 2, 3, 4, 6? It’s also why Marilyn Monroe left Joe DiMaggio. Corbin’s not a 1.44 ERA pitcher, but he’s not what he seemed like coming into the year either. His fastball has jumped in velocity, which has helped all of his pitches. I don’t own him, which butters my grr’s. I know most of you must’ve benched him in Coors yesterday for his 10 K, 9-inning, three-hitter gizzem, so I’ll say it for you, sonavabench! Luckily, you own him for the whole season and he looks like he can be a mid-3 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 7 K-rate guy, i.e., a fantasy two to three. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jim Johnson – Third blown save in the last week. The Baltimore Orioles want to win and think they can. Who am I to argue with them? They can’t, but I’m not here to argue. They think they can and want to, that’s the important piece of the puzzle that invariably falls under the couch and the girl you’re dating then reaches under the couch to get that puzzle piece, but ends up pulling out a sweat sock that is stiff like it was soaked in glue and laid out in the sun to harden. When you have a lead and lose three times in the last week because of your closer, it’s easy to point a finger, just as you point a finger at your roommate, saying it’s his sock. In the Orioles clubhouse, Showalter said all the right things, “He’s just having a tough time of it,” then he motioned at Jim Johnson with his middle finger. The ninth inning picture without Johnson gets a bit murky in Baltimore. I’d grab Darren O’Day, and hope for the best.
Steve Cishek – Marlins said they will use everybody to close games. Had they said they would use “Everybody, Everybody,” I’d say grab Black Box. Just “everybody” confuses me. I grabbed Qualls because the Marlins manager mentioned him by name, he was warming up to save yesterday’s game prior to the Marlins putting it out of reach, he’s a righty and he has some closer experience. Dunn could also get into the mix, assuming there’s wins for a mix.
Jeremy Guthrie – 5 IP, 6 ER vs. the Asstros. What a Cleveland Streamer. I wanna say he screwed me royally, but he doesn’t deserve a pun. Everyone else said, “Ooh, Guthrie is mediocre and isn’t trustworthy.” I said, no. I said, I will trust him, and would even let him get my mail when I’m out of town. But this is how he repays me, and I’m missing the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, you bastard!
Miguel Tejada – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer as he played over Mostsuckass. If it didn’t hurt to laugh, I would at the absurdity that it actually makes sense for the Royals to go with the 67-year-old Miggy Minoso over Mostsuckass.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 2 runs. In his last 367 at-bats, he has 6 homers. His last name is obviously a physics formula with the s meaning displacement.
Salvador Perez – Left yesterday’s game with a hip injury. For a day or two, you may be sans Salvador.
Julio Teheran – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Sure, and I grab Jeremy Guthrie. Where’s my 20% off Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon that they mail to me once a week?! I’d grab Teheran. He hasn’t had the hardest of match-ups recently, but he’s still made the best of them (last 33 2/3 IP, 9 ER).
Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer. Hopefully this is a sign that The Other White Meat is coming out of his three week purge of excellence.
Kyle Gibson – Gardy said Gibson may get the call this Friday. Paging, AL-Only owners, call on line, “Pick him up.”
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. As frequent commenter, chillmodious, said, “Hisashi my…Dah! Shizz!” You’ll see at our Hisashi player page that this was the most runs he had allowed all year. You’ll also see the rest of the season projections say he’s more of a 4.00+ ERA pitcher. You’ll also see that his next start at home vs. the Rangers is favorable. Finally, you’ll see I love these player pages. Great job, Rudy, you big afro’d goof!
Jason Bay – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a steal. Member when he was a 30/30 threat? That feels like decades ago, doesn’t it? Guess how old Jason Bay is. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *twiddles thumbs, picks ear, channel surfs, trims life-sized Giancarlo Chia* He’s only 34! Damn, he feels like he’s 54. Him and Alfonso Soriano are My Two Dads and Jason Bay is Paul Reiser.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Seager’s headed for a 70/20/90/.270/5 season which is pretty yawnstipating but I’d give my right pinkie finger for that instead of Mostsuckass.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer in the last three days and is hitting .375 in the last week. Could be a quick hot schmotato for the next few days while he’s not in Safeco, which is the rhyme of every Mariner. Weren’t they supposed to move in the fences? Did they move in the fences and move back home plate?
Scott Kazmir – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Mariners. Kazmir pulls you in with the promise of Ks and then defecates on your Greg Luzinski autographed picture, hands it to you and asks if it smells like Thai.
Yan Gomes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers, hitting near .300 in the last week. Not sure what the deal is with people with the last name Gomes not being able to spell John, but Yan could have some sneaky value. He’s got a solid bat, just not enough playing time for single catcher leagues.
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Decent return, but a little weird since I didn’t even think Dusty came into the dugout until the 8th inning.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Member when you were so fed up with him two weeks ago because he had one homer and was hitting .240? No? It’s okay, you’ll relive that same feeling in a month when he goes three weeks without an extra base hit, only to start the cycle again.
Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Make like a thing on a moving thing and get rolling with Wheeler!
Ike Davis – 0-for-3, 2 Ks. Life alert! Ike’s fallen and can’t get up.
Mike Adams – Placed on the DL with a lower back strain. So that’s why he has such a long face.
Carlos Ruiz – Will miss close to a month with his hamstring strain. Ruiz’s personal physician, Dr. Tijuana Farmacia, wrote him a prescription for Adderall, but Gringo Falso Pelo says no go.
Ryan Howard – Received a cortisone shot in his knee. Ryan Zimmerman then picked up Howard’s leg and hit a home run.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-4 with a slam (8) and legs (2). Glad to see he’s rewarding my patience. Or as Charlie Manuel says, “He’s playing light on his feet like he got plague rats nibbling his ankles!”
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Real big man picking on the offenseless Marlins.
Alex Sanabia – 6 1/3 IP, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Cole Hamels. One pitcher left the game with a 4.45 ERA and one left with a 4.56 ERA. Can you guess which is which? Trick question. It doesn’t matter. What matters is they’re virtually the same and I’m not talking about watching a game wearing a Oculus Rift.
Marcel Ozuna – 2-for-4, run, RBI, hitting .310. Continues to hit since his call up but not showing a whole lot of power or speed, which fantasy baseballers call the ‘sexy stats.’ BTW, no one calls anything ‘sexy stats,’ except virgins.
Alex Rodriguez – Took swings in a cage. Impressive if he hooked his feet around the chains and swung opposite down.
Travis Hafner – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. I didn’t see the steal, but I’m guessing he fell over leading off of first and his head is so big it landed on 2nd base. Girardi is obviously going to mix-and-match his 2006 All-Star team lineup. Over the weekend, Ichiro sat, yesterday Vernon Wells sat, tomorrow it might be Ken Griffey Jr.
Lyle Overbay – 2-for-5 with his 7th homer. Basically, whoever Brace Face plays is going to hit. Steinbrenner must be wining and dining the devil.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 1 RBI with two doubles as he hit 3rd. Ugh, it’s bad enough that Showalter had the brilliant idea to put Hardy in the three hole, but Hardy goes and hits well which just reinforces Showalter’s stupid idea.
Jayson Werth – Might be out another two weeks. Davey Johnson said he received an “alarming” report about Werth on Monday. Geez, sounds like it’s his dad and Werth was caught vandalizing the high school bathroom. “What do you know of men’s genitals in Nantucket?!”
Andrew Bailey – Activated from the DL. He will be thrust back into the closer role until he gets hurt again. T-minus 3, 2, 1… My oblique!
Shane Victorino – Left the game with a hamstring injury. The Flying Hawaiian might want to put some tennis balls on the bottom of his wings.
Jarrod Saltalmacchia – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 5th homer. He usually gets hot for a week or two, so if you’re thumbing your nose at Ron Popeil.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. I forget what number we’re up to in 7 homers in 10 days, but he’s obviously good for a few more.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hmm, so the hip seems okay. *runs out the door*
Matt Kemp – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. You best step up your game, Hosmer!
Andre Ethier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. About time he started looking better than everything after the “or.”
Ryan Vogelsong – Left yesterday’s start after being hit on the hand. I didn’t see it, but I’m assuming it was by a nun for how bad he’s been.
Brandon Belt– 4-for-5, 4 runs and his 6th homer. We got a live one, y’all! Yeah, you should pick him up. I see you hiding under your desk. Yes, even you.
Eric Chavez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and now hitting .343. You can drop him when he stops hitting, but it’s probably a good idea to own him while he is.
Shelby Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Damn, I should’ve told you to sell him last week. Oh, wait, I did. Your bad!
Will Venable – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. What’s sad is he’s trying so hard out on the field every day just so you’ll pick him up and you’re just watching him. Why do you torture him?
Chris Denorfia – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 5th steal. It’s like the season of part-time players doing work every third day. Damn, Billy Beane has corrupted other teams now too.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Early on, Jake was serving up pitches to Toronto Odorizzi, then he settled down. He looks like he’s going to be a very solid number two to three in the near future, but he’s not there yet. He gets the Yankees next. In shallower mixed leagues, take two and passorizzi.
Yunel Escobar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Don’t know what the Hitter-Tron says about crazy lucky, confirmation bias and good old fashioned flicking boogers at a dart board, but Yunel has to have the most homers on short schedule days. Once again, I scored with him on a random fluke. On the serious, I grabbed him for the outside chance he might steal a base vs. Dickey, but Dickey’s not even easy to steal on, so there’s what I know wrapped into a burrito, put into the microwave and out comes a steaming tortilla sleeping bag of luck.
Anthony Gose – The Blue Jays called him up to pinch run and play some defense. Now him and Rajai can continue their argument about which one of them is Gose and which one is Tom Cruise.
R.A. Dickey – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. You ever watch a knuckler dance? No, I’m not coming on to you, I’m asking you a question. It leaves the pitcher’s hand and no one has any idea which way it’s going. Therein lies it’s magic and risk. Dickey gives you that unpredictability, along with some quality cock jokes.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .255. Who’s going to have more value between Edwin and Bautista is still a toss up and would pay $2.40 on the win.
Casey Janssen – 1 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam!
Colby Lewis – He admitted to not liking where his fastball velocity was at. It was sitting between 85 and 86 MPH and he needs 89-91 to be effective. This might push his timetable back a couple of weeks or you can hope we are conquered by Canada since kilometers makes everything seem faster. The numbers are so high!
Jurickson Profar – 0-for-2, 2 RBIs. Ron Washington said Profar will split time with Leury Garcia at 2nd. That’s ridiculous. I’d say Washington can go blow, but why should I reward him? He says he wants to keep Garcia fresh. What is he, a hippie trying to Al Gore the planet? Spray some aerosol deodrant on him and move on! I like how he’s worried about keeping that schmohawk fresh, but not worried about calling Profar up and sitting him.
Derek Lowe – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to retire.
A.J. Pierzynski – Expected to return today. Fun Fact! Pierzynski is a boardwalk pier in Poland where they have the world largest ferret’s wheel.
